So there I was, trying to smooth down this cake I'd made.
I'd totally overcooked it - of course, and it was so rock-hard, that it was ruining the paper I was using to smooth it down with.

In the end, I just ended up with a load of granules on the table.

And that, you pricks, is how I ended up with my bun plight sand.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 13:11, Reply)

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away
I wanted to do this bird. Turned out it was my mate's sister.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 13:04, 1 reply)

Post-coital conversation
Her: "What's your favourite film?"
Me: [being a wanky student] "Blue Velvet"
Her: "OH GOD I LOVE THAT FILM!" [raves for several minutes about how much she loves Blue Velvet] "And Elizabeth Taylor is SO GOOD IN IT!"
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Wed 19 Mar 2014, 11:23, 2 replies)

What this QOTW tells me
about the average B3taian.

None of us are capable of hooking up with birds/slags.

80'ish of us are liars pretending they've seen/touched a vag in the stinky flesh.

At least I don't feel alone now. #continues masturbating to weird porn in a dark room at home and occasionally hitting b3ta link for a breather.
(mad_dan Stilton or knob cheese ma'am?, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 11:07, 15 replies)

SKINK THREAD!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 9:42, 1 reply)

I saw a hot (enough) woman in a pub
so I invited her to join me and my mates at a club I knew. Her mates decided this was fine, and there'd be nothing to worry about, cause I was clearly gay. *shrugs*
Anyway, we got a bit pissed, chatted, danced - the usual, till I invited her back to mine for a smoke.

Along the way, and back at mine, there was much snogging. I provided some dope, we had a joint or two, and she passed out.

That was my best attempt at a one night stand. Some snogging and a comatose bird. I did the decent thing and left her alone. Bah.
( Invisible Wizard - 10th Level Nerf-herder, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 20:33, 4 replies)

When she left me she took half of everything.
This left me with only one night stand. But I'll always have the memory.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 20:09, 2 replies)

When she left me she took half of everything.
This left me with only one night stand. But I'll always have the memory.


( gunmetal drove slowly in the passing lane on, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 19:58, 2 replies)

my hapless friend evie
never meant to have one night stands. she always really liked them. it was just that somehow they never seemed to call her back, attractive though she was.

one night she met a really nice-seeming chap. he was over from ireland for a mate's birthday party, and clever and funny. they arranged that she would go and see him in ireland for a bit of a weekend away.

when she came back, she was glowing. i asked for all the dirty details. as she relayed them, the glow slowly turned grey. i knew he was never going to call her again. it was dawning on her that he was never going to call her again. the killer sentence?

"oh yeah, the sex was great. except that.... well........ he kept telling me to be quiet."

"quiet? why, were you screaming???"

"no, no. but he didn't want me to make ANY noise. he said it was putting him off finishing."

"did he have a flatmate?"

"no, no. he lived by himself in a detached house. in the countryside."

doom. other doomed highlights included him leaving her at home on the sunday for 3 hours whilst he went for sunday lunch at his parents' place and her attempt to leave him something sexy being a vibrator shoved under his pillow.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 18:53, 11 replies)

Susan
I was 17 and at a strange pub, my mates hadn't turned up - something told me I was meant to be in anther pub with the same name in an neighbouring town. This was before mobile phones so I had no way of phoning and finding out where the fuck they were. As I was finishing my 3rd or 4th pint and as I was deciding to go home I spotted her.

Susan was sitting on a bar stool and she smiled as I glanced at her. I smiled back. And so it went for a few minutes. Susan got up and came over and sat with me. We made small talk - I got some more drinks - the hours seemed to fly by - her leg was glancing mine. Was it an accident - I rubbed my leg against hers and she smiled. Next thing was her hand stroking my leg and inner thigh. I held her hand and guided to where my erection was bulging in my pants. I was moist as she stroked my bulge. Susan said t was her time of the month so she culd give me a blow job or I could try anal with her.

