DANISH TOILET DISASTER
A few days after I got back from the Roskilde Festival, Denmark, I went to visit my parents. They met me at the train station and my mum instantly noticed something:

“What happened to your tooth, Spanky?”

Now I’d already come up with a cast iron response to this one, something that would put her mind at east. Smiling back at her, a great gap in my smile where a tooth used to sit snugly, I replied as matter-of-factly as possible:

“I got jumped by about four lads when I was over there and they beat me up.”

Yep – that really put her mind at ease... but it was better than telling her what really happened. I mean, she is a devout Catholic, and if she’d known how my wining smile had turned into something you’d expect to see on the roughest of rough council estates, she would’ve smited me on the fucking spot.

And, thinking back, I was just pleased that my mum hadn't noticed the faint but very distinct smell of shit and piss that I just didn't seem able to scrub off...

So, lets go back to earlier in the week – Roskilde Festival, Denmark. Glorious sunshine. Loads of incredibly fit Danes looking like Armarni models (the boys and the girls – I’m not gay but I have to say I’d have been honoured if one of those blue eyed, blonde haired, hard bodied young men would’ve offered to rape me up the shitpipe).

One of the big acts on is David Bowie – woo!

I’m sat round, hallucinating slightly on account of all the lovely Tuborg I’ve quaffed, when word goes round. Bowie isn’t playing!

He’s had a fucking heart attack, the selfish cunt! So, instead, at very short notice, they’ve replaced Major Tom with a similar act –
fucking Slipknot.

Fuck me!

Loads of people were pissed off but I was as happy as a pig in shit. Fucking love Slipknot, me. Eventually they come out and I start throwing myself about like a mental patient on anthetamines. My mates disowned me on the spot for being an uber-twat. Lovely. Meant I was doing the mosh thing properly.

And then, after a damnright scary rendition of Wait and Bleed, I realised I’d gotten the attention of a gorgeous young lady. So young, in fact, I thought it would be impolite to ask her age. We danced together for a bit, she told me her name was Inger and offered me a swig of her vodka. Fuck me, she’s pretty, I thought, so pretty she could be in Playboy, not the usual Razzle Readers Wives hags I usually exchange bodily fluids with.

And the gig goes on. And Inger and I dance a bit more, make small talk, and finish off the quite franky fucking HUGE bottle of vodka.

And then Inger says: “I like you – do you want to go somewhere private?” In her stilted Danish accented English.

I felt like asking her: Have you had a head injury? I mean, you could do a lot better than me, love.

But I didn’t, instead I linked her arm and we went wondering off into the night. I considered taking her back to my tent, but I knew my mates would be there, getting stoned and shouting at the natives. Inger advised me she was sharing a tent with her mum and dad (don’t ask her age, Spanky, just don’t fucking ask).

After a little more aimless wondering, trying to find a secluded spot at a music festival with 100,000 guests, we realised it just wasn’t gonna happen.

“How about in there?” I suggested, out of the vein hope of getting aquainted with Inger’s cervix - I really thought my chance had passed.

But, to my suprise, she nodded enthusastically.

And we slinked into the smelliest, dirtiest four-days-into-a-festival portaloo you could imagine. It was the last one at the end of a row of evenly spaced loos. We chose it because it was one of the few that still had a door on it, the others having had them ripped off – (on that trip I discovered the Danes just love pissing and shitting in full public view).

When we’re inside I supress the gag reflex as the smell is overpowering. My eyes start to water. But Inger takes my mind off it my unzipping my fly and juggling with my testicles. The portaloo is a bit wobbly, obviously sinking into the puddle of shit and piss beneath it, and the floors slippery with piss.

“Hmmm, you like that?” she asks.

I nod, reaching up and having a quick go on her boobies, steadying myself by grabbing the walls of the loo.

“I want you inside me,” she says, and struggles out of her pants. In the confined space she turns round and starts stroking her arse on my rising cock. Well, being an English gent, I could hardly refuse.

I slid inside her and started stroking her love tunnel from the inside with my purple-headed love truncheon. Inger braced herself against the wall with her hands and bucked onto me with repetative and violent force. Fuck me, this is gonna be a quickie, I thought. If only so I can get back outside and breath some non-shit-and-piss-flavoured air.

But it wasn’t a quickie.

We didn’t actually, techinically finish.

As Inger bucked in one direction, grinding onto me with her lovely wet fanny, I thrust in the other...

...and we didn’t notice that the loo was rocking and swaying more and more with each carnal, dirty, filthy grind and thrust.

