Star Wars
I absolutely LOVE the actual first three films - it's not Star Wars itself, but this:

When the first one came out a number of less able boys at my school referred to a mysterious character named 'Dar Vader', or 'Dark Vader'.

For some reason, three decades on, I still find my fists clenching at the thought of it - and belm so hard I could rip my bottom lip off.

*EDIT* they were probabaly the same oafs who would refer to 'home goals'. Even I know that's wrong...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 2 May 2008, 15:03, 2 replies)

Hulk Mad!!
- Bad drivers: People who really don’t know how to drive, pick wrong lanes on round abouts, drive like they own the damn road and park like they deserve to take up 2 spaces!

- Metrosexual guys: As a bloke I feel that we need to stand up for our masculinity, so I get really annoyed when I see guys wearing pink, shaving chests and talking about designer clothes & hair products! You’re supposed to be men, stop being a pussy and worrying about your hair and go kill something!

- People who say that American football is for wussies because they ware pads: They ware pads because in rugby you need to tackle below the waist; in American football its anywhere below the NECK and most of the guys are about 6’5” and weigh about 30stone. I think I would want ware pads if I got hit by THAT!

- Bad music & people who stick up for bad music: Some music just sucks, especially modern music that is processed watered down versions of its predecessors that has been manufactured to sell. Let’s face it, the song consists of the same riff over and over again, slight changes with bad meaningless lyrics sung over the top. It’s saved by the fact that it’s simple, easy to understand and sung by some chick with low moral standards and a large cleavage.

Phew.. take a breath..
(ldwater otherwise known as a 'jive turkey', Fri 2 May 2008, 15:02, Reply)

Cruelty to Animals Lecture
I get accused of this every now and then. As I have disclosed in the past, every now and then I will shoot/hook one of our Furry/Scaley little chums. I will then scoop out the wobbly bits, and cook it up, drooling slightly in anticipation.

Now, from time to time, I'll be accused of being cruel for killing a Fluffy. Or worse, a Bambi.

Now if this comes from a vegetarian (preferably a vegan so I can break them in half like a dry twig if they annoy me), fair goes. As a matter of principle they eschew lovely meat, putting up with the crippling flatulence, paleness, illness, inability to withstand sunlight, smell of fermented sprouts and all the rest. Good for you, pale-skinned ones, the world needs a few more people with principles. Just don't expect me to be converted from hunter-gatherer mode.

Now for the 'pseudo-veggies'. Excuse me while I take a deep breath....

'Vegetarian but eats chicken' get out of my sight you hypocritical dribble of fetid piss. Chickens, while evil, spurt blood in messy ways as they are 'orribly killed for your eating pleasure, after what can only be described as a bit of a shit life if battery-raised. Genes programmed to bung on as much cheap, tasteless, watery bulk as possible in the shortest time period, in the dark sheds waiting for death. All for you. Lovely. So take your pretend veggie-ness and insert it vigorously in yourself.

'Veggie but eats fish'. More acceptable (to me at least and it's my rant). Without going in to the relevant complexities of brains/CNS between fish/birds/mammals, fish aren't cute. They are both tasty and slimy, so they are fucked in the fluffy/fishy PR battle. Chomp away, in fact it's quite a healthy diet.

'Non-Veggie lecturing me on cruelty'. Right ya wee bas, I am deliberately extruding a small turd, which I will hurl with enraged chimp accuracy at your cock-snot dribbling mouth. Anyone who has the faintest idea how food is produced for the mass market and still has the brass balls to have a go at me for knocking off a wild animal with one shot* and then turning it into an internationally acclaimed** casserole needs culling and recycling as bonemeal.





*except for the ones I take home, bleeding and whimpering, to the cellar for my 'experiments'

**they came from Wales, so it counts.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 2 May 2008, 15:01, 5 replies)

The politics of personality.
It worked in the States, now we're getting it too. Ken or Boris? Never mind the policies, who's got the best suit?¹

Gordon or David? Well, Gordon changed his mind on something once, David never does that²

Gordon Brown on TV in the US, HEY LOOK HE'S IN MAKEUP AND HAS BEEN STYLED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON US TV! How shameful and embarrassing³

What the fucking gibbering bloody fuck is wrong with us? Why do we WANT to be like the US? They ended up 'voting' for Bush for fucks sake! TWICE!

