Sage advice on how to get laid at parties
Go ugly early son, avoid the rush.

I saw his wife when she visited the home. Clearly a man to follow his own advice.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 4:48, Reply)

mmm nice filth beckyjsbx
well done on that one!

my advice, as i approach 21 in hexadecimal next week, is never - and i repeat never - bite on a ladybird.

It is a taste i simply cannot describe as bad. And it has a taste that lasts longer than an old mans nutsack. It is red (and black) for a vry good reason.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 0:14, 4 replies)

Nan loved b3ta
told me never to post on a wednesday in the qotw
(Heyzeus, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 23:13, Reply)

My mother...
"Let he who see shit clean it"

If it bothers you, then you do something about it. Useful for throwing at my housemates when they moan about the place being a tip!
(ethylmethanoate wants your chips, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 22:33, 2 replies)

If I were you
The snow was falling all around as Rachel was bumbling along the road in the way that all good Rachel’s do when she spotted a pretty shiney nestled among the tightly packed snowflakes. As she bent to pick it up she collided with a tall striking man. Both uttering their apologies they backed away, while still maintaining eye contact. He was very easy on the eye she thought to herself, deep Brown eyes with flecks of green, amazing bone structure and she could see from the outline of his suit that he worked out.

She could feel the heat in her rising despite the freezing temperature and knew she had to have him. He took her gloved hand and together they walked in silence toward the local park. It was deserted as schools had not yet let out for the day and there was only a couple of tramps at the other end near the woodland bit.

They both knew what they wanted, each other, right fucking now, but with nowhere to go it was even more frustrating. Together they built a chair out of snow, all the while sharing long lingering glances. He would occasionally brush past her and his hand would glide over her perfectly formed rear when he bent to get more snow. She in return would casually squeeze between him and the chair on the pretext of moulding the chair into shape, smiling as he caught his breath.

Finally after a good 20 minutes or so the chair was finished. It was magnificent with a curved back, long sloping side rests and a seat wide enough for two. He sat down and gestured to Rachel to join him on his lap. She did so willingly. All the exertion of creating the chair had left them both rather flushed, but as she leaned in for their first kiss, she noticed the colour deepening in his cheeks and felt his heart racing against her shoulder. Their kiss deepened as they began exploring each others tongues and Rachel outwardly sighed as he reached his hand under her coat and started removing her bra. “Stop if I’m going too fast” were the only words he uttered which only made Rachel want him more.

Within a couple of minutes they were down to their underwear, sneaking furtive glances around, but still the park remained empty aside from the tramps on the other side of the park. The cold air made goosebumps of their skin, but his throbbing cock was very much heated and ready for action. He gently guided her head downwards onto it, but she wanted to tease him a little at first. Small butterfly kisses and then deep swirling licks to the shaft saw him moaning for release almost immediately, but Rachel was relentless. She expertly deep throated him, pulling him deeper and deeper into her warm moist mouth until he was on the verge of creating her several warm salty pearl necklaces. Gently tugging on his balls she steered him away from the verge of cumming and then taking one in her mouth she looked up to see him off on another planet in ecstasy.

Meanwhile he’d been manoeuvring his way downwards, kissing all the way down her mostly naked body until he reached the source of her heat where he began with soft kisses and gentle licks to her lips and inner thighs, she moaned in pleasure as it had never felt like this before. He quickly located her clit and began massaging it with his tongue, sucking and applying gentle pressure just in the right place while she began to write and moan. He held tight and soon she was breathing so heavily the two of them looked like a steam train, the amount of steam rising from the melting chair was giving off.

The two tramps spotted this and through the haze of the Special brew they were supping on thought something was amiss as this park was their territory and no one in their right mind would come here during the day when it was so cold out. They ambled over to the beast with two backs, sniggering when they realised what they’d stumbled upon. The taller hairier of the two cleared his throat and hocked up a green one, spitting it onto the ground next to them, startling them out of their play time.

Rachel screamed and bolted for the nearest tree to hide behind while he looked a little bashful and started gathering clothes together, appendage still merrily wagging from side to side as he did. They got dressed and started to exit the park looking as least suspicious as they could with her coat over her arm and one shoe on and his hair a ruffled mess when the shorter fatter tramp yelled out...

“If I was you love, I’d ...”

Don’t you hate it when that happens?

*may be based on a true story*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 21:53, 20 replies)

May as well post this...
I was given some great advice by a t-shirt:

Listen to Monster Magnet

stick with this and you can't go wrong

Edit:
Disclaimer:
I do not advocate following the advice given out by all t-shirts (or other items of apparel). Each must be reviewed on a case by case basis.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 20:48, 8 replies)

Public Information Advice
1. Always take care when turning over in bed at night.

