I thought the bastard PC Nazis had 'crossed the line'...
when I had to fill in a form the other day.

Why should I be dictated to by their statistics, bullshit 'positive' discrimination and let them know what sex I am? Would it affect my skills, my qualifications and my abilities to fo the job?

Would it arse-biscuits.

Then I thought of my plan. The ultimate reply. Witty, relevant and something that would send shockwaves through their HR department for years to come…

Get this…..

*starts laughing already*

In the box next to where it said ‘sex’….I wrote ‘Yes please’

*Chortles uncontrollably*

Indeed I am a funny fucker – no doubt about it. I thank you.

*wipes tears*

(And yes, you can all use that on forms if you want in the future, I haven’t copyrighted it or anything.)

…

…

What?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 14:22, 3 replies)

"Gone Mad," you say!?

"Gone Mad"!!?

How dare you!? As a past sufferer of mental illness* myself, I find this highly offensive!

"Political Correctness Gone Sociopathic", if you don't mind!

* no really. Better now though. :-)
( teedyay, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 14:11, Reply)

The politically correct Fun Police at my local primary school
have decreed that apparently kids can't read Enid Blyton any more because "attitudes were different then" and "people might be offended." Why for God's sake?


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 14:07, 7 replies)

Military PC
I'm doing a job for the military, designing lovely new buildings for front line troops.

All the buildings are required to have disabled facilities, but you can't be in the front line military if your disabled, so they have lots of toilets, extra wide elevators, extra wide corridors, wide doors, disabled alarms and monitoring equipment, sockets and switches all mounted at wheel chair friendly heights and no one will ever benefit from them.

Oh and it puts the cost of the job up by many thousands, and all for nothing.

Any you and I pay for it. while private smith gets killed because they have no money to pay for his personal body armour.

Makes you proud don't it.
(Andy-Bhoy I'm here all week, try the veal., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:56, Reply)

Still on-topic (but only just)
I was wondering if the proposed American remake of 'Life on Mars' will have the decidedly non-PC elements removed, or watered down?

The UK original was bloody refreshing in that it didn't shy away from what actually went on in the 70's.

Best line for me? When Gene Hunt, in series 2, exasperated by how slowly an investigation was going, exclaimed: "Now. Yesterday's shooting. The dealers are all so scared we're more likely to get Helen Keller to talk. The Paki in a coma's about as lively as Liberace's dick when he's looking at a naked woman, all in all this investigation's going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory".

Sheer bloody genius.

EDIT: for more of these gems - en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Life_on_Mars
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:52, 10 replies)

Non-racial 'attack' ends in marriage and unemployment.
A few years ago my best friend (who I will call 'Donald', even though his name is Simon) got an office job in England after returning from a year in Japan. Upon starting work, he found that the next desk belonged to a cute Japanese girl named Naoko. He quite liked this girl, and after a few days of indecision, finally decided to try and impress her with a little bit of Japanese.

"Konichiwa," he said. "Hajimemashita, Donald des." This means: "Hello. Pleased to meet you. I'm Donald."

Naoko was clearly quite taken by this, and things looked good. That was until he was called to his manager's office later that day and summarily fired for a 'racial attack'. It seemed one of the other workers in the office had assumed he was taking the piss and made a formal complaint. As Donald was on his three month probationary evaluation period, he could be fired in this way with no negative effect on the company, and the company was not interested in the pitiful defense attempts of a racist.

Quite pissed off, Donald packed up his things and left, pausing to say goodbye (but NOT sayonara) to Naoko.

Eight months later they got married and are still together, all happy, the bastards. Donald also got a much better job almost immediately, for more pay and less work. I don't think anybody at that office ever mentioned this to Naoko, probably worried the same would happen to them.

Still, not a bad outcome to a 'racial attack', eh?

Apologies for my considerable length, and for the fact you've been staring at it for the last minute or so.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:48, 2 replies)

"HATE CRIME!"
That phrase alone makes me want to hit someone..

But I generally reserve my rage for people who walk too slowly on pavements

and golfers.

And volvo-Drivers.

And the ass-hats at work who insist on buying into the new Management Fad.

