The Santa Clause
In Denmark, Santa doesn't come on Christmas Day, he comes on Christmas Eve and delivers the presents to the Children in person.

I still remember the excitement as the Big Man came in to the room, the wonder as he looked upon me and handed me my Christmas gift.

It was a tragedy then, aged nine, that I was looking at photos and noticed that Saint Nick's rosy cheeks were, in fact, a mask, and the long beard was, in fact, hooked over his ears. Hammering the nail in to the coffin that was my childhood innocence was the fact that my Aunt was never in any of the photos.

Either my Aunt was Santa, or the whole thing was a collosal chirade.

So, how did you find out that Santa Claus doesn't exist?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 11:24, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Why I'm going to burn in hell.
Ok, so we might not all believe in Hell, but this is the chance to tell us your stories of the awful, awful things that you've done, this is your chance to repent.

Christmas is on the way, so let's have some stories of anti-goodwill.
( Cawl, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 11:09, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Celebrating the dearly departed
Freddy Woo PJM writes:

A dear friend sadly passed away a few years ago at the age of 31 after a long illness.

He was quite a character, always the last to be dragged out of the bar, he was liked and respected my many and never let his illness get in the way of a brazenly caddish career of swordsmanship.

His horizontal shenanigans became the stuff of legend and are still discussed in reverential terms with wry smiles today.

Lets honour the life of a dearly departed comrade in arms in true b3ta style.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 8 Dec 2008, 11:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

lets get topical people... awful attractions (alliteration! woo)
new forest lapland is getting slammed for ripping off familys awaiting a winter wonderland, only to recieve painted sheds and a sad reindeer and a nativity mural for £25 a head. An equibally gulliable pal and I once blew £3.50 each (a princly sum for weekend till monkey schoolgirls) for Mr.Horaitos Horrifying Hurricane Howler* at the easter funfair, expecting some sort of windmachine whizzing about thrillride (come on £3.50 ,at a fair where that was probably the full sum paid towards health and safety, we were expecting BIG things) we were somewhat miffed at finding ourselves standing in a dark room listening to a crackley recording of wind through trees.

Whats been your most awful attraction?

*probably not the real name, ive tried to block out most of the memorys
(loobyla, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 1:09, Reply)

complete randomness
Whats the most wierdest thing you've ever experienced or seen?

One time I was working at the wonderful world of soccer sport, and some guy walks in, doesn't bother looking at anything, instead he heads for the phone (staff use only) picks it up about to type in a number before I stop him and tell him its not for public use
He then asks if the computer (also for staff use only) has internet access, again I say its not for pubic use, and walks out the shop dissapointed...

What does he think it is, an internet cafe? ..moron
(Lord Chode, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 17:28, Reply)

My First Gig
Surely everyone remembers their very first gig. What band/artist did you go and see and what amusing tales do you have from the occasion?
(Brandy Bolland, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 3:05, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Students
I was on the train from Epsom this morning, and there were two men near me of around 19 years of age.

One was wearing pink leggings and the other rhinestone gloves. I assumed they were on their way to a fancy dress party but they weren't, they were just undergraduates at the new Epsom "University of the Creative Arts".

For the entire journey to Waterloo they practiced being pirates.

"aaarh hearties".
"No, its aaaargh! me hearties..."
"aar! hearties."
"No LISTEN its aaaargh! me hearties..."
"aaoooor....."

Eventually the rhinestone one said "for GOD'S SAKE Sebastian can you just TRY, this is SERIOUS".

reassuring to know, then, that in these hard times the country will be able to mime and tapdance its way out of recession.

So my suggestion is "Gah! Bloody students".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 11:06, Reply)

Happy New Year!
Or is it?

Does the forced enjoyment of New Year's Eve, the countdown, the linking of arms and singing of a song noone knows the words to, fill you with year-end dread?

Or have you had some brilliant parties and great memories of Dec 31st?

Tell us your New Year stories.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:57, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What really winds you up online?
What do you read on the internet that makes you want to punch the keyboard in CAPS?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:06, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

death
When I 18, I tried to abseil down a huge stack of straw-bales using that thin hairy blue twine they use to hold the straw together. I wrapped the twine around my hand and lowered myself over the edge.
My foot slipped and I was left dangling with just the cord which had pulled tight around my palm, preventing me from plummeting the 25ft to the concrete floor of the barn.
Had I coiled the string the other way, it wouldn't have pulled tight and I would have burned my hand and then died.

Have you cheated death in spite of spectacular acts of stupidity?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 13:06, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Self centredness
I am convinced that my mother-in-law is the most self-centred and paranoid person in the known universe. She genuinely thinks that anything that happens anywhere is connected to her, and that everyone conspires against her behind her back.

