Too many times...something is very wrong with me
I don't know why I do these things, most of these have been with people I shouldn't have as well!

1. Behind a barn, my birthday, late birthday present from a skint mate.

2. The park I grew up going to....with the best mate I grew up with...of all people and of all places WHY?! That was one of the most fucked up days of my life. Childhood best friend and park are forever tainted.

3. The toilets at my local, that was same-sex. I've since worked out I'm straight.

4. Toilets in a club with then partner, had to stop when I got into a laughing fit at some of the graffitii...totally killed the moment.

5. An alleyway with an ex, in the car, while Donna Summer was playing on the radio, put me right off. Totally killed the moment again.

6. The kitchen at a friends house (Ryan I am SO sorry! I hope you wiped everything down after!) what a fucking liberty indeed.

7. In the back garden of my old house 5 YEARS AFTER WE MOVED...I still don't remember how we got there due to alcohol consumption. ANOTHER childhood place tainted forever. I didn't even live there!

8. The bathroom of my friend's house during a house party, they had only just moved in. Another friend I owed an apology.

I didn't realise how often I have done this until this question of the week came along.

Self-control should seriously make an appearance in my dictionary.
(trippeh, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 13:16, 3 replies)

The car bonnet
While courting my then wife-to-be, and now wife-who-never-should-have-been, we were limited for places to copulate, mainly by her still living at home with her parents.

This young lady was pretty reserved when we first got together but that soon changed.

I remember the night we left the pub and got into my car to head home, she had consumed enough alcohol to make her a little carefree and whipped my old man out, as I was driving, and got down to trying to suck my testicles out through my japs eye.

Fortunately one of us hadn't been drinking and, while I don't condone this dangerous driving, I managed to keep the car on the straight and narrow.

After a short way I saw a country lane, turned down it and found a gateway in which we could get on with the deed.

Now my car at the time was only very small and with her being 5'8" and me being 6'1" there wasn't a huge amount of room for serious lovin'.

What did we do? The only thing we could do under the circumstances. Picture this, if you can, a beautiful clear night around 10.30 (so nice and dark), her on the bonnet of my car, naked except for her boots, and me with her legs on my shoulders giving her some serious pounding, all this while still wearing my boots.

What an experience, polished the bonnet up lovely too......
(FF_Sam is currently on call...., Wed 29 Apr 2009, 13:16, 1 reply)

The ladies....
While in a "relationship" with a work colleague some years ago we nipped out to the local pub at lunchtime for a diet coke, a kiss and cuddle and to enjoy the summer sun. The kiss and cuddle in the beer garden got to the stage where I had to obtain some release before I'd be in a position to return to work.

She, in her infinite wisdom, suggested the ladies. The pub was empty and quiet so why not I thought. Off we went, into the ladies, into a cubicle and got down to it against the wall.

After a few minutes of frantic banging we heard the outside toilet door open so we both froze until we heard it open again, predicting that the person had now left the toilet. A moment later the door went again, this time the landlady's dulcet tones were heard saying "come on then, let's have you out"!

My lady friend, bless her, tried to brazen it out by saying she was just using the toilet and playing innocent, I was still going at it by the way, always hesitant to give up on a good thing.

The landlady was insistent that she (we) come out of the cubicle; we eventually did, very red faced (well I wasn't stopping till I'd squirted my dirt now was I?), and left the pub, never to return there ever again.

Great fun was had by all.........

First post, now back to lurking.
(FF_Sam is currently on call...., Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:53, 1 reply)

I once saw
a rather famous, short of stature, penguin looking, non identical-twin, actors niece getting gently fingered by her 'friend' in Manchester.

She looked a bit penguinesque herself, and her 'friend' wasn't that good looking either.

My outdoor experiences aren't really worth talking about.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:53, 5 replies)

In a tree
Damn well nearly fell out of the bloody thing which was situated right next to a very busy road.

Every time I drive past it, it makes me smile :)
(a5972s, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:49, 1 reply)

On the bonnet of a Fiesta RS turbo
A few years back, a girl I liked alot, let me give her one on the bonnet of my Fiesta RS turbo on the street right outside her house.

When I came to sell my Fiesta on, the guy who wanted to buy it suggested that the bonnet looked liked I had been bouncing golf balls on it.