I don't want a politician that smiles and kisses babies, I don't care if they're pristine for the cameras, I don't care if they're friends with Oasis, if they're red or blue, if they've got pearly white teeth, if they're an alcoholic, if their child is a normal teenager prone to getting drunk. I DO NOT FUCKING CARE.

All I want to know is if they'll look after things that actually help society funtion like schools, the health service, policing serious crime instead of nicking grannies for having a slightly open bin. I don't even mind if they raise taxes to pay for this, as long as they're honest about it, which they never fucking are.

What the fuck happened to common sense, or was that just a myth in the first place?

Every time I see any of those goits on TV it makes me damn near spit with rage.

GNAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

phew, glad I got that off my chest, I'm fluffy really...

¹ The London Paper 01/05/08
² The Evening Standard - past two weeks
³ Take your pick
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 2 May 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

Five steps to rage
As a fully paid up member of the "Grumpy Old Men" club, my blood is regularly brought to boiling point by the usual suspects who may or may not get a b3ta style denouncement, depending on whether or not the likes of Osok, Davros’s Grandad or the much missed Pooflake beats me to the spot.

*edit* And Che. And Legless. I like Legless.

However, there are a few other slightly less obvious grievances I have with society in general which drive me crackers:

1) Lowest common denominator television

David Attenborough has earned himself a pint from me for launching a scathing attack on the BBC being "obsessed with endless lifestyle programming". And he has a point.

Our great bastion of impartial entertainment has become obsessed with appealing to the intellectually substandard to the detriment of everyone else with an IQ exceeding 84. The great comedies, documentaries and dramas we grew up with have given way to a deluge of Text Vote TV shows, with annoyingly camp hosts. Every year I send a letter to the BBC complaining that "Strictly Come Dancing" takes up ninety minutes of my BBC1 Saturday night, together with an hour a day on BBC2 during the week. Every year I get the same response; "Children in Need" as a way of reaching out to my innate sense of guilt. I do wish they'd fuck off long time.

If it isn't Z-list celebs I've never heard of in ball gowns, it's the endless grind of humiliation in the name of finding a female star of a musical I'll never willingly go and see while I still have control over my limbs.

I used to be able to look forward to a decent Saturday night film after an evening of programming devoted to learning something new. Now I have to endure endless aesthetically challenged till jockettes from Haringay/Hartlepool massacring their way through "I will always love you" followed by four hours of endless football. The corporation which once served us up the delightful dish consisting of Monty Python, Life on Earth, The World at War and Fawty Towers now slops out My Family, Trinny & Tranny and other bollocks to depressing to name in a derisory, slovenly fashion akin to a BBC canteen dinner lady.

2) Traffic Calming.

You brake, drive carefully over a sleeping policeman and accelerate up to the speed limit before repeating six times along a four hundred yard stretch of road and you wear out your suspension and brakes and burn more costly fuel in the name of safety. Hardly green motoring is it?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as a child I was raised to believe that playing in a busy road was A Very Bad Thing. I might get hurt. And you know what? It worked for me, for I have never been run over. The current hysteria which suggests that a mob of mindless children will be shambling in front of cars like righteous zombies would be unnecessary if they brought back the road safety ads featuring Dave Prowse and Alvin Stardust which date from a time when even children were trusted with a certain amount of responsibility.

Oh, and that advert with the bloodied girl by the side of the road saying “Hit me at 30mph and I stand an 80% chance of living” makes me want to buy an SUV and go all Grand Theft Auto on sanctimonious parents.

3) Heat & Nuts Magazine

During the mid 90s, "Lad" culture exploded on the scene. What started out as slightly ironic (ie Loaded and early FHM, which both featured some amusing and informative articles and interviews now and again) has turned into an endless stream of airbrushed closeups of Abi Titmuss's & Lucy Pinder's (who?) norks. I find it hard to believe that photoshopped vacuous z listers can do it for anyone, but then I rarely shop at TK Maxx.

Moreover, given that a large number of female movie stars are over thirty years old and that a good many of them have had children leads me roll my eyes skyward when sat on the bus behind a small group of muffin-topped early tweenty somethings cackling away at the photographic evidence to support Heat magazine’s revelation that Uma Thurman has cellulite. Shock! Horror! Call the cops…

Indeed, I end up berating myself for not saying out loud

“She may well have cellulite, but I’d still rather shag her than any of you lot. Even if I were being paid for my trouble”.

