some gay shit :)
A couple of years ago, I decided (in my then infinite wisdom) that it would be a good idea to run for the post of President of my students union at university. With the benefit of hindsight, as does always happen, I've decided that life would have been far better if that thought hadn't even entered the same postcode as my brain. But, hey oh, these things happen.

Anyway, bit of background... I was at the time also President of my sports club (for various reasons, principally my own safety, details shall remain anon!), so making that leap in the visious circle that is union politics at the time (again, that phrase "at the time" grrr) seemed like the natural progression.

However, what I wasn't aware of was that I had managed to pissed someone off in my sports club. To this day I don't know how: all I know is that with a couple of weeks to go until the big election day, this person (he shall hereafter be termed *git*) had managed to run such a nasty and personally embarrasing smeer campaign around the university that I had ended up being kicked out of my beloved sports club and lost my girlfriend in the process.

And so the anger set in. I couldn't give a toss about anything else right then, including the SU electoral campaign itself: all I wanted was pure 'n' simple revenge of the evil variety.

Skip forward a couple of days, to the Saturday before the big election day. I'm in the gym on campus when, who else should walk in as I'm leaving but *git* himself. Always having my suspicions of this little tosser anyway, I immeadiately set to work while his puny 5ft 2in, 8 stone body made a pathetic attempt at "pumping iron" (wow. even after all this time, I still have "issues").

Making a quick dash round the corner to the campus shop, I made a discreet purchase of some top-shelf magazines... but some of the Dale Winton-esque variety. Wondering back to the gym with said mags neatly tucked under my training top, I equally discretely picked up *git*'s sports-bag and wondered ito the changing rooms with it.

Making a quick check to ensure no-one else was around, I wondered into the toilets and squatted... on top of *git*'s sports bag... producing an almighty sold yet foul-smelling (and, disturbingly at the time, slightly off-colour) shit which was deposited in said sports bag under *git*'s spare clothes. Oh, and along with the mags too.

Now, I thought that that would be the end of that. Oh god no.

Having a quiet drink with my best mate up in the sports bar about an hour later, after I'd got changed and showered, all ready to face the outside world... when in walks *git* with a couple of his mates. I gritted my teeth silently in the corner with my Guinness Extra-Cold as *git* proceeded to sit down on a stool at the bar.

All of a sudden, one of *git*'s mates proclaimed quite loudly "'ere ****, what 'da fuck is that smell?! ... I think it's coming from your bag..."

Que the three idiots blindly rooting around in *git*'s bag until they eventually fall upon the now shit-covered gay-porn magazines. A deafly hush now fell, during which I (acompanied my my friend) strolled out.

For two years I've kept that a secret, with the only people knowing the true culprit until now being the friend that was with me at the time, the current love of my life, my sister, my cousin and my parents. And for all that time, virtually every one on campus (thanks to the miracle that is Chinese Whispers) has believed that *git* is deeply involved with some weird, shitty gay-porn fetish cult.

Thankyou, my b3ta-ians, for letting me bare my soul and relieve this burden from my conscience.
Of course, it's only a matter of time before I'm either shot or hounded out of university as the truth circulates amongst the general populous....... :-D
(mmmmm... pie, Fri 14 May 2004, 2:13, Reply)

In a certain North London Fire Station............
There is (or at least was) a 20 year old framed picture on the wall of then local MP and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. She is surrounded by the boys of Red Watch and smiling whilst holding a large mug of tea.
Each of the firemen in that photo had specially wiped their dirty, stinking cocks around the inside of that mug before her "photo opportunity" visit.
Sweet revenge for the wave of Fire Station closures that she had instigated. I feel sure that she is not aware of this to this day.
(george_w_anker, Fri 14 May 2004, 2:12, Reply)

Another one...
The same friend I was with when I acquired the bell told me of going to the car of someone he hated one night and pulling back the weatherstripping at the base of the car's windows, and applying a thick coating of Vaseline to the inside. That way when the guy rolled his window down and rolled it back up, he got a fresh coat of greasy film on the glass every time...