I suggested we made a move - she said she had her own car and knew a quite spot. On the way out I popped into the gents and purchased some rubber friends not believing my luck. We drove to a deserted industrial estate and parked in the pitch black. I pulled off her top - Susan undid her bra after my several failed attempts. Her tits were massive and I slobbered all over them attempting to find her erect nipples - I suckled hard. Susan pulled off my jacket and t-shirt and undid my belt - I pulled down my trousers and underpants at the same time. Susan held my cock and started tugging before she went down and gave me one of the best blow jobs I had had until then - OK it was my first blow job - Susan sucked and pulled with her lips rubbed her tongue over my tip, sucked my balls and stuck her tongue up my backside - she started pulling my bum cheeks apart before sticking in first one then two then three fingers and began probing my rear exit - did I object - at first but she reassured me I would enjoy it. with fingers deep inside me I exploded in her mouth - Susan holding her cum in my mouth kissed me and then forced her tongue into my mouth so I was tasting my own jizz. I had a queasy feeling about this and wondered how on earth I was going to brag to my mates about this depraved behaviour.

Susan said she was disappointed I had cum so soon as she wanted me to fuck her - I said lets wait half an hour and try again - so she fondled my by then flaccid cock while I continued to paw and slobber over her tits. Gradually I got my erection back and Susan began to suck me off again. I pulled out a condom and fumbled to stick it on - but Susan took over and rolled it on me. She pulled out some KY jelly and smothered my rubber wrapped cock. Susan told me to lay back in the reclined car seat and shut my eyes as she was going to lower herself down on me. Susan said to push up when she told me and push after push I tried to penetrate and after several slippy escapes I finally impaled my hard cock up her rear end and we pushed against each other. I groped her tits as her arse bounced up and down on me.

And this is where my depraved one night stand became a nightmare - as I started to cum I moved my hands down to where her minge should be. Instead I groped Susan's hard cock and balls - I let out a yell of shock as I was cuming up Susans rear end. Susan pulled herself off me and wiped herself down and began to get dressed. I dressed as quickly as possible and asked to be driven home - I sat in shocked silence.

Earlier in the evening I had given Susan my phone number. We met up most Friday evenings after that...
(Big Ted, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 15:59, 13 replies)

IN 2013, NUGENT HAS OWNED MORE ONE NIGHT STANDS THAN ALL YOUR SHITPANTS PUT TOGETHERS

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 15:40, Reply)

