Last week I was weightlifting
And I thought I shit myself, but it turned out it was only an anal prolapse.

Thank fuck, that could have been so embarrassing!
(Figmaus, Fri 28 Dec 2012, 7:39, Reply)

Launderettes
I'd never used a launderette before I went to university earlier this year. Every time I use the one on campus, there's a constant fear of losing something somehow.
One time, after checking everything meticulously before and after the wash, I thought I'd lost a pair of pants. But then I checked my drawer and they were sitting right there, looking all smug.
But tragedy struck one day after I couldn't find 2 of my t-shirts anywhere and couldn't remember having seen them for at least a month.
But then I went home for the holidays and found both of them in my wardrobe. Victory.
(MOTOR Master Of The Open Road, Fri 28 Dec 2012, 2:39, 1 reply)

I did a big squirty bumjob into a Pringles tube

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 27 Dec 2012, 23:04, 6 replies)

Cold Hand
I had a tall, lanky friend who fell asleep, and while asleep got his right arm wrapped around and behind his head so that the blood flow stopped. His hand went cold and numb, and when he awoke he discovered a cold hand touching his left cheek. Scared the bejeebers out of him!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 27 Dec 2012, 21:41, 1 reply)

i just done a massive poo.

(speedevil, Thu 27 Dec 2012, 20:22, Reply)

Shhh
What a relief it was to finally unlurk on b3ta. And I'm not even drunk. Although it is a bit of an anti-climax on balance.
(sp00nfed, Thu 27 Dec 2012, 15:16, 3 replies)

I'm guessing that 4Q will be quite relived
when all the posters he/she/it told to kill themselves do so.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 27 Dec 2012, 5:31, 9 replies)

I like how the French refer to marijuana-flavoured cigarettes.
Le reef.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 26 Dec 2012, 19:54, 4 replies)

I hope you all had a good Christmas.
Especially Happy Phantom, he seems like he needs some cheer in his life right now.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 26 Dec 2012, 12:55, 14 replies)

In a few hours it's going to be Thursday.
Generally that's when the /qwot topic changes.
What a relief.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 26 Dec 2012, 11:50, 12 replies)

Spine turned to ice
I was about twelve years old and on a fast train somewhere in France. I spent most of the time in the corridor at the window, which was wound down about half-way, resting my forearms on the horizontal bar and watching the scenery whipping past. At the time, I didn’t know that the occasional cloud of water droplets that swept past, wetting my face and lips but soon drying in the wind, was from one of the many toilets further up the train, but that’s another story.

A little girl, about five years old, came along and begged to be lifted up so that she could see out of the window. Eventually I obliged, but to my horror she suddenly leaned out so far out that I almost lost my grip on her. I was desperately pulling her back into the train when, a split second later, preceded by a bow wave of wind like a slamming door, another train screamed past in the opposite direction, seemingly inches away. I looked at the little girl in my arms and was relieved to see that she still had a head.
(Erroneous Funk, Wed 26 Dec 2012, 10:20, 2 replies)

alright

(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Wed 26 Dec 2012, 3:43, 11 replies)

I came around on my back in the bath.
How my head missed the taps as I fell I don't know, and how I managed to escape without even a bruise is a mystery.
Turns out I had a minor nose bleed in the night, due to too much akcohol, and when I coughed some fell into the sputum -- so I fainted because I thought I had coughed up blood from my lungs.
See also the (mentioned before by others, I think) scares beetroot causes.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 25 Dec 2012, 23:13, 2 replies)

It's Alive!
Taking my gf at the time home in my battered old Land Rover. Driving down a dark country lane when a dog jumps out in front of us in what was obviously a canine suicide attempt. Thump! Definitely hit it - cue gf screaming "is it dead, is it dead?" at the top of her voice. Get out of the car and no sign of aforementioned canine. A quick scout around the car sees it wrapped up in the wheel arch, lifeless. Prodding and poking at it does no good, it's stuck. Reporting this is rewarded with more screaming.

Time to take the wheel off. Jack up the Landy and remove the wheel, now I can peel the dog from the arch. As I free it the bastard springs to life, bites me on the hand and fucks off across the fields at top speed.

