not one to complain but..
i haven't posted in quite a while as most peoples other posts humor me enuf, but i must agree that this QOTW is pretty lame and not worth reading for the most part. the gist is stupid people should not drive, yet they do and fuck it all up . horrah. i once saw a man step out of his car and beat the piss out of a squeegee man, while he was waiting at a red light. come the green, he hopped in his little car and drove away.

on a side note, i beat the piss out of some asshole with a bat last week who i caught attempting to slash my roomates tires.does that count?

don't make me beat you as well - it would hurt me more than it would hurt you, though i suspect you would like it nonetehless...
(goorf, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:16, Reply)

Road idiocy
I was working as a rep in a small resort on a Greek island. The various bar owners and restauranteurs told me that I would always eat and drink for free in their places - if I told the tourists to go there.

One night I enticed a trio of girls into a bar and drank free whisky until the early hours. At around 3.00 AM, I offered to drive them back to their hotel on the outskirts of town.

Next day when I saw them on the beach, they said I'd been very drunk. I denied this. Hadn't I managed to drive them home, and then myself to a hill village a few kilometers away?

"Yeah," they said, "but you did the whole journey in first gear. Without lights."

Just went to the restaurants after that.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:13, Reply)

Milkman Dan
You bellend.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:12, Reply)

Roundabouts
What in the name of all fucking lost sanity is this about? Picture the scene - its easy. At a roundabout, and its busy as fuck. You can't go forwards as your straight on exit is blocked. So what do you do, you complete and utter retard? Thats right! Drive over so you are blocking another lane thus preventing me from going round the exit and continuing on my merry journey!
And some people wonder why I'm tooting my horn and shouting obscenities that would make that big fat twat Chubby Brown blush?

Oh - and boy twunt racers. 'Cruising' in their 1 litre saxos and Pug 106's. With go louder exhausts. And blacked out windows. Body kits.
Pffft.
WHY OH FUCKING WHY do you even consider revving your engine and having some strange and fucked up vision that you will be able to outrun a 1.8 litre Ford Mondeo. (That I bought for £150 nicker, and goes like a fucking train)

And finally. People who cut over junctions. Your driving is so fucking abysmal that you need to cross over the lines of a junction and into my lane? Next time some wanker does this I'm not going to stop. I'm going to plough my fucking front end into you, you tosser, and rape you for compensation.

Bastards.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:04, Reply)

My 19th birthday
been out with mates... wandering back to a friend's house late at night, with 3 surviving mates and large donners with all kinds of sauce.
Spotted a seriously expensive open topped sports car parked and alone by the side of the road. We sprinkled our donners liberally over the leather seats and ran.
I'm not proud of this petty vandalism, but it still feels like us scumbags got one over the succesful bastards that night.
( Milkman Dan, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 9:41, Reply)

it's not road rage

it's tourettes. cock!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 9:38, Reply)

Vandalism
To the total twunt that keyed my car,

Yes I have a beautiful shiny silver Mercedes SLK complete with personalised plates. But this isn't because I am rich, although I worked my ar*e off to qualify as a lawyer and now work even harder to earn my salary.

Nope, I inherited the car because I lost the best mother in the world 30 years too early. So are you still so jealous that you feel the need to vandalise it?

Do you want to swap your f*cking mother for a sports car? No. Somehow I thought not.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 9:27, Reply)

When Did?
This B3ta mail thing go live? Private messaging amongst B3tans. Cool!

Better tell a tale to keep on topic though....

/OBTale

Again, not road rage more car stupidity. A mate of mine was on the piss and drank way more than he should have done and wasn't even going to attempt to drive home with the amount of booze he'd sunk. So he decided to sleep in his car.

Now (I don't know if this is true or not) he'd heard that you could still be done for drunken driving even of you were asleep in the back of your car if you still had your car keys in you. You were still classed as drunk in charge of a motor vehicle. However, if you didn't have the keys, then you couldn't start the car therefore you were safe.

So my mate unlocked his car and then.......

