Poo stories.
That is all.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sun 20 Sep 2009, 4:22, Reply)

What stupid shit have your pets done?
One of my cats managed to launch himself through a closed window last night, lacerating his neck and leg. Daft fucker. He's fine though - stitched and bandaged, but seriously what kind of fuckwitted animal runs headfirst into a windowpane??

So, tell us your stories of silly things your pets have done.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 23:50, Reply)

gross - but not gross enough to put off a drunken shag....
my late friend, richard hughes, was a legend... my fave drunken tale of his related to when he was at a conference in cardiff, he was staying in the student dorm - not sure why, it's what was on offer... to cut a long story short, he pulled a welsh bird and took her back to his room - and there was no toilet, just a hand basin. richard needed go toilet - number 2's - he couldn't be arsed to go down the corridor to the communal loo. so, great romantic that he was and not wanting to spoil the mood, he hopped on the basin and shat in there. but what of the smell? no flush? pah, this was richard hughes - drunken casanova!!! he took his toothbrush and used it to force his stool down the sink and rinsed - then shagged the welsh bird. personally i think it says more about the welsh bird than richard but maybe that's just me???

anyway, what's the grossest thing you've done in front of a prospective partner but not put them off?
( sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:32, Reply)

bought and sold
I'm gathering up crap for a car boot sale. What's the best thing you've bought or sold?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 14:30, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

With hindsight...
... have you ever asked a question that has been as popular as a turd flavoured lollipop?
(babyjak, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 13:23, Reply)

Karate Skills
When have you used your martial arts training to beat up some punk.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:25, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Sexy Antics
Have you ever had sex with something/one
Let us know.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:06, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Urban Myths
What's the best Urban Myth you've ever posted on an internet messageboard as a true story.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:05, Reply)

Foot in Mouth Syndrome
Tell us tales of when your crippling lack of social skills has led to hilarity.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:05, Reply)

Diplomacy fail
A work colleague recently lost her husband. On her first day back at work I recalled she told me once that her dearly departed was alergic to cats. So, being a prized plum, I said: "Now you can get that cat you always wanted." Silence. Strange thing was, I was being sincere. Please share your tales of diplomacy faliure; extra bonus points for crying widows...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 16:29, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Dogs.
Dogs - man's best friend. Always getting you in to trouble or embarrassing you.....

E.g......

I was at a party sitting in the garden drinking and chatting with the hostess when one of her two Dachshunds wandered over and did a crap right in front of my feet, about a foot away in fact. She was extremely embarrassed and some people started laughing and a few people felt a bit ill. Then, about 30 seconds later the 2nd Dachshund came over, took one sniff and then ate the fresh turd. She was literally speechless and the whole garden was either laughing hysterically or feeling sick, or both.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 16:16, Reply)

Twisting the knife
As if it wasn't bad enough that my girlfriend is leaving for a university 200 miles away, after having sex a few nights ago she broke a big one to me, and told me that she thinks she is a lesbian.
Right after sex.
Well i can tell you now i felt awesome knowing that.

When was the last time that Life kicked you when you were down?
(Margatemug, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 14:24, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Finally remembered the idea I came up with
on Monday evening and it slipped my mind until now.

When did you last stick it to THE MAN? Have you had a satisfying win exercising your consumer rights against a large company? Have you had a parking ticket overturned becuase they flouted the rules? Have you spawned a mass boycott of a large retail chain because of their draconian approach to customer service?

You get the idea. The more 'Power to the People' the better.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 12:41, Reply)

Walking down the street the other day...
...me and my missus saw some 30-something fat (by fat I means f*cking huge, not tubby) bloke pawing mindlessly at the ground trying desperately to pick up the sweets he had dropped, whimpering like a dog stuck behind a fence while you have a bbq and munch out on a juicy steak on the other side. His hands were too big to pick up the tiny little sweets. People were laughing.

So.

Seen anyone FAT doing silly things in public?
( Kyazrael Juan, two, three, floor?, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 22:01, Reply)

Alcohol fuelled philosophy
After imbibing alcohol, a lot of us have ideas to solve the world's problems.

In a pub recently, a mate and I were discussing overcrowding on Earth. We came up with migrating to the sea-bed. Clever engineers would build very strong transparent walls along every coastline and then the sea would be pumped into the cavities so the sea and the land swap places.