“Oooh, that’s good,” moaned Inger, as she bucked more viiolently than before.

And the loo toppled over in a weird kind of slow motion, it hit the next loo along in the row and knocked that over too, and the next, and the next.

BONK - BONK - BONK - BONK - BONK !!!

It was like a game of giant dominoes, only involving flying shit and piss, and moaning people who’d just been thrown off the crapper, and a couple at the far end who were – up until that point – enjoying a bit of harmless random stranger related nookie.

Inger landed ontop of me, I thought she’d snapped my cock off, it hurt so much. And her head slammed into my face, knocking out my tooth in a bloody mess. And then the sudden violent motion caused the floaty and disgusting contents of the loo to splash up and douse us. It was like being christened in a really hardcore Satanic church with a shit and piss fetish.

After a few moments panting, Inger clambered off me, pulled up her pants and jeans, and gingerly stepped out of the loo. In a daze I followed –

It was like a scene out of Apocalypse Now, only all the moaning, injured people laying prostrate on the ground were covered in shit and piss.

Inger and I took one look and legged it into the night... We parted with a curt “goodbye,” and I never saw her again.

And my mates made me sleep outside when I got back to the tent, on account of the stink which just wouldn’t wash off.

And that’s when I came up with the story to tell my mum – I really think it worked better than if I told her what really happened...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 9:48, 13 replies)

On The Big Breakfast Roadshow Stage
I'm sure a few people will remember the Big Breakfast but during the summer they also did a live breakfast roadshow. Coming back from the pub at 3am via Holyrood Park in Edinburgh we noticed it all set up for the next morning. So we jumped on the stage and got down to it. We actually set the alarm for 8am the next morning to watch Channel 4, with Chris Evans and Gaby Roslin on very same stage standing in our homemade map of Africa.
(ISignedUpToTalkShit but that was another QOTW, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 9:47, Reply)

Storming the Castle Biker Festival 2006
To the couple in the tent behind us:

Just because we can't see you, it doesn't mean that we can't hear you... Canvas is only marginally more soundproof than the walls of a council house, you know.

Half past four in the afternoon as well. And could be heard above the revving of 1500 motorbike engines. The latter is quite impressive when you think about it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 9:30, 3 replies)

Why living in Auckland is awesome ...
Every summer me and Mrs Mudskipper make a point of surreptitiously having it off while having a swim at the local beach. On a weekly or fortnightly basis. For the 4 months that the water's nice to swim in. And maybe on moonlit nights if someone's babysitting the kids at home.
(Apologies for incipient smugness, and lack of pathos and squalor)
(mudskipper, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 9:23, Reply)

Public sex, private remembered shame
God I was old when I lost my virginity. 19 to be precise. Anyway, it happened when I was working one summer in Chicago. Somehow, being from the UK and having the accent seemed to make me popular, especially with the daughter of an older co-worker.

I was working over there with the son, who was also my age, of one of my father's biggest customers, in an office that was part of the large plc he then worked for.

Myself and this other guy - let's call him Bernard, and say that in a French accent as he was French - shared a large motel room for the 6 weeks we stayed there.

Anyway, the first Friday night we were in Chicago, this co-worker arranged that her daughter (let's call her Lottie) plus daughter's friend should come round to our hotel room...the evening ends up with Lottie and I alone in a car...

...and cutting a long story short, after no flirting whatsoever, I end up being introduced very quickly to the new phrase "let's park up". Which doesn't mean - let's turn the engine off and have a discussion, apparently it means let's turn the engine off and I'll bare all before it's stopped ticking over.

This was in a cemetery car park. Classy.

We then get interrupted by the police. Nothing for it then but to go back to the motel, and fuck in my room, with Barnard asleep on the next bed (which thankfully was all of 10 foot away).

That would have been bad enough...did I say I was there for 6 weeks...this happened at the end of week 1...I then spent the next 5 weeks having sex with Lottie while Bernard lay on the next bed, watching TV. Yes, he never gave us any privacy...so what was a sex-mad (now I'd discovered it, what was I going to do ? Stop ?!?) guy to do...

I'd forgotten that slice of my past until this morning. Strange how QoTW brings back my most suppressed memories...

[EDIT]: Just remembered, when my dad visited that office some months later, he was offered it by Lottie's mother. Thankfully, he turned it down. I imagine he didn't have to share his hotel room with anyone, either.
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 9:13, Reply)

Got caught behind a nightclub.....
...during me earlier years I was an opportunistic scallywag, and if it was offered on a plate I'd pretty much eat my dinner off of it. One of my earlier run-ins with the ol' sex thing was with a dental nurse. We had met before, and she was keen to drag me away from the club.

