Me
I was just me - charming, witty and an all round nice guy.

Doesn't always work tho....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 6:46, Reply)

Sleep with me?
Never have trouble getting girls to sleep with me.

It's the having sex part I fail at.
(barrycounty, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 6:01, Reply)

Horse riding
for the love of a good woman...... Fuck all...nuff said.
(Carling in a Stella glass Sky high and six thousand miles away, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 5:02, Reply)

in a nightclub

this woman said she'd kiss me if I kissed her boyfriend. Which I then did.

I was surprised at how gross it was. I assumed it'd be more or less the same if I closed my eyes, men's tongues and lips being presumably basically the same as women's. But his face felt like a leather bag.

Then she reneged on the deal.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 4:02, Reply)

I Had To Think Twice
Meatloaf once propositioned me by asking if he could run his famous American cock up my anonymous British jacksie then give me a dirty sanchez me after he'd shot his filthy infected load up my bottom. I said "look meat, whilst I respect your music, I'd do anything for love but I wont do that".
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 1:30, Reply)

After 10 pints, 53% of men would prefer a kebab to sex.
Unless of course both are on the cards I imagine.

Hanging about outside the parade of kebab shops in the centre of Bristol I once met a man who said that I could go home with him if I lent him the extra 50p he needed to afford his kebab. I obliged, he let me have a bit of his meat, and I still like to think I'm fairly classy.

EDIT: If your credit rating is anything like mine lending someone 50p with no guarantee its return is pretty mad, especially when you realise the morning after that it wasn't actually a loan, but a sneaky ploy to get you into bed.
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Mon 16 Apr 2007, 1:03, Reply)

I made a flippant remark
and then a comment that made me seem like joe everyman that would get people to click the "I like this" button. Apeloverage and I have been together ever since.
(Dethro Jix I'm better than you and I probably hate you. Cunt., Mon 16 Apr 2007, 0:20, Reply)

What did I do?
Got married:(
(Bonedwarf is the size of a lemon, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 23:00, Reply)

Got stoned...
When in lived in Albany (New York state capital for those not in the know), I was friendly with this older woman. Now she knew i was single, and told me that that she had a friend who was a couple of years older than me (i was 28 at the time, she was 33). She sends her my number and we start talking. One of our phone conversations gets around to sex. She says, for me pot gets me very horny, and very high. I say, I've never done any illegal drugs. Well we decied after about a week of talking to meet. We go to a dive bar in a local city called Troy - its a dump believe me, and we decided to head to my place, she says, since you've never gotten high, would you want to try? I jumped at it, got stoned, and found it made me hornier than a horse put to stud. I was so busy with her, i called out of work sick, and spent the better part of the next day fucking like i was done for. A week later it happened again. That was my last time with any sort of drug, although, her and I were involved for a about a year, sex was pretty good too. We're no longer involved, but i do send a christmas card to her and her husband.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 22:43, Reply)

I kissed a fat, balding, ugly man.
Not that great a story really, but she was pretty and I'd fancied her for ages.
(geekboy Hillbilly., Sun 15 Apr 2007, 22:24, Reply)

I've never had to beg
Mrs Palm and her five daughters are always up for it.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 21:56, Reply)

I
Did her best mate....

(it's a jealousy thing)
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 21:21, Reply)

I have tried:
Being chivalrous
Being romantic
Being macho
Being incredibly cool and laid back
Being sensitive and attentive
Being a bastard
Stalking
Ignorance
Writing letters
Chatting online
Phone calls
E-mails
Talking openly and honestly
Lying
Dancing
Singing
Being who I am
Being the sort of person I hate
Romantic gestures
Fighting
Playing sports
Being nerdy
Being dim
Being intelligent
Arguing and being stubborn
Being weak and giving in
Letting the competition win
Meeting halfway
Pretended to be interested in the same things
Actually being interested in the same things
Begging
Being forceful
Being exactly who they want
Being exactly who they think they want

All of these things, though not all at the same time, obviously. With several women. I have still had no luck. I must be ugly.
( Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Sun 15 Apr 2007, 20:33, Reply)

not mad - but effective
A friend of mine claims to have the secret to bedding women. It's a paintbrush.

