who's line is it anyway??
just one more thing as a wise man once said.
ask anyone of any ethnic group, sexual preferance or religous bent and you will be very hard pushed to find someone who has complained about being offend by the trivial shit mentioned in these nine pages.
however ask the same people if they've been pissed off by the stupid petty minded little rules imposed on them by the PC brigade and you be hard pushed to find anyone who isn't.
moral - leave things alone you small minded little bastards, or are you trying to cover your own racist, homophobic, antisemitic feelings by bashing everyone else???!!!!

sorry it's not funny or even spelt right but I've been up for three days now dealing with the most unpleasant outbreak of diarrheoa, not me but everyone else! I need new boots!, and socks! and trousers......
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:13, Reply)

What's In A Word?
So there's me (gayer) and my uncle (non-gayer, over 60, love him to death) and we're sitting around having a few beers and catching up. The current talk of their upper class, semi-inbred, golfing, wine club, operatics soctiety clique is that a gay couple has joined. Lovely fellas apparently, one owns a garden centre dontcherknow. Anyway, my Uncle's telling his usual hilarious stories, I'm laughing like a loon and inevitably one of the gay couple crops up in the story and my Uncle tries to jog my memory of who he is, despite describing him to me only moments before as 'one of those homosexuals'. So he starts his sentence with "So, this Barry....he's....he's....." and then he stops dead.

His mouth hangs open and his eyes flit around the room as he suddenly remembers he's talking to one of their sort and has to come up with an acceptable term. The silence becomes embarrassing, he's been errrming now for a good 15 seconds, which doesn't sound much but drop it into the middle of a conversation and see how long it seems. I'm desperate to help him but don't want to embarrass him so I just wait it out, clenching my fists and willing him on. Eventually his eyes light up and he bursts into a grin. With the relief at finally grasping the word that was eluding him he says it with a little more force than either of us expected.





"BENT!" He screamed happily. "HE'S A BENDER!" And then he sat back for a moment and looked please with himself. When I burst out laughing and patted his arm in understanding the look of disappointment on his face only made me laugh harder.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:05, 3 replies)

how about
the millions and millions of pounds spent on buses for the disabled?

obviously wheelchair users or other disabled people need transport. but for the millions of pounds squandered on replacing lovely london landmark routemasters or other perfectly serviceable double deckers with the new stupid buses, how many people who are so disabled that they can't be assisted onto an old bus could have been provided with their own taxi service? fuck it, their own limo driver and bugatti sportscar?? much easier and more convenient for the disabled passenger, millions of pounds cheaper for london, why not do this? because red ken and london transport are a bag of cheesy bell sniffers, that's why.

and in a city where congestion is the biggest problem, or one of, who thinks that making hundreds of buses three times the length of an ordinary one will help? not to mention the fact that they frequently crush people because they are too damn long for the drivers and more than one has spontaneously combusted...

stupid european regulations, stupid bendy buses, stupid mayor of london.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:59, 11 replies)

Xmas
We'd just been to the last union party before xmas.

The throng of students was gradually being ushered outside and my mates and I started separating to go home.

Because I wouldn't see him till the new year, I shouted 'Happy Christmas' to a mate a few yards away. An asian guy next to me then demanded I apologise.

"What for?" I asked incredulously.

"That's not my religion" he said. I really couldn't believe this bollocks so I refused which started a fight.
Utterly ridiculous.

Firstly, why is he there if he's so hateful of christianity as it was the Xmas party. Secondly, I'm an atheist SO IT'S NOT MY RELIGION EITHER!
(wattoo, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:52, 1 reply)

Leave it to Ronnie Barker...
... and his classic sketch. Remember him in the half-suit-half-dress outfit?

(Seriously, would this be acceptable today? Even as satire?)

--------------

Good Evening.
I'm from the Ministry of Sex Equality. I'm here tonight to explain the situation man-to-man. Or as we have to say now, person-to-person. My name is Mr-Stroke-Mrs Barker. But I don't advise any of you to try it. Stroking Mrs Barker.

Due to this new law, no-one is allowed to be called male or female, man or woman. This has already caused a great deal of argument in Parliament, so they're all going for a parliamentary conference at Manchester, or as it's now called, Personchester. They will all stay in nudist colony and air their differences. Members only, of course.

But how does this affect you? Is it easy to become de-sexed? Well, it can be, and I represent the proof. At least, one half of me does. The other half represents the poof.

The first thing we have to realise is that for too long, women have been beneath men. Not only in the home, but in the office as well. There are many ways we can change that: vertical desktops, for instance.