Threw the keys down a drain next to his car. Took him hours to fish them out the next day.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 9:02, Reply)

Aah, the autobahn
Many years ago I was returning from leave, having been offered a trip in a colleague's car. It was about 2.30am, heading north in Germany at about 90mph ( this was a bog standard Escort ). Some impatient Deutschlander decides that his gold Porsche was just too important to travel at a reasonable velocity, and he went blasting past us at roughly the speed of light- gone. A few miles down the road the outside lane was coned off, and what do we see? The flashing lights of an ambulance and the Polizei, the Porsche on its' roof in the ditch, two zipped up white body bags next to it, and another car on it's side just ahead in the ditch with the driver talking to the police officer.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 8:35, Reply)

Some fool...
...in Colliers Wood nearly knocked me down the other week when he jumped a red light. I stuck my middle finger into his car and bellowed "CUNT!" at him, though I doubt the prick noticed.

In retrospect it would've been a better story if I'd violated the chav slut sitting in the passenger seat but my last bout of clap's only just cleared up...
(misteroz, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 8:31, Reply)

Yesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had an Alfa 33 1.7. It's not a sports car or anything, but it was the fastest thing I'd owned up to that point. One day I had the good fortune of the lights changing from red to green as I approached them, and I trundled past the Nova/Punto/Metro one-litre toy car that was stopped at the lights.

Not so lucky at the next lights, I had to stop. The toy car pulled up alongside me and the girl driving it looked quite pumped up. As the lights turned to green I started off normally, she 'raced' away as fast as she could. Then she started punching the air in victory and flicking the V's.

I was laughing so much I nearly had to pull over.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 8:27, Reply)

I'm a walking (Driving) Cliche...
I have the dubious honuor of having been involved in at least 3 of the great Road Rage Cliches a few people have already mentioned:

I was once hounded for 3 miles by a Landrover driver, upset that my Astra wasn't capable of safely going above 25mph in a freak blizzard on a main road. He proceeded to take the next availble opportunity to demonstrate his vehicles superiority in these adverse conditions by forcing his way past me, screaming obscenities, and shaking his fist. Less than a mile away, I pootle past him, laughing, as he is stood on the roadside, next to his 4x4 buried to the windscreen in a ditch.

Whilst riding my bike away from a set of traffic lights recently, Mr Dickhead in his company car, talking on his mobile phone, runs through the opposing Red light, making me lock up, and drop my bike. He stops breifly, smiles patronisingly, and drives off. I picked up my bike, which was still running, and baring nothing but a few extra scratches, and dash after him. A mile or so down the road, I pull up next to him, tap on his window. He studiously ignores me, so I take my chain off of my shoulder, and put it uncerimoniously through his window. Then I lifted the front of my helmet, smiled patronisingly, and rode off.

A few years ago, A friend and I were cut up badly on a roundabout. My friend, the driver, decided a bit of horn-and-headlight justice was in order. The guy in front stops, gets out of his car, and starts to walk towards us, screaming obscenities. My friend and I both step out. The guy stops, his faced changed in a millisecond from anger, to outright fear, turned and ran back to his car, locked the doors and stared straight ahead. I'm a Doorman/bouncer/person who looks like they get off on the sound of grinding bone, 6'5", 20 Stone, have a fetching array of tattoos and facial piercing, sport a beard and mohican, and have a prediliction for large boots and a leather jacket; my friend is a prop forward for our local rugby team, weighing in at 22 stone, and 5'10".

No apologies for length, I DON'T APOLOGISE FOR SH*T, MOTHERF*CKER!
( sumdarkplace is what really killed the radio star, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 5:27, Reply)

Difficult child reminded me... Karma
Girl friend on mine driving home "carefully" after the pub, pissed, got t-boned by an off duty cop. Squad car arrives, throws the off duty into the back and breathalyses me mate. She's duly summoned to appear in court, charged with drunk driving and told if she pleads guilty will lose the licence for 3 months but otherwise could be fucked. Pleads guilty, loses licence, thanks.
Enter stage left - one off duty cop.
Takes her to court for wrecking his life as a result of driving drunk, remember she pleaded guilty...
Loses squillions and has to change her life to pay him off.
Shortly afterward his new replacement car burst into flames in the driveway of his house. Much running around but eventually insurance company gives him a new car.
Shortly afterward this new car burst etc. etc... (involves more flames).
Once more replaced.
Once more spontaneous combustion.
Even when my mate left the scene and moved to a different part of the country flames were occasionally seen in the distance licking the night skys. The cop eventually transferred out west but guess what!!!
For years after any means of transport he acquired went up in flames. (No animals were hurt or injured during this story).