Two paladins on guard duty given a chair to share between them
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

~~~ maeandros ~~~

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.

Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

qualubet ...

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

qualubet ...

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.

Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.


One knight stands.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 12:29, 17 replies)

Two paladins on guard duty given a chair to share between them blah blah one knight stands.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:57, 4 replies)

we met in a Boots
I asked her if this cream would help my genital warts. she said she'd ask her teacher the next day. She was my ideal woman, hair like ripe avocados, and an anus that could hold a beach umberella in a gale. I knew that a woman like that would have to be romanced, so I asked her if she'd like to have my fuck missile explode in her ham silo. She said she wasn't into star wars, but she'd give me a titwank for an oyster card.
As soon as we got in the door she had her hand down my pants. I had to walk back and force her to drop my wallet. She asked me if I had ever made love to the Bolero, I said I preferred Dale's Supermarket Sweep. She was like a gymnast in bed. Fourteen. We started with a rusty trombone, then a cleveland steamer, and finally a kidderminster shagpiledriver that dislocated my wrist. She asked me to treat her mean so I told her she had the dress sense of a bosnian refugee. I gave her multiple organisms and she made me sleep in the wet spot. She touched me in places no woman had touched me before, like my duodenum. Sometimes, in some situations, I'm instantly transported back to that night, such as when I see a swan choking to death on mayonaisse
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:07, 7 replies)

i got into trouble for posting this a few years ago, when my friend found it, and the mods had to delete it. so i'll try again, but this time with the names changed properly.
After we had all graduated university, two of my friends lily and rose decided to do a round the world trip. To make money for the trip, lily got a temporary job. On her very first day there, she met philip, and fell instantly in love. Philip was dark and handsome and he totally knew it. he was also newly graduated and working there for 6 months until his "real" job started in London. lily was gagging for it and every time she saw him, she looked like a tramp spying special brew through the Iceland window. Finally her chance came: a staff night out.

Having been plied with beer, philip succumbed to lily's charms (well, two of them) and they ended up snogging outside the restaurant. Drunkenly forgetting the fact that she had come on earlier than expected that evening, and her pants looked like a columbine classroom, she invited herself back to his place. He was a bit uncomfortable about taking her home, as he was still living with his parents, but was finally persuaded.

They crept into the house and only after they were almost going at it did she remember and tell him about the timing. Too far gone to care, he carried on. all was well, until her brain suddenly remembered a story about another friend of ours who'd had sex whilst wearing a tampon, and subsequently had to go to hospital to remove it, as she couldn't find the string. This unpleasant thought wormed its way into her brain until finally she had to tell him to stop. This didn't go down too well.

But it went down better than her next request. After a few minutes of grappling uselessly and drunkenly inside herself, she returned from the bathroom and said hopelessly, "I can't find it. You look for it." to give him credit, he did not run a mile from the glistening bloody cavern of death. He fished around politely, and finally located it. but instead of just loosening the string, he pulled out the whole thing and handed it to her. Nice.

After that, it didn't look to be happening. so lily decided she would perk things up a bit. Bending over and looking saucily over her shoulder, she offered him his first ever chance to become a poo pipe pirate. This had the desired effect, and he was rampant. But after a couple of thrusts, she was in agony, and yet again told the poor sod to stop. His frantically romantic offers of "a bit of Vaseline" did nothing for her, and eventually he stropped off to sleep on the floor.

Imagine waking up and remembering all that had happened, not with a boyfriend with whom you were very comfortable and familiar, but on your first time with a hot colleague. Then imagine the only thing that could make it worse… a tongue lapping enthusiastically at your scarlet crusted inner thighs. This was lily's alarm clock the morning afterwards. Perhaps philip hadn't been utterly repelled after all. except that his chin wasn't quite that hairy, and his tongue wasn't quite that wet…. It was the family's Yorkshire terrier, which had burrowed under the blankets.

The icing on the cake was looking up to see his mother framed in the doorway, looking in utter horror at the vampire strumpet in her precious son's bed, receiving a near rugmunch from the family dog.

