I could have CRIED!!!
I recently gave birth (darling little baby girl; since you ask) and was delighted to be let free on the soft cheeses once again. So imagine my disappointment when I arrived at my favourite cheese shop to find the owner handing over the keys to the new tenants! I almost burst into tears. Anyone else had their lives 'ruined' by something as petty as this?

PS: Does anyone know of a good cheese shop in the Bristol area? I know I could look it up myself but I'm so distraught.
(housetits is channelling Natalie Cassidy - then, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 17:19, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Pointless stupidity
Once when i was younger my grandparents lived in one of those old houses with the mahoosive banisters... i used to spend countless hours piling cushions at the bottom and sliding down them squealing with glee...

Until the fateful day i lost my balance, fell off backwards and broke my arm...

Now this is probably not that unusual or stupid, and you may be asking "what the hell is the point of this story?"

Well, the next day, after having a nice plaster cast added to my arm, i decided that as i was bored it would be a great idea to slide down the banister again...

and promptly repeated the accident of the day before and broke the other arm...

Whats the dumbest thing you've ever done?
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 13:50, Reply)

Shitt's Miscellany
Every year, my brother gives me a Shott's miscellany for Christmas. I hate them - they're books for people who don't like books, a dull person's idea of interesting, and - worst - conflate knowledge with education.

If you could be the anti-Shott, what lies would you put in the miscellany? Deeply absurd or very subtle both win points.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 11:18, Reply)

Longest/Craziest Journey in the World
Whilst travelling in Australia a few years back, me and my 3 companions made an epic journey. On a very tight schedule (as we had to meet a friend flying into Melbourne), we set off in our car from Adelaide for Ayers Rock, intending to get there and back and then on to Melbourne in 5 days. A journey of about 2500 miles by road...

Along the way, I nearly killed many kangaroos, a cow and some aborigines who were standing in the road holding a chain. We also had at one point to start our car with a spoon and didn't quite make it to Ayers Rock for sunrise. Instead, we ended up sleeping at a petrol station with its own camels.

What mighty journeys have you undertaken and what strange things befell you along the way?
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Wed 12 Dec 2007, 23:39, Reply)

Its Health and Safety gone Mad I tell you!
(Might be along similar lines to the Political Correctness gone mad)
I was driving home through The Netherlands last week and while I was hacking along the fast lane of their 2-lane motorway when I noticed a bit of a kerfuffle up ahead. Slowing down a bit the reason for the slight bunching in the traffic turned out to be a bloke shoveling muck from the gutter into the central reservation protected by another chap waving a little red flag about 10 yards closer to us also stood by the side of the fast lane.
Here in the UK they'd have shut the motorway for that - - for at least a week! I am sure the B3tans have lots of examples of Health and Safety gone mad or, better, examples of where the safety officer would have had a heart attack if only he knew what you'd been up to.
(karnuvap, Wed 12 Dec 2007, 19:13, Reply)

farts make me giggle
Every time i fart i giggle like a 5 year old in a tickle factory. Sometimes when i fart it feels like my ass has sprayed the inside of my undergarments with a spattering of brown bum goodness. Touch wood, as yet, i have yet to check and see the brown bum goodness in its physical reality.
This one time when we went camping we were having a jolly old time down by some lakes somewhere in the wooded area we happened to drive to. The usual fare had been ingested, a few donaghadee's and quite a lot of warm beer & cider. Anyway one friend went for a warm fuzzy walk and chanced a group of girl campers. Stu, for that is his name, came running back over a bridge to tell us as we were aimlessly wondering about looking at leaves , chatting away aimlessly without moving our jaws and the like. Quick as a flash he quickly shuffled past us gleefully informing us that there were ' hot chicks over there, you guys go on over and I will be back over in a bit,' a few seconds later we heard a shout from Stu asking whereupon we may have placed the loo roll in our encampment.All was well and a jolly good night was had by all, until that is stu informed us he had followed thorugh on a fart himself whilst initially speaking to the 'hot girls'.
After what seemed like an age towards the end of the night when each of us tried to place shitty bum stu in each others tents we all retired to sleep.
For nothing would prepare us for the horror that we would chance upon on awakening the next morning. The area just beside the tents was awash with bits of shit stained loo paper and little piles of human faeces, oh the stench, i can still taste it, best of all in the middle in pride of place where stu's undergarments, filled with lovely brown gooey human excrement.
It was everywhere, and just as we were leaving a group of young girls arrived to go canoeing. What must they have thought we were up to.
So my question is, would you rather go canoeing with a group of young girls or squeeze the man juice out of your man member with a nutcracker?
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Wed 12 Dec 2007, 15:29, Reply)

Party Pieces!
It's Christmas, you get drunk at parties and then decide to showcase your talent, and you usually make a tit out of yourself. Do you have a secret ability? Are you double-jointed or can you burp the entire bible? Tell us about your party pieces (pictures/video would be appreciated)
(__, Wed 12 Dec 2007, 14:22, Reply)

my cristmas nightmare...Revisited (2007 remix)
you have to ask this ...its tradtion
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 12 Dec 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Christmas prezzies
This is christmas prezzies with a slight twist.
Having finally finished all my crimbo shopping on Saturday, you go through the post (almost) orgasmic satisfaction of a job well done.
Then comes the kicker.. arrange to meet my lovely lady who it has to be said i'd (now in retrospect)wasted my saturday lie in for to buy her some well thought out prezzies with plenty of time left to crimbo day to pick up the odd stocking filler if i came accross it (see im thoughtful like that)
Anyway we're in the pub and im suitably knackered and enjoying my pint when out of nowhere she blerts out that she's dumping me.
2 weeks before christmas... Nice eh ???