And Pig-Ignorant tossers who come out with phrases like "hur hur hur, I only like blondes"

And people who get offensive when drunk.

And people who don't know when to stop drinking and spue on my doorstep.

The list goes on.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:45, 11 replies)

I used to know someone who would boast that he wasn't racist...
...because he had a black son-in-law.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:43, Reply)

While we're at it
can we start referring to the Daily Mail as a 'right-wing cellulose-based current affairs dissemination medium'?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:43, 4 replies)

Bad just means needs more good.
I have just this week written a review of some training we delivered to some of our staff. It was designed specifically for those that were "performing sub-optimally" in a certain required area of their jobs. I wrote that one of the difficulties with the training is that the groups contained a cross-section of employees ths reducing its impact and effectiveness. I suggested that we would have been better "...selecting those staff who are consistently low performers..." in this area. I was made to change that line. It now reads "...staff who are most likely to gain maximum benefit from this form of support, learninig and development..."

Talk about calling a spade an "earth-inverting horticultural implement".
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:42, Reply)

Married to the Anti-Christ
my evil wife (who's black) has a habit of pissing people off in public by deliberately behaving very un-PC - her "sense of humour" includes asking me, when we're in a crowded public space together, favourite lines such as;

"did you just call me a n*gger?"

(one day I hope to travel on a bus in Brixton with her just for the shear adrenaline rush )
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:41, 7 replies)

My mum and her fight for righteousness
In Norn Ireland they place heavy emphasis on positive recruitment based not on skin colour but on who's got the correct fictitious deity.

I am the child of a mixed marriage (one parent Protestant, family in the Orange Order; one parent Catholic, priests included in the line-up). My parents raised me to be unbaptised nothing (although my mother later expressed sadness at my atheism and claimed she hoped I'd be "a little bit spiritual").

Anyway, employers like you to fill in forms that detail what religion you are. My mum had been in her job for ages when these forms came round.

You have to tick:
I am a member of the Protestant community.
I am a member of the Catholic community.
I am a member of neither the Protestant or Catholic community.

My mum hates people being labelled so she went to tick the third "can't pin me down" box. But no! Wait! Read the small print! The small print stated that if you said you belonged to neither community then they would work out what your religion was from what school you went to. (This, by the way, is a standard Norn Ireland conversational trick, along with finding out someone's surname and tricking them into saying the letter "h".) They'd do this by classing everyone who went to a school called "Saint..." as Catholic and everyone else as automatically Protestant.

My mum was furious. She refused to disclose her school. She said she hoped any Jew, Muslim, atheist or Jedi, etc, would do the same. She received sniffy, stern letters back saying she absolutely had to provide this information. She stood her ground. Eventually they sent her a small, weak pathetic dribble of a letter saying they were excluding her from the survey.

Norn Ireland. As if classifying people by religion wasn't causing enough trouble, they went and formalised the process.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:30, 5 replies)

someone I knew's aged mother, who is a South African person,
once remarked that "I suppose a hard-working black man is better than a white layabout."

As a white layabout, I was highly offended.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:19, Reply)

I'm not remotely original
I hate everyone equally!!!!!!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:16, 2 replies)

PC
You know, the idea of political correctness is sound. The idea is that no-one should be judged based on their race, religion, sex, sexual preference and ability. We should all be judged, as Martin Luther King once said, "based on the content of our character". Amen brother.*

Everyone is different. "There are good and bad in all races" as my mother used to say. The ideal definition of PC is: treat everyone as an individual, regardless of their appearance or lifestyle. If they're a twat, tell them they're a twat. If they're good at their job, reward them. And so on.

The problem comes when people play the race/gender/gay/equality card. When that happens organisations immediately get their best scary legal goblins on the case. The scary legal goblins come back and say "employ more black people". Or "put wheelchair ramps in". Or "stop celebrating christmas." They say "If you don't do these things YOU COULD GET SUED."

Now, as we all know the one thing that all organisations and corporations fear is GETTING SUED. (See packets of peanuts with "WARNING CONTAINS NUTS" on them for another example of this thinking.)

