I don't have a penis
but I'm willing to borrow yours.

Just as long as you remember I've got a minimum requirement of 12 inches, and thats just the girth.
(Save Us All !!!, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:38, 10 replies)

Hmm, pearoast time
Whilst home alone of an afternoon, I like to create increasingly more contrived methods of automating masturbation.

Mainly because I'm a lazy bastard tbh.

Anyways, after various experiments with powertools and anything I can find about the house, the missus and I were doing some serious redecorating so we hired one of those paint-shaking machines. The sort where you clamp a paint-tin in it and switch it on and it oscillates vigourously, and saves you having to stir it manually. Something along the lines of this.

Anyway, wife goes out and I go searching the house for parts to make a machine-penis interface. I fabricated something with a few layers of felt, rubber bands and gaffa-tape.

I started the machine, it was perfect. So I laid on the table next to it, got into position and set it going at about 60%.

Well that didn't take long, maybe 12 seconds. I'd struck gold in wanking efficiency.

Within maybe just over a minute, I'd cum 3 times and things were getting sticky. So I reached for controls, but in my ecstacy the machine had shuddered out of reach.

This was worrying and as I scrabbled around looking for something to cut the power with, pull the plug out, anything. It didn't make it easy the fact that I cum two more times.

I was getting light-headed and was beginning to get distressed, though this was regularly punctuated with climaxes which were producing less and less fluid.

After maybe ten mins, I lost count at about 23 or 24. I lost track of time, but when my missus finally came in and rescued me I calculated that I'd been hooked up to it for best part of an hour and had probably orgasmed maybe 40 times. I looked like someone had glazed my abdomen with a dozen eggs.

The muscles behind the penis-root ached like hell. I now have groin muscles like Geoff Capes' biceps and when I shoot my load now I can hit the far wall with it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:35, 3 replies)

Penis Shame

My penis is my friend and ally
I love him very much
But he doesn't get the luxury
of another humans touch.

I keep him in my trousers
He fits in there just fine
He hasn't seen anybody else
He's mine and only mine

I stroke him in the morning
underneath the quilt
for 30 seconds of ecstacy
and then three hours of guilt

I sit at my computer
staring at my flies
I have no penis stories
So the others must be lies

My penis brings me shame
because I cannot give him sex
but at least I know I'm just
A mouseclick from XXX

Maybe I should go outside
get some fresh air,take a walk
maybe meet a real person
and stop posting on b3ta /talk
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:34, 2 replies)

Dogging with Moses
Been deliberating if I should tell this one...

Oh, well. Fuck it. Here goes -

For a heterosexual fella I've seen far too much cock in my time.

What with playing sports and general arsing about, its only normal to see your mates meat and two veg... (well, I hope it is anyway), flapping about mere centimeters from your face. Though I can swear now in all honesty I've never ever once touched another man's penis. Not when I'm sobre, anyway.

One night when I was living with my mates Ben and Ian, Ian was on the sauce and was absolutely hammered. He always was a fucking lightweight. We got him home then settled down to watch some TV, leaving Ian to fend for himself. We heard him upstairs thumping round. Then we heard him thump down the stairs and hammer about in the kitchen. He was making an awful fucking racket. Our dog, Moses, was barking like he had rabies. Loads of noise.

Then it suddenly went silent. Then Ian screamed. A shirll, girlish scream.

Ben and I rushed into the kitchen to find Ian, stark bollock naked, with his arse lodged firmly in the front loading washing maching. Moses was sat obediently infront of him, wagging his tail.

"Err, what are you doing, Ian?" I enquired.

He tried to fix his eyes on me. He grineed a toothy grin: "I've just had a shit!" He proclaimed. Then he looked nervous: "and now I'm stuck..."

The cunt! Ben and I stood on either side of our drunken housemate, took an arm each, and pulled. And Ian came free and twatted his head on the opposite wall. Fuck Ian, I thought, as he lay on the ground moaning.

I peered into the washing machine. Yep. A great steamy runny beer shit had been planted messily inside.

"I wondered what it would be like to have a shit on the space shuttle," Ian offered as way of explanation.

Ben and I were not happy. Not at all. We took the drunken fucker outside and hosed him down. Ian had managed to smear shit all up his arse and back.

After more girlish screaming, we chucked him on the sofa to let him sleep it off.

Ben put the washing machine on a hot wash to clean it, and appeared in the living room with a can of squirty cheese and a camera.

"We've gotta get some shit on this cunt," he says. And I tended to agree.