She leaves the pub im alone with thoughts and proceed to get pissed to cheer myself up.

Sunday arrives and looking at the pile of receipts, take everything back from whence it came and then treat myself to a nice big plasma TV...

So the question is.. With all the cash you spent on other people for christmas what would you have bought for yourself instead ?

no appologies for length i needed to get it off my chest :)
(The Dirty Fingernail still picking at the scab of life, Tue 11 Dec 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Crap you've bought from pound shops
Batteries that lasted about an hour and then died. A screwdriver with a loose handle so I couldn't turn the damn screw, and a tape measure which wasn't at all accurate. Some of the 'bargains' i've bought from cheapo pound shops. What are yours?
(Tirtingsquirtle, Tue 11 Dec 2007, 12:57, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Not the Intended Recipient
We've all been there... writing a lovely dirty text to your significant other, carelessly clicking "Send" to the last person on your recently texted list, when you actually look at the screen.

"Sending to Dirty Bitch In Bed's Ultra-Conservative, Slightly psychopathic and Overprotective Father"

There's a moment of "Oh, Shit!!" as you frantically click the button marked "Cancel Sending" but to no avail - and the last of your credit is gone so you can't even recetify your horiffic mistake.

Tell us what you have sent to an unintended recipient.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Tue 11 Dec 2007, 10:48, Reply)

worst ever christmas present
last year i got 3 books about trains, a subject i have never shown even a minute sliver of interest in, needless to say they were immediately thrown out along with the wrapping paper.

What has your worst ever christmas present been, how inappropriate was it and how did you respond?
( weaver., Mon 10 Dec 2007, 22:44, Reply)

Odd people that always make you smile
In the sleepy town Leamington Spa, from whence I hail, there are many local eccentrics who brighten up our day. For example, 50p lady, who always asks if she can borrow 50p. You feel quite offended if she doesn't ask you. There's a man who wears fancy dress hats occasionally to spice up his otherwise mundane life, and Electro Nick, a middle aged, chemically enhanced legend who dances like he's propelling the world, can often be seen buzzing around at 2am. Everyone raves about these guys as they are part of our town and we're proud of them.
What local characters enhance your lives, hmm?
(hnry just had a vowel movement, Sat 8 Dec 2007, 0:37, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

The horror, the horror
I've just made a spreadsheet, to itemise my Christmas gifts. It has coloured tabs. It has formulae. I'm so fucking embarrassed at the geekiness of it.

In what ways are you horrendously geeky? How do other people react?
(The Oncoming Storm, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 21:21, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Have you thought about letting Jeebus into your life?
What was your last encounter with the God Squad? What is your preferred method of dealing with them?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 14:08, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

If I ruled the world...
Then I would ban all talk of Christmas before the 13th December. And stupid days like "Grandparents day" treat your grandparents with respect all year round not just on made up days to generate more revenue for the already overinflated industry. /miserable scroogeness

If you ruled the world what laws would you introduce?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:33, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Things we never learned.
At a recent christmas party, I was ridiculed to say the least when the subject of Hugh Heffner came up. I had no idea who he was!
Aparantly he fought for womens rights, I was told. This had everyone in stitches, including the director. And me extremely red faced and confused.

Tell us all your stories of that bit of information that every self respected human should know.. but don't!
(Miggyman, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Homeless People
Homeless people are the backbone of britain, colourful wise and full of stories

Chris the local hobo in our area is an amazing guy, drinks strongbow sleeps in the park, beard dirty. Brilliant. Little bit insane; will hold a cup of coffee and pass it over to his 'friend' who isnt there and will drop it, then shout at himself. Alright chap, makes a killing in people chipping him money. gave me a quid once, brilliant!
(Joe Guevara is well known for stealing your biscuits, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 12:26, Reply)

Best Christmas Present
It's Christmas soon, with turkey, stuffing your stomach until you require rolling from one room to another while dad gets pissed and mum has a nervous breakdown. However things have been looking at little bit grim out there recently, so to warm us all up and bring back that warm and fluffy feeling inside, lets find out what peoples best ever christmas gift was.

