A top decker
On leaving a shared house you might like to do a 'top decker' - dumping in the cistern so that the bog stinks when flushed for many many days.
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Wed 4 May 2005, 17:21, Reply)

Two little stories from my childhood
1. My brother once had chips. I wanted them. I forcibly salted them. He didn't like salt. He cried. Mummy told me off. I then tried to make it better by pouring pepper on the chips to cancel out the salt (I thought they were opposites, like yin and yang, ant and dec). I didn't like pepper. I failed. No one got chips.

2. In a car, back from a fair. Neighbour has a bar of soap. I'm crying because I had nothing. Naturally, I take a bite out of it. I can still taste it to this day.
( johnsto, Wed 4 May 2005, 17:15, Reply)

He pissed me off no end
Used to live in a shared hotel staff house about 10 years ago. The Bar Manager used to like to play hard core drum and base on his souped up stereo at 4am at max volume. Not good when your on the early shift a 6.30am. He got a bit miffed when I swopped his CD to Carmina Burania (the Old Spice Ad) and set his stereo alarm for 7am ( Max Vol).
Serves him, the twunt.
(PK Nuts, Wed 4 May 2005, 17:11, Reply)

Lord Manley...
I'm sure there are far worse people in the world than myself. And I feel I have been just in everything I do.

Another few, so this isn't a waste;

1) Living in shared accomodation is always gonna present it's problems, and although I never suffered from nicked food and the such, the lad that had the room above me used to like to listen to his music in the early hours of the morning, which would have been fine if he didn't have subs on his system. I found a great way to limit the volume he could get them to was to bridge the speaker termainals with resistors, so that when he turned it up too far the amp would trip due to short protection. It took him weeks to discover why the bass would suddenly cut out.

2) Logging into the managed switches at college and changing all the bandwidth policies because the techies were tits.

3) Installing linux onto all the computers in a room at college for the same reason as above.

4) Discovering the main techie's obsession with Xena warrior princess, and thus discovering his password. I created a few new users with admin priveliges, and then banned all the normal admins. The college had to get Novell support in to fix it.

5) Jamming the power supply fan of half the machines at an old job because they decided to make me redundant.

6) Changing the startup logos and other pre-logon graphics on a load of college machines.
( cuntmuffin, Wed 4 May 2005, 17:04, Reply)

Standard reply #47
I wanked into my mum's headphones when she told me the ICe cream man had run out of bollock bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:58, Reply)

Keys and CDs.
My friend pissed me off after lending me a fairly crappy game. I put a key to it and scratched it up. Then, without actually knowing I had scratched it, he said I could keep the disc. I now have a scratched copy of star wars: the phantom menace.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Wed 4 May 2005, 16:58, Reply)

I am a Dirty Monk
While at college I used to work for a well known chemists. I'd been working there for nearly 2 years and the bastards made me redundant just before Xmas. As I was not entitled to a redundancy pay out I embezzled and skimmed there Xmas takings over a course of a couple of days to the tune of 1200 squids. On my last day I nicked a box of Viagra from the pharmacy and spent the cash on a couple of high class escorts. Much seasonal merriment ensued.
(TwoLeftFlipFlops, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:54, Reply)

Apple Juice
ask yer victim if they want apple juice and then piss in the glass and mix it with apple juice.

heh
(clarkson4sheephahaha, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:53, Reply)

Workmate...
...decided to get a little payback on the normal office prankster - By advertising in Loot for a dozen kittens for sale with the pranksters phone number for contact.
Prankster had to endure calls for 3weeks, each time explaining that he didn't have any kittens for sale. In the end, he just gave up and said he'd sold them all on.

A month later he started getting calls from members of the public about puppies.....
( -:Coop:-, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:51, Reply)

Technics
Remember Lego Technic? My brother had loads of it, all carefully constructed, took him hours, all these motorbikes, buggies and whatever else. He p*ssed me off one day, so I smashed it all.

