Pub-grub rub creates bitter aftertaste
I was once sacked from the kitchens of a Wetherspoons (for kitchens, read "place where things that were once food and are now 40% saturated fat are microwaved to order") for refusing to work new year's eve. I went out on the afternoon of new year's eve with some of m'colleagues and got them and me terribly terribly terribly drunk. I of course was not working; they were incapable. I was not popular - and the axe fell.

A month or two later I was foolish enough to ask my ex-manager for a reference for a new job, and he perhaps unsurprisingly refused. And as a result I didn't get the new job.

A week or two later I saw ex-manager walking down the pavement coming towards me. I'd clocked him, he hadn't clocked me. When he was about a foot away I stuck my face in his and screamed a slang word for ladies' genitalia as loud as I could. Which is very loud, indeed. I am a big lad, and have strapping, er, lungs.

If you've never seen anyone jump out of their skin before it goes something like this: person's essence (or soul, if you will) leaves the body at high speed, leaping back about two feet and up around a foot. The remaining body, deprived of its very core, its being, turns white as if a sudden physical shutdown were beginning to take place. Then the corporeal moves backwards very quickly to rejoin the ethereal as if pulled savagely by invisible strings. The bladder then loosens, and a comedy dark patch appears at the crotch.

"That'll learn 'im", I thought. But I'm willing to bet money that it didn't. Life experiences never seem to penetrate into what passes for the minds of short-arsed, dim-witted service industry middle managers. But then, I'm biased.
( petuniadb, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 17:00, Reply)

Drivin'
When I was a student in the armpit of the world known as lancashire (rain and hills in any combination are an absolute swine), I got so desperate for beer n drugs money that I decided I'd better supplement my student grant with a - ahem - job. I got a job as a driver for a small family run DIY store. Which was great. Good rates of pay and didnt have to start work til midday, which suited my body clock fine which was, for the duration of my course, tuned into the same timezone they use in the Galapagos. Unfortunately, my plan for lots of spare income was scuppered on the third day when my boss inquired why I had spent all my time rearranging tins of paint in the store room instead of delivering bathrooms to the smelly unwashed of Bolton. I left very shortly afterwards never to return. You see the thing about a driving job, the really important, essential aspect of a career in the world of driving, is that you NEED A DRIVING LICENSE and have to have at least LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE. Neither of these things I had bothered to do (still don't drive now ten plus years later, which is great by the way and I recommend all of you drivers to forget how to drive immediately so your mates can chaufer you everywhere while you get bombed out of ya head's). Later that evening when I was in the bar I had to explain to my clan of half witted mates why I had been sacked. We thought it was a bit unfair so went and nicked all the plastic garden gnomes from round the back of the DIY place. For the next three years we lived in a very poor replica of Narnia, complete with resplendant gonomage - each with an empty beer can as a special pedastal.
(TexMex2000, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 16:07, Reply)

cheese cutter or sausage packer
A friend of mine once lasted nearly a whole hour in a food factory. He was sacked during the induction for laughing at the manager when asked whether he wanted to cut the cheese or pack sausages (he is a massive carry on fan and loves double entendres)
(barronshark, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 15:28, Reply)

sacked.
Got sacked from a pub after being accused of stealing ten pounds from the till. The twunt of a manager was an ex-copper and carried his former authority around with him. I was previously the assistant manager and had full access to the safe, where lay a few thousand pounds... Why oh why would I risk my job for a f*ckin tenner? The w*nker gave me no options to defend myself... I mean, if i was gonna steal something - I'd have stolen the thousands of pounds... Anyway, got my revenge by posting lots of ads in the loot and rang several services to come out to the pub. New pool tables, jukeboxes, cig machines, adverts for bar staff etc... I assume he was bombarded with phone calls.

Sorry for rantage.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Damn you, Truancy Officers!!!
I once had a job driving a big, yellow JCB...