Now, the main area of change, of course, will be in the language. The 'man in the street' will become the 'person in the street'; whoever you are, man or woman, you will be the 'person in the street'. Incidently when I was in the street the other day, I nearly fell down a personhole, so be careful.

Now, certain professions will have their names changed, from the chairperson of a large company down to the humble dustperson. Not to be confused, of course, with the famous film star Dustin Hoffperson.

Speaking of films, there will be special feature films made showing the equality of the sexes: already in production, a new musical called "Seven Persons For Seven Other Persons", starring Paul Newperson with choreography by Robert Helperson. Music by Person Divani and his orchestra.

Now, dress. Dress, of course, you won't be expected to dress like this *indicates himself*, this sort of costume is much too expensive. Half a nicker certainly doesn't cover it. Each person can, of course, choose what to wear as long as it includes the customary shirt, bra, underpants and handbag. Shoes can be black or brown, according to individual taste; I myself find black shoes taste rather better than brown ones.

Jobs too will be entirely sexless, with one or two obvious exceptions. 'What are they?' you may ask? You may ask, but I'm not going to tell you on this program. Here is a clue: They have jam on them and appear at tea-time. Now, a job must be open to either a whatsit or a whosit, that is, a member of either sex. For instance, certain advertisements will not be allowed. Now, I have one here, in the local paper, and it says, if I can find it, ah, yes:

"Bar staff required for western country pub, male or female, must have big boobs."

Of course, that won't be passed by the Ministry at all, what he should have said was:

"Bar staff required, male or female, must be attractive, in the Bristol area."

That would have got passed.

A recent idea by the Ministry to avoid confusion is to call a man a "Doings" and a woman a "Thingie". This offends noone, and makes conversation clearer. Thus we instantly recognise the book called 'Little Thingies', or the musical called 'My Fair Thingie', or the play by George Bernard Shaw called 'Doings and Superdoings'.

There are times, however, when it sounds better to stick to the word 'person', the "person in the street" is still better than the "doings in the street". That's something to look out for and steer clear of.

Finally, don't let this new law alter your life, after all, what's in a name? As the great John Fatpimble once remarked: "I know, whatever we're called, my dear thingie and myself will carry on as usual, wearing each others clothes, and that, however we, the people, are thought of by the Ministry, tonight, all over Britain, all those thingies and doings will be together in front of the fire, as usual."

Good night!
(patently Was somewhere else on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:51, 3 replies)

An old favourite
ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/

A nice collection of ignorance, bigotry and stupidity as posted on the BBC 'Have Your Say' site.
(Think it might have made a newsletter a while ago so apologies if it's old news)
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:44, 2 replies)

Disabled (or differently abled?) toilets.
In the sorting office I am responsible for, Royal Mail went to great effort and expenditure to update the toilet. Bear in mind that this toilet is for the exclusive use of postmen who's job involves lots of walking or cycling.

They only went and installed a disabled toilet. Surely anyone who is too disabled to use a normal shitter is too disabled to be a postie?
(popurnoinplz, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:31, 1 reply)

Radio One Xtra
The "black" music station.

Surely music is either good or not (music taste is a personal thing) and should not be limited in audience by colour of skin?

I said that out loud once and was roundly tutted at and had was pretty much ignored for the rest of the day.

i still think it creates a division between listening groups and helps perpetuate a divide. And its our license money thats paid for it.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:29, 11 replies)

House selling
When my ex-neighbour discovered that I was thinking of moving, he asked that the house not be sold to any Pakistanis.

How I wish that the actual buyers had had brown skin. They didn't. They were pink. That's "pink" in the sense of skin-colour and in the sense of lesbian.

Wonder what his reaction to that'll be?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:22, Reply)

I sighed when I read the QOTW subject
Because I thought it would be filled with Littlejohn-esque inaccurate ranting propaganda and people generally getting outraged because OMG TEH MUZLIMS R TRYIN TO STEAL CHRISTMASS. I'm pleasantly surprised that there aren't as many as I was expecting. There are loads of good examples of cuntery, and some fucking good jokes :)

Yep, there are plenty of stupid, stupid, stupid decisions based on not wanting to offend people, but, there's a few points I would like to make to people that do actually shit on and on and on about how "PC" ruins their lives:

1. Don't get confused between Political Correctness, Stupidity and Bureaucracy. Sometimes a lot of decisions that people bang on about being "PC" are just stupid decisions made by a stupid clueless fucking cunt with no grasp on the real world. "Political Correctness Gone Mad" can too often be used as a lazy phrase to explain why someone's come up with a half-arsed idea or a piece of insane bureaucracy, without going into a proper reason why. Sometimes organisations just use the "PC" excuse because they're too fucking stingy to pay out for Christmas decorations.

