Shit, they've got guns!
Many moons ago, a 17 year old Smurf was out for a drive in his parents battered old Toyota Corolla.

Driving along North Station Road in Colchester, I was coming up level to what was at the time, the Midland Bank. As I drew nearer 4 men in balaclavas and brandishing shotguns came pelting out the bank towards the road. I did what any self respecting coward would do, I ducked as low as I could and accelerated like buggery, whilst imagining being carjacked for an escape vehicle or being shot.

It wasn't until I got further up the road and dared to look in my rear view mirror that I saw the camera crew on the other side of the road filming.

It was the Crimewatch re-enactment of a bank robbery that had happened a week or so before.

And yes, I did make it on to tv. From the cameras point of view, as the blokes come running out of the bank they are briefly obscured as an apparently driverless Toyota Corolla accelerates from stage left to stage right.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:49, 3 replies)

I'm fairly clever....
they reckon I have an IQ of 168 (Mensa measured it), so why the hell have I been so thick on TV quiz shows?

Anyone remember a show called (I think) '1000 to one'?
The basis was that 1000 people met on Brighton seafront. In front of them were two bloody big circles. They asked a question about how long it had been since the Brighton Belle train had run from London to Brighton, and gives two answers.
990 people go to the correct answer.
I suppose it could have been worse, it could have been 999, and I could have been the only pillock to have got it wrong.
(Adding insult to injury, the tv company had laid on a special train from Victoria, and everyone got an introductory pack about the contest... with all the relevant answers for the first couple of answers in it, as I found out reading it on the way home.)

But it is nice to know that its not only the public that are thick.

There was an early Channel 4 quiz called 'Password'.
Hosted by Tom O'Connor, I appeared at the end of one show and the start of the next.
I can't remember who I was with in the first, but in the second it was Jill Gascoine.
Now, the idea of the game was to get your celebrity partner to say the chosen word by giving them a one word clue. For example, if the word was 'cereal' you might say 'cornflakes'. You had a go, the opposition had a go, it came back to you, there was a maximum of three goes each. You could use descriptive or rhying words too.
So I start trying to get Jill to say 'Shingle':
"Beach?"
"Sand!"
"Shale?" (the opposition)
"Rocks?" (Kenneth Williams)
"Smaller?"
"Pebbles?"
"Smaller!"
"Sand?" (already been said, but looking confused.)
My last word. Throwing it at her as hard as I could mentally I said "Jingle?"
A fly buzzed between her ears and missed her brain by a good three foot. "Beach?"
You could see the lightbulb shining over Kenneth Williams and he smiled at his contestant.
"Jingle?"
"SHINGLE !!!!" lights flashed, bells rang, and Tom O'Connor gave me a book of Modern Quotations and that was it...
(Well, not quite. A week later I got a cheque for the £66 I won too.)

Now, you might think this is just sour grapes.
A few weeks later I'm watching Frank Bough on morning TV, and there's an item about thick celebrities on quiz shows.
And guess who they show trying to guess shingle?
To me, that must mean they thought I'd been really bloody obvious.

Its about thirty years ago, I don't hold grudges....much.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:37, 2 replies)

Diana prince of hearts
Reading through these reminded me of another time I made it ont Telly. Was the day of Princess Diana of Hearts' funeral. I must've been about 15/16 or summat, streets were empty and me and a friend were walking around town pretending a HUGE mystery disaster had happened and we were the only people left on earth. Yeah, well..

We came accross some bouquets of flowers laid at a monument for some soldiers who'd died during the war. Quite why flowers for Lady Diana were laid there still remains a mystery. But some chap from the news decided to film us looking at them. We realised very quickly that the only way we could get on telly was to examine these flowers with a pained look in our eyes - tears would've been be perfect, but alas did not materialise.