...but I got fired for letting my 5 year old son Luke bunk off school to drive round with me all day. Apparently this contravened a number of Health and Safety regulations...

Mr B Lee.
( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 14:00, Reply)

Another one.....why thank you!!
Another crowning moment in my life, (the kind of moment that when im old and cantancerous sat in a pub somewhere will cause me to chuckle to myself like a loon!) was when i was working for Northern Rock Loans. (God I have had some truly god-awful jobs...working as a civil servant at the mo...best job ever!! paid shed loads of money, and im treated like an adult....its a relevation!!)

This particular time i had only been working there for a week and was still in training when i had the gall to get up out of my seat excuse myself and proceeded to head towards the toilet.

Just as i was opening the door to our little training room/nursery/whatever the trainer (a wierd little twitchy women in glasses who was a few sit-ups short of a sixpack if you get my meaning) yelled at me "where do you think your going?" I explained politely that i was going to the toilet I was told "you can only go if you stick your hand in the air and ask...then if we are not busy you can go".

Cue red mist descending and me proceeding to tell her how there was a special place in hell for people just like her among over more colorful uses of the english language, before promptly walking out. As i left i looked back to see about 7-8 of a 20 strong training group (mostly wankers as is the way) following me out the door....brilliant.

Would have loved to see her explaining how she had halved the new starters in one afternoon...never mind with a bit of luck she's dead now anyway.

No Regrets.....ever!!
(Charlie big bananas, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 13:37, Reply)

Shite job anyway
I was working in a pub and got sacked for making the bar manager let loose a little runny turd. No really. From "the fear".
There was a hole where the beer lines went down into the cellar and when he went down there we used to whisper his name down the gap (there were some mean acoustics in the cellar) making him believe that the ex-landlord who had hung himself and was all dead was calling him beyond the grave to get him to bring up some more J2O. He weren't too bright.
Then again, getting yourself sacked for a moment's hilarity is probably acting dumber than a box of hair too. Meh. The cock-badger.
Oh - here goes the obligatory "long time lurker first time poster" thingy. Cheers.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 13:25, Reply)

From a childrens sodding theme park.
Long time listener, second time caller.
I got sacked from a childrens theme park, i'l give you a clue, thousands of little bricks, near where the queen lives.
Then they had to LEtGO of me

Anyway, i'l keep it short, I got sacked.......for eating a hotdog.

Thats it, one sodding hotdog, everyone else ate all the food, and I would have had to throw it away, but no, apparently thats gross misconduct. So I threatened to take to action against them, got two months pay out of them, and i only worked there for four weeks, two of which I was on holliday.

Oh and i forgot to add, i had my hand in the till to the tune of about £5000 in two weeks of work.
Allways a bit longer than I expect.
(rmaccelerator2000, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 13:12, Reply)

Frucking corporations
I have never been sacked but I'm probably getting close. I work part-time for a massive energy company (give you a clue, they've had another HUGE price increase). We can access one outside site that has anything of interest on it (it ain't B3ta) but they've been monitoring usuage for the last few months thanks to some racist tw*ts in an admin department. The one enjoyable thing to do in work has now been taken away. If I go on there I risk being sacked, but they may have enough to do that anyway. Saying that, if I do get sacked it's cos I spend manager-free Saturday mornings wandering in an hour late, logging out for 20 minutes at a time to get bacon butties for false system errors, putting my feet up, making free calls and charging my mobile up.

Thank god I have a proper job to go to!
(Bunnygirl, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 12:55, Reply)

Way Back In 2001
I was working for a well known motor factor in the south east, let's call them crapco.

after working my way up from dogsbody to assistant manager so i did all the work and sold twice as much as all the other staff put together as i would get the right parts.

