National Motto
Apparently Gordon Brown wants a national motto,

www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/2007/09/the_friday_challenge.shtml

This is what the bbc news readers managed, I think we can do better.
(DrBurkstrom, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 21:07, Reply)

How about....
"Weirdest Sexual Predicament you've ever found yourself in...".

I once pulled a lovely little lady whilst at polytechnic in the early 1990's.

We went from the union bar for a moonlight walk in the campus, our lips touched in a warm and passionate kiss under the light of the moon, then we went back to her room for some good old fashioned sex.

Except it wasnt good and old fashioned. I climbed into bed unclothed, and she appeared at the bathroom door wearing a strap on, her body, from her neck to her ample thighs (I do like 'em big, to paraphrase Benny Hill), were mottled with bruises and scars, some so intense as to actually make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up in alarm.

On questioning her about the strap on, she revealed her intention to push it's entirety up my anus as some sort of fem-dom activity.

The bruises and scars were the remnants of her enjoyment of being battered during the act. Apparently, she glibly informed me, a previous lover had broken her jaw when he punched her in the face as he came.

Now I find that quite funny... then I ran from her room in terror.

A Sexual Predicament Indeed.
(Vic Flange, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 15:11, Reply)

Just humour them
I was at a friend's house having a few drinks and a few laughs, when the topic of discussion turned to games consoles, and particularly the new 'wii' console that had just been released. My friend 'Cous' jumped in saying 'i need a Wii'....and knowing what was coming i decided to ignore what he'd said (as did everyone else) and he repeats slightly louder 'I need a Wii' until someone acknowledged what he said and he stands up with a shit-eating grin and says 'No, i really need a wee' and off he goes to the bathroom.

I was so hoping he wouldn't have gone through with such a predictable and shite joke, but we had to laugh.....right?

So what have you giggled at/rolled your eyes at/killed someone just to humour them?
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Lost
My grandmother once managed to get lost in her own back garden. She was picking fruit and looked up to see what she thought was her neighbour's washing hanging out, which looked surprisingly identical to her own, because it was indeed her own.

Tell us your stories of getting lost.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:47, Reply)

Regretful actions of peer intimidation...
What do you regret most about things you felt intimidated to do by your peers?

I once went rabbit hunting with my friend and his dad. I killed Thumper. 10 times.
(allywilson, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 14:36, Reply)

The age of chivalry is not quite dead
I have oft been accused of being a gentleman by those who know me well. One example of this was an occasion where I took a lady out one evening, funded her drinks and then declined her amorous advances upon returning home on the grounds that she was drunk and I wasn't.

What acts of courageous chivalry have you taken part in which make you wake up the next day and think "Oh fucksocks!"?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 12:07, Reply)

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Abefroman and me were discussing who would win in a fight between Rupert the Bear and Paddington.

Also: in the Andi Peters/Pip Schofield naked oily wrestling match, who would triumph?

Who would you like to see fight?

And who would win?
(Jugular, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 12:02, Reply)

Stories of unsurpassed brilliance
Whilst I was passing through Miami airport at the tender age of 21, I fancied a beer. Admittedly it was the middle of the afternoon, but I'd had a terrible flight and the prospect of another required fortitude.

"ID" said the charming Southerner behind the desk, so I got out my passport and showed it to her.

"You have to be 21," she said. Now this confused me slightly as I had been 21 for several months by this point and my date of birth was staring her in my face.

"I am 21," I replied helpfully "it says so there, look"

"You have to be 21", she said getting angry.

Cut a long story short, I argued, the manager came out, I argued with him before I finally realised that they weren't looking at the date of birth at all. They were looking at the date of *issue*

That would have made me an annoyingly precocious four year old. What examples of unsurpassed mental genius have you experienced?
( Kroney, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 10:41, Reply)

Worst Christmas Ever
I got the idea for this one from an opening sequence to a very bad pornographic movie. I acctually never saw this, (it was played during week long australian high school graduation celebrations and I was sleeping off the night before) but it was retold to me numerous times.

A man at a bar describes what a crappy christmas he's having and asks the man next to him what his worst christmas was like, we focus on the man as he says "I remember my worst christmas ever" and cross dissolve to a scene of him coming home to his wife having hot, graphic sex with the mailman. That's gotta be hard to top, but I'm sure there's some sad, scarred b3tans out there that can do it.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 10:18, Reply)

Hang on a second...
We've all had it happen; something happens and it's not till later that soemthing clicks in your mind and you realise what it means.

Example: A friend of mine once took a phone call, talked for a while, then came and sat down to watch some tv with me.
About five minutes later, my friend suddenly sat upright, turned to me with an expression of utter confusion and said "Wait a minute, how does [person on the phone] know my number? I never gave it to him."

What are your 'Hang on...' stories?
(Uncle Comrade, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 10:10, Reply)

rudeness
what is the rudest you've ever been to someone/had them been to you? my friend rebeccaslicker was once horrified to be addressed over the counter by a customer in the estate agency where we worked at the time, who attracted her attention by yelling:

"oi you. come here you little shit!"

charming...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 9:55, Reply)

Childrens' (mis)interpretations
When my sister still went to kindergarten, the teachers sat all the children down for one of their lessons. That days' theme was death...

"Ok, children. Today we're going to tell you about death. Does anyone know someone who's dead?"

My sister raised her hand into the air and said:
"My mom's dead"

The teachers all turned somber.
One of them turned to my sis' and said with a voice full of sympathy:
"She is...?"