It made me smile :)
(a5972s, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:47, Reply)

On your doorstep
Can't believe I forgot about this. I was at the ripe old age of 17 and still with a fully intact cherry when I was randomly invited to a party of someone I didn't really know.

At the party I started chatting to this girl and to cut a long story short ended up with fingers stickier than a chelsea bun. We were amusing each other outside the front door [in a porch bit] when she came out with 'you got any protection'. Now picture the scene, her wrecked, me soberish at 7 o'clock on a clear summers eveing in plain view of ALL the neighbours. I wish I could say at this point that I whipped one out [fnarr, fnarr] and that I then proceeded to copulate in true Spanky style, shagging like an olympic porn star on speed, alas no. I only said errrrrrrr no, shall we go back inside?

Seriousy why can I be such a fucktard, I might even have had an answer on topic!
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:37, 2 replies)

I wrote this earlier in the week...
..but it's taken me this long to finally make the decision to post it:

I’ve told the tale of Miami Actress before.

But I only alluded to this part of the story, because to tell it in full would have taken too long.

Halfway between Key Largo and Key West, on the same side of the road as you are if you are heading South is (or at least, in 2001, was) a large Sex Shop.

My sex crazed beloved decides that she wants to pay a visit, so we pull into the car park out front and out she hop.

Now, you know those long, wrap around skirts that if the breeze catches them the wrong way you can see a girls entire leg and if you have good eyesight (or imagination, I’m not sure which) that beautiful crease at the top of their inner thigh?

Well, she was wearing one of them.

And no underwear.

And she looked so fucking amazing striding across in the sun, breeze showing me her entire leg everytime she took a step that I was hard in no time.

As was all too apparent as my flimsy knee lengths shorts tented out in front of me.

My first thought?

‘I can’t go striding into a sleezy highway sex shop in the middle of nowhere with a far too obvious erection’

My second?

‘Oh my God, she’s already in there’

So in I went, struggling and failing to walk normally to find her looking at the ‘come on my face’ type videos.

‘I’ve got an idea’ she said

And off she went to the counter, leaving me, still standing proud in my shorts trying not to let the only other person on the store – a typically American looking muscle bound guy in shorts, sandals, tight t-shirt, goatee beard and baseball cap – catch my eye.

About thirty painful seconds later, back she comes with a handful of tokens.

Now at the time, I had never seen a video booth, so I had no idea what to expect* but was pleasantly shocked when she took me into a darkened tunnel and put some into my hand and pushed me into a booth telling me to ‘pick something nice to watch, I’ll be next door’

So I did, and in the booth next door so did she.

Now, I may never have seen a video booth at this stage in my life, but never let it be said I am not quick on the uptake. I looked through the letterbox typed slot on the wall to check she was there and quickly put my now painful erection through it, first into her warm hand, then into her soft mouth.

And then, while watching my video, I saw it, through the slot on the other wall, a hard dick of unknown origin. I tried to ignore it, but my glance kept getting pulled back.

So I did what any sane man would (n’t) do…I reached out and grabbed it.

It only took a few half hearted tugs for me to realise my heart wasn’t in it, but it was too late. He’d obviously been building up to it because just as I was letting go, a stream of spunk landed on my arm. Just as I had been sucked to the point of no return myself.

And that is how I wanked off another man while cumming down my girlfriends throat while watching a bukakke movie in a video booth in Florida.

Oh, and by the way, about half an hour later in the car, just as we pulled into Key West she looked at me and said…


‘So, did your friend enjoy himself earlier?’.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:13, 1 reply)

A Scarpe Public Safety Announcement
Thirteen year old boys.

When riding your bike alone through the woods and you get an unexpected hard on.

DO NOT try to have a crafty one off the wrist while still riding.

You'll go wobbly and crash into a tree.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:07, 1 reply)

Tramp Sex
Fellow QOTW-virgin Lampito has undone what 12 months of drinking and cynicism did to me - made me remember my ex-boyfriend, and a blunderful occurence of public secks from a few years back.

He lived in quite a nice area near the harbour, and had the fortune to have a massive back garden. It had enough room for two goalposts, two BBQs, a swing set, a climbing frame, the guinea pig hutch and the crowning glory: a twelve-foot trampoline.