God. You can't beat a good grudge every now and then, and a wide circle of pyromaniac friends...
(out of his league, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 4:47, Reply)

Ooh! I remembered my favourite story!
Way back in the 1980s in Brisbane (in Queensland, Australia)a guy I worked with was riding his motorbike to work when a car cut him off, forcing him to crash rather spectacularly. The car driver saw what had happened, but instead of stopping decided to wave two fingers out the window, yell "sucked in!!" and drive off laughing.
A minor bit of bike damage, a minor bit of rider damage and a lot of angst was caused.
HOWEVER....
The rider did manage to get the guy's number plate and had a friend on the police force.
This being Queensland, where the cops are notoriously, ahem, open to suggestion, he had no problems at all getting the driver's name and address.
So later that night his phone rings and he hears a voice: "Hello, is this (insert wanker's name)? Hi, I'm the guy who was riding the black Ducati you ran off the road today. I'm just letting you know that it might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but one day I'm coming for you when you least expect it."
This went on for YEARS.
The guy changed his number, tried apologising, pleading, threats, moving house, going to a private number, but he was always tracked down and taunted.
Every few weeks or months the Duke rider would be out on the drink, spot a payphone and make a call. Regardless of the time.
The last time I saw him (in the late 90s) I asked if he still called.
His eyes lit up as he realised he hadn't called the bloke in a few years and still had his number.
He got as far as: "Hello, is this..."
I could here the anguished scream from the other side of the table.
(Apologies for length, but it's just not a short story)
( difficultchild, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 3:37, Reply)

love on the road
another hitch hiking story reminded me of this

trying to hitch to London from Exeter used to be easy

I got as far as Reading and waswaiting by a motorway junction with my brightly coloured sign, wearing a white vest and a pair of flares

I got picked up by two beautiful women, neither older than 20, in a convertable sports car of some kind

my only complaint was that they drove me to their house in Reading, which isn't in London.

Even though they made me a few days late, I forgave them in the end for shagging and feeding me drugs me the whole weekend.
(globalloon, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 0:07, Reply)

Years ago...
I was on a family holiday to Hamburg Germany, aged about 12 or 13. On the continent, as well as driving on the right, drivers also rarely stop at crossings unless bidden to by the law...
So there we are, Mum, Dad, little brother and me crossing a dual carriageway and taking EXTRA care. Green man, traffic lights red...walk across to the central reservation. Green Man, traffic lights red...set foot onto the road. I swear, the instant we set foot on to the road the green man switched to red and the lights (with no break) went green. At the other side of the juncion, 20 yards away, some maniac steams off...From the middle of the road, me and my brother leg it for the other side, while my parents stay in the middle and wait for the car to pass. As she does, this woman leans out of her window and screams something at me and my brother. Obviously therefore she doesn't see the taxi reversing out of a parking space in front of her until too late. She hits it, swerves onto the central reservation and mows down a small sapling. A split second later, she's out of the car and she f*cking starts SPRINTING towards me and my little bro shouting stuff in German and shaking her fist.
I'm not kidding, to use a bit of a geeky comparison, it was like a 'fear' spell...me and my bro crapped it and started running! We went through this park and managed to lose her after a bit, but then we didn't have a clue where we were. Luckily my superb sense of direction meant we only spent 20 minutes walking around the block til we peeped round a corner and saw my non-comprehending parents being talked at disapprovingly by a crowd of Germans. They saw us, got away just before the police got there, and we all went for an ice cream while my Dad assured us that we 'probably' wouldn't be caught and arrested. It's all good!
(gunken 100% better than tungsten, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 23:42, Reply)

Not sure if it quit qualifies as road rage
But for 2 weeks now I've been woken up by a pneumatic drill digging up the road outside my flat at 7 in the morning. Picking up a pick axe handle and putting it to a use that it wasn't quite intended for is now starting to become a regular occurance in my dreams.