Within a minute we've followed the road around the club and into a quiet spot just up past a taxi office. Just past this were a few garages with a bush across the front, giving us a little hiding place. Or so I though.

We drop our jackets on the floor and start going for it. I'm on top, happily pounding away (as you do) when something odd caught my attention. Was it the lovely young lady before me? Or possibly our surrounding garage and bush location? Or perhaps it was the fact that my arse was currently illuminated mid thrust by a spot-light? Yup, the ass of Jeccius was lit up like a Spotty at Texas Pete's KKK convention.

Unknown to us, the road leading up to the tax office and the garages had played host to a patrolling police car. One of which was leaning out of his window and currently shining a torch through the bush onto my love-derrière.

I turn around, and see the cop car. Steph (see, I remember her name, I'm not that much of a cunt), who was getting into the swing of things suddenly stopped and noticed it too.

The cop says "Hello?"
I answer "Oh just FUCK OFF please...." and Steph laughs.
The cop says "Oh, ummm...sorry." With that, he closes his window and the car drives away.

Awesome. Except we couldn't quite finish after that as we were too busy laughing. Ah well. There's always the next slag...errr week. Always the next week.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 8:49, Reply)

On a sun lounger
On the beach, in Gran Canaria. We were at one end of the stretch of loungers, while the sun lounger cleaning team worked their way towards us from the other end...

I hurried it along.

One thing I remember is that she was 18, because she had a necklace on which said so. All the proof I need.
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 7:35, Reply)

mama said
you can't hurry, love.
No, you'll just have to wait.
Love, don't cum, easy.

It's a game of give and take.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 7:27, 3 replies)

Always wear clean socks...
I met my girlfriend at Disneyland in California when I was travelling in the States last year. We had a great day together, followed by a couple of cheeky drinks and a romantic walk through the Disneyland Resort gardens and a spot of making out by wooden cut-outs of Disney characters.
As the night was coming to an end she said something like 'Right. We'll go get my car, find somewhere to fuck and then I'll drop you back where you're staying.'. Hard to argue with that..
We drove down a side street somewhere in Orange County, pulled over, climbed into the back and got down to business. Only problem was, since I'd been travelling for a few weeks, I had no clean socks left and I knew for a fact that as soon as I took my shoes off the stench from my feet would totally kill any mood that there was.
Ended up just leaving my shoes on, pants around my ankles so I couldn't really move my legs much, and fucked like a retard. Not my best work, but she seemed to enjoy it, and a year later (next week!) we're still together and have had much better sex since.

Quick couple of others..

In a concrete drain pipe between Hamilton and Tarington on Christmas day a few years ago. Drunk.
On the Dalesford Primary School oval during Mardi Gras. Drunk.

On the playground at the Port Fairy caravan park. Drunk.

Pigeon Park in Vancouver, while homeless people slept on the next bench. Very drunk.

A few more, but I don't want to admit to them..
(r0ach, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 6:51, Reply)

The first time I decided to see if my love of great outdoors could be combined with my love of fucking,
Was I...
In a beautiful, sun-drenched meadow, listening to birds sing as a gentle breeze licked at my exposed flesh?

Or was I in a grotty, needle filled park in January, opposite a train station and worrying about getting frost bite?

Did I tear my eyes away from my lover to stare at the bright blue sky and think the world a wondrous place?

Or did I look up to see a pissed up tramp swaying about in a near by bush, gurning away with a bottle of cider in one hand and his unwashed cock in the other?

I bet you'll never guess.
( wanderlust, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 4:55, 2 replies)

so many
my deflowering: on a footpath outside her house
lots of car
in a crowded pub: pissed MILF raped me
in a union meeting discreetly
in the crown casino, melbourne on a saturday night (handjob)
in the "magic Cave" (santa's workshop) in adelaide
in the ladies toilet at the salvation army sobriety centre, whitmore square, adelaide
several times on a buses full of retards
in the glenside psychiatric hospital morgue
for a bet of $50 to perform cunnilungus on a lady at carols by candlelight, elder park adelaide
in the stables at the royal adelaide show
in the kitchen at an in-laws party in liverpool where i had anal intercourse with my ex-wife and then shortly after in their backyard received oral sex from her sister my soon to be girlfriend (gives the term "ass to mouth" a whole new meaning)
at a co-worker's funeral

plus vast amounts at work, - I'm a nurse and without generalising, in my experience, the larger percentage of nurses are drug addled sluts - i've been doing it for 33 years and still today it amazes me how much fucking goes on in hospitals betweeen staff, particularly psychiatric hospitals. As a student nurse i lived in the nurse's home where the M/F ratio was about 40 to 1 + there was only one other heterosexual male there at the time.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 4:50, 1 reply)

