Who's your Nemesis?
Superman has Lex Luther.
Batman the Joker.

Who was or is you Nemesis?
(Roxy_Bees, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 12:48, Reply)

Pretentious Job Titles
My daughter has got a part time job as a:
'Customer Fashion Advisor With Special Responsibility For Stock Replenishment'
She is a shop assistant in a chavy clothes shop and has to stack shelves.
What pretentious job titles have you come across and what do they really mean?
(Alf N. Safety - refusing you planning permission on, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 9:25, Reply)

It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Once, during a GCSE science lesson, we were using those ultra accurate digital scales. I had a bag of weed in my pocket, out of which i'd just smoked a rather nice joint over the lunch-break, so i obviously thought it'd be a good idea to weigh it to see exactly how much weed i had.

Somebody grassed me up and i ended up being suspended for three weeks and only escaped being expelled by the skin of my teeth.

What's the most unbelievably stupid thing you've done which seemed perfectly logical at the time?
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Tue 26 Sep 2006, 20:16, Reply)

Thick Emergency Services
Me wife was having chronic backpains, so we went into hospital and she got x-ray'ed. Looking at the x-rays with the doc, he pointed at some staples on her back spine, pointing out previous back surgery.

I pointed out it was her bra-strap.

Any failing in the emergency services that you'd care to add?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 19:30, Reply)

Office humour
Working in an office can be boring as shite, so how do you keep the morale high?

We've had the usual giant paper airplane tournament, office soccer and a full scale badminton match (while still wearing headsets), which resulted with me flipping over a chair and almost breaking me neck mid-call. What do you guys do?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 19:21, Reply)

The best laid plans of mice and men...
What have you planned that came out totally unexpectedly, for good or for bad?
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 17:00, Reply)

Rude rhymes
I want to hear all about the rude rhymes/songs/poems you sang at school. Alternative lyrics made singing practice at primary school so much more bearable:

Daisy, Daisy, give me your tits to chew,
I'm half crazy, my bollocks are turning blue,
I can't afford a johnny,
A plastic bag will do,
So lie on your back and open your crack and I'll pump it into you

And as an example of six-year-old poetry there was also the masterful,

Zippy and Bungle in the jungle having a bit of fun;
Zippy felt silly, got out his willy, and stuck it up Bungle's bum

I'm sure you can do better than this... What gems did you come out with on the playground?
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 15:10, Reply)

how to type a wookie noise?
some people can imitate chewbacca from star wars, but can you type like him?


original idea from swaza.
( Mr. Johnson, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Stupid acts
How about asking for really stupid acts done in all innocence. Mine was to wash my car with a nylon pan scourer.......
(gilesmthomas, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 21:43, Reply)

How about
practical jokes and experiments gone wrong? bonus points for nudity and involving sex
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 25 Sep 2006, 15:08, Reply)

Mispronounciations
Today my 4 year old son loudly announced he wanted to go to the cinema for some cockporn.
What interesting/embarrassing mispronounciations have you made or witnessed whether be in childhood or now?
( moogy boobles, Sun 24 Sep 2006, 17:55, Reply)

Stupidest memento ever. Especially if you still can't bear to part with it.
When I was thirteen, I kissed a boy for the first time. It was a suitably clumsy experience, and it took us bloody hours of small talk and nerves to get around to. In the end, this meant that my stomach remained tied in nervous, crampy knots for 2 days afterwards, due to the anxiety of the situation.

So, my memento of my first kiss was the two left-over peppermint life-savers from the roll I bought at school to ease my tum the next morning. *Was*, because I was actually so stoned and so poor a couple of years ago that I dug them out and ate them for the sugar hit. Mmm...five-year old lifesavers. Yummy.

(Let's not forget, either, the 'Memoirs of a Geisha', best/creepiest memento EVER- the doctor who spends all of his hard-earnt buying the virginity of each of the sauciest geishas he can get his hands on, taking a swab from their bleeding hymens after the act, putting it in a little jar and filing it along with the others. Class....though I suppose keeping yourself busy afterwards stops any chance of a conversation that would only be stilted and embarrassing).
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Sat 23 Sep 2006, 0:56, Reply)

Practical Jokes Gone Too Far
I'm not sure whether it's been asked before, but I'm always amused by practical jokes that reach the point where they cease to be funny.

For intance, it was a guy that I used to work with's last day, and we spent ages thinking up a suitable joke. The reason that he was leaving the job was because he'd just finished his Open University degree and was moving onto bigger and better things.

Being the comedy geniuses that we were, we decided to send him an email, looking as if it was from the OU telling him that there'd been a mistake and he didn't have enough credits to graduate. Me made it sound fairly convincing, and sent it from an email anonymiser where you can choose who it appears to be from.