When she told us all what had happened, we were too horrified to laugh. She asked plaintively if we thought there was any chance left with him. After a moment, my friend's boyfriend said what nobody else wanted to, "well i wouldn't be rushing back there."

He was absolutely right.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 9:52, 25 replies)

Delurking to tell you about the time I worked at a TV news station
It was, to be quite frank, a pretty awful gig. Long hours, shit pay and most of the women who worked backstage were about as attractive as a fart in a spacesuit. Add to that the unpleasant hours we worked - early morning news, midday news, evening news and the news at midnight, all of which I had to be there for, being as I was the man in charge of the boom mike.

Just one of these factors would have been enough to ruin my aspirations of maintaining a social life, but in conjunction they totally fucked any chance of being able to escape the studio for anything more than a quick shit or a hot meal. It got so bad we had little cubicles with beds just behind the set so we could catch a nap or two between airings.

The only exception to this were the news presenters. Those plastic fucks were helicoptered in fifteen minutes beforehand, given a quick polish by the makeup team to stop the wrinkles from showing and bussed onto the set with all the arse-sucking sycophantry you'd expect.

I hated those bastards. Especially Samuel motherfucking Thanes, twuntbelcher supreme, he of the fake teeth and robot hair. You know the kind of person who would bum his grandmother for a brief second of fame? I knew the kind of person, and that person was Mr. Samuel shitbishop Thanes.

On the day of this tale, I was trying desperately to wake up from a fairly pleasant kip in one of the studio beds, just in time for the morning broadcast, when I became dimly aware of someone standing, hands on hips, at the side of the bed. Fuck, what was the time?
"I'm up, I'm up..." I spat, blearily, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Good, I need a decent fuck."

What.

Enter into this equation Jenny, one of our resident makeup artists. Jenny was not unattractive, but given her mastery of hiding glaring character flaws under foundation, mascara and other facial products I couldn't even begin to name, I was wary. No one in the studio had ever seen her without makeup, and given that she seemed to apply her fake face with a trowel and a cement mixer, general consensus was that she must have been either cock-shrivellingly mingtastical underneath or hiding prodigious scars.
As the world came into focus, it was indeed Jenny who was standing in my cubicle, wearing nothing but a pair of unfeasibly high heels and enough makeup to choke a horse. She was slimmer than I'd expected, and although she was of a very slight build, she had quite an impressive set of upper frontal buttocks, in retrospect almost certainly fake. A rhinestone encrusted bellybutton piercing was the cherry on the low-rent porn actress cake. Anyhow, as I sat up in bed, mouth agape, she turned the lock on the door.

"Erm-" I began, but Jenny had taken two quick steps to the bed and lept astride me.

"Sam couldn't get it up this morning," She offered as way of explanation, as she mimed taking a snort of something off an outstretched finger. Wait, Sam? SAMUEL FUCKING SHITBASTARD THANES!!! I was only stopped from screaming his name skywards by Jenny suddenly grabbing my cock through my jeans.

"Looks like you can, though," she whispered in my ear, beginning to unbutton my fly with deft hands. I was torn between triumph at having beaten SAMUEL CUNTNUGGET THANES at erections and despair at being reduced to Jenny's reserve fuck option.

Suddenly, through the wall of the set I heard the producer.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BOOM MIKE? SOMEONE WAKE THAT LAZY CUNT UP! WE'RE LIVE IN TWENTY SECONDS!"

Shit.

I was brought back to matters closer to home when Jenny forcefully whipped off my jeans and undergarments with a single, decisive pull, setting my cock free and bouncing its turgid length against my stomach. She grinned like a shark eyeing up a slab of tuna.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?"

"I'll get him!" Jenny shouted back, as she wrapped a manicured hand around my shaft with a vice-like grip and began to slowly trace a line along the bottom of my cock with the very tip of her tongue, working her way to the head.

"TEN SECONDS! WHERE THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK IS THAT BOOM MIKE?!?"

I weighed up the options and despite a fairly substantial part of my brain telling me to say "fuck it" and leave things well enough alone, I quickly pushed Jenny's head away from my groin and instead grabbed the boom mike. I made sure it was plugged in and switched on and stood up on the bed - or at least, I tried to, because Jenny still hadn't relinquished her death-grip on my todger.

"Leggo my cock!" I hissed at her through clenched teeth, and with an exaggerated pout she finally released my swollen member. I stood unsteadily on the cheap IKEA mattress and popped the boom mike over the set wall at full extension.

"FUCKING FINALLY! DOWN A BIT, DOWN A BIT, LEF- MY LEFT YOU DAFT CU- THERE! DON'T FUCKING MOVE IT! LIVE IN FIVE, FOUR..."