And my sister replied with an equally somber voice:
"Yea, she's dead serious..."

What have children in your vicinity misinterpreted?
(Sleepish misses her pillow, Tue 18 Sep 2007, 17:18, Reply)

Most bizarre thing you have ever seen?
A few years ago, I was driving down a main road and the guy in the car in front of me, whizzed some large slices of bread out of the window, over his car towards the pavement, and the bread hit a cyclist right in the face.

'Ha ha that bread hit that cyclist' chuckled me and pal.

Little further down the road, more bread flies out of the window and hits another cyclist in the side of the head!

Eh?

This guy in the car was on his own, so not trying to impress mates, he carried slices of bread in his car door pocket ready for innocent cyclists and his aim was spot on.

Beeeeezzare!

Length? Looked like Warbutons toastie sliced, about 6 inches I'd say.
(Not now Darling I liked it until, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 15:12, Reply)

weird gmail links
gmail users, you know those links they put at the side of your emails? some bot scans your emails and then puts in links according to what's written in your messages. seemingly, they're quite random.

this week, they've tried to link me to:
dog eczema
a Buddha machine
telescopic police batons.

what weird links has gmail suggested to you?
( gypsy turnips, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 17:35, Reply)

Fines
After giving a blow job in a train toilet at Victoria Station, I had to act as though I was sick so that I could get back through the ticket barriers without incurring a fine as I didn't have a ticket.

What have you done to avoid paying a fine?
(Prawn, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 13:04, Reply)

how about a qotw on
bodily fluids
(branflakes, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 13:51, Reply)

Charity Pushers
I've found a few ingenious ways to get rid of the folks that stand around on streets, hassling people to join charities:

1. The phrase "If I can look at your baps for the entire time you talk, then yeah" works quite well.

2. When they make dreaded eye contact, point to behind them in true Invasion of the Bodysnatchers style and the moment they turn round, peg it.

3. Rugby tackle. All you need to say.

What ways have you guys found?
(emcake putting a donk on it since, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 22:30, Reply)

Cultural Ignorance
I seem to remember hearing the sorry tale of an American tourist visiting Italy and, upon seeing a restaurant serving Pizza, remarking: "Oh, look they have American food here."

Stories abound of ignorant tourists uttering unbelieveably dumb stuff. What musings of outstanding stupidity have you overheard?
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 22:01, Reply)

why are they allowed on the road?
my first car got written off by a guy going into the back of me when I was at standstill. He was very helpful immediately afterwards though, as he had "experience". he explained that he had 9 points on his licence and had only had his car for a week having written the previous one off going into the back of a bus.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 20:04, Reply)

From the mouths of babes...
Whilst watching "Mighty Joe Young" with my wife recently, one of the characters refers to the 900 pound gorilla. She asks me, "Is that how much it cost?".

Not so long after, watching puppets being ravished by cats in "Team America World Police" she asks me, "Are the puppets made of meat?".

What inciteful query has your darling spouse renderered you speechless with?
(daddypigsaw Geddinthebackothevan!, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 14:14, Reply)

Haiku
A (loose) Haiku verse
Describe something funny please
Then we can all laugh

The only rule is
Use seventeen syllables
You don't have to rhyme

oh, and this one:
Writing a poem
In seventeen syllables
is very diffi...

Isn't allowed, it's not yours, see? (not mine either...)
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 16:34, Reply)

When time stands still
Saw this discussion on the site and thought it would make for a good QOTW

www.b3ta.com/links/119923

When have you put your foot in it to such an extent the room goes quiet and everyone winces for they know the mental anguish you are about to experience?
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 16:14, Reply)

TALES OF CUSTOMER SERVICE
We have all had to take on crummy jobs from time to time, and those who say "There is no such thing as a stupid question!" have obviously not worked in customer service!

Among the classics, such as "Do you work here?" (no, I just wear the uniform for fun!) and "Is this for sale" (no, we just keep that around for our amusement!) I have been asked some really dumb and stupid questions in my time.

Surely you can do better?
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Sun 9 Sep 2007, 11:39, Reply)

Last Ditch Effort
Apparently in the Air Force guys are trying to get kicked out by pretending they're gay. One guy actually sucked his sleeping roommate's dick. The military's response?

"Nope. Sorry, we don't believe you're actually gay."

So now he's not only still in the military, but everyone knows he's the guy that sucked a dick and it didn't work out.

Tell us about your last ditch efforts. Did they work out or did they fail horribly?
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 14:07, Reply)

Workplace gossip
Workplace gossip is great, isn't it?
At mine, everyone is talking about the new girl is in love with my supervisor who looks like a garden gnome.

Also, the new boy with BO may or may not have a crush on me.

What drama is unfolding at your workplace at the moment?
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 13:46, Reply)

A fine romance
what is the most stupidly romantic gesture you have ever made only for it to be thrown in your face/ back fire hideously?
me personally I took my then girlfriend to New York, and proposed to her on the viewing deck of the Empire State Building but instead of an engagement ring I presented her with an $800 dollar pair of shoes, she was shoe mad!
her response, she didn't like them in that colour. Needless to say the realationship did not last much longer.
A mate of mine burned his bedroom out lighting candles and jossticks to set the mood.
there must be thousand of romantic disaster stories out there......
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 12:02, Reply)

QOTW idea
How about; "when has a friend landed you in it without realising?"
(The Inevitable Pelican, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 1:10, Reply)

Aphorism
What's your favourite? My current one is

Lord, Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the good eyesight to tell the difference.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 3 Sep 2007, 9:02, Reply)