2. THERE IS NO "PC BRIGADE". There is not an international organisation dedicated to eradicating anything ambiguous that may be construed as offensive by anyone.

3. Positive Discrimination based on gender, race or sexuality is illegal. See www.diversitytoolkit.org.uk/glossary/_P/ . If any organisation you know is employing people because they want to bump up their numbers of certain minorities, it's just as illegal as only employing straight white middle-aged males. If you know of anyone that does this - point them towards that web page and watch them shit themselves ;-). For some reason though - positive discrimination for Disabled people isn't actually illegal. Don't understand why this should be the case, but it is. You can have that one :-/

4. A significant amount of media coverage of "PC Gone Mad" is exaggerated and/or complete bollocks. A few years ago, someone was in the Manchester Evening News complaining how Manchester Council weren't allowing anyone to celebrate Christmas because It Might Offend Other Religions™. I go into Manchester City Centre, and what do I see, but massive official adverts for the "Manchester Christmas Markets" and a giant fucking banner on the front of the Town Hall reading "Manchester City Council wishes you a Merry Christmas". As for the aforementioned Mr Littlejohn - most of his ranting is based on complete exaggeration, hypothetical situations created in his hateful brain or just complete fabrication.

Like I said at the start of this stupidly long post - I'm not denying that "PC" behaviour exists, but it's a real bugbear of mine when cunts, bastards and fuckwits use a universal dislike of Political Correctness to justify their bigotry.

/off to laugh at Sickipedia now
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:21, 12 replies)

RAAAAAARRRRRR
Im so wound up by the fucking stories on this QOTW i want to smash things up.

Right before I mention this Id like to say that I am in no way racist - as I have a colour telly

However how come in my local town, all Taxi Drivers have been told they are not allowed to wear shirts or tshirts that have any relation to England on it.

A fucking joke.

Wank shit house PC Brigade can lick my banger

Length? - best not - I might offend someone.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:12, 4 replies)

My two pennys worth on this
The whole PC Gone Mad malarky is pretty much a myth - perpetuated by the Daily Mail and Sun as a tool to sell their papers, and by middle-management types who like to get offended on other people's behalf. eg. who the fuck decided that "brainstorming" is offensive to epileptics? Certainly not anyone with epilepsy that's for sure!! (I am epileptic).

No councils are banning Christmas or replacing it with "Winterval", St Georges Day is celebrated widely...theres no need to panic!

There are 2 things that annoy me about this issue though:

1) Ethic minorities being exploited:

For instance, Leaflets, TV adverts etc with "token black/Asian" people in - surely that's get to be more offensive and an outmoded concept! If I was black actor and an agency asked me to be in a commercial, I wouldn't like to think "they just want me for the colour of my skin" but that would be in the back of my mind. The Government agency adverts are such an example of these. The only Government ad I've seen that has not got any "ethnically diverse" people in is the one about benefit fraud (presumably because to suggest that anyone other than white people commit crime is a big no no).

2) Positive Discrimination:

To deny someone a job due to the colour of their skin has to be the ultimate in racist behaviour, but due to "diversity targets" it is happening every day, mainly in public sector police/fire/teaching/civil service posts. So when a police chief is faced with 2 equally qualified candidates for a job, but one is Asian the other white, to chose either based on their ethnic background is totally wrong but this stupid government with its targets means that their hands are tied!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:06, 2 replies)

Mixers
My local pub is getting in on the act, they're advertising a race night for next Saturday .
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:04, Reply)

Generation gap

People of an older generation it seems were brought up in a society where casual rascism was rife, and to my mind even though they now know that this was wrong they can't quite exorsize they're feelings completely.eg

1. A freind of mine was looking for a cleaner and ask his middle aged neighbour if they could recommend one. "I can indeed" he said "I would recomend my cleaner, she's Iraqi, but she's alright"

Alright how exactly?

She did'nt lay an improvised bomb by your driveway? She didn't decapitate your beloved cat Mr. Killmouski and post the video on the internet demanding that the RSPCA release Barry "scurge of the west" Gerbil immediately?

2. My friend was talking to her little old Welsh granny who, in her defence was rather cut off from the world in the depths of the Welsh mountains. Anyway, a black chap came on the television and Granny leaned over (pfft) and asked if everybody knew that "they" were allowed to buy houses now!

Unbelieveable.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:57, 1 reply)

A Good Idea, Perhaps Poorly Executed...
Not so much a PC story, but a totally un-PC one.

My university held a themed night to help raise money for HIV charities.

The theme?

Pimps and hookers.

No lie.