Upon receiving it his face went white. We watched as he frantically logged onto the OU website looking for phone numbers to phone. At this point he was practically in tears. As he picked up the receiver to phone the OU, we admitted that it was a joke. He wanted to hit us. At this point, we wondered at which stage this had stopped being funny.
(gmo, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 18:26, Reply)

Celebrities & other
famous people you hate and why. What you would say/do to them given the opportunity. Or having the opportunity for real, what did you say/do to them. Politicians, sports figures, movie & tv people etc.
(barrycounty, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 14:13, Reply)

What it's really like behind the scenes at work
I worked at B+Q for a time and we we used to chortle as we tossed flatpack furniture five metres down from the warehouse shelves on to the concrete floor. A lot of them came back, I recall.
(frankspencer, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 11:53, Reply)

Shop lifting
innit






meh
( The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 11:36, Reply)

What's your greatest regret?
-
(MrTea, Wed 20 Sep 2006, 16:24, Reply)

What's the stupidest thing you've ever done at work?

(Pachey, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 13:49, Reply)

walking in on people on the bog
Have you? I have... It's usually rather embarrassing and funny, so I want to hear about the time you walked in on Tony Blair heaving out a huge one.
(teasus likes tea, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 9:35, Reply)

public enemy
I had a friend who lied for months to his girlfriend about having cancer.
What have you done to provoke hatred from everyone in the world towards yourself?
(AUG, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 3:37, Reply)

Nightmare bosses
Can't believe it's never been done.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 18 Sep 2006, 13:13, Reply)

Online ordering cockups
Last week I ordered a new cordless telephone from ebuyer. What turned up was a 17" TFT monitor worth £60 more. I'm waiting to see what I was billed for then I will complain or sell it on. Still means I have to order a phone in again...

What online or catalogue delivery errors have you had, were they in your favour and what did you do about it?
( sudo is bored, Mon 18 Sep 2006, 11:58, Reply)

Bullies
I've posted this before but fuck it, everyone else sees fit to post the same request fifty times including QOTWs that have already been done.

Bullies! Been one? Or, more likely, been on the recieving end of one? You have controlled your fear... now release your anger!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Mon 18 Sep 2006, 9:27, Reply)

The End Of The World Is Nigh - What Would YOU Do?
As you are reading this message, a newsflash on your radio/telly announces that Word War III has started. It's no joke, thermo-nuclear missiles are in flight, and will land on your town/city in 4 minutes. There's nothing you can do except wait to die. How do you spend your last few minutes? And what the fuck does 'nigh' mean anyway?

Personally, I'd try and phone my family, then boil an egg.
(Captain Bellend click 'Ignore' if YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH, Sun 17 Sep 2006, 1:12, Reply)

question of the week
funny thoughts that pop into your head
(Pete_G, Thu 14 Sep 2006, 21:04, Reply)

my worst ex
when I was about 17 I went out with a complete fruit loop, the whole think only lasted about 10 weeks, I knew it was wrong but I was 17 and needed the practice, but ever scince she has "kept in touch". I once bumped into her whilst on holiday in America, all the way from Wales for crying out loud. She feels that she has to tell all my girlfriends how great I am/ what a pathetic loser I am depending on her mood and compare them to my other exs. she still feels the need to call me late at night even though I've changed my mobile number 5 times!! Does anyone else have an ex who is more than just a bit annoying/ mental?
(the tartful splodger, Thu 14 Sep 2006, 15:42, Reply)

Cracking off over an unattractive celeb?
This is my first time of posting and it may be my last.

Last week I came across a picture of Christine Hamilton (disgraced Tory tossers wife and freelance battleaxe) I've only ever felt total apathy for her before. But this pic showed her playing the narrator in the Rocky Horror Show. There she was in suspenders and stockings and suddenly my manhood was bursting to get out of my boxers.

A few moments later I'd relieved my load and felt heartily ashamed. The worst part is that it's one of the best wanks I've ever had. Please aleviate my shame and tell me that I'm not the only one to have cracked off while thinking about an unattractive celeb?
(Wolfspur, Tue 12 Sep 2006, 14:14, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

...
most interesting place you've had a wank
(isketchmaster, Sun 10 Sep 2006, 22:20, Reply)

Practical Jokes
Such an obvious one i cant believe its not been done before?!
Like the time my mate Phil whilst teaching me to rock climb let me fall 30ft before gripping the rope again, yeah DEAD funny Phil the state of my undies however wasn't. Cock!
(Bang_the_Drums an ending fitting for the start, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 12:53, Reply)

best qotw so far and why
personally i liked the very first one, the one about inadvertent cruelty to animals. there was one about a guy throwing biscuits up and down the stairs to tease his cat.

until it puked in his lap.

that tickled me all afternoon (i know, i don't get out much)...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 12:27, Reply)