A certain lingerie shop
has very nice changing rooms which have actual doors and cute little velvet sofas.
Unfortunately, now you have to ask an employee for the key when you want to try on something because college students kept using them for quickies.
I shall not mention the room that someone took a large poo in and left for the staff to discover.
However, I myself have done none of the above. I'm very vanilla. Read:boring
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 4:14, Reply)

Halfway up Mt. Wellington in Tasmania...
... myself and a fellow bushwalker sprung a young couple in the throes of presumably impromptu doggyness, as we laboured up the trail. I felt so awful. It was the middle of winter, on a week day. It was totally unpopulated, almost trackless wilderness. You can just imagine them thinking "there's no way anybody's going to come along. Let's just go for it".

My companion merely said "carry on" as they stood there, mouths agape, motionless, pants around bluish ankles.

This memory rather spoiled things for me and Mr. Lonelybadger in the Canadian Rockies. He was worried about bears, and I was worried about retards in recreational vehicles... or hikers, who might say something like "carry on, eh".

We gave it a couple of good goes, though, despite risk of frostbite.
(lonelybadger, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 3:22, Reply)

I'm actually fond of it!!!
The railway bridge by mine on the way back from a night out.
Parked car at the beach.
Sand-dunes.
Various churches (well, the grounds of).
Traffic Island.
My Garden.
Pub after I've finished work.
Club Toilets.
& thats just full sex! Miscalaneous rudeness locations include:
In a bar in the day-time.
Her mates kitchen.
Swimming Pool.

I kinda like it!
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 3:06, 1 reply)

Not Public, but also Not Private
Way back when the missus and I were first married (30 years ago!), we didn't have television. We didn't mind so much, we had many other diversions. Books, for instance. Every night at bedtime, I'd read to her for a while. Then, of course, we'd fuck like bunnies before sleeping.

I started with "The Hobbit", but she was somehow bored by Tolkein -- I know, massive character flaw, but what could I do, we were already married. I soon switched to the oddly endearing Alestier Crowley classic "Moonchild". This was apparently a hit, and all was well again.

Until the neighbors invited us to dinner. They were another young couple, although they had a few kids already. Their apartment shared a wall with ours, and we realized which wall when we said our goodnights.

They said they'd better hurry and get the kids to bed, they didn't want to miss Chapter 16. "I can't wait to hear how Lisa is doing without Cyril".

It quickly dawned on us that they could hear absolutely everything that occured in our bedroom.

So, not exactly public, but not really private enough, somehow.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Fri 24 Apr 2009, 2:19, 1 reply)

this one time
I'm getting my end away in a tent.
Which weren't really public, till some little scrot quietly unzipped the tent flap and started filming us...
( Captain Tripps is your taxloss lover from Liverpool, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 1:33, Reply)

I've never
Well to start with I've never had sex in a public place, given a few handjobs in various parks, woods and cinemas, but that's about it, but...

This concerns my friends - bored during frees and lunches at colleges, most days we played "I've never" for sips of water or Skittles. I hated this game because I could never think of anything, the upside was you learnt who you could get to drink for what, much to the amusement of those who hadn't played "I've never" with you before.

For example, one guy apparently had had sex is an empty Grundon, as well as on top of the statue in the park (the lion in Forbury if anyone knows Reading) whether he was telling the truth or not I have no idea, but still it was amusing!

Oh and to continue the game, someone once said "I've never quoted Monty Python during sex" as the most stupid thing they could think of, however, one guy had to drink to this having said "we'll take the foreplay as read shall we dear?"
(deadly_sinners, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 1:00, Reply)

A friend of mine
was on a rather long train journey with her boyfriend.

Being a young couple, they turned to each other and started enthusiastically trying to find out what the other one had for breakfast.

All this got them fairly riled up, and so, giggling slightly, they made their way to the toilets. Now this was one of those new trains so the toilets were fairly big and had that push button system with the revolving doors.

Things get pretty heavy, unperturbed by the lingering odour of industrial cleaners and strangers' shit, they start doing the bad thing. Thanks to a lack of space, and an aversion to covering themselves in other people's piss, they managed it standing up, the lassie with one leg on the toilet seat, bracing herself as her young beau gave her an enthusiastic chastity vaccine.