Mine was in 1991, with a brand new sister who was born a few days before Christmas Day, and her and my mum were allowed to come home to Celebrate with the entire family.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 7:44, Reply)

great trumpeting christ on a 70's retro ralleigh chopper im boring!
I just attended a lecture by a very interesting chap. He has spent over 40 years teaching and practicing medicine in Nepal. over this time he set up the countries first medical school , ran three clinics, dealt with political uprising and hippies and still managed to find the time to get his daughter into Cambridge.

all this and he still manages to be funny and down to earth.

me? I saw a cloud that looked like a clown once.

how have you been made to feel inadequate about your life's achievements?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 22:06, Reply)

abusing your trust
trying to pass the time i did a video search for "just plain wrong" to see what would come up. I couldn't help but notice that someone had placed a video called 'just for you'. It was pr0n but blatantly a shaky web cam video most likely to have been made for a lover/fuck buddy who was sorely missed. given the title and the fact it had been viewed over 172,000 times i think someone has been misjudged.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 21:58, Reply)

Stingy bosses
Who's the stingiest employer you've ever worked for? In how many different ways did they demonstrate that they were tighter than a duck's arse? Even better if the poor staff suffered so the bosses could treat themselves to endless luxuries - vent your spleen.

For myself, it would have to be the ones who rented, yes rented a Christmas tree for the staff canteen. They only paid the rent until Christmas Eve, though. So the rental company turned up first thing on the 24th and dismantled then removed the one wee bit of Christmas cheer in the place! The same people saved money on cards for the staff by scanning on/downloading a picture of Santa and sending it to us all by internal email. Bah Humbug!

Come on, I'm sure most of you have much better stories than this!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Medical Horror Stories...
...and i'm not talking about the time you broke your arm Wnaknig. After being caught by your mum. Dirty Bugger.

My horror story would be at the Dentists. Getting my Wisdom tooth extracted, I needed FIVE injections. Directly into the jaw.

I swear in the blinding of the lights, the numbing of my jaw, and the tugging of the tooth I visited a place I could only descibe as Satan's Nirvana

Whats your Medical Horror Story?
(drain_bamaged, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 12:55, Reply)

Being late for everything
Throughout my life I seem to have been close to others whose timekeeping has left a lot to be desired. It's a particular pet annoyance of mine, as I think that being late, especially for something that has been pre-arranged and I'm meant to be meeting someone, is extremely rude. My ex mother-in-law, for example, was supremely tardy (and badly organised) which invariably ended up with her arriving late for everything.

"You'll be late for your own funeral" me and the ex would joke (ironically the ex wasn't much better in the timekeeping stakes).

So it came as absolutely no surprise when she was, in fact, 10 minutes late for her funeral, due to bad traffic and roadworks.

What are your experiences of extreme tardiness?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Dec 2007, 12:44, Reply)

Warning! Spoiler alert!!
My friend and I were discussing how Christmas just isn't as magical nowadays and that naturally lead to how we discovered that Santa is a complete and total lie. My friend's parents had managed to keep the dream alive until the tender age of 8 when she was reading the problem pages of Chat/Best/Generic Middle Aged Woman Knitting Magazine and one problem was short and sweet: "How do I tell my child that Santa doesn't exist?"

How and when did you find out Santa wasn't real?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 13:04, Reply)

Petty reasons to dump someone.
I once dumped a girl soley because she said her favourite Buffy The Vampire Slayer character was Riley Finn. Seriously, that was pretty much the only reason.

What petty reasons have you guys dumped someone over?

This is my first ever post up here, please be nice to me :)
(fuzzyjumpers savaged a lion on, Sun 2 Dec 2007, 2:01, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Sheltered Lives
I just recalled how one of my friends is so posh she hadn't eaten a pie until she came to uni.

What examples do you have of people who have gone through life not trying seemingly run of the mill things.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 21:43, Reply)

Losing control...
I used to suffer from some bizarre symptons attached to epilepsy. Once I lost control of my eyes and they involuntarily rolled into the back of my head so basically I couldn't see. I had to get a friend to walk me home as I was virtually blind.

How or what or when have you lost control?
(Bob the Scutter, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 5:18, Reply)

Food you won't eat as an adult
As a wee-er Witch I was regularly force-fed (and I mean force-fed) stew. Not exactly beaten with a hot poker, I know, but at the time I dreaded coming home from school on a Tuesday. Something about the big chunks of meat combined with the soggy onion and runny gravy (my mum treated Bisto like it was worth it's weight in gold). It made me want to heave (I know, pathetic).

I left home nearly 20 years ago but can proudly say I've never eaten stew since. Not even disguised as "goulash". Childish but hey, I take my victories where I can!

So what did your parents slap down in front of you with the dreaded words "You'll sit there til you eat the lot"? And do you avoid it to this day? Or are you a parent now inflicting good healthy food on reluctant kids and gritting your teeth when your mum smiles smugly and says "What goes around comes around"?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 27 Nov 2007, 20:42, Reply)

Lacking basic skills
I'm 36 years old, and still haven't mastered the apparently-simple art of tieing a neck-tie; I was mercilessly and loudly heckled by my brother at the last family wedding we attended when he suddenly realized I was wearing the same tie he'd done up for me three months previously.
Only last year did I get my driver's license (and only then under threat of divorce and/or deballing); we had to ask a neighbour to drive us to the hospital when my wife went into labour at 4 a.m.
What other basic skills are you lacking and how has this made you feel like a social retard?
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 1:26, Reply)