there was an old man from Thirroul
who soliliquised thus to his tool:
"you took all my wealth
then you ruined my health
and now you won't pee, you old fool!"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 8:50, Reply)

Sadly....
I can't name companies but anyone anywhere who has bought a car from a 'used car supermarket' or any financial product from the same.

Day in day out I speak to people who haven't asked the questions or read the small print and have been truly kippered up by a smooth talking salesman into paying way over the odds for car/finance/warranty.

Sometimes I go home and cry for you. Not really
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 8:43, Reply)

Back in 1982
I bought a video game about some alien for my Atari.
(Le Man Marathon in English 'The Marathon Man', Fri 16 Feb 2007, 8:07, Reply)

I used to own a Neo-Geo cartridge system.....
£250 a top game a time?

Thank fuck I discovered MAME32.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 7:52, Reply)

Not me, but my Mum
She's worked for the Halifax Building Society for 26 years, starting in the office and working her way through personell, software testing, all sorts.

Her Current Salary? 13,000! 18 year olds joing from college start pay is 5 grand higher!. She is at the top of a grade which no longer exists, because transferring her out of it will ensure she would get a huge pay hike, so they refuse to do it.Her rent alone takes 3 quarters of her pay. And every time they come round with redundancies, they purposely overlook her (even when she wanted to nurse my sick father) as they know 26 years of service would cost them an arm and a leg.

And what were their profits last year?

Cunts.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 7:14, Reply)

Cafetiere from Tescos
I bought a cheap Cafetiere from Tescos the other day. First time I use it, I'm in my office sorting out a load of tax stuff - receipts everywhere. I go to push the plunger down and instead of bubbling nicely through the filter bit, it sprayed out of the top like a fucking fountain - all over my receipts.

And because the receipts were mainly printed on that heat sensitive paper, the boiling coffee turned them all black, so now I can't claim tax relief on all the crap that i've bought this year.

Arse.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 7:14, Reply)

Pretending to be a drug dealer
When I was at high school, I was best mates with a guy we'll call Edwin. Edwin smoked a not inconsiderable amount of weed during his tenure at high school, and acquired something of a reputation in the lower years. He was derided as "the stoner" of our year, even though there were others who could smoke him under the table. It's just that Edwin made no secret about his habit.

Anyway, the younger kids would jeer at him. "Stoooner! Why don't you go home and smoke some pot?" Intellectual stuff like that. Then, one day, one of the kids who had once lead the jeering came up to Edwin. He had all the hallmarks of someone who knew nothing about drugs trying to buy some.

"So...err...Edwin. You...you smoke weed, don't you?" he says.

"Yeah. What's it to you?" Edwin replies.

The kid verbally shuffles around for a few minutes before asking to buy some weed. Edwin thinks for a moment and then agrees. Now, bear in mind that he's never sold drugs and he's never actually been a dealer.

"Yeah. Come and see me tomorrow and I'll have some for you. Bring $50."

Later that afternoon, I'm at Edwin's house for some reason or other, probably to play GTA or listen to Ulver or something. We're in the kitchen, raiding the pantry for possible sustenance, when I ask him "Are you actually going to sell that little shit some of your stash?"

"Ha! Fuck no!" he replies with a scoff. "I've got a better idea. I'm going to sell him the most expensive oregano he'll ever buy." Edwin replies.

And so he does. $50 for a tiny little bag of oregano. The kid came back the next day and told Edwin how "totally chronic" it was. Fucking idiot.
(Zaarin is on board the last train to Transcentral, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 6:46, Reply)

given the poor value that some people have received from my jokes

I'd like to take this opportunity to offer everyone a full refund.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 6:38, Reply)

not me, but apparently some people
pay for CDs for some reason.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 6:00, Reply)

You want rippped off?
the other day halfway between Melbourne and Sth. Australia we had to stop for lunch. Brought two buckets of hot chips, 8 dim sims, two potato cakes and four drinks - all take away!
Damage at Till $27.60 - highway bloody robbery
Do Not Eat In Skipton!
( Zank Frappa Who let the lefties in?, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 5:03, Reply)

I dont really like leaving my home office to go out on the tools,
But a friend of mine did ask me to go to a site & quote the client, because he was too busy. So I sent a quote for $835.00 to put 2 drop bolts on a door & move an exit sign. thinking that there was no way they would accept it.
They signed & returned the confirmation within 5 minutes & transfered the money to my account as soon as I finished the job.
KA_CHING!
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 4:25, Reply)

blundetto
it's very easy to cancel direct debits, just log into your internet banking and cancel them.
it stops you from paying out any more money whilst you cancel your account.

i once went for a drink in upmarket bristol (i.e. clifton and redland, bloody bris uni students) and spent 18 on a three drink round.
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 4:22, Reply)

I once baught a printer from Staples with £20 in real money,
and £140 in counterfeit £20s. Fake twenties I had printed on a printer I had bought there the day before. A printer they had sold me, I had got it home, found it to have a dodgy paper feeder, and Staples refused to take it back.