We did make it on the news for almost two seconds though!
(BeardyMat, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:35, Reply)

MTV Rock AM Ring
Been on this loads. You see, I'm Metallica.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:03, Reply)

A few seconds a while ago
I once in my young age was able to be on TV for about 15 seconds. It was on a show called Diggit and I was about 7. Me and my class sang the Hercules theme song. I still have a video of it on VHS at my Nans. Sorry for lack of humour and size.
(Burrishimo do an omishirrub and i will hug you, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:01, Reply)

TV hacking fun.
I was in a program called "Thames Reports" in the early nineties. The segment was called "Computer Crooks" and I was "playing" the part of a bank hacker. I say "playing" the part, because that's exactly what it was. I only got in there through being acquainted with one of the *real* hackers in the piece. You don't see my face as it was silhouetted out, but you do see my arse, which was quite nice back then.

Bill Wigmore was the reporter and he was very much in the "old school" mould of presenters, ie pissed before lunchtime, lecherous and rude. Think Henry Davenport on Drop The Dead Donkey and you have the right idea.

Anyway it was all a total fix. I knew the passwords because my mate told me, I lied and said I had hacked it by logging in at a "higher level" The interview was filmed in the directors flat, using the directors shitty PC. Even the exterior shot of the flat lights being turned on was faked. They just rigged up 2 TV lights on big stands and help a big piece of rigid board over them. When the "lights" came on, then simply moved the board away from the front of the lamps and voila. Oh and the cameraman fell over a car bonnet while filming a foot tracking shot.

It may not be much but I did get 3 days free bar privs at Thames Television, and 50 quid a day for doing essentially fuck all.

Also me and my best mate were visible briefly in "Another Audience with Al Murray" broadcast about a year ago.

That's it really.
(Equalizor, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 18:52, Reply)

Katie Hill
About 12 years ago I was on Look North (Local News Channel),
In shot, behind Katie Hill doing the good old invisible cock in cheek routine, while she talked away to a reporter about The Great North Dog Walk.
This inevitabley made me a legend for the following week and was possibly my finest moment to date.
( Kris Fucking Kristofferson, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 16:54, Reply)

Not me...
but the drummer in my band is quite clearly visible on the Lamb of God 'Walk With Me in Hell' DVD, as they play 'Black Label' at Download a couple of years back. Youtube

That's him at 0.04, with his sunglasses on, that got trashed about 20 seconds later as the pit kicked in.

I also happen to know that he was pissed out of his fucking tree at this point. Loon.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 16:06, 4 replies)

I was in the audience for Al Murray's Happy Hour
The one where 2 birds from loose women and a newsreader were guests.
There are no fewer than 3 close up shots of me.

I am also going to be lurking in the background of deal or no deal on friday.

Length? I may eventually total 15 minutes of fame.
(Clayman, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Arch Enemy
I'm in one of the crowd shots as taken by the boom camera at the gig which is on the "Live Apocalypse" DVD, does that count? It is quite dark and you don't know it's me unless I'm there to point it out...hmm
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 15:48, Reply)

I was on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" once
but there were some naughty people coughing in the audience that got me into a spot of bother. I won the million though.

Mr. C. Ingram.

*pop*
(tb2571989 dies at precisely, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 15:05, Reply)

I could have been Aled Jones
Have you been on Songs of Praise?

I have, 1983 Romsy Abbey Boys Brigade front row miming.

Shit story but at leaset I had some Tic Tacs.

The only thing I remember about my break out role was a ginger weirdo with big ears singing Amazing Grace

I actually blame myself for the fall in the importance of the Church of England.
(CaptainSpunker, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 14:21, 1 reply)

Bit tenuous this...
...as it's more 'when i was nearly on TV' but I like the story so there.