Petty? Certainly.
Regrettable? Nooooooooooooo...
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:45, Reply)

Music Shop Fun
I used to work in a crappy music shop, where the boss was a twunt with bad dandruff, anyhoo, all of the cds and dvds had plastic security devices (called safers) on them to stop the dirty theives that were so reif in the shithole of a city, me and a collegue used to break the security things and hide them around the shop for the boss to find, he'd have a total eppy thinking that £500 worth of stuff was going missing everyday without the security cameras picking it up. we liked to call it operation safer monkey.

he deserved it. i think he was a paedo and he wouldnt give me staff discount
(monstermunchqueen a queen for the people, by the people, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:44, Reply)

Maybe not petty...
but grass seeds, carpets and water make a great combination if you want to guarantee someone has to replace the whole damn thing. The kipper in the attic and the milk left behing the radiator in the cellar definitely helped create an atmosphere too...

Also at uni when people were writing essays it was always amusing to replace a random word with another, although more amusing to pick an uncommon word so they would hand it in without noticing.
(I_AM_MY_EVIL_TWIN_SELF, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:38, Reply)

Service Station Tills
Whilst young and stupid my friend and I would amuse ourselves on the ancient tills we used at a certain BP Service Station.

We quickly discovered how to change the names of any product, having been given the access key by a painfully naive manager (who never made the same mistake again).

We renamed loads of everyday items, sniggering as they flashed up on the tillpoint in front of bemused customers.

Looking back, they weren't all that funny, but a few I remember converting are:

Beef and Onion Crisps - "Bunions"
Salted Peanuts - "Salty Nuts"
Sanitary Towels - "Jam Rags" (please forgive me)
Cigarettes - "Bifters"
...and my personal favourite...
Milk - "Cow Juice"

And that loud pop you hear is the destruction of my b3ta virginity.
(.click, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:38, Reply)

I am leaving work om Fri
I work in a crappy office for b3stards who want me to give them a cheque on my last day for a days holiday pay they say I owe them. Any ideas would be appreciated on how:

a)Not to pay them
b)Sabotage them for being greedy bastards despite being an international and very wealthy company.
(It's Grim Up North, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Emmathegirl
www.b3ta.com/questions/revenge/post9691/
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:23, Reply)

Real life B3TAing
I worked at boots the chemist before I went to university, many moons ago............. I would regularly get pissed/stoned at work, and because I was a self stacker/ stock blokey I worked on my own in the evening no-one ever knew how off my face I was.

Once I was making a display with cute little teddies that held letters, you know the ones. The next day I went in to collect my wages and my supervisor turned round jokingly and said
'I saw that display, naughty boy, don't worry I've changed it'

My memory slowly coming back I went down stairs to see the following display

A * S * T * A R * D * B

Which was funny enough in itself, except they hadn't even noticed the lower shelf reading.

W * E * T * C * U * N * T

The display was left all weekend for all the boring conservative Cheltonian folk to see.

I love booze, it's so inspiring
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Ahh, PC Hijacking
My previous job had a great crowd of people on the work floor (the programmers and testers), toilet humour a plenty and counterstrike matches at lunchtime, but it also meant you couldn't leave your pc alone for 2 mins without locking it.

Most memorable was the time the only girl in the department left hers unattended for 3 minutes, and everyone else on the floor received the following email:

"Hi everyone, I just thought you'd like to know that me and my boyfriend tried anal sex for the first time last night. I quite liked it, but he said it made his arse hurt."
( Weetobix, Wed 4 May 2005, 16:07, Reply)

At my last place...
There was a phone shortage, and I ended up with a "spare" phone handset (keypad on the actual handset), so I put it on new starters desk (and wrapped the end of the cord around the desk leg). Was quite amusing watching them fiddle with it trying to get it to work...


At my new job, there's a strict policy of locking your computer when away from your desk (brilliant! I always got moaned at for doing that at my last place). Anyway, one of the team leaders (Liverpudilian) wandered off without locking his desktop. Now with the security settings on these PCs, you can't actually get into the "Display" menu, but you can right-click, set as wallpaper. So I set up his desktop with a giant Everton badge and spent the next 10 minutes watching him try to get rid of it :)


EDIT: Turns out you can't use the little pointy brackety things in these posts (Shift + .)
( brooza wonders how long a sig can be and if this will fit, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:55, Reply)

Never Piss Off A Techie
I worked as a contractor for an insurance company in Croydon where I fell out, big style, with the desktop engineers team leader. A write twunt he was. Basically, he was trying to make his engineers wear ties to work and me, from my lofty position in the Server-Lan team, was dissing his efforts via e-mail and telling his team that the company dress code specifically said that they didn't have to wear ties if they didn't want to. Eventually had to show this team leader the relevant section of the company hand book before he'd back down. And he wasn't happy.