At this point we were foreplaying it up in his room when all of a sudden we both looked out of the window, and obviously got the same idea (fools seldom differ, eh?). The fences around his garden were big enough not to traumatise the neighbours and I was wearing a big flowy summer dress, so holding each others' hand and giggling like schoolkids we headed for the trampoline.

Missionary first, which was fine and dandy and a lot more comfy than your average bedroom floor, then he insisted I get on top. Here you can almost see it going wrong.

It woud have been fine if the little shit hadn't decided that what I needed was a 'helping hand' and walloped the trampoline with his arms "to help me bounce better". I practically shot off of his crotch like a rocket, arced gracefully over the side of the trampoline and landed clear on my back right next to the guinea pigs, legs in the air.

I was obviously in a lot of pain and sat there crying a bit, while the bastard rolled around laughing. I think for me that was the beginning of the end there, I did start to hate him soon afterwards (didn't stop me shagging him though. Stupid, stupid Nectar.)

Appy polly logies for length - it's my first time.
(theneet began to cut her hair and long for balls, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 11:18, 7 replies)

PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T CALL ME...
A short while before I split up with my previous girlfriend, Emma, a wonderful thing happened. Something that cheered me up no fucking end.

I got a new phone. Fucked if I know what make or type it was, what with be being a bit of a technophobe; if somebody strikes a match near me I usually throw myself on the ground and start praying at their feet. But it was a little phone. It had FIFA footie on it. It was fucking perfect.

Emma and I are on the tube, hurtling down the Victoria Line, bouncing round the carriage wishing to fuck we had crash helmets and knee pads.

Its late, a week night, so its pretty damn quiet, we've got the end section of the carriage to ourselves. We'd been out drinking in a Turkish bar just round the back of Goodge Street and were feeling a little uninhibited.

Emma stokes my ear and starts rimming the lobe with her tonge.

"Gettoff!" I say. As I've found something interesting to do - I'm playing FIFA soccer on my new spangly phone.

Emma persists, she leans into me, watches what I'm doing for a bit, looks at the screen:

"Does that thing have a vibrate on it?" she says, giving my thigh a little squeeze, breathing hot beery breath down my lughole.

OOOOHHHHH!!!! I gettit!!!!

I glanced quickly round the carriage. There were a few other people about, but everyone was pissed and lost in their own thoughts. Fuck it.

I struggle with the phone, put it on silent, then set the alarm to vibrate and it purrs to life in my sweaty palm.

I look at Emma and with absolute fucking excitement and joy realise she's absolutely fucking wasted; completley shit faced. Yes!

ALCOHOL, I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

I put an arm round Emma whilst sliding the hand containing the quietly buzzing phone between her thighs. Her legs part slightly, she lifts up her skirt just enough to allow my hand under then places it back down. And I edge up closer to her sweet, hot, sweaty vag.

When I make contact with her clit she goes bright red. Her hand shakes a little as she strokes my face.

God, she's wetter than a penguin!

Fuck it, I think. She's probably gonna sobre up soon.

I gently pull aside her panties, play the phone over her love canyon like a weird kind of sex harmonica, and then I - very gently - push it up inside her.

And she swallows the whole damn thing, Rancor Pit style.

FUCK!!!

Emma's whole lower body starts shaking. She appears to be really enjoying it. Having lost my phone deep inside her cunt-tunnel, I wonder how the hell I'm gonna get it back. I slide my fingers up her, glancing round, trying desperately to grab the vibrating improvised ladywank device. No use - its too far in.

Then Emma grabs my arm tight, she kisses me deeply, and she comes with a little whimper, like a puppy being strangled.

Breathlessly she says: "Turn it off now, Spanky..."

I sort of laugh nervously: "Ermm, I don't think I can..."

"Whaddya mean? Spanky, please - I feel all tingly and I need to calm down a bit."

"Errr, I lost it..."

Then she said something fucking odd. She said:

"Where?"

"I think you know where... It was only small..."

"Oh, fucking marvellous!" said Emma as she appeared to be about to come again.

An angry orgasmic woman is a fucking weird sight. It just seems so fucking WRONG.

Emma stood, using the vertical bars for support - making sure no one was looking - she reached under her skirt and fished round in her fanny.

I have to say, it was fucking sexy.

"Its stuck!" she cried.

And it was.

And it was our stop next.

Eventually, after a bit of walking round Victoria station the phone fell out, plopping free from Emma's wet, dark, sticky cock warmer.