4) Mobile Phones

Once upon a time, a telephone was a device through which you conversed with your friends and family, or possibly the speaking clock. Now someone had a brilliant idea, “Why don’t we make a telephone you can carry round all the time?” before building something resembling a briefcase with an aerial sticking out.

Clearly this wasn’t enough. The telephone had to become a fashion accessory and a fifty quid Nokia sports technology that James T Kirk would be envious of. Or maybe he wouldn’t.

Perhaps good ol’ Jim might want to play some shit R&B music whilst waiting for Scotty to beam him up from the surface of Q’uonos? Or maybe he’d try to impress the Klingon ambassador by showing him a grainy video of a woman defecating into her acquaintance’s mouth?

Perhaps the humourless folks from Vulcan would raise an involuntary chuckle at Angry Kid?

“it’s some sort of primitive communication device, Jim”.

5) Compensation

Now ensuring that the unfortunate victims of accidents get some sort of recompense to cover their costs isn’t unreasonable. A recent freak storm in the town of Manningtree, Essex lifted a housewife’s two year old roof clean off and threw it into the front garden. However, because the average speed of the wind recorded in Manningtree’s meteorological (why can I type that word, but find myself unable to say it?) station that evening did not exceed 58mph meant that the strict criteria of “storm” was not met and thus the insurance company did not pay out.

Meanwhile, a sweaty female chav who barely qualifies for the term “mother” falls over an uncontrolled child in the middle of her local Tesco’s and injures herself, unfortunately in such a way as to not impede her ability to reproduce.

A no-win-no-fee lawyer is consulted and Tesco pay out damages on account of the injury sustained because of an unruly and unrestrained child on their premises. Who did the child belong to? That’s right…

Compensation culture is seen as a get rich quick shortcut these days. Indeed, being hit by anything council owned is a sure way of being able to finance that new boob job. I wouldn’t care very much if it were just a case of sticking it to the corporation, but it’s affected my life in several irritating ways.

Firstly is the proliferation of risk assessments and day long courses to ensure that the stupid know how to use a ladder. Secondly is the fact that whenever someone is stupid enough to drive into someone else, the Police decide to leave the wreckage exactly where it is and stop the traffic for hours on end. When challenged, the answer is “Ealf and safety innit? We could get sued if we don’t”, while they sit around, drinking coffee and holding the working people of Britain up for a few hours.

Then there is the fact that scared corporations and councils have hiked their fees in recent years, just in case anyone slips over and injures themselves while using said product / facilities.

The phrase "Watch where you're going, you clot!" is so underused these days.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 May 2008, 15:00, 10 replies)

Pete Doherty
Not because he's a talentless drugged up waste of space. That doesn't really bother me at all.

What does bother me, is that I like to wear a trilby, and last night my band played a gig, and after the gig, I put said trilby on, as my hair was a sweaty mess. I was wearing jeans, a tequila t-shirt and some trainers, other than the trilby, nothing like Pete Doherty.

Much to my annoyance, SIX separate people came up to me making comments like "aw'right Pete, aren't you supposed to be in jail? hur hur hur", "Are you supposed to be Pete Doherty?" and the most fucking annoying one, two pissed up hippies who'd just been to see Björk at the venue down the way, hassling me for ten minutes following me round trying to get photos with me and saying "I'm a bit embarrassed to be talking to you Pete, but could I get your autograph"... it wasn't funny when they first said it, it was met with silence from their other friends, yet they carried on for about ten minutes.

It really got on my nerves, and they weren't giving in so I had to leave the pub.

So basically, I just want Pete Doherty to stop wearing trilbies, because I wear them, and I'm not him.

I never get those length jokes, but I'm sure you could all think of something funnier
(Multi-Coloured Pop Shop "twat with a ukulele", Fri 2 May 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

American spelling
Yes, it's been done before and so on. Yes, it pisses me off. But, for those people who have no clue as to why the English language has some apparently redundant letters in it, I will remind you that you speak a language that has continuously evolved over 1200 years and point you to this site:

www.uefap.com/writing/spell/spelfram.htm


Hint: The extra U has got nothing to do with pronounciation. A little gem of a fact that your man there who phoneticised the American version singularly failed to notice.
( Kroney, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:57, Reply)

Welsh Male Voice Choirs
I just fucking hate them.