I was left standing on my bed with my arms above my head holding the very end of the handle as the shaft of the very heavy boom mike rested on the set wall, suspending the mike in mid air above the set, with nothing on but my shirt and my socks - not the most comfortable position, but as long as I could hold still for the next 15 minutes I'd get away with it.

I was immediately reminded of the flaw in this plan when Jenny slipped between my legs and grabbed my cock again. I looked down to see her smiling her shark grin again.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I mouthed at her, trying to maintain my balance with her weight shifting the mattress.

"This." she whispered back, as she sucked my balls into her mouth and began to make long, slow strokes with her hands on my shaft.

"Good morning, I'm Sarah Fordsworth -"

"And I'm Samuel Thanes-"

I ground my teeth as I heard that arsecunt's name. Jenny pulled her mouth away from my now glistening scrotum with an audible pop.

"You know, he always talks in the third person? Even when we fuck, for fuck's sake." She said. The thought of SAMUEL SHITCUNTBASTARDWANKFUCK THANES naked nearly rendered me instantly flaccid but my hard on was saved as Jenny wrapped her lips around the head of my cock and began to show some significant skill with her tongue.

"Stop talking about him, please," I whispered, sweat beading my brow as I attempted to maintain the boom mike's altitude. I felt her giggle in reply as she looked up at me, her cheek bulging with cock as she playfully tilted her head to one side whilst she stroked what she hadn't fit in her mouth. I mouthed the word 'careful' to her.

In reply, she grabbed hold of my arse with both hands and swallowed, gagging as she choked down the last few inches. I damn near lost my grip on the boom mike as I slid into her gullet, feeling her throat clench as she gagged, her lips wrapped around the base of my cock.

Jenny's skill became readily apparent as she gripped my buttocks harder and began to fuck herself with my cock, pulling her head back quickly before shoving her mouth down over my length again, gagging on my tool as it speared her throat over and over. I trembled in the face of this onslaught, fighting tooth and nail to keep the boom mike steady as Jenny fucked her own face with my cock, stopping briefly every now and then to draw breath before feeding the entire length back into her esophagus.

After a few minutes of this she paused to look up at me, her lips pressed tightly against the base of my shaft, her throat full of my cock. She was a mess, her mascara had run in thick, wet streams down her cheeks, her chin and neck covered in a torrent of that peculiar thick drool which always results when deepthroating is to be had. My cock jumped a little in excitement at the sight of her in such a state, and I felt her giggle as she winked again.

Jenny renewed her efforts with even greater vigour, swallowing repeatedly as she finished each stroke with my length wedging her throat open. I desperately tried to dampen the vibrations she was causing in the both of us, but the boom mike was starting to sway erratically in increasingly large movements as I teetered on the edge of a powerful climax.

Suddenly, Jenny slammed herself down on my cock and stayed down, pulling me into her face with her hands as she choked and gagged. I grimaced as I desperately held back, knowing that if I came I would probably turn myself inside out and drop the boom mike over the wall. Jenny had other plans, though, and she showed me what they were by slipping her tongue between cock and lip to run it over my balls. But even this new sensation was not enough.

"Nope!" I hissed through gritted teeth. I knew I would lose, but damn it if I wouldn't make her fight for it.

In reply, Jenny swallowed hard once more, released one hand and with superhuman effort used it to slip my ballsack into her mouth as well, sliding the very final inch of my cock into her throat as she smiled (as much as she could, anyway) in triumph.

"FFfffffffffffff-" My eyes bulged as I drew the hardest breath I could ever remember. Every single fiber of my being screamed to hold back as I balanced on a razor-edge of pleasure, my cock pulsing and twitching like mad inside this filthy, freaky, mascara-streaked girl. With that, she swallowed again, the wet velvet glove of her throat pulling a long, luxurious stroke along my cock.

And in that perfect moment of clarity as the wave of my climax crashed upon me and everything went silent, I heard it.

"I'm Sarah Fordsworth -"

"And I'm Samuel Thanes-"

"THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANES!" I howled, throwing my head back as Jenny choked and spluttered on a sizable donation of hot manfat being deposited directly into her stomach as she swallowed desperately. I let go of the boom mike and grabbed her head behind the ears, holding her in place as I emptied myself into her throat.

On the other side of the set wall, Samuel shitwankingbastardfucking Thanes looked up in alarm to see who was screaming his name. Just in time for the very heavy boom mike to complete the arc of it's decent as it swung into his face with a significant amount of momentum behind it. Samuel fucknuggetshitgargler Thanes screamed like a kicked hamster as the tip of the boom mike punched neatly though the foam muffler on its end and speared him in the right eye. Samuel fartsmugglertwatburglar Thanes then stumbled around the set on a live broadcast, clutching his ruined face and screaming as he sprayed jets of claret everywhere.