So, a few weeks later I sent an e-mail around of Clinton with his mouth morphed into and arse-hole and put the caption "I Told You He Talked Shit" into it and sent it to all of the techies - both Server-Lan team and Desktop. Well my enemy was on the mailing list and he of course received a copy. Little shit went straight to Human Resources and demanded I was sacked for sending inappropriate e-mails. As it turned out,the project I was involved in was so critical to the company that I was virtually bullet-proof so no harm was done other than a slap on the wrist but this meant war. And so the campaign began.

At this company it was traditional to assign insulting nick-names to everyone - my self included. As examples here's a few of the old team.

The Nose, Wop - Cockney/Italian network engineer.
Fat-Boy, Cake-boy - my boss
Dances-With-Voles - a rather short engineer.
Swamprat - me, as I lived up North I must live in a swamp.

Now this was all part of the culture in this company. We insulted each other constantly and took the piss out of everything imaginable. You needed a thick skin to work there but it was all done in fun.

So now it was time to assign a nickname to the new team leader. And it was Bungle. (From Rainbow) And then the campaign started. Overnight I uploaded the theme tune to Rainbow to every machine in the company and set it as the Windows start-up sound. From 8:00am onwards Bungle was assailed with "Up Above The Streets And Houses" warbling from dozens of PC speakers all day, everyday. Most of the users caught on that he hated his new nickname and really hated that music so they'd wait until he entered their work area and click on the wav and watch him start to twitch.

Next was uploading various random Rainbow screen savers to the companies PCs - especially the desktop team. As I controlled the policies of the domain he couldn't even remove them. This low-level harassment went on for a few weeks and the name Bungle was permanently associated with this hapless twat. The breaking point for him was when the IT Director himself started to refer to him as Bungle. That's when the psoriasis started. Itchy,puffy,red,cracking skin all over the backs of his hands. So, he started to wear black leather gloves to work and phase two started.... He was now THE HOODED CLAW!!!

We started to wear black fedora hats and bandanas in the server room and would leap out from behind racks in the server room at him and cackle madly.... After a while he stopped coming in. Then I uploaded wavs of Penelope Pit-Stop's "Help! Help little old me!" and Muttleys sniggering laugh to users machines and the users were clicking on them every time they saw him and he finally cracked. Nervous break-down and off on long-term sick for the rest of my time there. And I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty, only a warm contented feeling of a job well done...

That'll teach the bastard to try and get me sacked....


I remain, as usual,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:47, Reply)

hehe
If someone really annoys me, I like to make them a sneeze sandwich :-) Usually my sister is the victim of this. I also enjoy hacking into her account and making her a background screen to involve a lovely graphic picture, and changing her screensaver to insults, and setting it so it comes on every minute.
(mrmistoffeles, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:40, Reply)

Confessions of a shop assistant
I worked at Argos for a couple of years whilst at college.

0ne Christmas I and another bored co-worker removed all the 'Magna Doodles' (like an etch-a-sketch) from their boxes in the stock room, drew crude yet surprisingly graphic representations of male genitalia on them all, then boxed them up again ready to be opened by unsuspecting kids on Christmas morning. I would have paid to have seen the parents' faces.

When I finally left I sellotaped a frozen kipper to the underside of the boss's desk - excellent time delayed stink bomb. I had an angry phonecall from them two weeks later after they'd got Rentokil in and they'd found the offending article.
( propellerhed, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:39, Reply)

School+Teacher=
Our maths teacher died mid year (not due to our sabotage - he was really old) and we were given Mrs Dxxxxx as our supply teacher... She was rubbish and we took many opportunities to sabotage the class, which ranged from shouting "crap teacher" at intervals and flicking ink and gob at her.. this was intended to cause a nervous breakdown you see...

