I was once tricked into eating the foie gras of a substandard goose
took a couple glasses of dom perignon to get the taste out of my mouth ill have you know
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Mon 17 Dec 2012, 10:33, 8 replies)

I don't know why he did this...
Primary school, one of the first days of Year 3. For some reason person sitting next to me thought it'd be a good idea to sharpen a pencil over my head. Needless to say it didn't go over very well and though he probably can't remember exactly what happened anymore, I managed to overcome this adversity and went on to stuff his pencil sharpener and several of his pencils up my bum.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 17 Dec 2012, 8:53, 1 reply)

'Twas a week before Christmas
Two years ago.
My best friend Richard Głowa
decided too "Choose Life"
he would say "No".

He went as he came
with not a bang but a fizzle
and after his separation
he certainly liked
getting wet his newly single wizzle.

When your best friend dies
there's a void you can't fill.
In the wake of his death
I even became a friend of Bill.
I hate covering up for some-one elses lies.

His ex didn't want his parents to know
that as far as drugs went,
he was on the down-low.
Even when asked
despite my desire to vent
I didn't tell them that he liked his blow.

& now I find myself 2 years on
wishing I could ignore this certain date
and wanting to say to my dead friend
"I miss you mate."
& wondering if I could've ever changed the fact that he's gone.

EDIT: Not so much overcome, as overwhelmed.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 17 Dec 2012, 7:35, 44 replies)

After eighteen years
i finally beat my brothers high score on Donkey Kong.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Mon 17 Dec 2012, 0:59, 1 reply)

Can't see there being many lols this week...

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 22:37, 8 replies)

I don't know if this counts as I'm still waiting to overcome
In February this year I started a contract as a site manager...it had the best rate of pay I'd ever achieved in a field that would look amazing on the cv and would secure tons of future work.

In august a few of the guys on site and I had a 5-a-side knock about football game. Forty minutes into the game something fell off the wall of the gym and hit the back of my leg - it certainly felt like that and I looked around to see what had happened. There was no sign of anything and I'm sitting on the floor with the hardest of cramp in my right calf which just faded out to numbness. Walking was interesting - I couldn't put any weight at all on the toes, so I had a flat-footed limp.

Two days after the event I'm face down on an operating table, numb from the chest down as my achilles tendon is threaded back together. Two weeks after that I'm unemployed - it's difficult to be the manager of a construction project you can't get anywhere near.

I'm finaly fit again, and last week had to sign on. I've lost somewhere near to £40,000 in earnings for a project that would have run until March 2013 which would have helped us (Me, the mrs and our three year old son) move out of this one-bedroom flat.

Fingers crossed for January....
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 20:33, 8 replies)

Testicular Senility
An awareness campaign

Many men bemoaning their sudden lack of cognisance faculties. Others chart the same decline as a gradual thing.

Simultaneously many males are displaying a decreased sex drive and or lack of physical prowess with advancing years.

I would say both these come from the same source a depression in the testosterone output. Testicular senility explains how these are related.

What is Testicular senility?

Have you been accused of 'thinking with your balls?' Even if you haven't, you probably have and this is not such a bad thing. As we reach adolescence we are suddenly confronted with more responsibilities and learning experiences. The human body is an amazing thing in its adaptivity, and utilises the sudden growth of the adult body with the need to develop the adult mind.

By transferring entire thought processes to the testicles the mind frees up space for the increased cognitive demand placed on it. The mind in effect becomes a dual core processor. This is analogous to modern computers utilising the solid state memory of plug in devices to boost processing speed.

As we age testosterone decreases, forcing these thoughts out of the balls, up the spine and into the brain. The sudden imposition of thought algorithms that had been safely loaded in ones testicles since the onset of puberty can at times overload the mind. This leads to slower thinking in a condition know to the medical community as 'Befuddlement'

The more you know.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 16:45, 10 replies)

my WiFi doesnt go as far as my bathroom
so I have to use my phones data allowance if I want to use the internet while I poop
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 13:26, 6 replies)

I'm posting this from the lav
I just dun a 8 inch jobby that I swear had shoulders
(quintsy, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 12:57, 2 replies)

my local shell garage was out of v power
so i had to fill my honda accord with that piss weak fuel saver petrol that the peasents use
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 11:17, 8 replies)

Once managed to ejaculate after drinking 9 pints of Guinness.
Almost severed a wrist tendon to get there mind.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 10:53, 4 replies)

I have a hangover so I went to the corner shop and bought some bacon.
It's not smoked because I'm not a prick.
And it's proper streaky because I'm not a prick.
I'm not going to cook it until it's crisper than frazzles because I'm not a fucking prick.