They had just employed a new manager in august as the previous one had been headhunted by another firm. the old manager was fine had a good laugh helped to build the office beer fund up and all that. But the new guy let's call him the arrogant little cnut because thats his name, insisted that everone was there all day 8.30 to 5.30 with a break which you would never get. where as before the 3 sales staff would be stagered 1 in at 8.30 , 9 , 9.30 go home at 4.30, 5, 5.30 . that was the first thing that pissed me off, second he had a habid of trying to hide what he was doing on the sales system all the time. but i could find out anywas because the last manager was technical support for the company and i learned how to log on as an administrator before he went. plus he told me the managers login+pass.

Anyway back to what happened it got to the week before chrismas and i noticed that the manager had booked the entire week between xmas and new year and the following week off for himself as the shop was only shut for 2 days and only 3 sales staff i meant that no one else could have any time off. So i said to him i couldnt do the saturday as i had to go and see my nan. he said tough i'v booked it. Cue me phoning personnel to check i'm still on a weekly contract, i am so next day in comes resignation letter. and completely fucked his christmas good.

ps i had to work the week before xmas but he took it off i made about £1500 that week just so happened that all the stock what had been up but not on computer got returned for cash.
(kdservices, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 12:52, Reply)

Proper Nerdy Answer this one...
I worked at Maplins when i was 15/16... first proper saturday job, got £18 for the day - i was RRIICHH! (bear in mind this was 1990/91 - i could buy ten regal AND 2 bottles of Thunderbirds for the night time drinking binges!)

Anyways, we got this new device in the catlogue one day, a "US Mains tranformer" came in, so dosey people who bought tellies, VCRs, etc in the states and then brought them here could run them on out mains ( History lesson : US=110volts, UK=240volts - why? cock knows), so a chap comes in one day to buy one as he's bought a toaster in Florida and is now desperate to use it. i get him one, he asks how it works, i haven't a clue and proced to tell him to 'stick a plug on that wire'

As it turns out, you actually needed ANOTHER transformer connected to it to run it. He had put a plug on it, plugged it in, plugged his toaster in and WWWOOOOSSSSHHHHHH!

There was only smoke damamge to the majority of the house and he did get a new kitchen out of it so i don't know what his problem was!!

Personal, it wasn't entirely my fault, it's was 1) shit training 2) he was too fucking stupid to listen to me. But, i was 17, part time saturday lad with no proper contract so i got binned. Proper gutted. cnuts.
(TheManofScience, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 11:48, Reply)

I've just been sacked..
for reading this QOTW

Cnuts
(smirker neverletmetellyabouttheraggamuffinbiznessandting!, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Saked for my bosses jealousy
I wasn't actually sacked, I was "let go".

My boss had been after an absolute stunner of a secretary for months, loads of innuendo, and chat up lines, but she wasn't having any of it.

I thought that me and the secretary were drinking mates, nothing more nothing less, until that is she got very drunk on an office night out. She sat across from me, leaned forward and whispered in my ear that she had no knickers on, sat back and un-crossed her legs. MY GOD she was stunning, totally shaven with an all over tan. She then proceeded to ask me back to the office.

What was I to do, take advantage of a drunk woman? Too fucking right!

We went back to the office and I proceeded to fuck her brains out on the reception desk, this wasn't what she had in mind, she removed all her clothes and walked into the bosses office, laid herself across his desk and asked me to fuck her. I did just that after about 10 minutes she had came and i was almost cumming and as I pulled out to cum over her, in walked the boss too see the object of his affection screaming in pleasure as my cum landed on her tits and his desk.

He went purple and I was told to clear my desk by the end of next week.

Still it was worth it, Me and the secretary are still together, she still works there and I've now fucked her on almost every desk there.

no appologies for length etc etc.
(hudster, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 10:26, Reply)

How I haven't been sacked, ill never know
Generally, in Retail (In a Fashion Sports Chain), the overall enviroment of work is very relaxed. The only people who I've known been sacked have been for stealing stock and from the till.