Whoever told the Welsh they had the monopoly on great singing voices should be shot with shit.
My taste in music is quite eclectic but will NEVER include this dross.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 May 2008, 14:53, 2 replies)

Nothing.
Nada. Not an iota. Really. Im a tranquil plane of perfect yin yang harmony, untouched by all petty worries on this earthly existence. peace be all.

















Though that advert for Sketchers 'sneakers' is a fucking cuntrash.
(trumplefahrt, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:53, 2 replies)

People
Who know what you mean, but feel the need to correct you, didn’t your mother tell you that is so fucking rude.
(conzo21, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:52, 5 replies)

Okay, the US vs UK English one has just about been done to death...
...but let me throw one more in.

Browsing teh web to find a paper, I came across some archive/newsstand-type site. Nice little feature on the side - if you want the page translated into, say French, you click the French flag icon.
German, you click the little German flag icon.
English, you click the...

...American flag? Oh, fuck off. Seriously. Why not go the whole hog and link to the Dutch translation with a Belgian flag, or the French translation with a Canadian one? I could even have tolerated US spellings - just - but claiming ownership over another country's language is just plain fucking rude.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:49, 1 reply)

Blazing Squad, East 17, So Solid Crew..............need I go on
And their fucking chavvy, London, street talking.

Bunch of cunts. Talk properly.

Perhaps if you did your music wouldn't suck cock in hell.

I am loving this QOTW, it's like therapy.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:47, 2 replies)

call centres
Anyone who has ever worked in a call centre to gain quick funds should know call centres are full of people who are completely full of their own self importance. Like those dickie floor walkers who actually believe they have some sort of super-powers. Also those managers who have dick sucked their way up to were they are today, who run around again full of their own self importance patronising people with the usual shitty quote 'sell sell sell', "I will fucking sell if I feel like it, now get out of my face you piece of shit, how many fucking GCSE's, A'Levels or Degrees have you got? huh? Ah none because u got kicked out of school when you were 16 and have been sucking dick ever since to get by." fucks me right of! (anyone got anything to say about grammar or spelling tell someone who cares)
(conzo21, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:45, 9 replies)

People Who Watch or Stare
There is nothing more creepy than whilst minding your own business on the train etc to look up and meet the eyes of someone who has been staring at you, quite obviously, for some time. What's worse is when they then don't look away.

Worse still is when they grin...

I also hate when people watch me when I'm eating. I don't like it. I don't really like eatin in public, but do it anyway. However, when someone is watching me eat, I seem to forget exactly how to go about eating. food doesn't reach my mouth, chewing goes a bit wrong, I'll take too much or too little and end up with food all over the table.

its just a disaster.

and I usually then pour drink down my front.

sexy
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Fri 2 May 2008, 14:43, 2 replies)

The dumbing down of society.
The best and most important film I've seen this century is a vastly overlooked film, ironically from the creator of Beavis and Butthead, called Idiocracy. It's about an average Joe who gets frozen as part of a military experiment, is accidentally forgotten about, and wakes up 500 years in the future to find a society so impossibly dumbed down that he's easily the smartest person alive.

It cemented a lot of random thoughts I had, and I honestly think this is the direction that society is going in. In no particular order, here are the symptoms.

1. Homeopathic remedies. Scientists and doctors sacrifice their entire working lives finding genuine cures for stuff, but the public would rather buy magic beans. And they know they're magic beans too, it has to say so on the label.

2. Eco-spin. We all know very well that buying a slightly more energy efficient fridge is going to do f-u-c-k a-l-l in the grand scheme of climate change. Given that China opens a new coal-fired power plant every two weeks, it's not going to make a lot of global difference, but of course China are important trading partners so let's not say anything impolite to them.

3. Dumb news. The Sun, Mail and Express reach six million homes every day. Enough said. Let me remind you that The Sun trains its journalists not to write above a reading age of seven.

I think we're already at the stage where society is too dumb to solve its problems. For example; world peace is not difficult; just get the people who make and sell arms for a living out of Congress.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:42, 2 replies)

Meh!
Why the hell do old people decide to go shopping during lunchtime on a weekday? I've got an hour to pop out pick up a few things from the Asda and get back to work while they have all sodding day to do it but always seem to leave it until sometime between 12 and 2 every fecking weekday.