So enthusiastic, in fact, that in the heat of the moment, she moved her hands around in an attempt to stay upright, and accidentally presses the unlock button, and the open button. The door slid away, revealing them, like sweaty naked contestants on a game show, to the understandably shocked eyes of the little old lady who'd been waiting patiently to use the loo.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 0:42, Reply)

I'm actually pretty shy in terms of public spaces
so most of this sounds horrifying!

On the other hand, I live at the bottom of someone's garden in what is technically a glorified shed*, so they could walk in any time if they so desired!

"Oh. Uh, we just came in to get the wheelbarrow, but, uh, I suppose you two've got that covered. Right. You can pay the rent later..."



*a shed full of books and win
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 23:37, Reply)

Just a list, with the occasional explanation
With the first missus:

- Almost caused my own death on the Junction 16 roundabout of the M4 by fingering the missus and almost getting her off. Whilst she was driving. Always fun.

- Fingered her on the bed of the bloke I used to hate at school whilst she was housesitting for him and his family (They lived in the same village and so knew each other like that.) This was during the period of "Hey, you're not allowed full sex with me because I don't want to come off as a slut and easy because we've been dating for a month or two. Feel free to finger me as much as you like and I'll give you BJs constantly, though." - mad, mad girl.

- Tried full sex on an Arriva train down from Crewe to Newport. Failed on this, because the seating we had picked was one of those four-seats-with-a-table-in-between-them jobbies, and she wasn't some sort of mutant able to bend her spine into really awkward angles. Settled for fingering and a quick BJ though.

The second missus, aka the international one:

- Quick fingering in the Korean Grillhouse restaurant in Toronto. I managed to do this subtly, as she was sat next to me, and we were opposite two of her friends, and they had no idea. Had to go wash my fingers though in a lull in the meal.

The third missus, aka the mad stalker:

- Almost fingered her whilst on the side of the canal in Manchester. Decided not to in the end, to maintain sexual tension.

- Had a very quick shag whilst the house I was, and still am living in, was being inspected by the next load of inhabitants for next uni year.

- Quick fingering session by the River Dee in Chester, and again by the Chester canal.

As you can tell from these, I have a particular method I favour. I tend to be subtle, as opposed to brazen-faced and open, as it were.

Apologies for length, it's also in the method.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 23:30, Reply)

I don't like this QOTW
I want to know about your sex life about as much as I want the diseases than most of the posters probably now have
( SiX and his hat, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 23:22, 11 replies)

CUM FLY WITH ME
A few years back I had the great misfortune of spending a couple of weeks at Disneyworld, Florida - dodging the puddles of kiddie vomit whilst battling the armies of terminally fat and incredibly stupid fuckwits. And all this under a persistant, blazing hot sun that made your skin peel as effectively as bathing in paint stripper and using caustic soda as a skin exfoliator.

I still to this day experience fucking scary as fuck random talking-giant-mouse related hallucinations because of that fucking God-awful holiday.

But it wasn't all bad, I suppose - at least I can say with some pride I joined a certain club on my way to Shitsville aka Orlando.

At the time my ladyfriend was a girl named Vic. She was a little bit older than me, so I naturally called her Old Vic. We boarded the Virgin Atlantic flight at Heathrow and found our seats, took off, as you do, and settled down to six grueling hours of shit Adam Sandler movies on those annoying little TV screens.

Fuck that...

I decided to keep Old Vic entertained with my witty reportie instead. Unfortunately, she got pretty sick and tired of my endless being-inside-a-Virgin-related punnage pretty damn quickly.

Then they served us a meal. Ooohhh! And it was utter bollocks - but at least it passed the time.

Then I watched X-Men while Old Vic read a book.

Then I was officially bored shitless. And that's when the idea popped into my head. Fuck me, that's a fucking great idea, Spanky! I thought to myself. I tapped Old Vic on the shoulder, leaned close to her ear, and relayed my great idea.

She looked at me to see if I was being serious and said a very curt: "No. Not gonna happen."

And that was the end of that.

But I'm a persistent little cunt, so I kept up with a little gentle nagging, I even came up with a list of plausible reasons why it would be a great thing to do, I whined, I may even have done a little quiet sobbing at one stage. Anyway, after nearly two hours of this Old Vic eventually relented.

"Oh, go on then!" she said. "You go on ahead and I'll follow you in a few minutes." and she stowed her book away.

I was shocked: "You being serious?" I asked.

