Big Things In Water
I don't generally suffer from any phobias, laugh at heights, spiders, snakes and so on and have spent many years cultivating my tough guy image but I do have one odd fear...

I can't abide buoys. Now, let's be clear, this is bUoys, not boys or men in general. It's something to do with the big rusty chain stretching down into the depths that just gives me the shudders something terrible. I thought for a while it was all big or man-made objects in water but I don't have any problems with boats or locks or weirs, it's just buoys and buoy like things.

It just seems wrong somehow. Boats are fine, they're floating but a buoy is fixed into this enormous expanse of water and it has no right to be.

Jon
(shellgrip, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:43, 1 reply)

The Count off Sesame Street
Used to freak me right out. Also, it was only in my late twenties that I made the connection between him doing all that numbers stuff and being called "The Count". I'm not the sharpest tool in the box me.
(slink, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:39, 5 replies)

Anything with claws and an exoskeleton.

Yes -- that may seem a bit specific but it's truth. Mostly Ocean Crabs really -- I don't even like stuffed animal crabs or ceramic crabs - and I live in Maryland, a state known for Maryland Chesapeake Blue Crabs - and a crab is on our state sign for christ sake...

It goes back to childhood I think -- my parents tried to cook a batch in boiling water and forgot to weigh down the lid of the pot. Result? -- about a dozen of really pissed off crabs running about the kitchen. I was about 5 years old. Then at around age 9 I was bitten by one in the ocean. Then around 12 my father brought home whole steamed crabs in a paper bag and told me he had a present for me - but I wasn't allowed to look and had to reach in pull it out. I screamed like a little girl.

I hate crabs.
(xianstudio, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:36, 1 reply)

My ex was afraid of sweetcorn.
I'm not a fan of it myself, but she HATED it. Anything that had sweetcorn in it had to go, no exceptions.

It was so bad that, while cuddled up on the couch once, I was playing with her hair, being all romantic and stuff, when I started lightly tapping on her head with my fingertips and whispered 'sweeeeeeet cooooooorn.....'

She leapt off the couch and did that clawing-at-yourself thing that people covered in insects do.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:31, 3 replies)

A favourite threat
Jeff, if you don't shut up I'm going to hire you a clown.
(teebie jeebie, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:30, Reply)

Moths
I hate the things. It all started on holiday in France when I was 14 years old. Having left the bedroom window open all day and into the evening, with the light on (BIG mistake) there was quite a party going on in my lightshade when it came to going to bed. Now, at this point I had no phobia, so I hop into bed, turn off the light, no worries. And then the moth party decided a much better hangout would be around my head, or more specifically, somewhere in the vicinity of my ears [i am getting serious goosebumps just writing this].
So it's dark, there's a 'swoosh' and suddenly I have what feels like a hundred moths attempting to GET INTO MY BRAIN!! I leap out of bed to turn the light back on, see there's about two moths now pootling back towards the pretty light, and feebly call next door to my friend to save me from this hell. He did, and then had to do the same thing every night for the rest of the holiday . And 10 years later, reader, I married him.

I'm still terrified of them. So much so that I was in the shower the other day and as I was washing the shampoo out of my hair I spotted one lurking near the ceiling. I had shampoo dripping down my face and knew that I'd have to put my head under the shower and close my eyes for a moment. Not something I wanted to do. If I am in a room with a moth I can cope for a short while- but only as long as I know exactly where it is. But faced with no choice, I did it. And when I opened my eyes a second later, it was gone! It then flew out of a fold in the shower curtain, heading straight for me, I jumped out my skin and almost fell over, thumping my heel onto the wet bath, slipping, and teetering backwards. I managed to regain control and open the window, then crouched in the bath until it went out. Took about half an hour for my heart to slow down! Everyone always laughs at this phobia but for me it's real and it is no joke when I say that they 'go for my ears'. The phobia is spreading as well, I get really funny about anything near my ears now. Who knows where it will end, maybe I'll end up having to shave my head because I can't stand the hair over them?? uurgghh!! i feel really horrible now having written this...

be kind, first post! *pop*

EDIT: oddly, I'm not remotely bothered by butterflies.
(Moniker1, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:18, 2 replies)

My mates 3 year old son
started screaming "NO DADDY NO! NO DADDY NO!" in the exact same voice as Damien at the end of the excorcist.