Personally, I've sworn at customers, hung-up on area managers, dealing with customers I've told them "We ain't doing this refund or exange, you may as well fuck off", telling little kids they can get those crappy livestrong bands in United Colours of Benetton and they have loads of other colours too as well as various other things

I did walk out of the previous store with a nice, loud "I will not work in this shit-hole again" before a massive wheelspin out of the car park. All this came after running the entire footwear department alone for around a year (without complaints) and complaining another member of staff was a bully. His hours suddenly rose to 40 hours a week, mine were cut to 8. We both had 24 previously)

Had a phone call next day from the Area Manager asking if I wanted to work in another store for the previous manager (Who was safe as fuck might I add)?
The manager of that day was sacked recently for running another store into the groud

Took that straight away. Still there to this day in a part-time role . By the way, Richard Govier, your a pervert. Owen Tebb, brush your fucking teeth
(bakircioglu, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 10:25, Reply)

sacked for the love of a video...
Many many moons ago (during my sixth form days) i used to work behind a bar in one of the local nightclubs. While all of my mates would be out on the lash I got paid to laugh at the various states they found themselves in and as long as my till balanced and I did my job noone cared.

One of my mates, a lad called Chris, came out one night and pulled a lass called Caz (think it was new years eve). They started seeing each other, he was completely under the thumb within weeks.

About two weeks before his birthday in June she finishes it saying that "it wouldn't work". He was absolutely gutted (being head over heels for this girl) and drank himself into an absolute state for the next week or so... until we found out that she'd been cheating on him and sleeping with some other waif behind his back.

*Cue the revenge plan*

In an effort to cheer chris up, one of my mates took a photo of them that he had, scanned it & photoshopped galore, putting her head onto the body of a male pornstar and his head onto the body of a female pornstar in a still image (I'll leave the pose to your imagination). And me, being the gullable twat that I am, then agreed to take this still photoshop image and put it onto videotape using my TV-out on my PC.

Chris comes in on his birthday, walks up the stage to the DJ stand, as the DJ presses play so every screen throughout the nightclub was replaced with this image. Over 1300 people saw this over two floors. And started pissing themselves laughing. Chris was in tears laughing, doubled over the stand. The DJ was having a good laugh at it too.

Fair enough you might say. Cut to three weeks later and out of the blue (the monday after work) they tell us the three of us involved are sacked. Why? The aunt of this girl was downstairs when we pulled our little stunt and she came back later with a solicitor and threatened legal action (heh).

Still, we got full holiday pay out of it and the manager gave me a glowing reference because he thought it was funny as fuck. In his own words, "I've seen people get away with worse, you were just unlucky."

No great loss, within a week I'd managed to get another job for one of the competitors on better pay.

Apologies for length (especially if you saw the vid).
(phil_mcracken, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 10:01, Reply)

Friends and Family
While a student I worked night shifts at BT manually adding friends and family entries (during bob hoskins adverts time period). We were expected to get through a certain amount each night on some hideous green screen interface. Anyhow it quickly became obvious that there was no quality control (or floor management) on our work at all so you could bang through the required work amount in about four hours if you took a fair amount of artistic license on the numbers people wanted and then get in some sleep.
Got laid off after a few months of doing this but if you were wondering why all your friends and family numbers were always wrong it was because of me.
(Poor Lumpy Pony, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 9:57, Reply)

my friend (honest)...
...used to work as an 'adult film performer'.

His 'professional name' was 'Big Dick Cheney'.

He wasn't exactly fired, but they stopped giving him work.

Apparently no one wants to see an old man shooting into another old man's face.


Yes, I am lame enough to use Dick Cheney shooting someone as material for humour. Next week I will point out that Michael Moore is considerably heavier than the average person - probably adding that his girth is received gratefully.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 6:06, Reply)

Once upon a time
I worked for a Railway company which worked in the North East, and thought itself Great.

After being promised a contract as temp staff after 6 months, they employed a bunch of new people as the contract staff instead and asked us, as the temp staff to train them up.