I can always guarantee that I will be stood at the checkout behind some coffin dodger having an in depth conversation about the custard creams they've bought with their other half/ bored looking till monkey serving her.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:42, Reply)

toilet seat
Girls who moan about the toilet seat being left up, rather than down really get my goat.

"It's disgusting", they moan, "moan, moan moan", they moan ad nauseum.

And what's more, girls who moan about the seat being up, are the first to complain when we piss all over the seat! They don't even realise that our hand was forced (as it were), by their own silly toilet rules.

Where's the logic!?

In the interests of equality, it makes more sense for boys to leave the seat up each time, and girls to leave it down. Assuming each household is comprised of equal numbers of each gender, then, using this failsafe system we'd only have to move the seat (either up or down according to preference), 50% of the time.
( rofl harris, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:41, 4 replies)

Oh dear, here we go
Ok. Now, before I start, I am not the type of person that begrudges people doing anything. People can do what the hell they want, BUT, as long as it doesn't affect me. This is the main crux of what annoys me, but there are other reasons as well. Here goes:

1) People playing music out of their phones on public transport. People can listen to whatever crap music they want, but what gives them the fucking right to subject everyone else to their music? It'd be the same if I plugged some portable speakers into my MP3 player and blasted rock music out. The only reason they do this, is not for the enjoyment of the music. They do this in order to maintain their image, to make themselves look like 'gangstas'. It is for this exact reason that you only ever hear these cretins playing rap music.

2) Bodily functions in public. Now, I'm not talking about body functions in general, because obviously people can't help it. However, when they have no regard for people near them that is when it annoys me. For example, when people just cough without covering their mouths. There is no reason for this, and it makes me feel sick. Also, people who continually sniff annoys me. I've been known on occasions to give them a tissue, to get the point across.

3) People who force their beliefs upon you, and look down on you if you don't agree with them. This is mainly directed towards religious types . As I said earlier, people can do what the hell they want. They can believe what they want, they can do what they want and they can be whatever religion they want. BUT, I resent being preached to. If I am not of your religion, it doesn't make me a bad person. But, when you come out in public and try to convince people to believe in the same things as you, you're a bad person. I've heard preachers in public say that we were all going to hell, and that we are all sinners. THink what you want, but please don't force your opinions on me thanks.

4) People who talk about things which they have little or no experience of, as if they are are all-knowing. This is mainly directed at radio presenters. As a radio presenter myself, I don't like to discuss things that I don't have a reasonable knowledge of. Therefore, if I want to talk about something in the news, I do a little bit of research into that subject so I don't make huge assumptions. For example, I hear so many times in the media that video games are evil. No they're not. They were making huge false assumptions, and saying that perhaps we should ban videogames. For one, if people are more likely to be violent as a character trait, a video game will not change that. If that were true, and videogames had such a large effect, a very large percentage of people who play GTA or the like would commit crime. This is not the case. People who are of a violent disposition are more likely to buy violent videogames than others, that is true. However, it is the person's behaviour dictating what they buy or play, not the game's effect on the person's behaviour.

5) People in supermarkets. I hate people in supermarkets. Something strange happens to most people when they step foot into a supermarket, their manners go out of the window and they walk at a snails pace. If you are looking in an aisle, please don't put your trolley directly in the middle of it. Also, if you are in control of a trolley, please for the love of God look where you're going. Just because you have a trolley doesn't mean people will get out of the way when you come along.

6) People who smoke. Now this is a big one. I don't smoke, but I drink. Therefore, it irks me that when smokers are asked about the ban, they say why aren't they doing this to the drinkers too? There is one very salient reason for this. When I drink a pint of beer, I am only affecting myself. I am doing the damage, and unless you are a violent drunk, drinking alcohol will not affect your health in ANY WAY. However, if you decide to light up a cigarette in my vicinity, you are not only damaging your body (Which you are more than welcome to do. Treat your body how you want) but you are affecting EVERYONE else around you. You are making people's clothes stink, polluting the air. If you want to smoke, go outside or do it in an isolated spot. If you want to smoke, fine. Just don't make me smoke as well.