That REALLY freaked me out. Gave me the fear.

He didn't want to go to bed, by the way, he wasn't being attacked by Gregory Peck.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:13, 2 replies)

My QOTW phobia
I'm afraid that I may post a long and thought out post while everyone's off to lunch, only for it to have been flooded out the bottom of the 'latest' section by the time everyone's come back from lunch.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:12, Reply)

Waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare..
..Oh right, that was Loaded Weapon :P

I dont really have Phobias, just a long list of things I dont like:

1) Drowning. Dont mind swimming, and I quite enjoy swimming under water, but loosing my breath really freaks me out.

2) Spiders moving. I can look and admire spiders all day long, but as soon as they move it creeps me out. Reminds me of Alien I guess :P

3) Hights: I can go up tall building and be fine, but when I look over at the long drop I seem to have to fight back weird urges to jump off!?

I know my gf has a phobia with 'melty people' as she calls them, so Robocop is completely out of the question. Another friend of mine is scared of, Dinosaurs!! Jurrasic park is like his hell! :P

P.S: On the whole surgey & needles thing, I have a few stats that make my male friends cringe:

I smashed my kidney when I was 14 (about 12 years ago) which so far has resulted in:

1 * right piloplasty (sp?) (Major kidney surgery)
2 * right PCNL (Keyhole surgery to remove kidney stones)
3 * cameras (not braging, but it was about 2 foot long as about as thick as a pencil!) [right down the japs eye, fully awake]
5+ catheters (pee tube into the bladder) [under on the way in, awake on the way out]
Countless injections, tests, pee tests, needles & jabbing, most of involving or in the general area of my little friend.

I've also endured the 'coffee sturer' STI test where a few plastic instruments were jabbed right into the japs eye.

So in summary I have probably had more things DOWN my dick than I have had ON it (which is a depressing statistic by itself) and its a miracle that I have any feeling left in the old chap.

I'll go now..
(ldwater otherwise known as a 'jive turkey', Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:11, Reply)

sudden tourettes
the grammar badger reminded me of this.

i often worry that i'll shout something inappropriate, loudly in large groups of people. I used to worry at school i might shout out something stupid or offensive in class - put it down to just being a nipper. however i went to a funeral a while back - quite a big affair, loads of oldies there - probably gloating.

i had gone into that almost trance-like state you get when you're in a large group all listening to one person speak - in this case the priest.
my mind wanderd to imagine if someone suddenly shouted out...

"fuck him - he was a cunt anyway"

i imagined the consternation it would cause, i could picture everyone looking at me in disgust, muttering contemptuous things. being asked to leave.

then i started to worry I might actually blurt it out.

became quite stressfull.

didnt though


that time!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:06, 4 replies)

I give people Teh Fear.
Not intentionally, mind you. And not in the ways one would expect.

I give people Teh Fear when I walk up behind them.

Honestly, I don't know what it is. I try to make noise as I walk, and don't creep up on them- I just walk up normally and say something in my normal, fairly soft conversational tone.

And they jump through the ceiling.

I've had people threaten to tie bells on my shoes so they know when I'm approaching...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:01, 31 replies)

Gay people
I'm not homophobic in that sense.
I can get along with a homo of any sort and have some friend who are that way inclined.

I am not even afraid of them being attracted to me... even though I am a sexy beats, rargh!!

what I worry about is that they will start talking about bum related sex or butsecks related problems in my presence.

I dry heave just thinking about it.... *shudder*
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:56, 8 replies)

People think I'm following them...
... You know the feeling. When you're walking along a path, on your way to the shop or something. Someone in front of you is walking the exact same route.
Always a fear in the back of my mind that they think I'm following them. To the point where I'll try anything to overtake them, walk a different way etc.


I hate that feeling.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:53, 4 replies)

Needles
Well injections, and surgery. I dont have a problem with blood or guts or gore, I've worked as an animal technician in a pharmacautical lab and seen some wierd ass sights (rats a-poppin!) but as soon as its something deliberate then I'm fucked.

So yeah injections/needles and surgery, stuff going into eyes and spiders.

So naturally last april fools, my borhter decides to dress up as this wierd ass spider/surgeon thing and jump out from behind a door waving needles at my face.