But only after a shedload of late night commuters and party goers thought I was accompanying a young lady who was suffering from the worst case of Parkinsons Disease they'd ever born witness to.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 10:55, 13 replies)

Young, stupid and stoned
Bit of a pearoast as I've been away for yonks...

We were young, we were in love.
We'd both lost our virginity to eachother and since then had been like two fucking machines going at it for months. Memories.
Anytime, anyplace was normally good enough. If we could smoke a big doofer before and after, all the better.
We done it in all sorts of public places, usually late at night or out of the way somewhere. Both of us living with parents made anywhere seem a good place to do it!
This day we'd gone over to the park after a couple of shandies and way too much weed (I think this was also the first day I ever smoked skunk).
We'd gone into the bushes to find some little out of the way spot and found a nice little area under a tree. We started snogging and groping eachother until we were on the floor starting to rip at eachothers clothes. She pulled out my cock and started to give me a blow job. I lay back to enjoy it with my hands up under my head (in classic style). On hearing a discreet cough, I looked to my right hand side to see a family eating a picnic. They were all staring at us in shock and the father was trying to cover his childens eyes who were fighting back so they could stare at my cock.
I nonchalontly tapped my gf on the head and made a 'lets go' motion with my thumb and we slinked away.
My gf hadn't even seen them.
That was about 20 years ago now and I wonder if those kids still tell a story about what they saw at the park one sunny day.

Also, I'm proud/ashamed (delete as appropriate) to admit that when I lost my virginity to this girl I was wearing a green, glow-in-the-dark condom that had been given to me as a joke. It was the only one I had left as I'd been so convinced that I'd never get any, that I'd used all the others I'd had as water-balloons.
(EvilMeister, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 10:50, 1 reply)

yeah yeah, industrial estate
I don't have anything as lurid as half the stories here i'm afraid, although i do have one that was notable because i refused sex, an event in itself

Don't worry, it's never happened since.

I was 15 and was meeting this girl, my first real girlfriend. After months and months of freezing cold frotting in and around an exposed industrial estate she eventually relinquished her mimsy. She said she was a virgin, but her wizards sleeve belied her attempts at modesty.

Unfortunately we had nowhere to go of an evening other than factory doorways and the occassional unlocked portacabin, which to be fair was more like a 5 star hotel under the circumstances. It was March and still bitingly cold, we had split up for a month or two and had met up by accident, so we decided to rekindle a few old flames, mostly the cock and fanny flames.

We started rubbing and fingering beside the partial shelter of a electricity substation..I released her young tittes and proceeded to worry them...when all of a sudden, everything changed.

The realisation that she had reasonably hairy nipples chilled me more than the icy wind that buffeted my rapidly shrinking cock.

I withdrew my attentions and tried to zone out by flicking her ample flange....she then suggested we fuck, well, begged to be fair. The combination of the hirsute mammaries and the windchill factor forced me to concede what just months before i would have strangled a dog for.

She begged some more, pleaded then cried a bit...i was having none of it. I was a gentleman however and never alluded to the hard on withering effect her hairy aerola had on me and instead blamed it on the icy wind.

Like all good News of the World reporters, i made my excuses and left. Left her standing there, frustrated and moist. I legged it down to the relative shelter of the housing scheme and never actually saw her again.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 10:18, 3 replies)

Hot Dog?
Not posted on here for a while, hope I haven't lost the knack.

Managed to pull in the smoking yard of Corporation Nightclub in Sheffield about two weeks ago. Things got pretty heated and I ended up gettin' sucked off in a quiet corner away from the crowd. The last thing I expected was two guys coming up and standing right next to us; one of them getting down on his knees in front of the other. Turns out they'd bought a hotdog from the cart outside and one of them had inserted it into his fly so his mate was copying the moves of my lady friend as best he could.

It is incredibly hard to concentrate on getting head when all you can see is two guys gurning like mongs and laughing their tits off. After what seemed like an eternity I was about to blow my load and at that exact moment I hear the shout of "You fucker you've bit the tip off"...that threw me over the edge and I pulled out of my lady friends moist oral cavity, bending over double and guffawing like only a drunk can!