Not for painting a wall, but for water-colours. The kind with a .5 centimetre head of silky soft bristle. He uses it to paint women - actually paint on their skin. It works like this:

in a bar or wherever, he takes out his brush and says he's a painter. This garners mild interest and he gives them some spiel about painting the lines of a body. In fact, he's willing to demonstrate.

Ladies - you know when a man touches your neck with barely perceptible finger strokes? Or your wrist, or the inside of your elbow, or your collar bone? With a fine brush, that sensation is doubled. He begins with the wrist and the hands, and explains that the whole surface of the skin is criss-crossed with such lines of sensation, increasing in intensity the nearer you get to erogenous zones. Collar bones are electric, nipples are defibrilating, labia are a direct lightning strike. It's a persuasive pitch.

And once they've felt that delicate brush tracing patterns around their perineum and clitoris, around their buttocks and a-hole, their desire for cock is pretty much animalistic.

Genius.
(frankspencer, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 20:29, Reply)

She was a goth....
..As was i at the time some would say, Basicaly, i had tp put up with some general biting, stupid shit and a whip. It was never worth any of it. Thankfuly my mate ended up going out with her (we'll call her bernie, cos thats her name) and told me of of there nights of "passion" that ened the relationship. "she tryed to shove her fucking vibrator up my arse!" Good ol Bern.
(Krissgti is chasing the greasy homeless of glasgow, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 19:15, Reply)

erm...
I payed.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 19:00, Reply)

Simple, really
Lie.
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 18:35, Reply)

I talk to him on msn, I visit him hundreds of miles away,
I trim my beard, I cuddle him, I drink gin with him and talk in a welsh accent to please him. I put up with his awful, awful friends, just to be near him. Edmund, please, just once, let me touch you where it's meaningful.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Just to be the man who fell down at her door
I once walked 500 miles just to be the man who shagged her...

But she was unimpressed so I had to walk 500 more.

Bitch.
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 16:25, Reply)

Showing My Thong
I remember when I met my current boyfriend, the only guy (apart from celebs) that I've ever had a crush on I used to where thongs, and the thing about me is whatever jean when I sit down they always slip down without a belt.

So I used to go to the library (he was often in there, I think he was greatful for peace and quiet away from 3 sisters) I used to sit next to him, and lean forward, exposing my arse.

Did he ever notice?

Not once!

I got him in the end though- I think it was going to see Rocky Horror as Janet in my underwear plus and underskirt and a labcoat to cover me up. I went to Jillys in Manchester afterwards and met up with him, I suddenly got to 'hot' in my labcoat. Ahh good memories
(purplefairy, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 15:13, Reply)

hmm
i told him that i was easy, blonde, too hot for my clothes, and covered in chocolate.
i once had a shower, just so a boy would sleep with me. (He prefered clean girls)
( Dr Scunner She’s a he, technically, but she’s scalding hot, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 14:21, Reply)

I'm the one that's being chased!
This crazy lass wants me to 'help with her A-Level Art coursework' which apparently involves me being handcuffed and her taking photos of me..

Still haven't made my mind up yet, feel free to Gaz me if you want to offer some guidance!
( Schweaty Minge I spunked in your tea! Taste it and see! D:, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 13:56, Reply)

its only mad because I am an honest man, you b3tans are my only true bretheren
Ok what I did was suck her husband Jacob's penis.
(rodgerroop, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 12:29, Reply)

I said, "Hello, my dear, would you like a sweetie?"
Then I showed her this:



...and she was mine.
( giant_squid, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 12:16, Reply)

I told her
my parents were away...

she woke them up ^____^
(haavok88, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 12:12, Reply)

WELL.....he liked me, i liked him SO we....
went out for a couple of months then on our anniversary i bought him a block of toblerone and a funny magnet and that's all it took. he's such a sweet guy and i'm still with him today. i love to scare my mother about it...me being a teen and all...
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 15 Apr 2007, 11:31, Reply)

Does this handkerchief...
...smell of chloroform to you?
(Div My world's on fire... how 'bout yours?, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 10:21, Reply)

You look sensational in that dress...

...Mum.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 7:58, Reply)

Sorry I'm Late
My housemate locked me in.
(DRAGONSLAYER, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 4:08, Reply)