The ultimate was when a friend recorded 10 minutes silence on the front of a computer cassette, and then placed it in the cassette player for the BBC's at the back of the room, with the volume on max... his cunning plan worked and she ran to the back of the room ten minutes in to the lesson due to the unearthly screams and squeels that were eminating from the back of the room... she ran from the room and returned with the head of maths (we had turned the cassette off in her absence) who unplugged and removed said damaged BBC computer for repair... we think they sussed this as a couple of days later we were lectured on our behaviour, or that could have been cos my brother also had her for maths and used to sit under the desk with his walkman on when he hadnt done his homework so she thought he wasnt there
(mrpaulo shaving the world, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:33, Reply)

Spanna
Not really wanting to reply in the QOTW, but you're a bit of a cunt, aren't you?
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:32, Reply)

Done quite a few...
1) I loosened the sump plug on a Nova at college to almost open because the twunt had driven into my car the day before due to driving like a cunt. He smashed my back bumper.

Imagine my delight as he wheelspun out of the college carpark, firing the sump plug out, along with all the oil in the engine. He didn't make it out of college before the engine ceased.

2) Replacing the wiper blades on my next door neighbour's car with wire coathangers, sharpened off on the side that touches the windscreen, because the twat kept paring on my drive. He had to get the windscreen (and wipers) replaced. I wish I had been there to hear the noise.

3) Stuffing fireworks into the backbox of a chav's car who tried to shag my sister. He's never been back to see her, and she still wonders where he went.

4) Swapping the voltage switch from 240V to 110V on my sister's old AT power supplied computer, just because I felt like it. Cue her pressing the switch and then screaming at the top of her voice as the base unit goes BANG!

5) Overinflating my dad's pushbike tyres so they'd burst when he hit bumps. He aparently came off it at quite a speed and thus ended up in hospital. Oops.

6) Setting up a mate's hifi to turn on and play an inserted tape of white noise at full volume at 4:30AM Sunday. Just for the laugh.

There's more, but this is enough now.

Apologies for length.
( cuntmuffin, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:20, Reply)

a complete asshat of a caller I had once
abused me for everything from my name to my age to my 'obvious lack of intelligence' for working in a call centre, when all he needed (and wouldn't listen when I told him) was a password reset.

So I kept a note of his details, because I knew that tech support for his account was moving to "those bloody fucking Indians" as he called them, and periodically went back and changed his password now and again.

Petty, but satisfying.
( watashi-wa Evenin'!, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:16, Reply)

fax poo
not so effective with these single sheet fax machines but if you know someone with the roll ones-draw a poo on two sheets of a4 going lengthways so they join top and bottom.sellotape bottom of sheet 1 to top of sheet 2 wait till dead of night send the fax poos and quickly sellotape top of sheet 1 to bottom of sheet 2 as it goes through so it loops, leave fax going indefinately.
(jimpugh, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:12, Reply)

Leaving school.
Many years ago, I went to a boarding school. Having finished our GCSE's, a few friends and myself devised the ultimate leaving prank to extract our revenge on the school chaplain, who was also one of the housemasters. For the combined boredom of every single preachy sermon he gave us, we gave him a plague of locusts.

I went down to Pet City on my bike, purchased £30's worth of the aforementioned reptile-fodder and later that evening one of my partners in crime let them loose in the chaplain's flat, via a door he for some reason never locked.

I'd love to say it was total carnage, but to be honest, none of us really know. He was very late for breakfast the next day though. :) I like to think the locusts' descendants are still in the flat, munching his pot-plants to this day.
( VeryGnawty, Wed 4 May 2005, 15:05, Reply)

A friend and I got a few 'electric matches'
(they type used to ignite fireworks electronically) and wired them to a friend's headlights. These ignited dual Roman candles (pointing forward) we had taped under his car via about 5 seconds of dynamite fuse.

Unfortunately, we didn't get the opportunity to witness the prank, but he told us how startled he was pulling out of his driveway the next night to have dual fireballs periodically shooting from the front of his car.
( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Wed 4 May 2005, 15:03, Reply)

I once pissed in a hotel ice machine.

( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Wed 4 May 2005, 14:52, Reply)

We once gathered the 'holes'
from many office hole punchers until we had a good handfull, and carefully put them in a friend's dashboard heater vents in his car on a cold winter day and turned the blower on high.

Hillarity ensued when he turned the heater on, and it blew the little disks all over his car.
( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Wed 4 May 2005, 14:50, Reply)