Pricks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 10:34, 24 replies)

I lost the entirety of my left-hand side in an accident.
I'm alright now.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 2:06, 17 replies)

The irritating woman that lives down the street
cornered the Mrs. and started into a long tale of woe about her aunt. Seems that the old aunt had well on Alzheimer's and now she had bowel cancer. "What can you do for a person like that?" she wailed.
"I think the kindest thing would be if you held a pillow on her," said the Mrs.
"Pillow?"
"Until she stops kicking."
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 1:26, 3 replies)

How I Learned to Walk Again
New Years 2012 was hard. You probably did something great, but I was in hospital. I mean, I believe I was. I don’t remember, I was out of my mind on painkillers.

It was so stupid. A go-karting accident, of all things. Sounds silly, but I guess sometimes things just go badly. I got so smashed up that my pelvis was practically a fine powder. I was told that I’d likely never walk unaided again, and even the idea of me walking again didn’t have brilliant odds. But I decided that a positive, determined attitude would see me through. I spent months in physical therapy but by the end of it I was walking with just a cane.

I guess it seems kind of silly, but I’d always kind of wanted to climb Ben Nevis, so I decided that would be my goal. I’m sure the idea of practicing walking seems weird to many people, but if walking is hard for you, that’s what you need to do, and that’s what I did. And in August, I made the climb. I took the Pony Track, which some put down as the “tourist route”, but for me it was terribly hard. Think about that. A few times there I nearly quit, but I forced myself to do it.

And so I made it to the plateau. This was it. This was what life was all about. I breathed in the crisp, clear mountain air. In the distance, I heard a bird call. I felt the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.

“Yes,” I said. “Yes! Here I am, world,” I shouted. “You tried to put me down but it didn’t work! I’m still here! Do your woOOOoooOOOOOaaaauuuugh,” I moaned as my backside gave way and released pint after pint of arse gravy into my trousers. “Nooooooooooauhhh!” I screamed as the force of the explosion knocked me over, leaving me writhing in the dirt, honking with misery as liquid bum shame squirted out of the ends of my cloth tubes.

I suppose I shouldn’t have tried to put that spanner up my arse.
(Frank Snow, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 1:23, 6 replies)

this morning I couldnt find the remote
so I had to get up and walk all the way to the t.v. to change the channel
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 16 Dec 2012, 0:09, 5 replies)

no it isn't

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 22:33, 1 reply)

this is the worst qotw ever.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 21:52, 6 replies)

STEP! HAMMER TIME!

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 20:53, 2 replies)

A true inspiration
Not me, but someone that I know (and so do most people on the Isle of Man) Katherine Crowe. After years of fighting cancer and suffering seriously bad reactions to the chemotherapy, she's been effectively told that her condition is terminal, but has it got her down? has it buggery. All she's wanted to do all her life is write and play music and she's been blessed with an amazing voice to boot. Recently she had the chance to record at Abbey Road, which she took with both hands and the outcome is here. www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-isle-of-man-20711326

This has now kicked off a viral campaign to get sales for her single (the Xmas number 1 would be nice!) to donate to research for alternative cancer treatments that will benefit those that chemo does not work for and to leave something behind for her husband and kids. This isn't a plug for her single or asking for donations, I just admire what she's doing and how she's handling what she's going through.
(The Inevitable Pelican, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 14:29, 3 replies)

There's a willow tree behind one of my sheds and it tends to get damp creeping up the back wall so I've stuck some damp proofing up its arse.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 14:03, 2 replies)

No arms, no legs, no worries.
This bloke deserves a mention

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA
(Barnetboy, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 13:57, 5 replies)

A bad memory resurfaces, thanks to Shambo's persistent up-bum comments...
This will no doubt make you squirm with delight...