...I was still bent over when I shot right into my own eye, yelped, fell forward headbutting the poor lass who promptly kicked me in the knackers and hit me with her shoe

Public Sex should come with a health warning

[apologies for any spelling/grammar mistakes. It's very late and I will amend it when I get a chance]
(Freak on a Leash is jerking off to centre himself on, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 4:34, 1 reply)

I've got nothing
to contribute, no wild public threesome or foursome mansex with Spanky, Pooflake, & Chart Cat in front of a whole nation of tennis fans, no bikini teams wanting VW bus sex, nothing. Even my threesomes have been relatively boring (compared to some of you here).

I feel so inadequate. I need to see my therapist now.

(I don't actually have a therapist. My problems were not adequate. I'm a qotw failure. Maybe I can start a 12 step program to allow me and other qotw failures to be true to our inner SpankyHanky).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 1:29, 6 replies)

Public.
On top of a jungle gym in the park at 8pm.
And then on the picnic table in the same park about an hour later.
With a person who was not my boyfriend.
It was good.

And one time I managed to get my ex to almost cum in the middle of the kids section in the library. This was too inappropriate and mildly concerning though.
(Dylanpants, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 23:45, Reply)

ahh centre parcs
Me and my boyfriend had just come out of a mud treatment in Centre Parcs and we decided to sneak into the Aqua Sana to chill out on the fur throw covered seats outside. Naturally things became a little heated under the fur and the lass next to us promptly left probably knowing what was going on, I ended up straddling him with fur around us and trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. As we were going at it I kept a look out through the floor to ceiling windows behind him, an elderly couple came out onto the balcony (not that it deterred us), to be honest they didn't really notice for the good ten minutes they were out there. They left and we kept going for about 20 mins, stopping because we had to go and meet parents etc.

Later that night after swimming we started having sex in the changing rooms, being quite loud regardless of everyone around us..then I heard a knock on the door "excuse me."
"shit"
*knock knock* "hello?"
"erm hello?"
"..is this yours?"
i recognized the voice straight away, it was my dad, my (very distinguishable) locket hanging over the side of the door..it must have dropped on the floor as we were getting out of swim gear..It turns out he was in the changing room next to us and he must have known that locket was mine ><.
(daeclya, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 23:44, 1 reply)

Coventry olympic swimming pool
In the 6'6" actually.

Gotta love county class swimmers!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 23:20, 5 replies)

Rawtenstall...
that is all...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 22:19, 3 replies)

Freshers Week
I was working for the Uni newspaper (big up to Team i!!) reporting on freshers week. (photographer hence the shit grammer/spelling/writing)

One night in the middle of 2000 people watching cheesy rubbish, there was a couple having a bit of finger loving with each other, cue 40 or 50 people forming a circle around them pointing laughing and cheering. Not that said pair noticed this at all. Then the uni tv station started filming the romantic moment, getting in all close for the money shots. Suddenly the the male part of the horny duo notices, says "Fuck off and stop watching, it's private", and then proceeds to turn 90 degrees and continue, as if no one could then see them at it , as he had his back to them, continues on for 3 minutes until the girl gets jelly legs, falls on the floor and he walks off.
(jmg123, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 21:54, 1 reply)

Here goes
This was a few years back. Although not too many years. Say about two. Me and the missus of the time were out with a few mates, having a good time. This being in the time before I quit drinking, we were both fairly tipsy. I sauntered off to the bogs to relieve myself of a few pints which had somehow accumulated in my bladder.

Coming back, I stopped off at the bar and procured some more amber nectar for myself and the male friends, and returned to my seat in the corner. The missus leans in close to me, and slurs in my ear, "Ghost, I'm starting to feel a bit dirty..."

Now what I've failed to previously mention is that the missus at the time likes to be licked. Anywhere, it doesn't really matter. It really turns her on. Makes her randy like a rabbit on viagra that hasn't had any for months. So I drunkenly lean in, like I'm kissing her, and instead lick her lips sneakily. She moans a little, causing our mates at the table to laugh and throw a few comments our way.

I lean back, and start to sup on my nearly-forgotten pint, and wait for things to cool down a bit. This does not please the missus, for she wants more and she wants it now. She's also very pissed now, and subtlety has never been her thing. So she plots her revenge very quickly, and walks up to the bar, and shouts out,

"I'll pay anyone a quid to lick me!"

At this point, a few blokes, slightly less pissed, amble up, and tell her in no uncertain terms that they'll lick her. So she gets the money out, and they lick her. She loves this, and moans. And then more people start joining in. I'm transfixed by this sight, too pissed to react in a coherent manner. It was at that point I decided things were over between us.