She nodded: "Go on," and she motioned for me to fuck off. "Before I change my mind."

And I was off and out my seat faster than puke out of a bulemic.

Excited, I almost sprinted down the isle, found a nice quiet place out the way, and loitered waiting for Old Vic to turn up.

And she did. "This one?" she asked, looking round to make sure the coast was clear. It was, so we scurried quickly inside and closed the door.

And there was no fucking room to move.

"Err, how are we gonna do this, Spanky?" Old Vic asked.

I thought about it for a couple of seconds. "Let me squeeze past you so I can sit on the shitter, than you can just sort of lower yourself down onto me..." and I wheezed and panted into position, edging slowly past Old Vic's rather ample tittage.

Fuck me, aeroplane toilets are fucking tiny.

"Are you even hard?" Old Vic asked as I started to pull down my trousers.

I looked down, grabbed the floppy fella and gave him a quick tug. "No - but I soon fucking will be!" And true to my word, as I sat uncomfortably on the bog, watching Old Vic hitch up her skirt and pull her knickers to one side, I got just about hard enough for a spot of honeypot-holing.

Old Vic lowered herself onto my weapon of masturbation and, what with the excitement of joining the Mile High Club, I spaffed almost immediately.

"Is that it?" she asked, sound a little pissed off. "Was it fucking worth it?"

I grinned back at her: "Shit, yeah! I mean, I came!"

And then Old Vic, squatting pecariously over me, skewered on my dick, attempted to stand -

- only she couldn't.

There wasn't enough room for her to move her legs and stand back up, instead she just sort of splayed onto me.

"Oh, fuck, Spanky!" she whispered urgently. "I'm fucking stuck!"

I chuckled...

"NO - I FUCKING MEAN IT!!!" Strange how she managed to whisper and shout all at the same time.

"I'll try and lift you up," I said, clutching her waist and using all my strength. "Shit, it's no good. I think your arse is jammed against the door and the sink..."

"Fuck," said Old Vic. "What the fuck are we gonna do???"

"Let me think about it..." I said, thinking about it, feeling my soft cock plop out of Old Vic's love chute and my cum dribble out of her vag and pool into my pubes and over my balls. It felt cold.

I was, officially, no longer feeling sexy.

Instead I was thinking desperately of a way for us to get out.

After nearly ten minutes Old Vic says:

"My legs have gone dead - you can't think of anything, can you?" I shake my head glumly in agreement. Old Vic continues: "Shit - neither can I. Ok, here goes.... HELP!!! HELP!!! HELP!!!"

Oh sweet mother of fuck and all things fuckable!

Eventually, after a few more "HELPS!!!" One of the stewards came to our rescue. He pulled open the weird slidy door thing and peered inside and nearly pissed himself laughing.

"Errr, hello...." I said.

Thankfully he was a professional. "Can I be of any assistance?" He said.

Moments later he'd reached forward and lifted Old Vic off me by grabbing hold under her armpits. He looked down at me, sitting as I was on the bog, my pants and trouser round my ankles, my sleeping cock-monster and pubes covered in globby splats of cum.

"Do you need a hand, Sir?" he asked.

"Err, no thank you - I can handle it from here..."

When I returned to my seat Old Vic was sitting there, bright red with rage and embarrassment. She told me we were lucky not to get arrested. I apologised, explained that I realised it was terriably embarrassing, but on a brighter note we HAD joined the Mile High Club...

She threatened to rip off my testicles and beat me to death with um.

An hour or so later we landed in Orlando and did the fucking awful package holiday thing.

And on the return flight two weeks later, I endured the terrible torment, the torture, the indescribable pain, of having to watch back-to-back-to-fucking-back Adam Sandler movies...

I think if I so much as moved or even attempted to speak, Old Vic would've twatted the fuck out of me.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 22:40, 9 replies)

A couple of others
At the back of this field several times
53°46'55.47"N 0°18'18.66"W

Down this alleyway nearly everytime I walked mrs Svla to the bus stop when she visited me back when we were childless and unmarried.
53°45'3.13"N 0°18'58.53"W

And in this garage attached to a partially completed house when the area was still a building site.
53°44'32.72"N 0°18'33.67"W
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 22:12, Reply)

Public sex
Toilets in Clubs, check
Park, check
Cars, check
Ambassador's residence in Dar es Salaam, check, during cocktail party, check, caught, and was given the "Sent to Coventry" treatment by the prudes and laughed at their faces.
Roof of office: check
On the beach/in the warm Indian Ocean: Try leaving the sea with a hard-on.