I think I may need help. Or maybe somewhere else to live until they finish replacing the gas main.
(Blue_in_Exile, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 23:01, Reply)

Bloody JCBs
Driving up the bypass today, got stuck behind a JCB driving at 10 miles per hour. Wouldn't have got too angry as I know that they can't go too fast, but there was a young person sitting on the toolbox just next to the driver. Couldn't have been more than 5 or 6. Out of school on a school day. Makes me so angry the irresponsibility of some parents, letting their kids miss out on vital education.
(Blue_in_Exile, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 22:54, Reply)

Parking is such sweet sorrow
A few weeks ago I was heading up to visit family, being driven by Dad because (a) the car's comfy and (b) it gives him something to do since he retired - turning off the motorway we decide to stop for lunch and see a pub up ahead (no drink-driving story here folks, Pop's drug of choice being regular insulin injections he hasn't touched the hard stuff since about 1967). However, there's a problem. In front of us are parked two cars blocking the lane ahead, the drivers leaning out of their windows and apparently having a nice chat. No sign of an accident or breakdown with either.

Dad toots the horn - carefully - to ask them to move (or at least to give them the opportunity to let us know if there's a problem that's preventing them getting out of the way of the traffic).

The driver of the right-hand car turns round, shouts something obscene at Dad and 'suggests' using illustrative hand gestures that he drive round them across the other carriageway to carry on.

It's a busy road and the maneouvre we'd have to make isn't practical or safe. Toot the horn again. This time the car ahead moves forward far enough for the driver to pull over to the left, still parking part way across the road. He gets out and walks towards our car as we start to move forward.

What pretty words he uses to imply again we should have driven round and left him and his mate to their conversation. As he's talking we continue to drive, since he's left us enough room to do what we needed to do - which is turn left onto the pub's empty car park which he and his equally dimwitted mate didn't have enough braincells to figure out would be a better option to stop than blocking the carriageway and expecting cars in both directions to wait or delay traffic on the other side of the road by driving all the flippin' way round!
(cisco, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 22:36, Reply)

Blue lights.
"Greetings to anyone who has those small blue LED lights on the front of your chavrolet
because you want everyone to think you are a police car and so will slow down/get out of your way."

In the UK, it's illegal to have blue lights on your car if you're not emergency services. In fact, the only colour light the general public are allowed to use (other than headlights, rear lights, brake lights, etc) is amber.

So next time you see a chavmobile like that, you might want to take down the registration number and get the guys with the proper blue lights to pay them a visit. :)
(Musuko, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 22:27, Reply)

School Mums....
I am unfortunate to have to drive past a school on my way to work every morning, when all the kids go to school. So..to all of you mothers in your 4x4s that the husband bought you to compensate for him shagging his receptionist, please do not stop RIGHT outside the school blocking the road, do not pull out without signalling so I have to swerve to avoid you and nearly kill your kid in the process. Make the kids walk, or use the bus...maybe then they wouldn't all be so fucking fat.
(You Love It, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 22:25, Reply)

Caused a bit of fuss to say the least.
There was this one time when I was about 5 I seem to remember and I was bunking off of school my dad bless him took me out to where he was working, which was this big demolition site and I got to watch him knock all kinds of things down and dig lots of things up in his JCB digger. After a long and hard days work my old man still had enough muster to keep me entertained.
So there we are, me and my dad ( Who, funny enough is called Bruce Lee) were riding around in his JCB, with this huge line of traffic behind us, beeping their horns, they were livid in fact.
But my dad being as cool as he is pulled over and stopped to let them all drive past.

BIN DUN???
(Bad Badger, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 22:14, Reply)

Greetings to anyone who has those small blue LED lights on the front of your chavrolet
because you want everyone to think you are a police car and so will slow down/get out of your way.

It's me who leaves my lights on main beam and puts my front fogs on when ever you drive towards me.

Also hello all Mercedes drivers, the outside lane is for overtaking, not making phone calls at 68mph, so please dont' bother to flash your lights when I fly through on your inside, I rarely look in my rear view mirror so your effort is wasted.

Evenin'
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 21:31, Reply)

Road rageous
Here in the states pedestrians seem to rule the road (well in New Hampshire anyway, though you have to watch out for the occasional crazy Mass-hole from Boston). So if you even look like you want to cross the road cars will stop for you (for the most part) so much so that loads of people here DON’T EVEN LOOK as they cross the road or walk through car parks!!!! This causes me much vein throbbing white hot rage (amongst the many other transgressions of drivers here, thankfully I usually take the bus).