So, as Mike Fishcake most eloquently said, it's not really PC that's the problem. It's the buttock clenching fear that somehow, someday you may OFFEND SOMEONE and BE SUED. Gasp!

So next time someone says "it's PC gone mad", just remind them that in principle PC is a good thing. Explain to them that the problem is caused not by wishing to appear favourable to blacks/gays/women but by the fear-inducing possibility that . . . repeat after me . . . SOMEONE MAY GET SUED.

Then poke them in the eye.




* I mean "brother" in a hippyish "family of man" kind of way, and not in a reference to the fact that black man sometimes to refer to each other and themselves as brother. Just to clarify in case anyone was thinking of suing me.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:09, 5 replies)

while walking down the street
I was confronted by a policeman, who told me it was illegal to beam hateful messages into his head by radio and make the people on TV plot against him.

It was PC gone mad I tell you.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 13:07, 1 reply)

I've just seen it mentioned further down the page...
...but asking for sexual orientation/race/creed on job application forms is always accompanied by words to the effect of "so that we can ensure we have a good mix".

Does that mean that they recruit to quotas?

"Sorry sir, you were the best candidate but you're Indian and we were looking for Jamaicans today..."
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:43, 1 reply)

BBC Asian Network
Not completely on topic, but when did most of Asia disappear? This has been bothering me for a while. The BBC Asian Network appears to only have programmes/articles/pictures of peoples from countries on, what would historically been called, the 'sub-continent'. Do the other Asian countries, China, Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, et al, no longer exist?
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:42, 4 replies)

Official Forms ...
...that ask for ethnic origin details. Why is there never an option for "don't know".

Some of us were adopted, y'know. OK, I'm generally quite pale, but not as pale as most. So clearly there's something to report. Surely asking for this information is discriminatory against the adopted? I think I should sue.

Can I tick "don't care" instead?
(patently Was somewhere else on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:41, 7 replies)

This isn't about political correctness, so don't vote for it. Some of the answers reminded me of it though...
A few years ago, a regular in my dad's pub beckoned my dad over and asked for some advice. The conversation went like something like this:
(I swear on my mother's life this is a true story...)

"Rich, I need some advice"
"Ok"
"I've got this new girlfriend, and she's black"
"Right..."
"Thing is, I don't know where to take her apart from here"
"Bring her here then"
"Well yeah, but we can't shag in the pub can we?"
"Take her back to yours then"
"But my dad will freak out if he sees I'm going out with a black girl"
"So go to her place then"
"I can't do that, coon's houses stink!"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:39, Reply)

When applying for my last job
I was asked about 'Sexual orientation' on my application form.

What the fuck has it got to do with you, you fucking fascist cunts?

And I'm not even gay.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:39, 6 replies)

The Bastard Defence - relevant??
I was once told about a tactic that defence counsel are sometimes asked to use in Employment Tribunal/discrimination cases.

Apparently, when some people are taken to court for being rude/nasty/sexist/racist to someone, their entire defence rests on being able to prove that they are equally and fairly disciminatory towards everyone.

It's called the bastard defence as it boils down to trying to prove to a judge that you are a nasty/racist/sexist twat to everybody, all the time, always and everywhere. Surprisingly, I'm told it very rarely succeeds.
(yiddo, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:38, 2 replies)

Digger?
A distant relative in Australia was recently reprimanded at work and told to change his behaviour. The reason? He'd been accused of being offensive to a black worker. Unfortunately he'd been mis-heard and his habitual referring to everyone as 'digger' was taken as something offensive.

Strangely he has never been pulled up for referring to 'bloody lazy Abo's"
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:35, Reply)

ooh ooh, got another one

I was about 14 before I released that the lovely black couple that owned the corner shop near to my Grandparents weren't actually called "Mr and Mrs Sambo". WHat if I'd asked for them by name once?

