My good how odd
Well i had this dream where I was typing on my keyboard for this amusing forum and my house blew up and then I fo
(stefd I HAVE RETURNED ..... And i brought cake, Thu 18 Nov 2004, 20:08, Reply)

when i was 5...
I had this stuffed gorrilla named Dan. (in fact, i still have him. he's sitting on my bed right now)
i was planning on going shopping in a town 40 minutes up the coast with my mom, sister and grandma. that morning, while consulting Dan, he told me that i should take an overnight bag because i wouldn't be home that night. my mother thought it was odd when i walked out to the car with my bright green ninja turtles back back filled with the following:

-1 pair of underwear
-1 pair of pajamas
-1 outfit for the next day
-1 toothbrush
-1 swimming suit

she thought it even odder when i told her the mysterious message i had recieved from my cotton filled, banana weilding friend.

after a full day of shopping, we got on to the freeway and were recieved by a whole shit-ton of traffic. we promptly turned on the radio. it tol us that there had been an oil spill between the where we were and where we lived. the roads had been closed.

the hotel we stayed in had a pool.

and i was the only one with clean underwear.
(sophie the dyking, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 23:28, Reply)

My Dad...
...once excitedly told us how he watched the news in the morning and realised he'd dreamt almost every story... we reminded him he'd gone to sleep with the radio on.
(Chom, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 1:04, Reply)

I had a premonition.
Picture the scene; Woodstock Music Festival, 1969. I, a poor farm hand, dressed head to toe in the only clothes I could afford from the Army Surplus Store; a WW2 German Officers uniform. Dressed in this garb I was mistaken for Leonard Rossiter. At that time, Leonard Rossiter was playing second bassoon for the Jimi Hendrix Experience. Stage hands forcefully led me to Leonard's place on stage, and I was left with no choice but to improvise my way through Jimi's acid rock rendition of 'Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep'.

As it turned out, there were many similarities between playing the bassoon and shearing a sheep, so I soon picked it up. The ensuing experience was a deeply spiritual one. I was transported to a higher plain by a mixture of the highly aesthetic music, strong liquor and illegal narcotics. There I met a spirit guide, Felicity Kendall, who was naked and firey red from head to toe. She told me that if I could beat her at monopoly, she would reveal to me the secrets of the future.

Within an hour, I had a hotel on both the dark blue ones. The bitch stood no chance, and admitted defeat, rather than waste a further hour slowly heading to bankrupcy. True to her word, she told me that she would now show me the future. She parted her legs, and there, between her labia was a widescreen television. She tuned it in by twisting her left nipple, and turned up the volume on her right one.

Despite being partially obscured by her foot-long pubes, I did indeed catch a glimpse of the future before returning to my physical form (where I found the real Leonard Rossiter angrily beating me with his bassoon).

But did the premonition come true? Yes, thirty years later a drugged, sexually assaulted corpse WAS found in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.

Spooky, eh?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 11:50, Reply)

My twin brother...
I have this uncanny knack of being able to tell exactly what kind of pleasure or pain my twin brother is experiencing at any given time, and have even been known to turn up at the same place at the exact same time for the exact same reason.
I am *never* wrong with my insights and can even tell when he is feeling sexually excited.
I have had this ability since birth.

My brother thinks it's something to do with us being conjoined, but I reckon he's just being pedantic.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 7:57, Reply)

I knew you were going to say that.
(Withiel assumes the position!, Thu 18 Nov 2004, 20:55, Reply)

I once dreamt that Princess Diana died in a horrific car-crash.
It was a good few years after her death, but I wonder if mine was just a bit late?
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 18 Nov 2004, 20:45, Reply)

For some reason
I always know the girlf is phoning me a second or two before my mobli actually bleats.

I'd like to put this down to some sort of soul-mate star-crossed lovers karmic kind of thing...

..but it's more likely the phone signal fucking with the metal pins in my knee that the nice doctors inserted after aforesaid love-of-my-life pushed me out of bed and onto a cold, hard floor.

Who says love is dead, eh?
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 12:11, Reply)

I once
had a dream that i had sex with a massive bumble-bee. i remember reaching round and groping its big bee arse and it feeling all fuzzy.

oh. these have to come come true do they?
( biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 23:13, Reply)

I spent my entire teenage years
predicting the end of the world on 12th September 1981 in a firey armageddon of nuclear warfare and Mutually Assured Destruction.