I have to say the only person who caught me killing kittens was my mum.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 22:06, Reply)

At Kilnsea
On 23 Jun 05, me and Mrs SVLA went for a drive to the coast on a rather hot day. We parked up, and walked along the clifftop and after quarter of a mile, we sat in the grass here:

53°37'0.18"N 0° 8'33.07"E

It wasn't long before we were into the heavy petting stage and I suggested she lay on her side and we shag in the spoons position so I can keep an eye out for passers by.

Eventually, we finished and headed back to the car. It was then that the small hillock in the grass where we were sitting was very visible from the carpark which, as it was very close to Spurn Point nature reserve, was usually populated by people with binoculars.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 22:02, Reply)

Aah....the memories
A good many years ago when I was in my mid 20's, I started seeing (behind my then Girlfriend's back - tut tut) a woman of "maturing years" who worked with one of my closest friends. She had two kids, husband that didn't care and obviously wanted what she wasn't getting at home and my god, she "knew her onions" !

Obviously, with a girlfriend at home and a hubby at her house we had to make do with various secluded spots around Aberdeen (for that is where we both live)....

There is a rather quiet city centre car park which, for those that know Aberdeen, is just along from the Gallowgate College, so off we head in my car, find a secluded spot at the back of the car park which was quite full for that time of night, so we could park and "hide" in between a number of cars and therefore not look so obvious !!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we get down to business in the back of the car and things were going very, very well indeed and all I remember to this day was the sight of her on top of me in the back seat of my car, "going to town on Wooz" as the Church above us opened it's doors and around 60 people poured out into the car park...

The amazing thing was that as people walked to their cars, including the ones on either side of mine, she wasn't once put off her stride, but the sight of a number of silver haired old ladies trying to look the other way as a MILF rode this young lad into the ground will live with me to my dying day !!

Good times !! :-)

Length....it seemed longer when I was in my 20's !
(Woozles loved your mum in Emmanuelle, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 22:00, Reply)

Some roasted peas
If you have Google Earth, fire it up. In the "Fly To" box, paste these lat & long coordinates into the Fly To box.

53°47'17.05"N, 0°18'3"W

Or alternatively, use Google Maps, but you'll have to switch to 'Satellite' view.

Right, see that field? See the cycle track on the other side of the trees, the trees that are particularly thin there?

Well, on a hot sunny afternoon in the summer of 1990, Mrs SLVA( at the time my girlfriend of just over 6 months) and I plonked ourselves down on the grass there, which led to me laying over her and having a lengthy snog (as you do when you've not been going out for very long), as that's what the hot sunny weather does to you.

However, we decided to take it further. She raised her skirt a bit and moved her knickers to one side, I unzipped and we full sex.

Nothing exposed because we were in the classic missionary position. But all the same, I quite blatantly thrusted away for a good 30 mins. Now, being only 17 and probably only the 5th time I'd had my wicked way, 30 mins sounds like a long time, but I did manage to discharge the mutton musket a good 4 times.

Anyway, that aside, this all sounds lovely and passionate but we weren't alone. It was the middle of the afternoon. On a playing field. Every so often people would cycle by, with us humping away in clear view through the trees.

Not 50 yards away was a group of 12-14 year olds playing cricket. In the middle of the field, about a dozen kids were having a kick about. Some kids had a frisbee. In the far corner, someone had a kite. A guy with two pet dogs came past us through the gap in the trees. It was a busy field.

Did we care? Did we hell. We were shagging in the sun and couldn't give a damn if anyone guessed what were up to.

However, it's a different matter now. Nowadays, we can't begin to comprehend how we had the audacity to shag like rabbits in broad daylight.

Happy days
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 21:45, 1 reply)

The best one though...
...was with the same girl. (She was a dirty cow. I really miss her.) We were in a bar on Manchesters Canal Street (Where all the poufs hang out) during Mardi Gras. Dont remember what bar specifically as we were both monumentally pissed but it was absoloutly choca-block luckilly we managed to find ourselves a couch so me, the ex, my mate Neil and his roomie Graham are all sat around a little coffee table in the corner of this packed out bar and for whatever reason (she didnt really need one) she started undoing my jeans and pulled out my cock, leant over and started sucking on it! I really have no idea why nobody (except my absoloutly shocked mates) payed the slightest bit of attention whatsover. Must happen all the time in there. I do rememeber I didnt finish though.