*Shudders*

And they called the indian couple "The Guptas" but that may actually have been their name....
(Pig_of_Doom, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Multi-faith Christmas card
Last year, the head of marketing had a designer trying to come up with a Christmas card that wouldn't offend international customers. The design guy must have spent three weeks jizzing about only for her to knock him back each time:

HER: You can't use a tree - that's a Christian symbol.
HIM: How about a bauble?
HER: It goes on a tree, doesnt it.
HIM: Yeah, as naturally as Jesus goes on a cross.
HER: [Missing irony] Quite right.
HIM; How about a present?
HER: Not all cultures give presents at this time of year.
HIM: OK - some kids playing in the snow.
HER: The customers in Nevada won't identify with that.
HIM: True - seeing snow might traumatise them. What if I use a reindeer? Rudolf and the sleigh...
HER: Santa Claus - He's Christian.
HIM: He is?
HER: Oh yeah. He was a saint.
HIM: Wait a minute. Isn't the whole idea of sending a Christmas card Christian? It's a Christian holiday. You don't even send a Christian card to someone who would be offended by Christmas!
HER: If we only send it to some, the other's will be offended.
HIM: So you're telling me that we have to send a non-Christmas card to people who may not be Christians. If it's not about Christmas, what's the occasion?

In the end they used a tree with a star above it. Nobody complained.
(frankspencer, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:25, 5 replies)

last christmas
we were on a cruise in the caribbean. most of the people on board were merkins, and a fair few of them were jewish. not being religious or a family to notice anyone's religion, we only realised this when we overheard the merkins on the table next to us bollocking the sweet little filippino waitress for daring to wish them a merry christmas on christmas morning.

"that is offensive to most of the people in this room. do you think you can learn how to say 'happy holidays' in english?"

my brothers were restrained with difficulty from bashing them. instead, much to my embarrassment, my younger brother said loudly to my older brother, 'hey jay, can you learn to say "patronising racist twat"'?

they were twats, though. overly made up bejewelled big haired gold shoe wearing shoulder padded twats. and that was just the men!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:24, 5 replies)

Stonewall Leadership Programme
Anyone else heard of this?

My company sponsers two candidates to go on it:

The programme is aimed at lesbian, gay and bisexual staff with the potential to be senior decision makers within five years. Typically, participants will already be highly credible, at middle management level with a 5-10 year proven track record of delivery.

The objective of the programme is to provide individual gay employees with new skills and inspiration to be better leaders in the workplace.


Either this means they think gays don't have the mental capacity for a 'normal' training scheme

Or
they are trying to get more gays into higher positions, thus admitting they've been discriminating against them thusfar.

Either way, it's a little fucked up.
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:24, 10 replies)

School
I used to work at a school's video department. This particular school is so high-tech that it had a fully staffed video and web department. Our job was mainly to record special events and so on, but sometimes we would have to produce videos showing kids talking about various school-related subjects.

Predictably we would have to include an ethnically diverse range of students. In one year there was a girl who was black and used a wheelchair to get around. Black, female and disabled? Ker-ching! I think she was in almost every video we produced. She was like politically correct gold dust.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:23, 1 reply)

Sheffield Council
A friend of mine used to work for the above as a social worker. A woman inher department was off sick for many weeks on full pay, but was by chance found to be working full time for an agency.
She got off scott-free - why?
She is black.
Grrrrrrrrrrr.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:16, 3 replies)

Official forms bollocks
What drives me crazy is seeing official forms which ask for my ethnic origin. I mean, what fucking relevance is that??? Grr... I see it as an intrusion on privacy, but the fact that whoever has designed these paper monstrosities feels that there is a need to differentiate between Bangladeshi and Pakistani irks me greatly although "White European" is an acceptable definition with goalposts three thousand miles wide.

Who gives a fuck, if you're a British citizen then you're British. End of.

My great, great granddaddy originated from Koblenz in Germany. He settled in London and indeed his grandson married a girl from another German immigrant family - around the time of WW1. My mum's parents were Irish and both killed during WW2 after settling in London, so my mother's family history is patchy at best. There is (probably apocrophal) family legend that one of my mother's ancestors was a Japanese schoolteacher, but either way I guess I'm Anglo-Saxon / Celt. There is a slight possibility that my big toe on my left foot is Japanese however.

I take great pleasure in making sure that the above information is diseminated at length when being asked to fill in my ethnic background, if forms make the fatal mistake of asking "Other, please state:_______" then I take carte blanche to ensure I make full use of it.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:15, 8 replies)