"Aww, he's alright, that's a relief" were the words I next heard. Marvellous.
(Finn's NIN Mini, Tue 25 Dec 2012, 20:46, 1 reply)

A fat girl's growler.

(SSSSSSSSSS, Tue 25 Dec 2012, 12:29, 3 replies)

Lying in bed one Saturday morning,
feeling somewhat worse for wear after a particularly heavy night's drinking, I went for a lazy scratch of my nether regions. I was horrified to discover a growth on my scrotum. All sorts of terrible thoughts went through my head... thoughts which soon dissipated when I discovered that the "growth" was a fried egg sweet from a pack of Haribo Starmix which had somehow adhered itself to my ballbag. 
(mirodo, Tue 25 Dec 2012, 10:06, 10 replies)

In the morning, the guns fell silent.
And in the stillness, they cautiously crept out. As yet, the truce was unspoken and the combatants watched each other warily. As someone kicked a football into the no-man's land of /links, Dr Shambolic and ringofyre embraced. And kissed a bit.
Then rob shot them both for fraternising.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 25 Dec 2012, 7:05, 11 replies)

It was a source of great relief to me when Braydedd offered to fix the 'search' function.
I hope the mods take him up on his kind offer.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 19:05, 5 replies)

I was bored one afternoon
so decided to work my way through the vegetable basket in the kitchen. Raw.

Potatoes: vile
Leeks: super-vile (and your breath smells for a whole day afterwards)
Carrots: OK, but everyone eats them
Cauliflower: not bad, really. Should be more popular.
Swede: bit strong
Turnip: fantastic. Just like mild radish. Compensated for the leeks.

I do this stuff so you don't have to.
(rogerzilla, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 18:58, 9 replies)

I started reading through some of the QOTW replies.....
And thought I was reading the Pathetic Sharks. What a relief it was when I realised that I wasn't, and in fact was just observing the mating cries of a bunch of ridiculous inadequates.

Go and score yourselves a fat bird each if you all already haven't, you could all do with a "fuck".

Cheers.
(Dr. ShamboIic Minister for Sport for Papua New Guinea, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 13:39, 73 replies)

I didn't catch AIDS from Santa.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 24 Dec 2012, 13:14, 5 replies)

Mrs. Sloremonger was driving, three chipmunks in the road ahead...
she swerved but didn't know if she missed them. Imagine her relief when I reported that she had, indeed, hit 2 out of 3.
(sloremonger, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 12:56, 2 replies)

I thought I'd try and get some relief from the "trolls"
by Ignoring2.0 a lot of them.
To me it seems the equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting "Lalalalalalalalalaalalallaalalalaalalalalala!" as someone is talking to you.

So basically we've resorted to being badly behaved siblings. I say we cause I'm not the only 1 whose recently stuck someone on ignore.

Seeing as many of the people I enjoy troll-fighting with won't be able to see this it'll be interesting to see who replies.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 24 Dec 2012, 8:52, 124 replies)

Waking up thinking i have wet the bed!
Woke up one morning thinking i pissed the bed to only find out it was a glass of orange juice i fell asleep due to being bored to death with the shit that was on tv.

Woop my QOTW cherry popped!
(Dontturnoffthefences I hate all this hacker crap!, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 6:36, 4 replies)

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the board
Fat shut-ins were crying 'cos they'd been ignored
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 24 Dec 2012, 2:49, 2 replies)

Phew
I thought I'd deleted the entire mailing database.

Turns out all I had done was change the first line of every single address to '1, Bum Street, Fartville'.
(se8card, Sun 23 Dec 2012, 23:45, 1 reply)

I made a big model for a horticultural event
Unfortunately I made a mistake on it and had to do it again. Christ, What a re-leaf that was.
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Sun 23 Dec 2012, 22:21, 1 reply)

Earlier on I thought I'd lost my wallet.
But when I got home, it was in the dining room!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 23 Dec 2012, 20:26, 6 replies)

I lost my daughter in Asda the other day
but she found me.
( Peej, Sun 23 Dec 2012, 20:01, 4 replies)