However, when I bought the original printer, I noticed that staples didn't even check the cash given to them 'cause I counted it out infront of them. The clerk just grabbed the notes and stuck 'em in the register. So I decided to be audacious. The dodgy printer would still print, but it would crease and tear the bottom portion of the page, and not drop it in the tray, jamming the next page. But it sufficed for me to scan a £20 back and front, and run off a bunch of bills on a stock of paper that resembled cash. After scrunching them up to different degrees and writing a phone number on one for extra authenticity, I went to staples. I took the very same kind of printer to the counter. I counted out the 7 fake notes and one real one on the top (just in case they decided to check one) and the cashier just stuffed the whole wad into the till without checking any of them. And that is the story of how I counter-robbed staples for robbing me.

I have plenty more stories, but I don't feel like typing them out right now.
( MarkyH feels like the H in Bob Hoskins' name, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 4:14, Reply)

Why, only last week
I once ripped my clothes off, ran outside, pressed my genitals up against my next door neighbours car window and started smearing them up and down whilst running through the actions of the 'YMCA', all in protest at her parking her car too close to mine and not leaving me enough room to get in and out which she does on a constant daily basis.

This probably doesn't count but as I'm off now to do the same again, but to the tune of 'In the Navy', I really couldn't give an arctic monkeys.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 3:03, Reply)

My mate Dave has no sense of smell.
This was aptly demonstrated when he whipped out a baggie full of 'cannabis oil' which was actually, er, mint sauce.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 2:34, Reply)

Goa XXX
The second time I was in Goa I went to see Goa AFC play. So impressed by their performance I decided to get the football shirt in Calangute the very same day. I tried on the, oh so very static building (Van der graff) nylon shirt in an XL. It didn't fit. Nor did the XXL. Upon asking for a bigger size the wee bloke went away and came back with a bigger size, which he assured me would be ok. Upon returning to my hotel I found that the XXL size label just had an exra X biro'd in.

Length constant, girth variable due to amoebic dysentery.
(Carling in a Stella glass Sky high and six thousand miles away, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 1:58, Reply)

fast food bastards
Every freaking time I go thru the drive thru, they have some bastard that cant speak English, taking the orders. In no time I'm half way home only to find out I got a freaking diet coke (which the bastards pronounce "die co" cause their language has no fucking t, c, or k obviously. Ripped off everytime.
(Peripheral Visionary, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 1:34, Reply)

blundetto
...maybe our shortcake-munching cousins have such unholy things as 'hundred pound notes', I'd not know, never venturing closer to the haggises than Carlisle.

However- I forgot to mention that UK law states that it is an offence to "pass ..." counterfeit currency. The upshot is that if I give a shady tenner to the bloke behind the bar and he spots it, he commits an offence when he gives it back to me saying " I'm not accepting this, it's made from kitchen roll and crayon" or whatever.

Anyway, pointless pedantry aside...
(TwoFourAlpha, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 1:30, Reply)

I used to work in a bar in Truro (since re-named).
In the same town there is a call centre for a mortgage company so utterly cuntish that they were featured on Panorama after a few families lost their homes with particularly small loans (they were the kings of rip of fucks).

Every so often, the total wankers from their call centre would bring their vulture staff in and put a shitload of money on a tab for them all to use. We used to use this to make up any missing bar stock. If they ordered two pints of lager, they'd pay for four pints and maybe a reb bull!

I feel no guilt as the call centre staff were mainly smug twats (many of whom were seventeen year olds who were wearing a suit for the first time and feeling pretty important) who rammed the bar, were rude to the bar staff and generally acted as though we should be serving nobody but them. It is so nice to know that about half of the up-to-a-grand they'd put on tab came to us and they were too shit to notice.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 1:17, Reply)

Soho strip joints - the ultimate rip off
mrkyle I think I went to the same strip joint as you. It was in the basement and we were the only ones in there. When we went to leave we found they had locked the front door. Some huge black dude forced us to order another two pints at 10 quid each before they opened the door.