And that, my friends, is why Jenny and I lost our jobs. It was a direct result of our one-eyed Sam broadcaster I REGRET NOTHING
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 9:01, 15 replies)

I used to work in a branch of a well known electronics retailer.
Turnover was down, Currys had opened next door and when they merged with PC World we were on our arses. Rumours of closure were rife and morale was lower than a prolapsed clunge. Our manager asked for ideas to save the store and I came up with what I thought was a novel one. There was a discount card shop next door which did very good trade. I suggested to my boss that on special occassions we put bunches of flowers across our front to make it one stop for the card buyers. There wasn't a florists within a mile. Just in time for Valentine's day a van-load of blooms was delivered and I put them on display. Sure enough, they went like hot cakes and we sold the lot by 8pm closing time. We made an extra seven hundred pounds profit. And that was just for one night's Tandy's asters.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 17 Mar 2014, 19:26, 5 replies)

I saw a naked lady on the internet.
As I looked at her woo-woo I fiddled with my winky until it exploded goo. And I never even knew her name.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 19:07, 4 replies)

Cyclops has been sunbathing.
The result of which is a shite pun.
Fill it in yourselves, I can't be arsed.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 17 Mar 2014, 18:57, 1 reply)

( Zuowan, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 15:39, 1 reply)

*something about the devoted followers of Mexican John being beaten*
Juan-ites tanned.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 11:59, 1 reply)

i don't believe in sex before marriage

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 10:47, 20 replies)

Had anybody done the 'nightstand' joke yet?
Only a nightstand is where you hide a chamber pot. That little table where you keep your mills and boon and your nhs false teeth isn't called anything, you dreadful climbing bourgeoisie.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 10:39, 33 replies)

bedside table lol

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 10:03, Reply)

A nice cod feeeesh
Not really a disaster, possibly a triumph. I got into the habit of nailing a welsh gothic type bird every now and again. On the first occasion, I went down south to pay a visit to fishguard, at which point she candidly instructed me, in her welsh accent, to "put four fingers in and aim for my belly button". I duely obliged and ended up with a face full of clearish warm squirt much too my delight and surprise. I triumphantly yelled "yes, finally a fucking squirter", at which point she got rather annoyed, and told me she found term "squirter" to be rude and offensive. The fucking hypocrisy, she had, rather crassly instructed me "to put four fingers in and aim for the belly button", then, without warning projected some form of salty barley water from her foo foo valve directly into my eyes, but finds the term "squirter" offensive.

Anyway I apologised, we got over the squirt based faux pas and as I recall the night culminated in me getting a memorable pokey bum bj. Anyway I digress. Sometime inbetween the vag splash and bum poking, she asked if I had baby oil. Not being in the habit of cooking infants I did not possess any such oil, but told her I had olive oil in the kitchen. I went down stairs bollocko and at full mast, so left the lights off so as not to petrify the neighbours, and grabbed the oil. The oil went everywhere, a good time was had, at which point I fell asleep. When I woke in the morning I realised, in the darkness id grabbed the crisp 'N' dry rather than the olive oil.

My mattress, resembling a Jackson pollock owing to the copius amount of crisp n dry, quim, giz, blood, shit etc went to the tip that same afternoon. I am still known to my friends to this day as "crisp n dry" after recoiling the story in the pub that evening. The end.
(Custurd chucker, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 1:53, 7 replies)

I was at swinger's party a few years ago
and picked a fight with a 6ft3 man in drag for calling me frigid. This was after he caught me in the bathroom with two girls and decided to piss on me. I think he was on coke, not Pepsi. I think I was very patient considering.
(Bonanzo Best Before:, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 22:21, 6 replies)

I don't have one night stands
Just relationships that go on too bloody long.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 21:45, 2 replies)

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

(kitescreech still here, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 18:54, Reply)

Halloween
I went to a Halloween party, dressed as a skellington. Funnily enough, some local businessman was dressed in the same costume; anyway my ex wife ended up shagging me by mistake - when she had the kid we thought it was the businesman's, but it wasnt.

I dont know how this finishes.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 18:53, 3 replies)