And that, ladies and gents, is my tale of Pub Licks Ex.

(apologies if bindun. And apologies for shittiness too.)

Click "I Like This" if you think it's really, really bad.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 21:54, 6 replies)

After reading some of these stories I have only one thing to say.


"For the love of god won't somebody think of the children?"
(radial head fracture, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 19:54, 7 replies)

was on an italian holiday....
just walkin along the beach one lovely sunny day minding my own business, when a nice man with a shaved head wandered over to me and asked if i would like to meet a "good girl for a good time?"being the young, free, willing man i was i duly agreed, and after being led behind a sand dune was greeted by the sight of a young blonde,(think she was english)large breasted girl on her knees surrounded by men in speedos furiously wanking over her(some where even pulling the poor girls hair),so i whipped it out and spuffed all over her face along with 15 or so other guys...i even think there was a guy with a camera there but cant be sure..
(norfolkngood, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 19:43, 1 reply)

It was a beautiful sunny day, the birds were singing and Sheffield Wednesday had won away from home.
My then-current partner and I, feeling mischievous, decided to partake in sexual intercourse with an audience present. Despite the intake of a not inconsiderable quantity of alcohol, our performance was enhanced by said audience and we had what turned out to be the most fun we ever had together.

Unfortunately, as a direct result, we are now both barred from Batley bus station.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 19:26, Reply)

Mate of mine lives in a terraced house with a low fence between them and next door
and as she uses the back gate a lot rather than the front door, she can see straight into next door's lounge.

The new neighbours have wasted no time making themselves at home. When my mate or her hubby come home from the shops or a dogwalk*, they often notice the young couple, doing what couples do best - coupling - in various positions in their lounge.

The new neighbours either haven't noticed or don't care that their lounge has curtains, and Mate and Hubby are no longer embarrassed. Surprising what you get used to.

*Seems a waste of time going out dogging when you can see it all in your own back yard!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 19:06, Reply)

Daggering
Mi deh a Chubby Dread memorial, rouna Southside and di selector seh mi mus hold har. So mi start dagger and she jus spin roun an bite mi. Mi bawl out fi di people dem hear mi. Di people dem seh mi mus hold on pan her, but she neva waan let mi go.
(LunarJim, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 18:56, 8 replies)

The year is 2005!
Slightly bonkers rock band System of a Down were playing the SECC in Glasgow, and several of my friends and I had decided to go. I'd been single for the best part of a year by this point, so when I turned up at my friend's house to find two very attractive, revealingly dressed rock chicks were tagging along with us, I allowed my hopes to raise a little off the floor that perhaps it was time I got back in the game (four years later, I can look back and..... well, cry, but that's another story.)

So off we go to the SECC, have a few drinks and go in to see the band. We were quite close to the stage and the gig was excellent, but on of the girls had disappeared, and of course it would have to be the more attractive of the two, wouldn't it. Hang on, thinks I, one of my mates is missing too.... just then, I spotted him coming back, and assumed he had been to the toilet. A few minutes later, the lovely young lady also returned.

It was about twenty minutes later that I noticed they had both disappeared again, and by now it wasn't hard to see that my mate had completely forgotten about his girlfriend who was even now sitting in their house waiting for him to come home. They both came back this time almost simultaneously, but in a sly move to throw us off the scent, they came in different doors. This might have worked but for the fact that the young lady was now without tights and, slightly more hilariously, was wearing her top back to front. We had a good laugh at them and my mate admitted he had just been caught knobbing the young lass to within an inch of her life in one of the curtained-off seated areas by a security guard.

As the night went on, we went to the Cathouse for an after party where, again, the two made themselves scarce.

In the taxi on the way home, we sat aghast as she noisily and quite obviously gave my mate a hand shandy in the FRONT seats of the mini bus.

Once we got home, we went back to my other friend's house, where they immediately sprinted upstairs, into my friend's son's room (who, thankfully, was at a babysitter's) and began the loudest, most frantic session of bonking I have ever had the misfortune to hear. We sat trying to talk over it for a full ten minutes before my mate ran upstairs, hammered on the door and shouted "HOI! I've got fucking neighbours you two, tone it down a bit!"