She had a cctv security camera fitted to her house and would watch people go by all day. Literally. The driving instructor living down the road who got his pupils to do 3-point turns outside her house? Done because he fancied her, obviously. The woman who went past twice a day to walk her dog? Obviously a lesbian who fancied her.

Tell us about self-centred people you know.
(Terrible Tiger, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 22:36, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

little acts of selfishness
i just let my boss run around like a headless chicken looking for a stapler because my shiny sexy new shoes hurt far too much to get up and give him mine. when was the last time you looked after number one, with much funnier results than this?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 15:33, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What was the worst way you managed to twist a question of the week's meaning so that you could use it to whine pathetically about your rubbish life ruining the fun for everyone?
And how much of it was bullshit?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:45, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Quick Witted
Most of the time, it's an hour after the event when you think of the perfect response, or someone else jumps on the perfect punchline. But what about the times you've snapped up the flashy line? Tell us the greatest one-liner you've used to turn an ordinary conversation into laughter and respect.
( Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Sun 30 Nov 2008, 19:58, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It just slipped out!

( Nathanial Hornblower, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 14:39, Reply)

Crap reasons to start a fight
I was at my girlfriend's house, when her ex phoned and my name came up in the conversation. There followed quite a serious argument during which my girlfriend just kept saying; 'there's no need to get angry'; 'please stop shouting' and other such pacifying comments.
'What was that about?' I asked.
'He thought you drove a BMW and got angry because it's a better car than his.'
I drive a 7 year old Nissan Micra with a couple of dents in one side and which is rapidly fading from red to pink.
(Discreditor wants the dream to come true, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 12:45, Reply)

OCD
With something like 1 in 3 people suffering with OCD, there must be a hell of a lot of B3TAns with some weird and wonderful OCDisms.

Tell us yours, and I might tell you mine.

EDIT: go for the lock-in one - that would be funny.
(dchurch bah, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 17:56, Reply)

Christmas
Looks like there hasn't been a Christmas QOTW for four years. Too soon for another one?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 16:08, Reply)

Massive Slags
self explanatory really
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 15:59, Reply)

Creepiest Work Associate
the guy who stares at the pretty young girl all day every day, or the one who KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE, even though you never told them.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 14:02, Reply)

When did you last get anal?
I wasnt happy with the way my wife hoovered the living room, so I made her do it again. Twice.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 13:01, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

cringe
What have you done that makes you cringe?

What have you done that makes you cringe?
What have you done that makes you cringe?
What have you done that makes you cringe?
What have you done that makes you cringe?

For christ's sake, this one would spawn lots of funny stories.

Or anything nob related would be a good question.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 12:12, Reply)

Breaking the rules
My late aunty Ivy (god rest her) always, always used to cheat at Patience/Solitaire. I can just see her now, cackling to herself in her sherry-soaked cardy and moving cards about in a manner which she thought was surreptitious but was in fact less subtle than Martin Brundle on the pre-race grid trying to interview... well, anyone really. The innocent smile on her face as she won time after time gave no indication of the black-hearted cheating rogue she really was.

She took great pleasure in breaking the rules. Not the law; just the rules.

How do you break the rules?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 17:38, Reply)

I was too nice
As we all know, niceness is the flower of humanity that brings us all together like a giant cozy hug. But sometimes, it is possible to be too nice.

So tell us about the times you thought you were too nice, and what you should have done instead.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 19:50, Reply)

The Great Outdoors
There's trees, green stuff, and animals with four legs that eat the green stuff. There's also a multitude of things one can do in the great outdoors. Tell us what you've done.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 17:02, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Things you shouldn't have laughed at, but did...
Coming out of the local last weekend, my mate wanted a kebab, so he ran across the road and got run over by a big merc...He saw it coming at the last second and jumped, and ended up smashing the windscreen...The driver got out and was arguing with him about paying for the windscreen, my mate told him to fuck off and turned to run off and got run over again.

Even the merc driver was pissing himself.
(Big Andy, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 16:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Foreigners
are always funny. I'm currently a foreigner (Brit living in America) and reduced my colleagues to tears of laughter the other day, when I made a mistake writing something in pencil, and innocently asked for a rubber. (which, for the uninformed, is an American word for condom). It's ok though, I point and laugh whenever they talk about spanking someone's fanny.

what cultural mistakes have you made? when have you been lost in translation? what crazy foreigners have made you laugh?
( ascorbate, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 14:52, Reply)

Funny Injuries
I managed to dislocate my shoulder twice in 5 minutes playing on a mini skateboard?

Whats the worst that can happen?
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 11:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Weird dreams (part 2?)
My mate dreamt the entire pink elephants scene from Dumbo, only at the end one of them pooed out Bobby Davro.

What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?
(GONEism, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 22:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)