What utter bollocks have you dreamt up whilst intoxicated?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:44, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Also, the other day Mrs SLVA and I
decided to declutter the bedroom and rearrange the furniture. Behind the bed we found one of her t-shirts. It's a shirt she only wears when decorating. We haven't done any decorating in quite a while, so that shirt has been down there for at least 6 months. The texture of the cloth is evidence that the shirt was also used to clean up any post-coital bodily fluids before it was meant to go into the wash basket.

Also, earlier today I moved a bookcase and amongst the cobwebs and dust, I found what I assume is a piece of mummified toast.


So, "How Clean is Your House"?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:24, Reply)

an open question
Tell us an anecdote on any subject about something that has happened to you in the past 14 days. Have you been in a fight, fallen in love, been sacked, found a missing girl in a lockup somewhere, had part of your body removed, partaken in group sex where everyone else was the opposite gender etc etc.

Anything goes, but it absolutely must be from the last 14 days, so providing people are honest, will mean no roasted peas. Completely original stories.

No posting 'flirting' stories either.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:19, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Gullible & Scammed .....
My Uncle once received a letter from the Department Of Transport (i.e My Dad) advising him that his pride and joy 1969 Cortina was due to be scrapped under the UK's new scrappage scheme for vehicles over 25 years of age and less than £4,000 in value. He was to receive £50 for the scrap metal.

He was less than impressed when my dad told him it was a joke, he sold the car to 'Some Daft Prick' in the boozer for £500 two hours earlier.

When have you been scammed, or have you been the scammer?
(McJuurgensHaircut is authorised and regulated by your mum., Tue 15 Sep 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Losing it...
Someone in our office managed to get barred from the sandwich shop after grabbing the attendant by the throat over a wrongfully processed order.

Tell us about the times you've seen people go loopy in public, or even done so yourself...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 13:40, Reply)

vomit
Vomit.
We havent had any gross-out questions for a while, and I have a good story about being sick.
(dave likes cheese, Sun 13 Sep 2009, 12:56, Reply)

Disc Jockeys...
...regale us with your tales about DJs - everything from those pretentious and overpaid superstar DJs to the sad little mobile DJs playing 'Agadoo' at your wedding reception.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 12 Sep 2009, 14:28, Reply)

Cinemas
There's a local group trying to get my local fleapit restored after it was bought and left to rot by the United Church of the Kingdom of God (mad Brazilians who now own the legendary Raindow in Finsbury Park, London).

www.mcguffin.info/

Anyways, I rarely go to the flicks now, and get all nostalgic about smoking on the left hand side of the auditorium, being spat on by the bigger boys sitting in the balcony, and having a quick fondle between Kia-ora ads.

What are your cinema stories?
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 16:00, Reply)

Sorry, I thought it was someone elses penis
A few days ago I finally managed to get a girl I've really really liked for ages (and who knows it too) into bed with me. She cuddled up to me all night and I thought "Finally, someone who will let me touch them where they wee!". In the morning she left.

Two days of silence later she announced to all our friends in the pub that she'd been so drunk that she had thought I was someone else, hence the snuggling. When she woke up she was so shocked to find out "it was that one" (with pointing) she ran off without saying anything. Bitch.

Have you ever failed to get somewhere, something or someone on the grounds that you weren't who they thought you were? (This could get a little metaphysical...)
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 23:47, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Your strange friend.
Everyones got one, a mental friend who just doesnt quite fit in with your social circle. Mine shall remain nameless as I have a suspicion he is a b3tan. He doesnt work, sits at home on the xbox most of the day will only go out to pub quizzes. Does surprisingly well with the ladies though which irks somewhat. Tell us about your strange friends.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 13:46, Reply)

Questions... Answered
Not a QOTW suggestion, but how about having another category (between Top Tips and Bugs and features), similar to Yahoo! Answers or 118118.

People with questions can post them, and helpful b3tards can answer. It's left as an exercise to the reader which answers actually contain snippets of truth.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:24, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Fresher's week
it's that time of the year...
(jonny_power boom chika wah wow, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:17, Reply)

UFOs
Tell us your stories of encounters with those of other worlds.
(mariam67, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 12:51, Reply)

Unrequited love...
Just because I'm in that sort of mood, and everyone's been there...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 10:26, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

progress/utter shit
I’ve just tried one of my little boy’s smarties - one of the few sweets mum allows - what with them being devoid of e-numbers, additives preservatives (or any bloody flavour). They taste like boiled beetles.

I fucking loved those brightly coloured hyperactive crunchy little chocolate sugar bombs as a kid. (Merkins think M&M’s but obviously less good)

What simple pleasure has ‘progress’ robbed you of?

Or put another way…

Why would being a kid now be utter shit?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 0:20, Reply)