So we set about squirting a nice healty dollop of processed cheese over Ian's prostrate sleeping form. Spending more time than was really necessary covering his nads and cock in the gloop.

Then we started taking photos.

Oh, what fun!

The one thing we'd forgotten about was our dog, Moses. Now, Moses was particularly partical to squirty cheese. He padded past us and proceeded to give Ian one of the best blowjobs he'd ever had in his life, judging by the contented noises eminating from Ian's throat and the silly smile on his semi-conscious drunken face. Ian's cock was standing proud, covered in yellow goo and attached to an eger dog's tongue, but proud all the same.

Ben and I glanced at each other, wondering if we should stop this man-and-beast live sex show.

Well, we did. Eventually.

But only because we ran out squirty cheese.

And for his birthday that year Ian got a copy of the Crufts annual.

He had no fucking idea why...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:10, 6 replies)

Closet?
If I said, that might be considered as coming out the closet. But, as they say in the navy, "any port in a storm".
(badbob82 actually has mates called Rex and Wendy, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Not me as much as this guy...
I suspect he might be ashamed of whatever he's doing here.


( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:08, 4 replies)

It's only a sausage.
What? It’s just an organ. I don’t know why people anthropomorphise the penis. It’s just a bit of skin, flesh, and some tubing. We urinate with it. We procreate with it. We sometimes draw a picture on a child’s face with it. That’s it.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 16:01, 1 reply)

What no puns?!
Thank god!
I'm going to give this QQTW a great big hug.
C'mere you... Mmmmmmmm.....

Hang on, this is all about dicks isn't it?
Feel a bit wrong now, might need a shower.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:59, Reply)

A few years ago
whilst being "excited" with a lady-friend we were both laying down in bed, rather naked, and using the power of the pelvic thrust tried to re-enact a nativity play, with a hanky wrapped around my member pretending to be the "Virgin Mary". Doing pelvic thrusts to make it look like it's looking around while speaking in a high pitched voice "I hope there's room in that inn..."

Good times...
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:40, Reply)

I used mine
to piss in the 'special' shoes of the Church organist.

The ones she used when she played the organ, that she left behind, beside the organ.

Not for a moment thinking that anything, or anybody could molest these innocent plimsoles.

Especially not under the watchful, omnipresent gaze of God Himself.

In his own house no less.

I'm sure she would have played a few damp chords that Sunday








...and no, she wasn't in them at the time.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:39, 1 reply)

Not me, but I was there to witness this.
But that doesn't stop me being ashamed of my good friend Steve (Name changed to protect the guilty (OR IS IT))
You see, Steve (or not Steve) is a lifeguard at the local swimming pools, and me being a good friend with him, means that I can hang around there as much as I want. It comes t oa Friday night, time for a night out, he has a staff meeting to go to, so I sit in and wait for him, I'm in the viewing bay, he's swimming about, about 8 other people in the room, the majority of them are of the female persuasion.
Said people are sat at the poolside, waiting for the big boss to arrive, when Steve disappears underwater.
He emerges a few seconds later, in the shallow end, a metre or two away from the congragation, Pants down, ball sack out, scrunched up with one hand, other hand (Barely) over his penis, he emerges from the water and screeches "THE BRAAIN" at the top of his lungs.
Everybody yells, I fall off my chair in hysterics.

He doesn't work there anymore.
He also hasn't lived it down.

Length? I can do half of one underwater.
(annhialus hasn't had an accident since, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:34, Reply)

I let mine sign up for a b3ta account
so it could go on /talk

I'm ashamed because it came across as smarter, more eloquent and less puerile than most of the users on there.

It did however do well at jumping on a bandwagon and doggedly hanging on, despite the original not being in the least bit amusing. It got to the point where it was cruelly flogging the horses pulling this bandwagon until they were near flayed to nothingness, bloody carcasses slowly dragging the bandwagon along and smearing the visceral trail they left behind.....

edit: this post is in no way associated with, or endorsed by, Kaol
(The Stalker's Stalker For all your stalking needs, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:34, 19 replies)

"Female b3tans may need to improvise"
.
Ladies, I expect freeform jazz penis.
.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:32, 3 replies)

This one is already buried somewhere in an OT thread, but I thought it was appropriate to this QotW...
(To the tune of Robin Hood):
Morning wood, morning wood, waking in the morn,
Morning wood, morning wood, with a raging horn,
Hand down your pants,
Roll back the hood,
Morning wood,
Morning wood,
Morning wood, morning wood, find yourself a hole,
Morning wood, morning wood, any one's a goal!
Use all your girth,
Thrust back and forth,
Morning wood,
Morning wood...
And so on ad nauseam...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:23, Reply)