Ever seen a six foot four man scream, wave his arms around, spin around, headbut a wall so hard he passes out and soil himself (and not in that order)

Well my brother did...

_Twice
(big king bob Lord of the Ska, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:53, Reply)

the odd couple
regular B3tards may have built up a picture of Mrs Spimf and I being a little odd. Further to my needle fear admissons (below) i feel it only fair to point out some of Mrs Spimfs irrational fears. heres just the ones i can think of...

• buttons - cant look at, touch or even say the word

• people wearing bandages, elastoplasts or plaster casts (when she broke her foot she had to insist on one off them new fangled ski boot things but even then she could touch it)

• needles, thread or anything you might find in a sewing box

• dirty boots or wellies (i have to take them off for her)

• moths

• old people

• hair - she has beautiful long wavy hair - cant handle her own detached hairs though

• 'dangly things' this was explained as 'if you have some food and there is a smaller piece dangling from it by a little thready bit - cant eat it'

• dirt under her nails

• dawers or cupboards that have clutter in them, pens, batteries, keys etc

• shes loves meat but cant handle any sinew or connective tissue - i have to cut it off for her

• fungus - freak out time

• copper coins - cant touch them

• wigs - feels sick

daft bint
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:49, Reply)

Wasps.
When I was but a nipper, I developed a fear of bees and wasps. As I grew up, it became mainly focused on wasps, which as everyone knows, are evil.

It became much less severe after I was finally stung, but I'm still left with a nervous reaction..... anything buzzing near me unexpectedly will cause me to flail about like a mong.

As I've previously said, I used to work in a sweet factory and during the summer it was infested with the things. They swarmed around the place, and many were slain by my big heat resistant gloves. One, however, took revenge upon me in a rather amusing fashion......

One day, I had made some fudge and was about to pour it. Now, this involved the fudge being poured into a large semi-spherical stainless steel pot, which I and my boss then carried to a long flat table where it was poured and levelled..... one of us would hold the pot while it was scraped out and the other would go back and refill a second pot.... all very efficient. It might also be relevant to say I had a massive fancy for the girl doing the scraping.

So there I am. Holding this big pot with both hands, gazing longingly at the lovely lady when, from stage right, our villain appears. A wasp. It was like slow motion, I felt it's little legs curl around the top of my ear as I suddenly heard the loud buzzing. Fear shot through me like a lightning bolt as without thinking I instinctively tried to swat it away......

BOOONNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!

Forehead met roasting hot pot. I tried to pass off my beaming red face as burns but no-one bought it.

Wasps. I hate 'em.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:47, Reply)

Half hulk
My wife completely freaks out whenever half-arsed sports presenter John Inverdale appears onscreen and pleads/screams for me to turn him off which is a bit of a bugger cos i like watching strongman competitions although there is something odd about him.

She claims that he looks like he is the halfway transformation between David Banner and the hulk from the 70s series.
(Harold's hip man!!, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:45, Reply)

Knuckle Crackers
People that do that just freak me out, I start squirming and I'm almost prepared to do anything to stop it (almost to the point of violence) - I hate it!
I think i have a few 'joint related' phobias..


Oh yeah, and SPOONS. (Not really, I'm just reminded of that great 'Big Train' sketch..)
(Phlash, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:42, 2 replies)

Oh yeah, and the KKK
My mum bought a Q&A book for me when I was younger and it had a section on the KKK with a creepy, black and white, picture which, along with the description, scared the bejesus out of me.
( Joliet, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:39, Reply)

Weight Watchers
I don't know whether I'm scared of it or just the fact that handing over nearly £6 per week for someone to weigh you and tell you you're a fatty offends every fibre of my being.

You even have to pay for the weeks you don't go! What the fuck is that about?!
( Joliet, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:36, Reply)

cotton wool
i don't know why, and i have actually met other people with the same problem, but i HATE cotton wool
handling it in any way or even watching people handling it, especially pulling it apart, gives me the shivers like nails down a blackboard
in fact, i'm getting them just thinking about it
even weirder, i don't mind it at all when it's wet, it's just the dry stuff that i can't stand
( charlie?, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:29, 2 replies)

Feet. Sort of.
What is it with women and feet? Almost every woman I know, and I think every woman I've ever been involved with enough to get naked with, is repelled by feet. The nights I've spent hearing "Urgh! Your foot just touched mine!"...