For about 4 years I had a step-brother, thanks to my Dad's habit of marrying and divorcing a series of women.

He was fucking disturbed.

Thankfully, he lived with my Dad and step-mum. I lived with my real Mum, so I didn’t meet him for some time.

One Summer, when I was about 10, I was sent to Dad’s house, some 8 hours bus ride away, as per the divorce rules.

Upon arrival, I was gleefully informed by the new step brother that he liked to insert lots of small coins and marbles up his arse, hold on for long as possible, then take great delight in hearing the "plink plink plink" as they hit the porcelain when he went for a dump.


wtf methinks...slowly edging away.

I rapidly learned to stick to Dad's side like glue in case this perverted gollum creature tried to touch me with his chewed fingernailed shitty fingers. Dad would be chain smoking, writing his latest book, I would sit by his side all day, and most of the night, passively smoking a good 3 packs a day of ciggies, terrified to leave the protective zone.

Dad didn’t believe my story about the step brother, and went back to his writing. In hindsight, more than likely he didn’t want to have to deal with it. He was pretty much a responsibility-free zone.

I also learned that the step brother once inserted a knitting needle down the eye of his cock "to see how far it would go", as he explained to the A&E nurse, believing that one could keep pushing until the needle came out the bumhole. Pain threshold? Non existant. Why? Who fucking cares, just don’t fucking do it in the first place!

Also, not exactly up-bum behaviour, but just as titillating for some, he would tape the electrodes from the Scalextric transformer to his genitals and cranks it up to the max, thus eventually invoking an involuntary orgasm.

He was about 12 at the time of this behaviour. I was about 10 and understandably fucking disturbed and traumatised about having to stay in the same house as him.

After just one visit, I managed to avoid any further visitations under threat of suicide.

Dad eventually re-married, and I have no idea what happened to the step brother. Hopefully he received some seriously intensive counselling. Or at the very least, a contract with the Jim Rose Circus.

Years later I told a few mates about it, we had a running joke about carrying around small change in one’s arse in case you needed emergency bus fare.




And no, I don't think he had a step-hammer. Or a step-ladder. Just a severely damaged sense of self.
( Ken Oath, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 13:36, 12 replies)

last night I had to endure public transport
so I could enjoy a beer or two over my tom yung goong soup and green curry
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 12:51, Reply)

Not entirely sure where the comedy is in this QOTW, but fuck it.
=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=- "OH WOE IS ME, ALAS POOR ME, I KNEW HIM WELL blah blah" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

As some of you know, I have crohns, which I'm not entirely sure I know 100% about, 'cus I don't look it up. I just know that it means that for a few hours a day I have to be near a lav. Quite a lot of the time, a few times a day, I'm chained for a few hours. Not gonna get grim, but its the 'urge' thats bad, you know that over whelming unignorable urge that something is gonna happen, weather thats actually gonna happen or not, I just donno, so can't risk it. For the record though, only once did I have to shit in a pringles tube on the train, and that was for a dare. I swapped it for a copy of The Big Issue, so I could wipe up. No wonder the big issue lot are shit at buisness, that magazine cost £3 and tesco do 2 tubes of pringles for £2.50; even if it wasn't filled with shit it would have been a bad deal.

I've gone from solphadeen to codine to morphine to morphine'n'methadone as a painkiller, via the means of all sorts of others, the thing is not all painkillers work on me... slow release morphine did fuck all 'cus my guts have been cut up so many times. Infact, the doc changed her policy or whatever when she realised. "House" ain't got shit on me when it comes to scoring this stuff back in the day.

Not a week goes by when I don't see at least one doctor. Plus so many people have opinions on what I should do, and what I should eat, because they have a mate who once had IBD. Which is quite insulting 'cus it implies that I would be cured if I "did it right", where as I've had countless advice from actual medical profesionals, and people forget that I've still got to live, and I don't want to live a life without indulgancies. I don't drink and I love food.

And then there is other shit thats not been right, lived in shitholes, had head-wobbbles that put me in the loony bin, dead dad, lost touch with most of my mates 'cus of me not liking cocaine.