Thank god they weren't raising money for preventing child abuse. Imagine the costumes...
(itsnotmehonest, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:51, Reply)

I work for an American Company...
So am subjected to endless educational videos to ensure I'm trained in being a decent human being and that I treat my collegues with dignity regardless of race or gender.

Sadly the videos don't include Dwarves.
And as a geek, when see one I always imagine them in chainmail and fighting orcs.
Is D&D gone made I tell you!
( Weejock, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:49, Reply)

Cinema school outings
Now this made me smile; happened to my friends class when he was in Primary school.

On the Xmas trip one of the younger classes were organise to go to the cinema, to watch the next Christmas film. The film is chosen, and the class of 8-9 year olds are all ferried to the local Odeon.

They sit through the trailers and adverts then the feature presentation appears...."Howard The Duck".

Oh dear.

The first scene is Howard in his department and someone swears. The teachers twitch a bit. Then Howard gets blasted by that ray, and pulled through the walls of the flat, passing the woman-duck in the bath with her tits out.

Cue twenty kids being ushered out of the cinema with the teachers freaking on the ticket sellers about "unsuitable filth".

Made the local Evening Post too :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:49, Reply)

Oooop north!
Where I work my boss calls everyone gayboy. We know of two people called Bob, to differentiate them, one is call gay Bob and the other is called heterosexual Bob. Both Bobs are straight. All asians are called Abdul, even the women, and I'm just called the daft tart.

You cant beat a plain speaking Yorkshireman.
( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:46, 2 replies)

Book Club
Not sure this story is completely on track but...

As a well behaved student of my Secondary School, I was asked to help out in a pilot scheme where those of us who were considered to be of a slightly higher intellect were requested to help those students who had trouble with their studies.

The scheme involved the "thick kids" reading a book to us and we'd have to help them when they got stuck. I think the idea was that the more they read, the more intelligent they would become.

As I was the only member of the "Slightly More Intellectual" that had a foreign name (I'm half Italian if anyone cares) I was paired with a young Indian boy with an equally tough name to pronounce.

On the second day of the scheme my Indian friend was struggling with his reading quite considerably and I had to correct him on a number of occasions, other than that I was feeling like the scheme was going to be a success.

The next day I was asked not to return to the scheme as I would no longer be needed. I was then called to the Headmasters office who explained that the young Indian boy had complained to his father about me, who had in turn complained to the school. The complaint was something along the lines of me unnecessarily correcting his son and only doing so because I was racist. But I didn't. I only corrected him cos he was Stupid! I knew the head quite well as I was one of the school goodie-goodie's (a prefect to boot) and explained that I would never do such a thing and I certainly wasn't Racist. The Head agreed but told me that even though he knew I wouldn't do such a thing, he had to remove me from the Scheme to prove to the Indian Father that the school doesn't mess around when it comes to Racism and Bullying and to prove they can deal with any situation.

I missed out on 10 Merits because of that, but at least I got my Lunch breaks back!
(Demoniac, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:38, Reply)

Sinterklaas
Real story: "Sinterklaas" is a traditional festivity in the Netherlands (and Belgium), which can be described in short as: An old, white guy with a long white beard, called Sinterklaas, and a black assistant, called black Piet. They come to the Netherlands / Belgium each year on 5 December, and give presents to children.

For the whole tradition and the history, please use google or wikipedia (search for "Sinterklaas"). The black Piets are black, because they climb down the chimney to put presents in children's shoes.

I work for an American company, with offices all around the globe, including the Netherlands. Each year, Sinterklaas and his black Piets used to visit our site, and employees could take their children to work, where Sinterklaas and the black Piets give presents and candy.

However, this year, one of the American clowns has decided that the black Piets where not allowed on our Dutch location, as this could result in "discrimination actions in the US".

It would not be politically correct to continue an innocent Dutch tradition, because of possible legal actions in the US.

Lenght? His beard is about 75 centimeters long, at least.
(Bassie999, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:36, 1 reply)

Umm
Can you be called racist if you hate everyone equally?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:27, 5 replies)

Misjudging the mood.
I'm guessing most people here have been in one of those situations where you've been getting on great with someone who you know, but not that well. In the pub say, quite relaxed atmosphere, bit of banter joking back and forth, some a bit risque/close to the bone etc.
And then you make that joke which is just a step too far, and suddenly the mood changes, the genial atmosphere comes crashing down, and everyone looks at you like you've just confessed to a predilection for getting done up the arse by strapon wielding one-legged prostitutes while you're wearing your mum's underwear.

I was at an end-of-campaign clients' do last night and was getting on very well with some of their senior management. They were laughing at my jokes (score!), interested in my opinions (a first) and naturally the talk soon turned to football and the general shiteness of England.