The thing is, I've seen enough of the Web to know that there are a lot of guys who are really into feet in a kinky way. Poor bastards. What chance do these guys have of finding someone who's going to go along with their fetish? As far as I can see, they'd have more luck finding someone to help out if they were into badger frottage.

So I repeat: why are women scared of feet? Enquiring (male) minds want to know!
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:28, 7 replies)

I can reduce a friend
To a ball of whimpering torment by putting a jumper sleeve between my front teeth and grinding it so it squeaks.

He does the same to me by moving things around in the freezer (anything, it's that noise of ic....*shudder* I can't even think of it without feeling sick)
(Rimfeast, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:23, Reply)

The thought of wearing...
black socks while having sex.

*shudder*
(Mr G to you , Fathead, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:20, Reply)

in 1972 an ice cave was found with an entire mummifed family in it
in 1985ish they had a sunday times colour suppliment with huge pictures of flash frozen babies with no eyes. scared the crap out of my 5 year old self. not really a phobia, but it scares me even now so perhaps i have a phobia of freeze dried eskimo babies. maybe it's the black eye holes as the drunken scene in dumbo made me vomit in fear when i saw that aged 4 or 5.


( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:16, 1 reply)

Not one of mine...
But I know a gentleman who freaks out if his feet get wet while his shoes and socks are on.

He's fine getting his naked feet wet though.
He once spent an entire day at work barefoot as he stood in a puddle getting out of the car in the morning.

I was reminded of this because we had an epic halestorm this lunchtime, and I discovered my right shoe isn't waterproof on the bottom.
So I've got a couple of hours to spend with a wet foot/shoe/sock combo now.
( Cawl, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:14, Reply)

Needles - reminded by Humpty
I can usually sit there quite happy while a nurse pokes something sharp into me and ask her for a sweetie once she's done but it's fair to say that this isn't my natural response. I hate needles.

Why?

Aged five, my ever neurotic mother sent me to the doctors for some very embarrassing trouser dropping, willy out in front of everyone type proddy examinations.

My grasp of medical terminology at that age wasn't much advanced beyond "hurts", "plaster" and "bleeding", so I was unable to comprehend the meaning of the word "Hernia". I knew I had one because the doctor poked me hard in the lower abdomen and asked if it hurt. Cunt.

As it happened, the recently widowed rotund lady called Judy, who lived at the end of my road turned out to be a pediatric nurse. My mother explained I was going to hospital and that Judy would be looking after me. Now, Judy was a very gentle soul, with big friendly eyes and a great manner with children. Nothing to fear, hey?

Sure enough, I'm dropped off at the hospital whereupon I'm entrusted to Judy.

"I'm just going to give you a little prick" oh, how imaginative the responses to that statement I could conjure up today.

"I want you to pull down your pajama bottoms and bend over the bed" she cooed.

At this point I was expecting a kind of jab that you get if you prick the end of your finger with a pin. Hell no.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I cried.

Judy had seemingly rolled up her sleeve and taken a 100 yard run up before plunging a knitting needle into my right buttock in a manner akin to Fatima Whitbread doing her warmups.

That wasn't the end of it, oh no... Seemingly any excuse to stuff a large needle into my bottom was gleefully siezed by whatever medical professional was passing by my bed.

I ended up being strapped to a wheely bed thing while people in gowns stuffed needly plug type things into my wrist. Then everything went black and I woke up with sharp pain in my lowers which corresponded to the four inch slice in me just above my pelvis. Not a good day all round. To my five year old brain, someone had tried to cut my willy off and only just missed.

Fast forward 21 years...

Having sliced my hand washing up, ex-Mrs PJM drives me to casualty to have me sewn up. I cringe now, but I was very brave right up until the nervous doctor started to inject me with anaesthetic. I made him promise on his life that he would only put the bare minimum stitches in me.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:14, Reply)

I’m not scared of many things but..
Small holes in cheese. I have absolutely no idea why. No punch line, no joke, just small holes in cheese. Not big holes, the wee ones.
Please, somebody tell me it's ok. I do like cheese; I just can't eat the holes.
(Jeeves, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:13, 3 replies)