Tramp stories
We used to - and still do have a tramp called 'the doug' (pronounced: dooog) here in the Wirral. He was banned from our local church because he used to run down the isle and infront of the altar do a mime of bowling a ball – mid mass.

He also tried to sell me a copy of Diana life story… obvisouly pilfered from somewhere…

What with his free bus rides, odd shoes, a hunchback, unique swearing language, obscure stories coupled with his constant state of pissed-off'ness. The guy was a hero and many of my friends and family believe a monument should be dedicated to him such is the general consensus towards a genuine tramp.

He is quite famous around these parts....So much so that when word spread that he had died – it made the regional paper…. Only to find out a few weeks later he wasn’t dead but just being drunk and disorderly somewhere else… he has subsequently died and re appeared several times. Perhaps he is a modern day Messiah?

Do you have any local heroes (tramps)
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 5 Nov 2007, 17:14, Reply)

Not even for a double donkey dare
would I have eaten the four-years-out-of-date Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie I found in a very inaccessible corner cupboard while cleaning out the kitchen. Oddly, neither I nor Mr Witch could recall ever buying one. I definitely wouldn't 'cos I hate kidney - I think it's offal (sorry).

So........what's the oldest food you've ever found........and did you eat it?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 4 Nov 2007, 12:22, Reply)

Delusions of Grandeur
When I was a kid I saw Back to the Future II and thought that the hover boards were real... There was even a "behind the scenes" documentary in which Robert Zemeckis stated that they were "real" and had to be "withdrawn" because of parental groups concerns. All my mates ridiculed me and I even drew up plans as to how they would work (with magnets and all) and belived that one day I would actually own one.

What have you truly believed in?

Religious views and father Christmas don't count, it has to be something funny.
(SillyMoo, Sat 3 Nov 2007, 23:39, Reply)

Cooking mishaps
Ever tried to be creative in the kitchen, tried to come up with a new recipe and end up causing you or someone near you to vomit on the dog?
Or maybe you've burned the house down in the process.
What are your stupidest mistakes while in the kitchen of doooooooom?!! *wiggles fingers*
( ClanSoul, Sat 3 Nov 2007, 21:01, Reply)

Life changing moments
I've just found out that my girlfriend of two years is 5 weeks' pregnant.

I am 28, and possibly one of the most happy go lucky chancers you are ever likely to meet. The closest I have previously got to parenting was looking after my pet hamster Earl when I was 8, who died after an unfortunate incident involving a tin of lychees.

As the news was broken to me yesterday, and I desperately clung onto my pint of Stella to stop myself fainting, I could only be certain of one thing and one thing only. Namely, that my life was never going to be the same again.

What are other people's out of the blue, knock you for six, all-time life changing moments?
(Murdoch, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 16:39, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Playground Poetry
Sorry if its beeeendone.. Everyone knows the classics "milk, milk lemon aid, round the corner chocolates made." but what about the more obscure regional ones. Some red faced posh twat at Cambridge told me his, probably from the old school yard at Eton:

“Lord Finchely tried to fix the electric light,
It struck him dead an serves him right!
It is the duty of a wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.”

"Jolly good!" we all chuckled, though I may have let slip my poor breading as I coughed “twat” under my breath.
(poprocksandcoke, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:59, Reply)

Public Transport....
long time ago I was on a bus (pre driving licence) only me and the driver left so I'm sitting right near the front, as we round the corner parked in the bus stop about 100 yards away is a car. not a big problem no-one waiting to get on and me not at my stop yet.
As the bus got closer from the corner of my eye I see a woman make a mad dash for the car, she flings open the door and hops in.

Bus is only doing about 20-25mph and more than enough time for the woman to pull the door closed... only the car being a 2 door slightly sporty model, the door is that little bit longer than the average 4 door saloon and yep you guessed it, she missed the handle 3 seconds later a loud crunch, groaning metal and the tinkle tinkle of glass on tarmac.

Much hilarity from me and a big grin from the driver I see in his rear view mirror.

i looked down at the poor woman clinging onto the stearing wheel and her knuckles have turned white and shes shaking like a leaf.

Driver asks me if i saw what happened and I confirm she shouldent be parked there in the first place. Gave the driver my details hoping to have a day off from collage in the near future. Never heard anything :(

What wierd things have you seen/done on public transport ?

EDIT : seems I really should read the posts, someone already mentioned this for qotw.. apologies for length
(The Dirty Fingernail still picking at the scab of life, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 17:56, Reply)

Sexual secrets - confessions
Have you ever done something then felt disgusted, then spent years in paranoia?
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 11:53, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I wonder what would happen if....


As a young child I was bathed with my twin brother. On one occasion my dad left the bathroom for some reason, and we’re left alone splashing around. I looked up and noticed that the light socket didn’t have a bulb in it....I wonder what’s in that hole? I thought.

So. I gingerly balanced myself on the side of the bath, with my brother holding my legs, and (yes) stuck my fingers up the light socket.

The next thing I remember is being in the bedroom and concerned dad, and my brother looking as pale and shaky as I felt.