Length - probably a lot smaller than his.
(veniceboy lives in California, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 1:02, Reply)

oh yeh
oh yeah two four alpha about nabi they were blatantly in Scotland
(Blundetto, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 1:02, Reply)

Right so...
Move into my new flat near an upmarket area of Bristol, with lots of female students to look at(University students btw) , with my bro. My brother actually stole the widescreen tv from his last habitat which is nice.

Anyway I want to get broadband and hours of searching the deals ith other peoples WiFi i think Pipex is for me. so

Next day.. oh whats this talk talk is doing a better deal well okay pipex says you can cancel within seven days with no charge so i cancel and go to talk talk with inclusive phone line.

1 1/2 months later
talk talk comes through but by this time im with Tiscali who i highly recommend, very efficient, and ive spent hours trying to talk to talk talk and 50 quid listening to fucking Thunderclap Newman teling me we've got to get it together. yes talk talk get it to fucking gether.

Anyway just got a couple of letters in the post from solicitors from both Pipex and Talk Talk saying their taking me to court (yeah right im not a home owner so why bother i thinks) even though i told them quit numerous times.

What really pissed me off is asking to see the direct debits out of my account and im signed up to three fucking broadband companies. Now talk talk are stopping BT from taking over the phone line by keeping open but not allowing any inoming or outgoing call, blackmailing bastards.

whoa im glad i got that out. bastards
(Blundetto, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 0:58, Reply)

Britannia - The bastards
Peregrin - I remember Britannia. Got sucked into that one too. Was about 15 at the time and thought it would be a good way to increase my CD collection. I think it probably cost me near 16 quid a CD by the end and once they sent me an "M People" CD because I had failed to order in time and charged me 15.99 for that shite which I wasn't allowed to return.
(veniceboy lives in California, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 0:54, Reply)

Nabi - not surprised...
Shall I be first?

Nabi, not surprised your mate got turned down proffering a 'hundred pound note'

Notes here only go up to Fifties.
(TwoFourAlpha, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 0:25, Reply)

Fucking Fairtrade.
I once paid £1.30 for a 250ml bottle of Fairtrade orange juice which tasted like sick. To be fair, that did save time.
(FUCK OFF, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 0:24, Reply)

I bought one of those "MAKE MONEY FROM HOME" things on the internet
And even though it was "Guaranteed," I didn't get any money back.

Don't fall for it.
(Zoidberg Jr - Food, you say?, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 0:21, Reply)

I got thoroughly ripped off
my mates convinced me to go to this place called a 'club' - it cost me six quid to get in and I had to sit in a smelly corner on a wobbly chair listening to the kind of music that people who get ASBO's listen to. and Busted... they played busted too.
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 0:14, Reply)

Milk and biscuits
I myself have been ripped off numerous times, but one instance sticks in mind of me actually making a bit of money out of something not really worth it.

Back in primary school, around breaktime we would have milk and biscuits before being let out into the playground for a run around. For 20p a day we got a small bottle of milk and two biscuits of choice from the biscuit tin.

However, I found it quite easy to slip a few extra biscuits up my sleeve on my go and then sell them on in the playground for say about 10p each.

This meant that even if I only sold two biscuits that day I had enough money to start the whole thing over again.

Since then I've grown out of my swindling ways (well, apart from last year when I sold a guitar for way more than it was worth to a friend, though in my defence he was desperate for a guitar and I was desperate for the money - I sold him an amp a couple of days later for about £20, pretty well done for me considering it was an acoustic guitar I sold him in the first place).
( shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 23:53, Reply)

Flake
Picture this day from my childhood: it's a sweltering hot day and my brother and I are playing in the yard. Needless to say, it's a very welcome relief when an ice-cream truck drives up and promptly parks across the street from us. I'm six, my brother's four, it's fucking hot: we want ice cream. After some begging, my mum gets her wallet out, but the smallest note she can find is a $20. Oh well, surely the ice cream man can make change. She gives us the note and we run across the street to the van.

I don't like anything on the menu, but my brother wants an ice lolly. How much? "One dollar."

My brother hands the driver the twenty my mum had given him. "Thanks," says the man, and promptly drives away, ripping a four-year-old off for nineteen dollars.

Bastard.
(generic hybrid, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 23:52, Reply)

I once took a girl home and had sex with her.
While I was in the toilet, she emptied my wallet for me and then persuaded me to give her a lift to the train station. I didn't find out I'd been robbed until the next morning when I took out my wallet to buy some bread.

Still, it was a VERY good shag.
(the_legendary_shark isn't really legendary at all, just rather dull., Thu 15 Feb 2007, 23:51, Reply)