I was right too. You're imagining all this.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 21:13, Reply)

Snuffit Stakes
Dunno if anyone else does this, but up until a while ago we used to run "Snuffit Stakes" each year at work. The idea was that at the start of the year you'd each predict the deaths of 3 people famous enough to get an obituary in a national newspaper, write their names on scraps of paper and pay 3 quid (ie £1 a go) into a kitty. If any of the nominated names died in the following 12 months, whoever predicted it correctly would get a pay-out.

Obviously if it was someone old and in the way who could be reasonably expected to peg out at any minute, the Queen Mother for example (although infuriatingly she went on and on till way after we'd stopped doing it), loads of people would vote for them and each share the proceeds.

The trick therefore was to nominate someone completely unexpected to die, and with luck rake in the entire pot (which stood at over £300) all for yourself.

I don't know if this is why we stopped doing it, but I do remember the same girl accurately and somewhat spookily predicted the deaths of Princess Di, Jan Dildo (the newsreader who was shot dead on her doorstep) and Douglas Adams (the Hitchhiker's Guide author). The odds against it must've been astronomical.

Maybe she had them bumped off so that she'd win our office sweepstake? Who knows....
( Ptolemy the man with the silent pea, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 20:23, Reply)

I had a really spooky premonition
when I read the QotW ... I had a sudden utterly compelling feeling that a number of gullible tree-fucking pisswits would crawl out of the renewable forest woodwork and admit that they actually believe they've had some sort of cunting prescient experience.

/not really entering into the spirit of the question ... sorry
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 11:04, Reply)

Everyday
Everyday I wake up and know exactly what is going to happen, just as I did the day before and the day before that.

You don't need a third eye, you just need to have no life
( Thickey, Thu 18 Nov 2004, 23:10, Reply)

Here comes the science bit...
For all those vaguely interested...

"Deja-vu" is actually a minor brain malfunction.
It happens when something goes awry with the electrical signals in the brain and your perception suddenly splits, taking in two copies of the same thing at once - because the mind can't cope with this duplication, it immediately relegates one set of information it's receiving into the memory part of your brain, so you *think* you're recalling something you've experienced before, when in fact...you're just experiencing it in stereo.

wooooo.......
(jennymnemonic, Thu 18 Nov 2004, 23:05, Reply)

Don't know how I knew...
I went out with my mates for a curry the other week - while I was chomping away on my chicken vindaloo I had this premonition that I was going to get the major shits.

The next day it felt like I'd been fucked up the bum with a spicy prize marrow.
(misteroz, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 17:07, Reply)

I knew you were going to have this topic as question of the week.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 11:35, Reply)

Apparently...
When I was born I immediately uttered the words "well, it'll be 20 years or so before I see another one of them".
(Captcheese, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 9:48, Reply)

When my wife was pregnant...
...for the first time, I had a premonition that it would be a boy or a girl. Imagine my utter amazement when it was!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 21 Nov 2004, 3:43, Reply)

I once had a scary dream about
a shark, a bridge and a helicopter.

Fortunately, it wasn't real.
( S Snail wore out his welcome with random precision, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 20:32, Reply)

If there is such a thing as the opposite of a premonition, this is it...
From my teenage years, I had one of two recurring nightmares every night. I either dreamt of nuclear apocalypse (and not the fun Mad Max kind; more like the realistic Threads kind) or of being pursued and then torn apart by zombies. I have literally no idea what was going on in my head to cause this, but anyway...

After several years of this, I'd pretty much gotten used to them. Okay, so I woke up scared at least once a night, but as soon as I was awake it was obvious that I'd simply been spending my valuable REM time ruining a perfectly good nights sleep, and so drifted back off into blissful slumber.

Then, one night, I didn't have a single nightmare. No bleak, scarred atomic landscapes haunted me. Rotting automatons singularly failed to pursue me and force me to turn a chainsaw on myself to stop me becoming one of them. That morning, I woke with a smile on my face. "Finally", I thought, "whatever ridiculous neuroses I've been putting up with have been resolved. I can move forward in life and no longer wonder why my subconscious feels the need to torture me so. This is the first day of a new, fear-free life!"

Bright was that morning, and high my spirits. Yes, the morning of September 11th 2001 definitely held the promise of better things for me.