I think that'll do for now.
(Dazzorifik is bored of b3ta, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:41, 2 replies)

Off the top of my head part 2

Organic Food
Wait a minute... We invent ingenious, efficient and cheap ways to make food bigger and more resilient and suddenly everyone wants food from the dark ages? WHAT THE HELL? If genetic modification means we can create a carrot that can feed ten people and grow in arid conditions, we should do it immediately! We'd save money, prevent famine and solve a lot of problems, but oh no, we have to have an anorexic carrot that wouldn't feed a single rabbit because people think a GM modified food will attack them and rampage through Tokyo.

Healthy Eating
If I go to Tesco's and buy an unhealthy shop, full of pizzas and the like, it will be cheaper than if I buy a healthy shop of fruit, veg, rice, pasta etc to the tune of £20. How does that work? How does buying the individual ingredients of a pizza cost more than actually buying a ready made pizza?

Despite this, we are told we must eat healthily and must eat our five a day. GET FUC*ED!
(stubbledchin, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:40, 1 reply)

Here's one that definitely gets to me.
Having old QOTWs vanish off the list.

I know for a fact that an early one about pranks vanished- I assumed it was because some of the pranks contained therein were dangerous or mean. But I'm also pretty sure we've done pet peeves before- and yet it's not there.

Someone's fucking with my head.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 2 May 2008, 14:40, 3 replies)

snakeskin boots
I want some
(Multi-Coloured Pop Shop "twat with a ukulele", Fri 2 May 2008, 14:38, Reply)

nose whistleing
i fooking hate it when people insist on breathing through there noses when its making a whistling noise, during my gcse exams i was forced to sit next to someone with such a problem for over 6 exams that totaled up to nearly 18 hours thats 64800 seconds of nasal squeaking, my the end of it all it was like alan carr laughing directly in to my ear canals every second, i was not amused, and due to strict exam rules i was powerless. i really really really hate it, anyone who does it should get there nose fixed with a black & decker drill
(Spandexual, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:37, Reply)

Sting, Bono, McCartney
...and all the other smug fucking cunts who fly in on a private plane wearing a suit worth more than a year of my salary to try to make me feel guilty about world poverty or the environment.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:36, 1 reply)

Jeremy Clarkson
Not really through him being the oafish shepherd of a particularly British idiot sheep, but for having a head that is scarily reminiscent of a genital infection I had in the early nineties which necessitated a shaved patch in my pubic garden to apply cream....

Its cleared up now, ladies.
(trumplefahrt, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:35, 1 reply)

Righto, chums
I'm sure these (or at least some of them) have already been done, but whilst these are my gripes I make no claim for exclusivity.

1. People who queue up in, say, supermarkets for considerable lengths of time but are then surprised upon completion of their transaction when it turns out, strangely, that their purse (sorry, it's rarely a wallet) is required. A purse invariably kept right at the bottom of a capacious and poorly-ordered bag. You've stood in the queue for ten minutes - why haven't you thought about how you're going to pay for your shopping, you cretin?

2. Dismal English. The 'Oh, what's the fuss, I know what they're trying to say' brigade are just plain wrong. You would struggle to believe some of the pidgin English CVs I've been sent. Don't get me started on it's/its, lose/loose etc...

3. Sport. Really it's not sport itself that rankles, but the disproportionate amount of time and money the world wastes on what is really just some people playing a fucking game.
Actually I also get annoyed by people who seem to think they are members of a sporting team simply because they support them. 'We won three nil last night'. Really - you seem to be a 20-stone halfwit in a pub - which position do you play?

4. Other people. The idiots.

5. Ken Livingstone's speaking voice. I don't give two hoots about his policies - it's the continual whiny references to 'what Lahndaners want' that get my goat (do please check out my bandwagonning goat reference there, I'm hip, kids!).

6. David Walliams. The fictional moniker 'Walliams' really makes my flesh creep. And he's a turd.

7. Spastics. Actually I just threw that in for a soupcon of controversy. Some of my best friends are - actually, all my friends are spastics, spazmoes and/or Deacons.

*EDIT* this is probably the first of many posts in the QOTW, I'm afraid. Getting frustrated by the idiocies of modern life seems to be something of a hobby of mine.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:33, 6 replies)

Christ, where do I start...
In no particular order:

* Saturday night telly. For fucksake. X Factor. Fame Academy. Britain's Got Talent. Ice Dancing Pish. Nancy. The Sound of Music. Joseph. Christ on a bike. And all of the contestants have been 'on a journey'. I'd send you on a journey right enough - to the bottom of the friggin sea you vacant, self-important little twats.