2. Don't jump to conclusions when you get back and chest pains.

3. Keep calm when you experience some numbness in your fingers.

4. Don't believe the NHS Direct website - it's not a human being and can only give general advice.

5. Always remember to rein in your feelings of gratitude when you discover you have simply pulled a muscle and you're not suffering the longest heart-attack known to mankind.

Hugs and kisses are not always appreciated by nursing staff - a smile and a thank you are sufficient.




This public information Advice has been brought to you on behalf of Accident and Emergency Services and Chickenlady.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 20:24, 12 replies)

Can anyone tell me
Why, if I have a nap during the day, I always wake up with freezing cold feet, even if they were warm to begin with?

This has actually been bugging me for ages
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 20:20, 7 replies)

you must have heard this one
my mum likes to say "you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb".
i was nearly 20 by the time i fully understood it, but i agree with it completely.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 19:07, 5 replies)

Can I have advice too.
1. How do you know if it's infatuation or love.

2. How can I get my hair to grow faster.

3. I have some mackerel fillets in my freezer and I have no idea what to do with them. Any recipes.
( girlinthehole, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 19:02, 21 replies)

If its got two tits and a cunt
fuck it.

Given by my drunken father, to one of my friends.
(Daveth Koresh is jesus, but welsh, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 18:10, 5 replies)

Break me down, only to build me up again
One from my Grandad, who gave me some real world advice.

"You cannot expect to change the world, but the world cannot expect to change you"

Makes me smile :)
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 17:58, Reply)

DOS is fun!
My grandad, god rest him, was awesome. He never stopped learning and had a multitude of different jobs you'd need degrees and 30 years of experience to do nowadays. He bought me my first PC, a P75 with 16 Meg of Ram.

I wnet out and bought the big game of the time when I got it - Theme Park.

Now, anybody familiar with DOS gaming meant that things usually were ball achingingly hard to work. You usually had to unload everything except DOS, a CD ROM Driver and a Mouse driver, just to get started.

Theme Park - the resource hungry bitch was no different.

After maticulously following the instructions for 4 days (I don't know how Gamesmaster could expect a challenge to get Mechwarrior 2020 up and running in half an hour), I finally got it up and working, and didn't leave my bedroom for weeks.

Day two, my gran came into my room, and saw I was struggling, and offered this pearl of wisdom.

"Well, it's more fun if things don't work straight away."

Thanks gran, as I stared at my C: prompt
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 17:56, 1 reply)

Very bad timing...
Me and 3 mates were out in town all completely hammered. We rang up a friend to kindly give us a lift home. Only when he turned up in his 5 seat car he had bought a friend.

So us 4 drunkards crammed into the back seat of car meant for 3. - with no seatbelts on and a bucket being passed between us! We were hitting 100mph going home.

The next day with me feeling worse for wear my parents and I are watching a police program. You know the sort. The policeman then proceed to pull over an overloaded car full of drunk people.
My parents rant about how stupid they are tell me never ever to do something like that.

I nodded and have never felt so small or so utterly stupid in my whole life.

Length? About 10 ft long and a huge noisy exhaust.
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 17:41, Reply)

general advice, best ever, but only just remembered
less pictures = better time
(lidlfukinkev, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 17:16, Reply)

The Policeman Story
Is all here!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 17:03, 241 replies)

Advice please
Really, if this place is a font of knowledge, then how come we haven't been exploiting it this week?

Can anyone answer the following questions (properly answer, not just about goats and cocks and stuff)?

1. If someone is worth waiting for, how long should one wait?

2. Does a different rule apply to buses? I waited over an hour for a 73B last week. Is there some kind of ratio/forumla/scale?

3. What weight is a good-sized salmon to catch? Should I use prawns or worms as bait?

Those were my weighty questions. Thanks in anticipation.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 17:02, 41 replies)

Where's my step-ladder gone?
The late Grandad North sat me down once and told me "If you are going to get hung for stealing a horse then you might as well shag it as well."

It took me quite a few years to work out what that one meant.
(I Was a Teenage Spaceship, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 16:52, 2 replies)

Grass
The summer of ’98 had passed long and hot. We’d moved in to a languid Autumn and the humidity was becoming oppressing. As we lay in each others arms, our skin sticking together at the touch, we offered up a silent prayer for a sudden, violent thunderstorm. The air needed clearing, it needed to be cleansed. I’ve always loved the Autumn, I love the colour of the leaves and the industry of the animals as they prepare for the long winter. I love how the city’s underbelly seems, for the first time in months, warm and inviting. I love the blustery wind that comes in from the east, heralding the coming of the frosts and with them the winter.

She lit a cigarette, inhaled deeply, and blew the smoke out in a long stream, the last curls of it playing around her lips and rising slowly past her nose. Her eyes remained half closed as she twirled her long, auburn hair between her fingers. Her breathing came slow and deep as she stretched her body over mine. Holding the cigarette to my lips and allowing me to take a breath, she said:

“What does all of this mean, anyway?”