It was a shame that selfish, bearded, gooner bastard with his monged kidneys and enormous wealth had to spoil it for me.
(Light, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 10:32, Reply)

When I was in school...
one of my social science classes had us sit in pairs of two. I was teamed up with their rather uppity girl who was part of the schools equestrian team, and went well out of her way to remind you of it. One day, she was absent (and thus left me to my own affairs throughout class). Someone behind me goes "Hey Nick! Where's Judy at?" and reply "She probably got bit in the face by her horse!" The next day, she shows up with some scabs all across her face. I exclaimed "Good lord! What happened to you?" She sheepishly looked at me and said "My horse bit me in the face." I broke into a guffaw, much to her displeasure.
(Nickface, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 0:50, Reply)

secrets of the universe
not strictly a premonition... but spooky nonehteless

I was once abducted by aliens. They wanted me to do all thei washing up. it was a lot of washing up because they had been busy discovering the secrets of the universe.

Unfortunatley for me, they kept revealing the secrets they had discovered, but then, becuse they didn't want me to expose their knowledge, they's whack me over the head and knock me out, erasing the memory of the secret most recently revealed.

I was finally returned to earth when I had finished the washing up. I awoke in a ditch several miles form my home, surrounded by mysterious empty bottles and with a bad headache from all the blows I had recieved.
(globalloon, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 12:19, Reply)

About a year ago....
i had a premonition that, in about a year's time, i'd still be sitting at the same desk doing the same shit, but hating it even more.

Sure enough, it's true!
(town, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 17:12, Reply)

I have a premonition that next weeks question will be better...



...only time will tell...
(Smoking Joe, Sun 21 Nov 2004, 18:16, Reply)

My friend's
Tamagotchi died mere hours, nay, minutes before the news of Princess Diana's death was announced. Coincidence?
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Fri 19 Nov 2004, 10:31, Reply)

Honest guv I weren't even there
When I was about 16 I worked in a hardware shop during school holidays & weekends. One evening I had a rather vivid dream about the shop being burgled. The next morning, walking in to work I bumped into the manageress. Walking along chatting merrily, I heard an alarm bell in the distance and joked that it was probably our shop as I'd dreamed we'd been burgled.

Lo and behold, get to the shop and it is indeed our alarm going off. Cue remarkable expression of horror / sudden realisation / uttter hatred on the face of managaress, and no doubt, an equally vivid expression of "oh shit" / "wish I hadn't said that" / "I'm about to befoul my underwear" upon my own face.

It didn't get much better, the culprits had evidently got in by kicking in a skylight window directly above a stockroom shelf which I had been up pissing around on the day before, kicking stock off for my workmate Greg to catch, with my footprints & fingerprints all over the place.

Shortly thereafter I found myself sat in front of some officers of her majesty's constabulary sobbing like a baby and desperately pleading that I really really really wasn't a burgling footpad with the audacity to turn up at the scene of the crime the next day and brag about my exploits.

I was only saved by the belated and spectacular realisation by the police several hours later that, although the skylight glass had been booted in, the metal bars underneath were very much intact, and as I was considerably less than six inches wide then neither myself - nor anybody else - had actually managed to get in.

And the manageress didn't even apologise. Hairy faced bitch.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 17:50, Reply)

Beat this
About 10 years ago i had a dream about princess Di and Jill Dando flying a plane, filled with newspapers declaring a war in the middle east, into the world trade centre which fell onto a rugby tour bus meaning jonny wilkison won the rubgy world cup for england, and then he told me he had sequenced the human genome which he had done to honour his dead mate john peel. weird eh?
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 19:11, Reply)

My dream
I had a dream about heaven.

I found it on the net, right here.
(daankenobi, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 16:30, Reply)

More of a dream than a premonition...
I once had a dream that I was back at high school, and Matthew Kelly had become the head teacher. Rather than get up to his usual antics (kiddy fiddling) he was killing people left, right and centre with a shovel! I was the only one that knew, and nobody else would believe me, but in the dream I had a premonition that Ian Rush would be the one to help me overcome this great evil, so I set of on a quest to find him. Never did find the bastard...
(Keiths Dad, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 8:53, Reply)

Well, never dreamed about 9/11 or Princess Di,
but the twin brother and I always know if the other one is in physical pain.
When I had surgery to remove an abcess on my breast - nobody except husband at the time knew as it was an emergency - twinthing called mum the next day to ask what was wrong with me as he had chest pains and had to sleep while he was working (it was the same time I was under anaesthesia).

Also, I knew when he split his head open as a kid as I had a pounding headache and refused to go into class until I saw my brother.

Also, right now, although we live 6,000 miles apart, we both got a cold the same night (Friday) and have started feeling better today. Although it is that time of year, so that's probably bollocks.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 22 Nov 2004, 2:27, Reply)