* Celebrities. Not proper celebrities, but people who are just famous for being famous. That fat bint from big brother. Jordan and that pretentious, satsuma-faced goon of a husband. Pete Docherty. Plus many more.

* Home made tattoos on people serving food in our canteen. Including spelling mistakes. Eeek.

* Amateur hillwalkers, particularly of the home counties variety. The ones that come up to Scotland walking for the weekend, during a blizzard, wearing a cagoule and a pair of flip-flops. Surprisingly they get lost, and the RAF have to despatch 3 mountain rescue teams, a helicopter, and a Nimrod to find the twunt. Let the fucker die on the slopes.

* Football pundits, and their crap banter. "Yes, but city can't compete in the transfer market with your Real Madrids and your Barcelonas." You what? There's only one of each you prick!

* Tim Westwood on Radio 1. Have a word with yourself you twat. What pish is that you're talking?

* Fat girls in the summer time wearing very little clothing. Surely the Taste and Decency Police should plan a pre-emptive cull in Springtime?

* Tiny coffee cups that you can't get your frigging finger through the handle of.

* Noisy eaters. Kill them all. Nuff said.

* Poor manners. Usually more from the oldies than the youngies, bizarrely. But it's the baffled old buggers who whine about the manners of the young.

* BBC Radio 1 News trying to hard to 'get wid da yoof'. "The Bank of England have fired 50 billion quid into the economy...." and other such patronising pish.

* Small women driving enormous 4x4s. It just doesn't work. They can't tell where they're frigging going for Christ sake.

* Lorries on dual carriageways who insist on overtaking other lorries by doing precisely 1mph more than the other vehicle. Consequently it takes them half a bloody hour to get past them, leaving a 5 mile tailback behind them. Aaargh.

* The phone ringing just as my buttocks have made contact with the couch. Usually just as the footie kicks off.

Christ, I'm out of breath. I'm off for a lie down. I've just ruined my own weekend....
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 2 May 2008, 14:30, 3 replies)

Peter Fucking Kay (and the people that endlessly, endlessly quote him)
It really, really irks me why people pay large amounts of money to watch a "friendly"* normal lad stand on stage and tell us stuff we already know about the 1980s, our mums, t'internet, putting the big fucking light on, how it's fucking spitting and garlic fucking bread. What makes it worse is when fuckwits, cunts and bastards stand there cackling, quoting him at every opportunity. I love watching standup comedy, but can't stand lazy, unimaginative "eh? remember this?" comedy.

* Friendly, my stinking arse. A mate of mine lived across the road from him in Bolton (Croston St) in the 90s, and he was a miserable bastard that never spoke to anyone. He was also known for being a complete dick to other stand-up comedians who were starting out at the same time he was. He trod on a lot of peoples' toes to get to the top. Thankfully the smug-grinning beer-advertising (yet teetotal) twannock seems to have garnered a lot of criticism for recycling his own material several times. Let's hope his popularity falls faster than house prices.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:30, 2 replies)

Piston Broke
Is a twat
(conzo21, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:27, 19 replies)

Camouflage pants
Yesterday I bought some of those camouflage pants with loads of pockets in them from Asda.

Today I'm wearing them. I've lost track of the number of people who've said to me:

"Oh! Didn't see you there! Ha! ha!"

It's an old, unfunny joke, you TWATS.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:24, 1 reply)

I started to think, we have
all these expectations on women to wear makeup, shave armpits, remove facial hair and so on. And though most of the expectation comes from women and the images of women in the media, a lot of men seem to think it's to be expected too. But should I, as a man, trim my pubic hair? Or my chest hair? Or do ladies like chest hair? And moisturiser... should I have soft, forgiving skin on my hands, or do thick working men's hands do it for ladies? Just because someone is well spoken doesn't mean they vote conservative. Though if they sound exactly like Boris and have ginger hair, the odds are definitely well stacked. Which is worth more, a straight flush or four of a kind? And does it depend on what variety of poker you're playing? And why don't more young people play bridge? It's a very mentally challenging game yet we seem to leave it until we're senile to learn to play it. Global warming? Personally I think it's colder this May than it was last year, but last year I was in Australia, so it doesn't count. Is this thing on? One. Two. Onetwo.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:23, Reply)