Thanks to strap-ons
my lady friend doesnt need to improvise
( wjh31, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:22, 2 replies)

I think this may be illegal
But I'll tell it anyway. About 18 months ago my bestest mate in the whole wide world got married. I've known him since we were about 5 (15 years or so) and I obviously know all his family quite well. Anyway, at said wedding I - being half Scottish, and wanting to pull - was wearing a kilt. Before I go any further, I should say my mate has 4 younger brothers. The youngest, J, was born when I was about 11.So. Back at the hotel for the wedding reception after a genuinely lovely service, I start knocking back whatever booze I can get my hands on. Most of the night is a bit of a blur, apart from two very vivid incidents. The first, my mates grandmother sticking her hand up my kilt then saying "You're a lucky boy" and giving me a wink. The second? Flashing J. He was 15 at the time. Luckily, only one other person saw, and I think (hope) that I'm the only one who remembers.




Length? At least 5 years, and having to sign the paedo register.
(Barry Chuckle's Moustache, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:17, Reply)

NSFW
Not safe for anything, ever.

www.b3tards.com/u/b138a64b4f5ce34842cc/cock1.jpg

It's titled 'Hitlercock and GIGANTACOCK take on the mighty Mechacock'. Some day I'm going to make a film about it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:16, 8 replies)

I don't think I've done anything that I'd be ashamed of
Maybe I have no shame, maybe I'm boring? Anyway, I do have a tale with a tenuous link.......

Way way back when I still lived with my parents ( I must have been what? 19?) We used to have a window cleaner. He managed to break his arm somehow, and his wife took over. She was a kind of no-nonsense woman, and my family where on decent enough terms with her and her husband.

Anyway, it's summer, and I've forgotten that the windows even get cleaned, let alone that they're getting cleaned in the morning. So I wake up, stark naked due to the fact it's summer, sporting the traditional morning wood and stumble over to get my clothes, passing the window. I look up, and there she is, cleaning my fucking window. Our eyes meet, breifly, and she looks away long enough for me to recoil in terror and grab my clothes and hurredly dress.

I wait upstairs untill I reckon she must have gone, and head downstairs. I walk past the open living room door, rolling a cigarette as I go. And the window cleaner is standing there, chatting to my mum. Again, she catches my eye and I feel probably more embarrased than I've ever felt before! So yes, not a great story, granted. But it's as close to feeling ashamed about doing something with my penis as I've come.

EDITED - at Porkylips request. Imagine a jaunty Ukalele tune playing in the background. It helps.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:15, 7 replies)

And another one from bash for you all, before someone tries to claim it as their own....
www.bash.org/?670375
(username1, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:14, 1 reply)

Quite dull, but...
...I was in my local back in the days before it had shut down and beer was affordable.

At the time I was shagging a somewhat famous British actors' grandaughter who lived a fair distance from me.

One night in the pub I get a text message asking for a picture of "junior patrick" (sadly, not quite the same size).

So, I duly toddle off to the bogs, sit down and start working him into a state where it would be worthy of taking the picture.

Once standing upright and in full glory, I take the picture, and send it over to her.

A few hours later, it's my round again, and so I go to the bar without my phone.

My cheeky fucking mate and his girlfriend decide to pick up my phone and go through my messages - and yep, there I was in full glory.

...which was then blue-toothed to all an sundry in the fucking pub.

Thanks mate, I owe you one.


Length, not quite a 'junior patrick' and small enough to be photographed in it's entiretly by a small camera phone :-(
(dchurch bah, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:10, 5 replies)

To complete the triumvrate of my willy humilation.
As a student I had the fortune to spend hours in a pub (The Queen of Hearts, which has been mentioned in a previous answer) in the company of one of the hottest women I have ever known.

She was stunning.

Truly.

We drank, we laughed, we talked, we separated from the group and were in our own little world.

We took some drugs, we laughed some more, we bonded.

I was *in* and I knew it.

We drank some more, we took some more drugs.

She went to the bar.

And she didn't come back.

For ages.

I looked over the balcony to see where she was and she was stood, cornered against the wall by the bar.

by Steve Coogan.

'Oh', I thought, 'Well, there goes my chance'

But then, 'No' my drink and drug fuelled bravado said, 'I'm not having this, I know she is interested in me'

So I stormed down there.