Next of the agenda of things to do to the car of a total asshole: mix up some 5 ton epoxy and glue his brake pads to the rotors.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 14 May 2004, 2:08, Reply)

Many many years ago
When people used to use the speaking clock, one of my brother's mates had a falling out with his current squeeze. When they couldn't stand each other any more he told her to move out of his flat. To make it easier he went away for the weekend to get out from under her feet while she packed, on the understanding that she would be gone by the time he returned.
When he did return he noticed (after a fair while) that the telephone was off the hook. He picked it up and listened, as you would, and she'd left it on the speaking clock, (from about 5 minutes after he left on the Friday evening it turned out). There was however one small additional complication, the speaking clock had an American accent...
Cost him hundreds, and this was in the late seventies when that was proper money.
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:58, Reply)

granitewitch,
you should try to hide it and have it go off in short bursts, that way it will defintely go off more than once, and like 20 second every 48 hours.

just an idea

(edit) you could also add a little irony in to the situation by signing her up to firemans weekly, or bellringers monthly, or perhaps more subtly, noise pollution/ environmental polution letters.... etc. ear protection catalouges,, sound insulation catlouges
(Nicky Nacky Noo... Scratch and Sniff Please, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:58, Reply)

I haven't done it yet, but...
Recently a friend and I went through an old abandoned building downtown, and in a pile of junk I found an old alarm bell- you know, the kind with the 8" diameter bell that hangs on the wall, usually meant for fire alarms and the like. I took it home and discovered that it works just fine.

My plan is to hook it up to a timer set to go off at about 3am, and hide it under my ex-wife's front porch. But before I do, I'm going to strip it down and sandblast the bell, then paint it a nice bright cheery yellow and put a smiley face on it (complete with "Have a nice day" written around the rim). I can just picture the bitch's face now when she finds it in the middle of the night...

Edit: Nicky, I like the way you think. I may have to investigate a better grade of timer, just so I can do that. I also thought of hooking it up to a motion sensor so that it would only be active for the night (keeping the timer idea), and would go off whenever a cat went by or something, which would make it very sporadic...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 14 May 2004, 1:55, Reply)

She was a bitch........
She was evil, she was head of accounts, her name was Ralph. Well, not really, it was Margaret, but we called her Ralph because she had hair like Ralph Coates (70s football fans nodding in appreciation). She had a deeply unpleasant condition that meant her body did not filter waste properly and instead of going through her bladder, her piss came through her skin. Something like that, anyway. She constantly smelt of stale wee. Because of this she constantly sprayed herself with "4711", another remnant of the 70s, to stop people throwing up when they went near her.
Anyway, she sacked Kirk, officially because of his timekeeping, but in reality because he was black. You could do things like that back then. Kirk was my best mate. I was furious, but not furious enough to walk out on the cushiest job in the world (that came later). I waited until she went home half day on the following Friday (flexi hours, she always did) and I took her toilet water to it's spiritual home - the toilet.
I took the sprayer off, emptied half of the sickly smelling liquid down the bog and carefully filled it back up with piss.
She had no idea. She was constantly surrounded by the smell of piss, so she never even noticed. Everyone else in the office noticed that her smell had got worse, but only me and Ted knew why. That bottle lasted a good two months after I did that. Sweet.
(george_w_anker, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:53, Reply)

Oh, and this one's totally disgusting
I was told by someone who used to be in the military that one night in the barracks a group of dirty little perverts got it into their heads to empty the soap dispensers in the toilets and fill them with... yes, you guessed it... spooge... They must have been up all night (no pun intended) to fill the dispensers to a decent level. Few noticed until it was far too horribly late, as the original soap in question had been a pearly white in color....
(Mabel DelTaco, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:52, Reply)

Once..
There was this guy in college who was just too irritating for words. He really used to piss everyone off terrible, so one time halfway through the lesson he got up to do something, (remember the old 486's where you could lock the keyboard with a key?) Well I locked his keyboard for the shear fun of it. Had an idiot of a teacher not even realised what happened, hitting all the keys with him wondering wth had happened to it. So in the end he had to sit the rest of the lesson out doing nothing and catch up on it all during free time, hah!
(TmsT, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:48, Reply)

Not me but classic
A friend of mine works in a shearing hotel serving cheap holidays for old fogies who occasionally redecorate the bathrooms and die.

His boss is a right twunt and loves to think of himself as some sort of god for working 90 hour weeks and earning rubbish money. Anyways they are always at each other throats and it is not uncommon for them to be scrapping in front of guests. One particularly funny revenge he took was to put his boss's car for sale in Scot-ads (a free national ads paper) for 500 quid, was probably worth about 8k, resulting in many enquiries. When his boss found out about this he went nuts and gave him a written warning which he then framed and put up on the wall beside all the awards the hotel had won for all to see!
(noah472, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:47, Reply)

I love my friend SO much...
Long story short... crazy girl flipped out on me at the club one week, for literally no apparent reason. She'd been nice to me before that, and nice to me five minutes before she yelled something very rude at me. I was kind of confused, to say the least. This Sunday my friends were at the same club and someone stopped by their table to put some purses and jackets on the table. "Do you mind if I put my stuff here? This is [crazy girl]'s drink, she'll come by for it later." My friends smiled sweetly, of course they didn't mind! Then my one wonderful darling friend leaned over, hiding behind a jacket, and summoned up the raunchiest, slimiest spit bomb she could and expelled it into said crazy bitch's drink.