=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=- "But you know me, i can't complain" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Knowing I'll never be able to hold down a normal job, I trained myself up as a web developer when I left school after minimal GCSESs 'cus of illness. Site after site, system after system, I've been able to work out every system I've come across in any language I've come across. I donno, I just have a knack for them or something. So with this, I've pretty much always got good-paying work, I'm constantly being approached by people to do jobs for them. This is with the fact that a lot of the time I have to work from home as well as in the office. Oh, and I do the whole thing with actaul real life dyslexia; you know, the kind that got you classed as being one of the thick kids.

I find myself whistling randomly 'cus I'm mostly happy. In a world with dogs in, nothing can be too bad, I truly believe that. Lots of stuff sucks, but the world doesn't, the world rocks, with christmas lights and tall buildings and mulled wine and .... insert autisticly long list of everything that I love in the world, but its mostly dog related.

And to all those OhWoeIsMe'ers out there, I reckon there are gonna be a few, there is always a good movie out soon (Man Of Still, X-Men: The Prequal : The Sequal, Wolverine 2, Avengers 2, pascific rim... to name a few), so if you're gonna do anything stupid, you'll miss them out, so you might as well wait 'till they come out, 'cus I'd be gutted if I missed them. Plus all the going-ons in Hollyoaks.

You know the trick to life? PMA. Possitive Mental Attitude. The world never sucks, just your perception of it. Lyinthord Christy was bang on

That's all, thank you for reading.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 10:00, 18 replies)

Poisoned by "certified organic" pesticide used by the army corps of engineers.
I wish I knew how to add photos, I would show some of the less gory pics.
However my story, I was poisoned by the army corps of engineers.
They in all their glory decided to poison out a lake so they could restock it with game fish for rich touristy types.
They neglected to tell the locals that the Rotenone used to kill off the lake is also lethal and or dangerous to a very small percentage of humans (I am one of the lucky ones)
It caused me to lose most of my liver function, kidney failure, heart issues,some brain functions are impared in that I have problems concentrating and I went from proofing newspaper articles to barely being able to compose a letter, lungs were filling with fluid and full of blistering lesions as well.I have to carry around a lame oxygen tank now so I don't die.
On the skin side, I would get unendurable feeling of burning followed by the skin burning from the inside out, you could actually feel the high heat coming off my skin right before blisters formed, then popped then the skin slid off leaving the underlaying muscles exposed.
I required many skin grafts after they figured out what was causing this.
I have some scars on my face as a result of this as well,but thankfully most of the skin slid off my abdomen and legs and not my face. I am now perminantly unable to do alot of the physical things I used to do as the new skin is not all that strong. I also am very photosensitive and any bright light sends me into mild seizures. I will require a kidney transplant in the future as well.
What bothers me the most is Obama our noncitizen president had created a law in which we can no longer sue the government for being poisoned by them (part of the Patriot Act) Thankfully I have insurance because the bills are close to half a million dollers at this point and I will never fully recover mentally or physically.
Send me a message if you want to see some gory pics. My legs will never again look good in a skirt :( it is jeans only for me for the rest of my life.
(zhinka If you don't rescue,don't breed!, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 5:44, 48 replies)

In March 2012 I was diagnosed with cancer.
Two anxious months of tests and waiting, at each appointment expecting to get a treatment plan, and instead unexpected results requiring another round of tests. Had extensive surgery on 30th May, and an all-clear in June. First of five years of follow-up appointments was in October, few more tests as things not looking quite right, but thankfully just issues with healing from the surgery (which could take another six months to complete).

The cancer I had was very aggressive and fast-growing. It's nearly Christmas, and I am alive to enjoy it with my family.
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 14 Dec 2012, 22:43, 12 replies)

Not the largest, but the most annoying:
I got a small bit of toilet tissue stuck up my arse once. It was really itchy. That 'supersoft' paper disintegrates too easily.
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 14 Dec 2012, 21:15, 7 replies)

Squibble sqoubble ball jelly
gnnnnn gnnnnnaaaaa gnnnnaaaaauuugh grrrrroooooo grooooo ooooooo OOOOO OOOOAAAAAA OOOOAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Over 10K Ming Dynasty

UH UH UH AAH AAAH AAAAH OOOOO OOO OOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

this FUCKING site has broken my miiiind
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 14 Dec 2012, 20:00, Reply)