I forced myself into the conversation. And I noticed the look of desperation in her eyes.

Coogan looked pissed off, he tried ignoring me, he tried shutting me out, but my speed and escatacy fuelled mouth was not letting him shut me up.

Eventually he stormed off.

She thanked me profusely, saying she had never met such a self absorbed arrogant arsehole in here life.

We went for a cigarette.

We kissed.

We walked back to hers.

We got to bed.

And...nothing...

She sucked it.

nothing.

She caressed it.

nothing.

I explored her, kissed her, tasted her.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Speed, Ecstacy, Northern Bitter, too many cigarettes.

Ok, I can live with the failure.

What I can't live with, what makes me cringe now, was her drunken, joking but still painfully insensitive 'I bet Steve Coogan would be fucking me by now'


And you know what, i know she was right.


Because if he can get it up for Courtney Love, he could get it up no matter what the circumstances.


(Seriously, what is wrong with me, why do I feel compelled to tell these stories?)
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:09, 16 replies)

My housemate calls his "God."
Which leads to much hilarity, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I call mine "Victory."

That way, VICTORY IS ALWAYS MINE!

And, if you ask nicely...it could be yours, too...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:08, 3 replies)

I decided to try them.
End of. What the fuck is with two shit QOTW in a row?
( Bats, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:07, 4 replies)

Cool Mint Listerine Activ Strips
remember those?
the fresh breath strip things briefly in the shops a few years ago?
remember how painful it was when you stuck one on your tongue?
Imagine how painful it would be if you stuck one onto your jap's eye in an ill-advised moment of borderline masochistic epxerimentation....
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:07, Reply)

Takeaway
Crying with ecstasy because I have deeply parked my willy in the quivering buttocks of a Chinese waiter.

To be fair I did feel somewhat ashamed at the end. I had forgotten the all important reach around.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:06, Reply)

Is anyone else
reflexively skipping to the end of posts to see what the pun is?
(username1, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:05, 1 reply)

I create my own lube.
I was using my penis in a manner best described as ‘shafting’ a young female acquaintance of mine. She had recently got a clitoral ring and certainly seemed to be enjoying things and life in general. Indeed she claimed to enjoy ‘walking’ as well which is why she stopped taking the bus.

Anyway.

The deed was tracking to a tumultuous conclusion when I had a mis-stroke due to my lady friend’s abject enthusiasm. Unfortunately my mis-stroke (which occurred at hammer velocity) managed to catch the very tip of my urethra on a tiny snag in the ring, thus tearing my penis into two from the tip to about 2 centimetres down the shaft. The girlfriend was alright because she had sort of pushed it towards me.

This hurt slightly and I sort of pansied out and fainted. Hospital. Flashing lights. Blood. Watching my girlfriend endlessly walking up and down the corridor. The works.

No shame yet though right? Well, I was coming to that.

So about a month later, the girlfriends just come home to the flat having walked the 7 miles home again from work. She is in a state of agitation and delicately asks to be ‘seen to’ if my python can stand it. It feels ok and doesn’t hurt so we start to go for it, slowly at first then hammer and tongs.

Then she gets angry. “Why the fuck have you come so quickly?” She narked.

“Eh? I haven’t.” I replied.

We look down and see a creamy green discharge. The buttery pus from my tortured bellend oozed from our union.

“Well keep going then”.

So I did.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:04, 7 replies)

'Female b3tans may need to improvise'.
Tell us something we don't already know.


Edit - And why do all these stories of cock in wanking accident with strange device not really surprise me.
( girlinthehole, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:04, 1 reply)

The stupidest thing? I listened to it.
Come on, lads, admit it: all of us have done it. We knew that what we were about to do was stupid and would cause us endless grief later, but we did it anyway in hopes of getting laid.

Some examples?

-I actually sat through an entire screening of "Howard's End". That's three hours of my life I'll never get back.

-I took her to a posh restaurant in London, even though I was going to be scraping just to make rent that month. I spent pretty close to half of my rent money that night, and never got anywhere with her.

-Two words: Valentine's Day. The worst part is that I get hit by that every fucking year.

-I took her and her friend out dancing and ended up buying all of us drinks and food. That was the night I learned the meaning of the term "cockblocker."

-Another two words: Members Only. In retrospect, it was the stupidest looking jacket I've ever owned.

But even more stupid still: I'll probably listen to it again.
(Shimrod, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:01, Reply)