EDIT: I still have some videos of our time together and I'm considering auctioning them on b3ta. Any takers?
( P3L3 is not my real name., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 21:39, 2 replies)

Pretty Vanilla Really...
...I Was in Ibiza with my ex and after a hard nights clubbing we were making our way back to the hotel, I pointed out the sun would be up soon and we should watch the sunrise as is the tradition on the hippy trail (along with applause! whats that all about?). We sat under a tree on some wasteland that looked like it had been cleared to build a hotel on, chilled out, smoked some weed and generally lazed about fiddling with each others peripherals until it all got a bit beyond petting. This degenerated into a full blown shagging session which started to take its toll on my knees so I pulled her up from the ground and started taking her doggy style up against the tree. A min or two later as im getting to the vinegars, two lads are walking past the clearing (obviously unsuccessful on the pull), then to my horror one nudges the other, indicating our direction and they start walking over to where we are shagging away! What did they want? Did they see us?
As they get closer Im still pumping away at her arse while thinking what do I do now? Withdraw and spunk all over their shoes? Ask them to hold on a tick and I'll be with them in just a moment? All I could think of as they approached was to say "Sorry fellas, party for two". They shrugged their shoulders and walked off without a word.

EIDT: Seeing how everyone else did It, heres a link to google maps for the "rough" location.
maps.google.co.uk/maps?q=google+maps+ibiza&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&ie=UTF8&hl=en&ll=38.982131,1.298093&spn=0.003182,0.006974&t=h&z=18
I found the big egg in san an and worked my way back to where our hotel was, how cool is that? :D
( P3L3 is not my real name., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 21:30, Reply)

Hot tub
at a crowded Holiday Inn pool.

It was hot, it was summertime. "Let's go for a swim," said my then-girlfriend. No problem, we lived near a resort lake.

But no, she wanted to go to a swimming pool. Damned if I understood why chlorinated water beat a lake with sandy beaches, but meh. So off we went.

Swam around for a while, then she wanted to hit the hot tub. I'm not a big fan of hot tubs - you just sit there and are wet. I find them kind of boring. So we're sitting next to each other, and somehow the kissing leads to the fondling leads to the trunks down / swimsuit pulled aside and she's on my lap.

Of course in a hot tub, the froth from the jets makes it too blurry to see through the water so it wasn't super obvious (I assume). But for some reason this particular hot tub had a manual switch to put the bubbles on, and it only ran for a couple of minutes at a go. You had to keep getting out and flicking the switch. Four flicks worth of sex in a hot tub with three strangers in it along with us. She kept jumping out to re-bubble us, then jumped back in and on to my lap. Yes.

Afterwards, we locked ourselves in the women's change rooms and finished off there on the floor. Oddly, nobody tried to come in to change during that whole time, but it was apparent to all sixty people in the pool that I'd been in there with a woman. Ah well, it's not like I knew any of them.

Also, same girlfriend, once went out to some property that me and a partner (business partner) were going to develop into a paintball course. His family had 250 acres just sitting there, so we'd surveyed a 55 acre piece of it, and I thought this would be a good place to go when my gf decided she "wanted to do it in the snow".

Drove up, found a bit of a clearing, spread a blanket, and got down to business. It's not actually that fun, really. I don't mind cold, and she was pretty good with it as well, but cold ground + cold snow on your bare skin and gusts of wind just sort of pulls the lust from you.

That, and the group of wandering skidooers that first started buzzing us, then ended up circling us like noisy motorized sharks until we pulled on the clothes and got back in the car.

Different girlfriend, still lovestruck because she'd never lived with anybody before and was sort of in the adoring puppy phase, decided she wanted to give me head while I was driving.

Of course, it was along a highway and she's incredibly clumsy. She managed to get her head stuck under the wheel at least twice, and every time I so much at touched the brakes to slow she seemed to feel that clamping her mouth down was a necessary bracing action.

She also learned she didn't have a lot of luck suppressing her gag reflex.

And finally, not a girlfriend but a coworker whom I'd met about a week previously... I was working as a carpet cleaner for a while, and she got hired to do "general cleaning", although I think the boss just hired her because she was hot.

We were in an office block, seventh or eighth floor. I was methodically steaming cubicle after cubicle, and she was doing whatever she was doing. It was a Sunday afternoon, hot, and we were both bored.

So I had her in an office up against the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city. I remember thinking at the time that the windows were certainly reflective, like the ones I could see across the street, but later while I was packing up the truck I noticed that I could see clearly into the windows of the building we were just in. Oops.
(Ejaculantern was caught desecrating pumpkins on, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 21:26, Reply)