A few years back I was living with my future ex-wife and our 5-month-old baby in the first house I'd lived in after moving out of my parents. Not the greatest of two bedroom terraced boxes but reasonable (this will become relevant later). Being up early a lot due to said baby meant I often caught a lot of early morning TV shite, including at this point, Channel 4's RI:SE. While watching one morning, I decided to text in and enter a competition or something and after the show a researcher rang me back to ask my opinions on the show. I gave my views (can't remember what I said, I was probably just blandly positive as I couldn't be arsed to really listen) and at the end they offered me free tickets to a future recording. 'Great!', thinks I and then hang up and forget about it.

Cut to a few weeks later and I get a phone call from the show asking me to participate in a stunt! Super! One particular morning coming up they were having some TV interior designers coming on and they wanted to come and film my house. I then had to somehow get my missus up there to the recording on false pretences (I lied and said Justin Timberlake was on that day, which frankly was ridiculous; he was huge at this point and the chances of him coming onto a minor-league breakfast show were miniscule. She bought it somehow but seemed suspicious...) and then they were going to ask the designers to comment on a viewer's house (i.e. mine) while my other half was totally shocked at seeing her gaff on screen. Hilarious.

So the day of filming comes, I knew the F-E-W was out and I was confidently expecting a full on crew to turn up. I was however, disappointed by the arrival of some berk with a piddly camera who can't have been much older than me. But there you go (since working in corporate video for a little while, I expect some clients have been equally disappointed with my arrival). He films the rooms in my house, while a couple of mates of mine help me move all the shit we hadn't tidied up from one room to another to make the place look nicer.

A few days later I get a call, 'Sorry, the segment's been dropped'. Balls. They never gave a reason, I guess my house was just shite. And I never got my normal audience tickets either, bastards.

So there you go, I nearly surprised my fiancee on live TV. And I also nearly met Mel and Sue. Lucky escape there I guess.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 14:11, Reply)

I was on
"15 seconds of fame!" on Magic (the music channel), for indeed 15 seconds.


I may or may not have been wearing bunny ears at the time.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 13:30, Reply)

it seemed like a good idea at the time
I once appeared on "The Joan Rivers Position" where Joan had an "agony aunt" chat-show late-night on Channel Five. It was like a poorer version of Graham Norton's old show on Channel 4 (and by the same production company), but where Joan 'helped' people with their personal problems.

My role was as one of those people who stood up to be interviewed by Joan as she wandered up in to the audience with a mic. My introductory line, that they 'suggested' I use in order to quickly sum up my 'problem' which I had 'written to Joan for help with', was "my bachelor lifestyle is bleeding me dry" (which, to be fair, is pretty true).

The whole thing was made entirely embarrassing by my fellow audience contributors: man whose ex-girlfriend still uses him for S&M, women who works in plastic surgeon's office and wants advice on staying young from Joan - duh!, and women who is afraid of leeks (yes, the vegetables - and believe me she was either an awesome actor, or bloody petrified).

The things you agree to after a 10 pint drinking session, eh? Shame I had the guts to go through with it; but thank f*ck no-one watched it.
(donkiddick, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 13:13, Reply)

Fight Box
Fight box was some wank idea of combining live action with virtual reality. I went along with friends to be in the crowd. What an anticlimax.

Think robot wars...without robots...infact...imagine some cunt telling everyone to yell and cheer at something that wasnt even there. Add in computers which kept crashing.

Only thing which makes me smile on it was knowing i got filmed giving the camera the finger and yelling at the camera and they didnt pick it up in editing :)
(Hoppkins, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 13:13, Reply)

I
was in Blazin' Squad.

I stood at the back and didn't do much.

Prove me wrong.
(luckybluecoat, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 13:01, 3 replies)

November 2001
I live in Bristol and mayhaps done a few Raps in them there hiphop crews over the years..

I was asked if I could help out a friend working at Aardman animation. He was working on the later evening and lacking Wallace, Rex the Runt.

I did the voice for Wayne the Rapping Zebra! Only for the Rapping moment mind, Bobby Ball did all his speaking parts. Apparently, Bobby was too Gangsta when it came to throwing down the lyrics.