The best part of this story is that when the girl came by for her drink, my friend smiled and said "That is SUCH a cute purse! Where did you get it?" Miss Sato, I love you so much!
(Mabel DelTaco, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:46, Reply)

This one is ongoing
but ont saturday 21st of may, this will happen to all the computers at my former place of work

thanks to a handy combination of windows scheduler and a program called "dead mans switch"

That'll teach the baastard not to fire the only member of staff that knows anything about computers, and by feckin letter! didn't even have the balls to tell me to my face
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:40, Reply)

Ooh... more uni tales
A couple of my mates sharing a room in my halls were constantly playing practical jokes on each other - little things like apple pie beds, washing up liquid in the shampoo, salt in tea etc. These escalated until one hit the jackpot by sprinkling powdered milk in the other's bed - when you sweat it really gets into your skin and the bedclothes and no amount of showering seems to get it out. His friend's plan for revenge was to replace his roomie's sheets with lots of stuck together sheets of newspaper, carefully rearranging the quilt over the top so that nothing was visible at first glance. Unfortunately just as he'd finished the cleaner arrived to change the sheets. My friend didn't say a word and pretended to look as surprised as the cleaner when his handiwork was discovered. His room mate had a rather odd reputation among the hall staff after that, so maybe his revenge worked out better than he'd originally planned after all!
( numberbruncher - correct by nature, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:39, Reply)

most people have done the classic 'shaving eyebrows'
but i went one further, and shaved a bald strip into some guys head.

did i mention his hair was a good 5inches long?

why? because the bastard said, after punching me in the gut, that 'their is no way you could ever make me look stupid'

i also now know why people give me funny looks
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:37, Reply)

summer job gone bad
I used to have a summer job hiring out rowing boats, there several of us all doing the same job and getting on each others tits. Tit for tat revenge started to take place for any upset that took place.

Including being manhandled into a boat with no oars and being shoved out into the lake.
Being manhandled into a wheelie bin and launched of the end of a pier.
Pissing in each others wellies at night ready for the next morning.
Shitting in someones shoes whilst they wear their piss tainted wellies.
Calling people a "shitty shoe bastard".
Hiding each others bicycles by hoisting them into trees.
Hiding someones mini by manhandling it into the lake (I kid you not).

Theres moree...
(stupotty, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:33, Reply)

would have done for last weeks too but i didnt get round to it
Many moons ago i lived in a flat that was best described as a 2 year long party. One of the regular visitors to this abode had a particularly bad habit of falling asleep and wetting himself.
As unsanitary as the conditions were we were not endeared to this certain character trait and decided to do something about it. The next time he fell asleep one of the lads dissapeared to the toilet only to return about 5 minutes later with one of the largest turds i have ever seen wrapped up in newspaper. This was then placed in the offenders trousers (he was that wrecked he didnt wake up) before we shook him violently awake because we were all going to the pub.
The look on his face was classic as he realised what he had in his trousers, made his excuses and waddled off home like john wayne.
He still doesnt know to this day that it wasnt his.
(barandis, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:30, Reply)

Moog
I lived for a year at university in the same halls of residence that Prince William later lived in. My corridor was cursed by a particularly offensive twat nicknamed Moog and, come to think of it, he did look about as dense as his Will o' the Wisp namesake.

We all soon tired of behaviour like waking everyone up in the middle of the night by kicking holes in the walls or setting off fire extinguishers, leaving two foot long logs sticking out of the toilets, and nicking everyone else's food from the fridge. So I bought a pint of milk, laced it with washing up liquid, labelled it with my name, and left it in the fridge. As luck would have it not half an hour had passed before Moog could be heard going into the kitchen boasting to his mate about his fridge raiding habits. The sound of the fridge door opening was followed a few seconds later by violent retching and swearing as he learned about the sanctity of other people's property the hard way.
( numberbruncher - correct by nature, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:29, Reply)

I'm alright jack
THere used to be this really inconsiderate obnoxious, dickhead that used to race around our area, like a fast maureen from driving school, and one day he twatted a mates car and wrote it off without stopping and owning up, so my mate was pretty much shafted, we tried to reason with the guy, giving it all the "we understand if you panicked" business,but he remained a cunt. Unfortunately he became the victime of a very localised crime spree, must have been bad carma.. er karma or something coz that night all the windows were replaced by very pretty glass shards, the luster of the body work was much improved by removing as much of that dulling pigment covering its surface with a caustic fluid, and to cap it all off, would you believe it, the car was bricked up the wheels were stolen and some bastard kicked it off the bricks so you couldn't get a jack under it.