By this stage I was on a roll, a bottle of wine to the good, and so after listening to their Marketing Director give his opinion on the post-Croatia state of the sport the timing was naturally right for me to unleash the following masterpiece (shamelessly swiped from sickipedia).



"Of course Umbro have announced that the England football team will replace the 3 lions from their shirts with three tampons.

This is to represent the worst period they ever had!"



There was a horrified pause followed by my director doing the whole changing the subject quickly thing so as to pretend it never happened.

I was treated with a mixture of contempt and embarrassment for the rest of the night. Not my finest moment.



EDIT: this morning I've been gently informed that it'd be a good idea if I was 'unavailable' for said client's Christmas party.
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:26, Reply)

can anyone enlighten me
Are the Welsh still fair game?
(housetits is channelling Natalie Cassidy - then, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:16, 8 replies)

Hooky the cripple
In response to randomstupids post on publishing..


is anyone aware that Mark "Chopper" Read wrote a CHILDRENS BOOK? you can buy it all over the internet too, i just saw it on amazon... im not making this up either:

www.popmatters.com/books/reviews/h/hooky-the-cripple.shtml
(The Reverend annoying the regulars since, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:16, 2 replies)

An Iraq bloke works in our office
turned up for work late the other day, told the supervisor "Sorry, my alarm clock is broken."

The supervisor smirks and says "Well stop taking the bits out of it for your bombs then."

Faraj laffed like feck at it, as did the rest of us. So using that result along with "logic" it's ok for me to go upto fatties and shout "STOP FUCKING EATING!!!!"

tests this out.....gets beaten black and blue
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 10:14, Reply)

my name is ginge
Hello all from the middle of nowhereistan. I was given a hearty dressing down the other day by my troopy (Troop commander) as I described one of the locals as a "filthy dirty donkey riding arsewipe" "you really must be more sensitive towards the local population and speaking of them in such a negative way could cause bad feelings, ok Taff?"
1, he was dirty, foul smelling and had ridden up on a donkey
2, after what us and the septics, the russians, the taliban etc have done to this place I hardly think a few unkind words are going to tip the population one way or the other
3, I had just finished cleaning out his infected leg ulcer and given him medication so he wouldn't end up with blood poisioning!!
4, to cap it all off he calls me TAFF!!!!! that is racism in itself.
my name is Ginge!!

P.S. I am sorry about the arsewipe bit, trust me if he'd looked anything like "RSwipe" he wouldn't have made it out of the medcentre in one peice..... Deep throaty growl!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 9:49, 5 replies)

Political Correctness hasn't even started to go mad in Spain
Here in Spain, the little children don't get Christmas presents from Santa but from the Three Kings, who turn up on January 6th. One of the kings (Balthazar) is thought to have been black.

Since there were hardly any black people in Spain until very recent times, in the King's Day processions Balthazar has always been played by a white man painted up like Al Jolson; big red lips, the works.

Immigration is increasing in Spain, and I asked a friend recently if the department stores and offices that organise the Three Kings events have started recruiting actual black people to play the Balthazars.

"Some places did try that," he said, "but it didn't really work. The guys just didn't look black enough."
( somegreybloke, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 9:48, Reply)

Tired of all this PC bullshit?
Why not spend Christmas in Switzerland...

During the elections, the ever-so-slightly right-wing party ran a series of ad campaigns, one depicting a black sheep being pushed out of switzerland by a group of white sheep, the other showing a nice graph where the increase in the number of muslims in switzerland correlated to the increase in violent crimes.

Not that I in any way condone this kind of petty hate-mongering, but it makes a change after having to sign 150 'greetings' cards wishing people 'a restive festive season'...
(chesty, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 9:45, 1 reply)

And another
My mother has always been a contrary, opinionated, take-no-shit nutter. And when I was at school, we were continually being asked for money to go on field trips to count frogs or see rocks etc. She always refused to pay, saying that she paid taxes for education and that the teachers were probably using the funds for booze and drugs. Mostly, I just stayed at school and did extra maths while everyone else went to Alton Towers.

But once, a teacher made me stay behind after lessons:

HER: Is everything alright at home, Frank?
ME: Yes. Why?
HER: Are both your parents employed?
ME: Yes...
HER: Are they divorcing?
ME: Er, no...
HER: Are they having... money problems. Would you like me to pay for the Alton Towers trip?
ME: No - my mum's just tight as a gnat's chuff. She thinks teachers are all drug addict perverts.
HER: Oh - here's some extra maths then...
(frankspencer, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 9:44, 3 replies)