I chew up cows and I slaughter sheep
When I get on the Mic, I'm a send you to sleep

Never got to meet Cannon's little friend though.

WORD
(mrbubber buggering buggertasch, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 12:18, 7 replies)

Not tele
But a mate of mine is currently bobbing about and rowing on the sea over in Wales as an extra in Crowe's new Robin Hood film *seethe*
I'm not annoyed about not getting to buddy about with Russell, although I would like to shout "Tugger! Nah!" whenever he appeared, but I'm cheesed off over the fact I didn't hear about the auditions or have the time to go and row a boat up to a beach, jump out and pillage some fine Welsh fillies. That and getting £300 a week.
The luck of the unemployed, eh?
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 11:42, 4 replies)

gay, but not in a happy way.
Repost. Sorry.


Last week those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat. They were filming the shot of them mincing down the street, talking piss. I found it really funny to shout “ BUMMERS” loudly out my window then duck and hide behind the curtain, as any real man would. I did it 8 times, every time ruining the shot. They laughed the 1 & 2 time, but by the 8th time the dark haired one shouted, “FUCK OFF”. Somewhat stunned, the only reply I could muster from the safety of my curtain based hiding place was a loud “GAY LORD”. That showed them. They gave up after that and went in side. Although I did ring the doorbell and run away. I only hope my homophobic heckling makes the final cut. If ever you watch a show of theirs from Edinburgh, listen out for “bummers”. That’s me. My mum will be so proud.
(Jeeves, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 11:23, 1 reply)

Phil & the Spanish Commercial Incident
A mate of mine, Phil, is about as bright as your average root vegetable. He’s also been desperate to get on TV since he was an embryo and contines to try his hardest to earn his fifteen minutes of fame on the idiot box. Not sure why – he’s completely talentless and ugly as sin. If he ever visited a burns ward for people with serious facial injuries caused by car crashes or malfunctioning power tools, the nurses would make a bed up for him and shoot him full of drugs until the terrible swelling round his eyes went down. But it won’t go down. He’s just a swollen-eyed, ugly twat.

A while back Phil was on holiday in Spain with his missus. He’s walking through a shopping precinct, bored, when he spots a TV crew and probably goes a little bit hard at the prospect of flapping his arms about on screen for the benefit and pleasure of the viewing millions. Phil races over. He speaks enough Spanish to order a beer or a blowjob, so he struggles a bit. But Phil finds the director who speaks a little English and he figures out the crew are looking for people to give a testimonial on a super-dupa product they’re advertising. Its a Spanish commercial, no fucker’s gonna see it, but Phil doesn’t care.

“I’ve been using your fine product for years,” he says to the director.

“No. You haven’t,” she says back.

“Oh yes I have!” He replies.

“This is a Spanish language commercial,” says the director.

“I speak Spanish!” Says Phil (probably hoping the commercial was for Tenerifes finest provider of beer and/or blowjob services).

And the exchange continued. For about five minutes. Phil wasn’t going anywhere. Phil is now the centre of attention. A small crowd has gathered round. Phil’s missus is looking just a little mortified. Evenutally the director caves in and agrees to do a peice to camera with my mate Phil. Just to get rid of the annoying cunt, I’m sure. They go over to a little stage area decorated with flowers. Phil sits in the nice comfy chair they have there. The crowd grows larger. Some people are taking Phil’s photo or doing a little video on their camera phone. Phil is feeling like the King of Fucking England and Billy Big Balls rolled into one.

The director sits in a chair out of shot. The camera man positions himself behind the camera and starts shooting. Phil is asked a question in high speed Spanish and a microphone is thrust under his nose.

“Si,” says Phil and nods a shitload. There’s a flurry of laughter from the ever-growing audience. The director asks Phil another question in rapid-fire forrin. Phil responds with another: “Si.”

Now he’s starting to feel a little uncomfortable. The lights, the attention, the heat, the crowd... He leans forward and whispers to the director: “Whassthis for???”