Thats Hayes for you. Full of thieving scaggs.

2 days later it caught fire you know. I dont know, if its not nailed down......... The poor bloke wasnt even insured you know.

Oh well
(Nicky Nacky Noo... Scratch and Sniff Please, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:24, Reply)

i frigging hate one of my f(l)atmates....
so she'd been giving me earache about playing my music too loud, breathing too loud, having stupid hair, talking to people too often, being better with photoshop and illustrator than her (she's a design student... and she's shit but she gets good grades?) ANYWHO onto the point...
i'd reached my breaking point so i went into the kitchen and cooked some mushroom soup (powder stuff) i then got her milk emptied it and replaced it with the mushroom soup... and left it to cool, when it was cool enough i stuck it in the fridge...

i wasn't there to see her face but i was there to see the large yellowy vomit puddle she had left after her face had as my friend had elequently put it from something hideous to something ungodly...

she still has yet to figure out who it was...
( GrandmaOfShoes, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:21, Reply)

Ok, so i used to live with this prick and his girlfriend and my best mate
and you need to understand he was a prick, a complete northern prick (i'm sorry, i mean no offence to northeners, i just want you all to imagine the prickiest northern bloke you can imagine) its a long story (as per usual with my qotw answers) but me and my mate ended up leaving in the night without telling the other two.

As i left i was going to wash the toilet with his tooth brush, you know, the oldies are the best... but instead i cleaned his toothbrush immaculately... then scrubbed my bell end clean with it, now i dont wanna get to detailed, but i am a student and hadn't showered in a coulple of days. We then hid an ounce of weed in his hand luggage (he was off to catch a plane the next day, and doesn't smoke so it was no loss if it worked or not), i then pissed in this stew he had made that night and let his dog out onto the street (we wern't meant to have pets in the house, but he was such an arse)

i never told my mate the extremes i went to, although she knows i did something due to the cheeky grin on my face, i was set to ignore on his msn the very next day, so i don't even know what happened... but it was worth it!
(pleasedeletemeplease, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:19, Reply)

I seem to remember having the shits for a month
:)
( AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:18, Reply)

christ! i seem to be remebering them all now!
several years ago (again, after a infidelity-related split), i decided to go on a trip to london

with a bunch of home-made "calling cards", which i promtly distributed around as many central london phoneboxes as i could find
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:17, Reply)

another one!
when my 'friend' decided to break the unwritten rule, and started dating the girl id been chasing after for months, i put laxatives in his tea.

for a month.
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:14, Reply)

Cutting a VERY long story short.
I hated a friend of mine so I had sex with his girlfriend before he did and she ended up dumping him for me.
( AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:12, Reply)

erm... my only thought is, once whilst drunk at a mates house i called someone a thick twat
his cunning revenge was to pick up a lump of 2x4 and twat me round the head with it knocking me out cold

we're rather direct oop north
( lemony, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:12, Reply)

Our office landlord was a cunt to me on several occasions, and ive done the following:

pissed in his coffee
got a dog (canine, not munter) to lick his supply of doughnuts and pastries
let the air out of his car tyres
left a congealled pint of milk 'hidden' in his office (and apparently, he still hasnt found it, despite the smell)

and various other things, like scratching my balls, then wiping my hand over his keyboard/desk

edit: ive doe a lot more things to many other people, i'll add em as i think of em
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:10, Reply)

When in uni
We put a deposit on a flat but the letting agent decided to give it to someone else. When we called in to pick up the keys, the twunt had given the flat to someone else. So we cursed the cocking fuck and on the way out picked up one of his brochures. Then spent the next few days driving around the city removing all of his To Let signs from all his houses
( the art of xen Missing John Martyn RIP, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:10, Reply)

Signed an ex-mate upto several 'horny housewives' type porn mags...
...and had them delivered under his name to his fiances flat.
( Manofmilk walks without rhythm but still attracts the worm, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:08, Reply)

Not strictly revenge,
but someone who left their job recently printed "cunts" in 8 point pale grey on a couple of reams of paper, and filled the photocopier with it. It was tomsks idea I seem to recall.
( supermoore: HUNG, Fri 14 May 2004, 1:08, Reply)