I said, loudly during the "staff meeting" in the local pub, "Go to fuck am I training people on a higher wage than me", and promptly the next day phoned in to the allegedly Great Railway in the North East to say I quit before heading to the agency to tell them as well.

Bastards phoned the agency first and sacked me before I could resign.. why? I still don't know, but from that day on, I always piss on the walls of a GNER train. If you see a soggy wall.. it was me.

Cor blimey... sigs.. now I feel all boardy and feel free to plagiarise famous quotes for humour value.
(NoMoreFaith can believe its not bloody butter, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 2:30, Reply)

Once upon a time
Me and Pep and Cal created a site called B3ta whilst working for a publishing company.

We weren't exactly sacked, but the management didn't 'get it', our department was disbanded are we were asked to 'look for alternative roles within the company or take redundancy'.

BTW: This was early 2002 and it quickly turned out that not having to answer to anyone as to why B3ta is so damn weird was an absolute blessing. For B3ta certainly, if not my bank balance.
( rob, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 1:38, Reply)

Sacked?
I've never worked.
(DarthDonsbal, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 23:47, Reply)

Tha boss...
works me day in, day out for pittance at a website and computer retailing company. Not only am I expected to code, provide customer service, and deal with smartasses and skinflints, but he expects me to work early in the morning until late at night with nary a break, leaving very little time to do anything on my university correspondence course, socialise, or play music. I've been turning up for work late and browsing the internet on company time (like right now), and even though he knows he doesn't have the balls to fire me. Ha ha!

...then again it's hard to fire yourself. *sigh*
(satellite blows, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 22:11, Reply)

Tin-Tin Finally Gets The Sack
My favourite sacking story comes courtesy of my Great Uncle. After he left the navy, post-war, he became a fireman until his retirement. Whilst there, his service was rewarded one year during the fifties by being given the job of organising the local bonfire night fireworks display. Whereas now this is still run by the fire service but paid for by the council, back then the fire service paid for it themselves, with the help of the odd public donation. So it was a much more modest display, but still a couple of hundred quids worth and still attracting a few thousand locals to the site to watch the proceedngs.

So my Great Uncle was filled with pride as he strutted out in front of the cheering crowd. The bonfire was already lit and burning nicely, he'd already lit his taper and opened the metal box to get out the first firework (yes, get out, this was the fifties, no fancy pyrotechnics, intricate patterns and big electric buttons that made them go bang). Being a firemen he knew not to take risks and held the taper above his head, well away from the fireworks as he reached into the box. He would later say that he didn't feel anything and the first sign of trouble was as he saw the taper fall past his nose in slow motion. He looked at the box crammed with fireworks, saw the smouldering taper land in the middle, reached in to retrieve it, realised what he was doing and stopped briefly before sensibly screaming like a maniac and running like fuck.

What was going to be a jolly fifties hour long firework display was instantly turned into a violent two minutes of explosions, terror, ducking, swearing and general pant soiling. The result was pretty good considering, no one was hurt, except the Great Uncle's pride, and the crowd generally thought it was pretty funny rather than hugely disappointing, once the panic had subsided that is. My Uncle was immediately re-christened Tin-Tin because of the metal box the fireworks were in and, god knows why, wasn't sacked from his job as fireworks organiser.

So why was he sacked? I hear you ask. Well, that occured precisely a year later when, absolutely no word of a lie, he did exactly the same thing again. According to his wife it was like watching a replay on the football. He opened the box, he dropped the taper, he detonated everyone's hard work in mere minutes amidst the panic and screaming. I can still never understand how he kept his job as a fireman, never mind just sacking him from the fireworks part. Still, my favourite bit is whenever we go round his house he still manages to gamely laugh when he pulls out a match to light his pipe and everyone throws themselves to the floor or hides under tables with cries of 'Incoming!'.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 27 Feb 2006, 21:52, Reply)

Waitrose Story #3000
Well I wasn't sacked in the typical way. After a heated arguement with one of these 40 year old divorcee's who has such a fucked up life that she has to spend everyday thinking shes the boss and trying to tell me what to do, I decide to throw a peice of prime beef topside at her.