Anyway, this system works pretty well if you are a pedestrian, though it meant that I nearly got run over numerous times while on a recent trip to the UK and Spain (partially due to confusion after swapping from left to right to and back again) and also cause I was used to thinking that cars would actually stop for me to cross roads.

It also led me causing an accident and ensuing road rage. One day my boyfriend and I were dithering about crossing the road and a car that was turning into the street we were crossing stopped abruptly halfway through his turn to let us cross. The car behind him obviously wasn't expecting this and rear ended him, letting loose much angry bellowing. We scurried away from the scene leaving them to duke it out. Woops!
(toffee pop, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 19:51, Reply)

My road rage story, by pineappleunderthesea.
A couple of years ago when I was on my Ps I was driving along the horror that is the highway which passes by several private schools in Perth during the after school rush. Mum in 4wd (need I say more about their driving?) screeches to a halt 10 odd metres early at the lights, and me while thinking wtf, why is she stopping so early, likewise slams on brakes. No impact, nothing, and I don't think our cars even touched. But two weeks later a police report arrives in the mail claiming that I damaged her vehicle, drove off ignoring her signal to pull over and a claim for $1000 to fix her bumper.

Not quite road rage, but there was quite a bit of rage involved when the report arrived before I calmed down and devised my grand master plan to screw her over.

My reply: "I didn't hit her, she was driving erratically and I didn't know that she wanted me to stop, I thought she was making threatening gestures so I didn't feel comfortable pulling over :( " (in a sincere teary vulnerable girl voice) plus showing the car, with nary a scratch to Mr Nice Policeman equalled a nice fine for her for filing a frivolous report.

No length apart from that of the story told here, but I've never had a rupturing like I just had in my whole life :( The first time shore do hurt.
(pineappleunderthesea mortal enemy of the apple since, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 18:55, Reply)

Today
Had a weird one (I think) in worcester today. I'm driving out of Worcs, over a box junction. There's enough room for me to tuck in behind the car in front but there will be no room for anyone behind me. So this lass comes through and realises she will be stuck, pulls over a bit to my left so we are sort of parrallel - fine. She then follows me out of town (slowish traffic) and appears to be ranting / Shrieking. All the way out (about 5 mins). There's no one in the car with her and whilst no expert in lip reading there were a lot of "fuckings" in there. Im guessing she was on a hands free set or was a mentalist - my money's on the latter.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 18:53, Reply)

Not really road rage but
Years ago I was hitchhiking.
I was at the Granada Services near Exeter holding out my sign when a black Ferrari Testarossa pulled up.
The driver waved me forward so I picked up my bag and stepped forward eagerly... at which point he flicked me the V and drove off.

If he's reading this, I am the bloke who went past you in the back of an elderly Maxi about 15 minutes later, laughing at the cloud of smoke coming from your engine on the hard shoulder and flicking Vs back at you.

You prick.
( finnbar has officially retired, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 18:43, Reply)

Bus Rage
There is a bit of Watford high street that is restricted for cars but open to buses all the time. However, you still get the chavs cruising down there windows open (even in winter - never worked that one out) playing their drum and bass and trying to look cool. Bloody hell guys, it's Watford, not LA!

I was walking to the shops one day and some loon doing this decided to cut up a bus. Rather than slow down the bus sped up and rammed the car into a lamp post! The driver must have had enough of people cutting him up and just flipped as he then jumped out the bus (which had passengers in) and started to have a row with the car owner. Amazing...

I think he got sent down but I've got to say I can kind of understand why he did it...
(FiatPanda, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 18:28, Reply)

katanax
Similar story

Guy cuts up biker, biker toots horn, guy leaps out incandesant with rage, punches biker in face, biker bursts out laughing as guy falls to floor with broken hand.

Biker still had full-face helmet on.

(Read the story in "Bike" or "RiDE" a while back)
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 18:19, Reply)

A nice letter that was in Viz a while back
something like

"To the driver of the who cut me up last Thursday whilst his kid made 'wanker' symbols from the passenger seat...if you're looking for your wing mirrors, you'll find them in the canal behind your house. Hope this helps"
( 0nyx, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 17:47, Reply)