And she reaches down and brings up a small, very light weight pink box and hands it over. Phil stares at the box for a while, he still doesn’t have a fucking clue. The the director leans into him and whispers back conspirationally: “They’re towels... For when you’re heavy... For your...” the director thought about the correct word for a while. “... for when you’re having your period.”

Phil placed the box gently down on the floor by the chair, wished the director a good day, and fucked off into the crowd. People wanted to have their photo taken with him as he went.

(He’s still desperate to get on TV, though, the useless puffy-eyed retard).
( SpankyHanky, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 10:50, Reply)

The Secret Life of The Motorway
If any of you were of the four people who watched BBC4 last year or the year before then you would have seen my gurning mug (and that of my chicken ricker mouthed ex-wife) in the above named documentary!

Yep, real TV stardom for about 3 minutes, sandwiched between Will Self surrounded by post it notes being all self important about commuting and a pair of aged queens decrying the death of their village....

The film crew spent half a day with us, we had to reverse off our driveway at least 6 times and we both had to drive "naturally" with a crew of four people in the car with us (producer, production assistant, camera and sound, crouched in the back seat out of sight whilst anwering questions about our commuting habits.

For those of you who are motorway nerds (is their such a thing?), it was in episode two of a three part documentary series and we appeared about 45 minutes into the episode and again just at the end.

And I looked like a total arse.....

And my ex IS a total arse.....
(penrose your dog's got tits, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 9:21, Reply)

Not much of a story...
..but I got paid 40quid to 'sunbathe' on a beach in November, while Catherine Zeta Jones did something about a 1/4 of a mile away. I was an extra in that surf film she did years ago. I can't even remember what it was called.

Or even if I made the cut actually, I've never seen it.
(inflateable, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 7:27, 3 replies)

Nothing of mine ended up on TV...
... but I did try!

This is way back, from when I was a little lad, in primary school. For some reason (I honestly have no idea why) the headmistress had arranged the weatherman, Michael Fish to visit the school, and as a special treat, everyone in my class was invited to make the weather symbols for the screen.

Going around the class, everyone said which symbol they wanted to do. So my fellow 5 year olds were asking to make 'Sun' 'Rain' 'Clouds' 'Arrows.' Then it comes to me, shiney eyed, excited that something I did will be on the television, I figured I would be so cool, if I made thunder and lightning, so I get down with my coloured papers, pens, scissors and glittery dust, for the lightning... Even staying after school 10 minutes to get this brilliant, shiney, golden, epic storm cloud finished, for the teachers to laminate.

For the next few days, the whole class is buzzing with anticipation. Even got big numbers on the wall, counting down to the time our weather map will be shown, by Michael Fish, from on the telly...

... Then the day comes.

... Early June, heatwave. Only two or three of my peers who made the sun symbol got theirs on the telly. Stuck up at the north of Scotland, the rest of UK covered with the weather companies own symbols. Cue a class full of 5 year olds simultaneously break down with disappointment, that all our hard work was for nothing, and only two or three smug bastards, gloating about how they knew it would be sunny in June.

... I spent the prior two days almost praying for a thunderstorm.

(I know I wasn't on telly... but everyone likes to read about childrens crushed dreams)
(Earthling wants a silver moustache to show off to his chums, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 3:26, Reply)

Eggheads
I was on Eggheads, we didn't win over all but I won my individual round (in your face Judith!) and got to see inside good old Television Centre. Some observations...

- it was still Dermot presenting, and he only appeared when it was about to start (and they would play music to announce his arrival...) and then when it finished he left pretty much straight afterwards.

- Judith was either pissed or she couldn't understand a word I said to her (I'm from the west coast of Scotland, so that's not a surprise)

- CJ tried to be nice and feigned interest in what we did for a living...but yeah he's a tosser in real life as well - he was mean to Daphne when they were all talking to us. Twunt!