All in, we worked out they managed five times, which in itself is impressive without the added exertion of a heavy night's drinking and dancing.

The next day, I took him to hospital with a broken knuckle. It turns out, in an effort to impress the lady, he had punched a bus stop (I know, don't ask me). This was just after we left the SECC.

He'd managed to knob her three times with a broken hand.

That's dedication.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 18:43, Reply)

*gulp* Let's get this over and done with, then!
Hey – I’m not that longtime a lurker (only nine months or so), I just feel I’ve been meta-referencing this place long enough to finally take the plunge, as it were, and gently lower myself in and register. And hopefully I can find a story to fit this…

While my coital occurrences have been pretty vanilla (hotel rooms, friend’s dining room floor, more hotel rooms, student flats, did I mention the hotel rooms?), my other antics have been a bit more interesting.

I have given my ex-boyfriend a blowjob while in a bush, while his older brother did the weeding about 5 metres away. Also given this boyfriend a handjob at a packed gig and touched him inappropriately at his grandmother’s house. In the same room as his parents and grandmother, that is, but tucked around a corner. He did do a classy thing and finger his next girlfriend at a gig while she was on her period (leading to a lot of mess and mass deduction of man-points), so I think I had a lucky escape.

I have been felt up by my Ex while sitting just off quite a busy road in my home town, under the cover of a poncho. That was pretty fun, especially as a group of yoofs came and sat opposite mid-fingering. I hope they didn’t realize what was going on, though my red cheeks and huge pupils probably gave it away somewhat…

And finally, and most recently, I gave a guy a blowjob on a trampoline while one of his good friends was passed out at the other end of the garden, being attended to by paramedics. I have to say, the funniest bit of the whole affair was what he came out with afterwards (besides the obvious emission, of course); which was “Well done. Not meaning to sound patronising, but well done.” I felt like I’d got full marks on my homework or something.

So that’s it – as I talk about sex way too much, I thought it was an ideal question to break my posting hymen. Please don’t hate me for not being strictly on topic. Apologies for lack of amusement, for excess of length, for wasting your time. That was what sex with my Ex is like!
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 18:06, 11 replies)

Many moons ago...
…in the summer of 1992. The summer that was ruined by not being able to leave a house of turn on a radio without hearing Bryan Adams caterwauling ‘Everything I do, I do it for you’ (although maybe I was just pissed off because it stopped Sit Down being number one. Mind you, if I recall, it also stopped Right Said Fred, so maybe it was worth it).

Anyway.

Summer.

1992.

A youthful and exuberant Scarpe and his equally youthful and exuberant girlfriend are on the back seat of a National Express coach from Essex to the sunny climbs of…um...wherever it is in Lincoln that they have that Tulip Festival…from where she originated.

The plan was a weeks worth of unfettered sex away from our parents* at the house of a friend whose parents had foolishly entrusted her to look after it during their holiday.

However, as with all plans, last minute changes are made.

And our change was that, actually, we couldn’t wait until we got there to start our shag fest. A few pathetically inexperienced kisses, some clumsy fumbling and her penchant for too short skirts and a few minutes after pulling out of Chelmsford coach station (which, if rumours I have heard of her exploits after we split up could well be used to describe her fanny these days) she managed to manoeuvre herself so she was, facing away from me and I was somehow able to get the old chap inside her.

Now I would like to say that we stayed that way for ages, but I was 17 remember, so, sadly, it was a matter of two minutes, three if I am being generous to myself (and probably 90 seconds tops if I am being honest) before I spuffed my guff up her chuff.

She got off me.

I sat back. Contented.

Until, from midway down the coach a voice said ‘Christ boy, if you’re going to do that on here, at least do it properly’





*EDIT: I’ve just realised that makes us sound like brother and sister**, it would probably have been better phrased as ‘both sets of parents.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 17:58, 5 replies)

Public? Nearly
A few years ago me and the then g/f went to sunny Scarborough for a dirty weekend. Getting checked into our first floor room with a lovely seaview, we wasted no time in getting down to business with the thought of closing the curtains never entering our heads. It was only after we checked out and sat on a bench opposite our hotel room window waiting for our lift home that we realised anybody walking past would have a perfect view of everything, with free seating provided. Not sure if anybody did stop to enjoy the show, too late to worry about it now.
(supertommo, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 17:09, Reply)