The reaction as a giant peice of bloody meat hits the face and get her prison white apron dirty was pricesless.

Ater that I walked off, wrote down my notice on a scrap peice of paper and went home.

Funnily enough the next day, all the mangers could do were say sorry and beg me to come back (bassically because if I left, it would be months before they could train a suitable replacement)
( Spam Filter Formerly known as Superdude, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 21:16, Reply)

sacked again
i also worked for anglian, (i used to ring you all and try to sell you windows and doors, at a low low price, no obligation to buy of course) after 3 weeks there i was promoted to asst. manager. our new manager, an asian bloke, hired a load of stoned pakistani teenagers, who used words like- "innit bruv" and "mashin it up" in there sales pitches. they were wankers who didnt respect me. i was soon the only white bloke and was having the piss ripped out of me regular as clockwork. all this changed when the phone rang, me, feet on desk, coffee in hand, (area manager behind me) i awnswered, "good afternoon asian windows".... p45 in the post!! glad to get out of that hole anyway.
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 20:52, Reply)

Sacked by ex- best mates.
I was sacked earlier this year by the bastards who used to be my best mates.
I had a nice job with a pension, when one day one of the blokes who I had lived with for five years and looked after his house when he fucked off abroad, rang me up and said "meet me in the pub, I have got a great job for you".
He proceded to get me pissed and bullshitted me about how much I would earn and what a mate I was etc.
After 18 months of back breaking work, being in charge of the factory floor, sorting all their fuck ups out, they decided to put one of the directors in charge. Bear in mind this was the twat who fucked everything up in the first place and was told not to interfere in anything, given a final warning about his work. Left every night at 5pm whatever needed doing, was the messiest bastard who ever lived, couldn`t delegate to save his life, was a total arrogant little shit. Get the idea.
So I twated the little cunt.
THEY SACKED ME!!!!!.
Oh yes one of the directors used to sit in the house in his underpants wanking to german porn movies, until I walked in on him one day and asked what the fuck he was doing, he said all his family did it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Deliverence comes to mind.
(growthy, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 20:45, Reply)

sacked like a bitch
when i was 17, i was picked up from work one friday by both parents after a week of working away, driven to a pub, fed a sirloin steak, and told i was sacked. my pussy boss(es) didnt have the balls to tell me i was sacked. so they told my parents first. my parents then told me. i was fuming and vowed never to work for such a bunch of pussies ever again. i never did get the chance to send that really witty "CUNTS!!!" Fax to them.....
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 20:45, Reply)

sabotage leading to being sacked
for all the reasons most people here have already detailed, at 19 years of age, I realised that the hand filling and the weighing underfilled 5 litre containers of flash liquid was neither a workable career move or a dignified way to make drugcash in between festivals.

cue me and one other sabotaging, un-supervised, about 120 pallets of 5 litre flash liquidsis which should have weighed X but actually weighed Y, V, S and mostly B.

it took the agency about three weeks for them to realise that the complaints being filtered back to them could be laid firmly and squarely at our feet.

we were escorted off site and, surprisingly, paid our last weeks wage. I've often wondered how much the recall and subsequent compo ran to.


edit: SABOTAGE ! ought to be the next QOTW, again. some more :-)
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 20:16, Reply)

I was sacked today!
After being told that it was always the intention to renew my contract, and after another year was verbally offered to me - to which I provisionally agreed, I was told at the end of work today that I'd gone as far as I could in this marketplace.

I think my boss reads b3ta and likes to see if he shows up.

Next week can you do 'Stories about Posh Speccy Twats with no creativity or sense of humour who were bullied at school every day and take it out on the rest of the world'?
(Newton Crosby, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 18:45, Reply)