When has curiosity got the better of you?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 1 Nov 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Being accused of something that you didn't do
Everyone must have been falsey accused something at some time or another.
(The Louce, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 11:07, Reply)

What made you shit yourself
Like properly given you a fright that you couldnt handle.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 8:41, Reply)

Worst Film Quotes EVER
"No More Mr Knife-Guy"

Will Smith-Wild Wild West.
(rohypnol-theory No Accidents Since, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 21:31, Reply)

stupid sex pest
a friend of mine works in a hardware store where a member of staff was fired for taking a photo up a womans skirt with his camera phone EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS WEARING BLACK OPAQUE TIGHTS...now i'm not condoning this behaviour i'm just glad he's stupid enough not to get it together to be a eal sex pest
so how about a stupid sex pest QOTW
(electrogirl no one thinks about the implications of a clown su, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 13:39, Reply)

School days
My cousin Caz was a right rum bugger when she was at school. One fine summers day, feeling rather disgruntled at the headteacher Mr Cooke after he gave her a detention for assorted scallywag behaviour, she and her motley crew persuaded the whole of year 9 to go on strike. That afternoon saw a baying band of excited teenagers marching round the school chanting 'Cookie is a slap-head'. Marvellous.

Did a dog run through your school one day? Any epic fights? Were teachers caught shagging in the stationary cupboard? Tell us tales from your school days.
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 11:25, Reply)

Parents vs kids
what did you do to embarrass your parents?
or your parents to embarass you?
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 9:57, Reply)

I wrote to <insert company> when I was little and...
tell us what you did when you were small, when I was a kid I wrote to loads of companies with different things and ended up with freebies.

what did you ask Jim to fix for you?

*shite idea, but I want to know what you asked him for!*
(turkeywelder, Mon 29 Oct 2007, 18:26, Reply)

Halloween mishaps
Even the best of us had some old fart ruin our trick or treating as a kid.

What happened and what did you do about it.

Age 10 we went out with eggs to protect us from the old boys. hence us lobbing a few at people we thought egged us last year. Thus resulting in a very long chase through alleys and about a 700 yard sprint dow the main road.
( whypandabearsoblue?, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 23:55, Reply)

Childhood Injuries
Post your injuried you sustained when you were a child

At the age of 7:
I fell and hit my head on the end of a fencepost. One of those ankle height metal ones to stop cars driving into the pub forecourt. If It had hit me half a centimeter higher, it would have gone straight into my right eye, and that wouldnt have been too pleasent.

I still have the scar...
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 19:16, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

The funniest thing I saw...
Tired of all these depressing qotws? Lets have one that lifts our spirits.

What is the funniest thing you have ever seen?
Mine would be watching my two mates try to out hard-man each other. Things came to a head when mate #1 decides to eat a teaspoon of my hot sauce. This stuff is 50 times hotter than tabasco. His reaction was similar to an epileptic in a rave club. Epic stuff and had me nearly passing out from laughing so hard.

What is your funniest moment??
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 8:54, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Ruin a joke
A polar bear walks into a bar. "I'd like a pint and............. a bag of nuts, please". Barman says, "Why the big pause?" and the bear replies, "Sorry, I'm epileptic and that was a petit mal episode."

SOOOO: tell us a classic/ old joke, and then pimp it to make it strange, different, and potentially wonderful. Funny ha-ha would be good, but funny-peculiar is funny as well...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:04, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Insomnia
Whilst having an essay to do, I once accidentally stayed up the entire night trying to complete it. In doing so, I managed to stay up for about 60 hours straight. My flatmates swear that by the end of this, I started talking to a toy shark and was convinced it was talking back. How long have you gone without sleep, and what crazy adventures have occured in doing so?
(__, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 10:08, Reply)

reduced food
i have been sat in bed, farting non stop now for well over an hour, and as i sit in my own gas-chamber, getting shorter and shorter of that precious clean air supply, i wonder. . . . was buying reduced prawns such a good idea???????

so the question goes, ever eaten something reduced that has hilarious consequences?
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 23:40, Reply)

Litter
A few years ago whilst on a school trip to Newcastle I spotted a full size sofa left to rot on the pavement. When I returned 2 hours later, it was still there, complete with an elderly man drinking vodka and swearing at me. Whats the strangest/funniest litter you've ever come across?
(InGear Slipped this one in on, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 22:56, Reply)

Lip-locked
While on the busy train this morning, I sat beside two gormless teenage fuckwits, one of whom was playing with his lighter. "Dude, I'm a total arsonist" he told his mate, and I had to stop myself from saying "Actually, the word is arsehole."

When have you had to stop yourself from speaking? Or when have you said something and wish you'd kept your mouth shut? Do tell all
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 17:37, Reply)

Did you actually just say that?
" oh look at that ... theyve put windmills on the beach to blow the wind back out to sea..." is just one of many quotes I heard uttered from a female I know... what rediculous quotes have you heard the other sex mutter in total confidence they are correct...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 16:11, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

999
have you ever had to call 999? why? and was it nessesary?

P.S the AA doesn't count.... oh go on then.. they do have flashy lights.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Sleeping with other Interneters
Excluding internet dating, have you ever arranged to meet up with somebody from an internet chat room, myspace, or other internet forum for sex ?
Were you sent photos of an absolute beauty, who turned out to be a minger in reality ?
Were they any good ? Did you meet up a second time ?
( turb0t, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 8:45, Reply)

Public transport
Has this one been done as yet?

I get the bus to and from work here in Sydney. Although only a short journey there is nearly always something to make it more intresting.

So, whats your worst or best public transport stories?
(Lanceuppercut, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 1:48, Reply)