I also took the piss out of the England football team when I answered my first question, which according to the production assistant was greeted with a tirade of sweary words in 'the gallery'. Hehe - up yours gallery!
(Zutroy started without you, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 3:17, 3 replies)

Cannabis and cameras
I dont do either.
Cannabis either makes me panic, forgetful or fall asleep, so a total waste of time, last done in the early 90s.
Is also acutely camera shy, have been known to run into oncoming traffic to avoid some bunch of camera weilding and sound boom thingy whatsits bearing down on me.
And if they catch me like a rabbit in the headlights I usually garble something unintelligable that I hope wont be broadcast.
Until people ring me and say I just saw you on the news :(
So one day there Iam wandering home with my shopping, minding my own business, when suddenly there they are, right in my face.
The pavement is full, there is nowhere to go.
"Can we ask you, what are your views on cannabis?"
me, "er er " goes red and looks flustered.
"Have you heard of this man? "
www.cannabisculture.com/articles/1528.html
"Er yes"
Well we are standing a few feet away from his shop!
Reporters face lights up.
Can you tell us anything about him?
This was about the time he was going to court.
Me, "well no not really, have only sort of met once, although that was quite funny"
Me and my big mouth
They wouldnt let me go until I told them.
How we were both at an awards ceremony where we got trophies for *coughs* flower displays.
The eponimous Town in Bloom event.
We were posing for pics and giving our details to the local reporter.
He gave his name and some haughty council official snorted derisively and barked
"Give your real name"
And Rob Free Cannabis with a smile said "That is my real name"
You could see the angst on the councilors faces that , that was going to appear in the local newspaper alongside the other trophy winners.

I never saw that story on any local news for which Iam glad and no-one rang me to tell me they had seen it.

I have a new tactic now thanks to something posted on here.
If I'm mown down by a hit a run camera crew I'm going to tell them
"Sorry I have to go look at a van with no windows, cant stop"
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 1:27, 2 replies)

Dodge ze camera!!
Landward decided to come to a dig I was on at the time, and a mate of mine was trying his best to get on camera. complete camera-whoring! walking openly across the screen, finds seiving, the typical repetative or natural things that get filmed. I avoided the camera as much I could, no way in hell was I giving my parents something to show people everytime they come round n bore them shitless!!!
A few months later, and I have stolen nearly all the screen time, my mate did'nt even get a look in. This has been the subject of much boastful annoyance ever since. I think cameramen are like cats, they go to you if they know you are allergic.
(Techkitten, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 0:20, Reply)

Al fresco blow-jobs on camera...
My big son was in the army stationed in Belfast and worked in intelligence, which for a private like him meant watching CCTV coverage of Divis Mountain.

The paramilitaries knew this so if anything dodgy was about to go down, they'd divert the squaddies' attention by staging a sexy little tableau just for their benefit.

This was always done in the open next to a car and in front of a CCTV camera and if it was at night, near a lamp post.

It wasn't the alluring way the woman would undress that interested the squaddies, nor the often ingenious rutting positions on the car bonnet, or even the fun of rating her oral sex technique on a scale of one to ten.

No, it was the sudden furious slapping that the paramilitary would get from the often still-naked woman when she spotted the camera and realised she was being watched. Comedy gold!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 21:41, Reply)

I haven't been on TV but I have seen somebody else pretending to be me on TV
I've told all my mates about this and they never believe me.

To be fair, the photofit they showed at the end was bloody awful.
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 20:47, Reply)

I was a gingerbread kid.
When I was in music school I sung in a choir. We took part in Engelbert Humperdinck's "Hansel & Gretel", a 19th-century opera for children.
I was one of the kids changed to gingerbread-people (in a quite heavy costume). It was broadcasted on TV and one could see clearly this gingerbread-kid singing "oh who, oh who, who would save us and break this spell?..."
(disconnected, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 20:46, Reply)