She surprised me. She wasn’t a person who was given to asking the more existential questions of life.

“What do you mean?”
“You know. The world. Us. The general feeling of ‘there’s something missing in my life’. Progress.”
“Progress?”
“Yes. What does progress mean?”

I paused.

“Well,” I said “perhaps progress is chasing the grass.”
“What?”
“My Gran said to me once “the Grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence”. Well, perhaps progress is the pursuit of the greener grass. It’s just when we get there, there’s always another meadow further away that looks more lush and pleasant.”
“Very poetic.”

She smoked some more. And from then on she was quiet. We slept that night, both of us visited by fitful dreams of meadows and industry. The morning came, the sun hanging low in the sky, and we awoke.

I took her to the train station. She was leaving. I was unable to tell her at that point that I would miss her, and I also knew (in my heart of hearts) that I would never see her again.

“I’ve been thinking about progress.” Said I.
“Oh yes?”
“Yeah. To quote Rachman: “When someone employs a vast Wagnerian machine the size of a continent, just to turn you in to soap, it’s hard to take entirely seriously the idea of progress”. Perhaps all the progress we can make is born of the lessons of the past?”

She looked at me for what felt like forever.

“You know,” she said “I think you think too much. Your Gran had it right all along. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.”

She kissed me on the mouth, the sudden rush of energy as our lips touched sending the images of that long summer shooting through my mind. As she pulled away, her hands lingered on my face as she stared in to my eyes. And, all too soon, she turned and she left.

I never did find out if the grass was any greener on her side of the fence.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 16:49, 17 replies)

Advice: the smallest current coin.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
(Milo Minderbinder, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 16:38, Reply)

"NEVER, EVER STICK YOUR FINGERS IN A PLUG SOCKET!!!"
This is quite possibly the worse advice you can give a curious child of 3 years old.

It hurt. And it also led to a liftime of playing with electricity.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 16:36, 3 replies)

On a wall in a pub in a picturesque town...
Among such sentiments as "kiss slowly", "enjoy more" and others was "never regret anything that made you smile."

I just thought it was a really great perception of regret and it certainly made me stop thinking of everything I've ever regretted doing, but more how I felt at the time of doing it.

I guess this fits in here because the landlord was canny old, just a pity he didn't charge old prices...more futuristic ones actually...
(geordiedave is reliving the time Southgate missed that penalty, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 16:31, Reply)

Never put a sock in a toaster.
Never put jam on a magnet.
Never throw your granny in a bag.
Never suck all the juice out of a vampire.
Never lean over on a Tuesday.
( Maladicta, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 16:17, 16 replies)

still dont have a bastard icon

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 16:09, 10 replies)

An old man's tale from 2000 years ago
It was the end of the first millennium B.C. I was a keen follower of the Old Testament. This prohibited me from spilling my own seed. I was not very successful with the ladies, so I was often feeling a bit frustrated.

I was getting quite old and I was starting to question my faith. It was at this time I took up a job as a male maternity nurse. My first job was to assist with the delivery of a baby to be born to some woman who claimed she was still a virgin (yah right!). Obviously, this was the first time I'd see a woman close up. And on seeing Mary's hairy mary, I felt a stirring in my loins. It was nicer than I'd imagined it to be - in fact, so nice I exclaimed "Oh Jesus!" just as the baby was coming out. Before anyone else could get a word in, the birth registrar used that exclamation to name the newborn baby.

After the birth, I was so excited that I had the urge to touch my dick. I snuck off, touched it and had the unstoppable urge to keep stroking it. Then something happened - relief. I'd never been relieved like that before. The feeling was so enjoyable I wanted to do it again. My beliefs meant I felt slightly guilty afterwards, but so what - it was enjoyable. In my mind, I knew bad things would happen come judgement day, but I always ended up giving into my only body-part I had given an affectionate name.

And that was my A.D. vice from Old Pee-Pee.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 15:53, 2 replies)

I'm rubbish at giving advice
A month or so back I was entrusted with giving my now ex-girlfriend's nine year-old son 'The Talk' after he had asked her if she and I 'did sex', and she had gathered that he didn't know what he meant.
I took him out with me when I walked her dog and told him the ins and outs (so to speak) in what I thought was a thorough, but simple and stright-forward way.
A few days later, in the car back from Blackpool, he'd obviously been digesting the information I'd given him and piped up, from the back seat;
"Mummy,"
"Yes, James?"
"BK says you've got a China!"

The talk was obviously not cogent enough.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 15:37, Reply)

Another one from my dear old dad
"Never take acid!"

Strangely, the only time I ever remember this is when I'm a shapeless, giggling lump on the ground.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 15:37, 3 replies)