Weird and a cunt
My neighbour has 2 houses on my street, one behind us which he lives in, and another not far away. Anyway, this other house was where his mum and dad lived. They died years and years ago, but he and his wife still keep the house exactly as it was. They hoover and clean up most days, keeping it as some sort of twisted 'shrine' to his dead parents, even turning the lights on at night to deter would-be burglars. When there was a hosepipe ban, he used his lawn sprinklers at night. Weirdo

And he's a cunt, he built a fence next to ours a foot higher, our garden gets hardly any light now.

I get him back by slowly poisoning his beloved ivy with some hardcore weedkiller, and throwing my cat's shit over the fence with a spade.
( Malaka omdz, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 14:52, Reply)

My Neighbours Are Loud
They make noises like -
BANG BANG BANG BANG *GROOOOOAN*
BANG BANG BANG *UUUUH*
BANG BANG BANG...
I've always wondered what they're doing. It doesn't sound scary, but it is. Very scary indeed.
(Dooley, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 14:02, Reply)

Scary Neighbours
I live near the kids I teach at school. Ouch!
(jezperrott, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 13:22, Reply)

The worst of all.
I live less than a half mile from my ex wife.

She's scarier than any of your neighbors. Trust me on this.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 27 Aug 2005, 12:58, Reply)

not really a neighbour....
I was sharing a flat with a druggie. Why? Because my mate (not a druggie) also lived there and wanted someone to help him out when the drugged up tosser got a bit too lairy.

Also because when I asked him how much he wanted in rent for the room he replied he didn't know so (while he was out of it) offered him £30 a week including all bills.

One of his 'mates' left his staff bull terrier with us and never came back for it (but he had used the poor dog as an ashtray).

Another of the druggies mates saw my tattoo's and proudly showed me his - except it was a fuck off great scar from when he had fallen asleep next to some sort of heating device and burnt himself rather severely before noticing!

Also, the police were constantly raiding the place.

First time was scary

Second time was concerning.

By the 5th time I was letting them into the place on a first name basis and then meeting them later down the pub!
(bdgr can't think of anything witty to type here, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 12:15, Reply)

scary neighbours
My upstairs neighbours are basically a pair of smelly mentalist cunts. Mr & Mrs Fucking-Cunt, so posh their name is double barreled, are a pair of senile delinquents. Mrs FC has a personal hygene problem, but credit to her, she likes to leave her bedroom window open so anyone within a quarter mile radius can smell her genitals superb impression of Billingsgate fish market. Mr FC is a spitting image of Manuel from Flowery Twats crossed with cocknose and Mr Burns of Simpsons fame.

Pair of bastards both of em.
(sinister, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 12:10, Reply)

Where i used to live...
we had one of those "special" houses down the bottom of the road for all the crazy war veterans, junkies and electro shock therapy patients - you know the ones i mean. As expected there were quite a few special people - the guy who always wore shorts and a wooly hat and the nice gentleman that wore a top hat, blue sandals and always had an unlit ciggarette hanging from his mouth. Now quite often the latter character came back to their delightful abode and started shouting "I'm not fucking Hitler, I'm not fucking Stalin, I'm not fucking Goerring" and other names of various infamous dictators.

T'was rather scary at three in the morning or any other time. Scariest was when i was delievering th free paper for 80p an hour and he (tophat) invited me inside.
(elasticanimal, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 12:01, Reply)

My next door neighbour is a taxi driver
so thats the first thing. He is also quite clearly a serial killer, although he is the best neighbour you could have. When some punks tried to break into our house when we were away, he chased them down the road with a crowbar. If he had caught them there is no doubt at all in my mind that they would have joined the suspicious series of grave shaped lumps in rows in his garden I can see from my window. He also has 5 sheds, and uses heavy machinery at night. Once he came round early in the morning to see my Mum, who is a GP, with a huge gash in his stomach, allegedly caused by the propeller of a model plane he was building. At three in the fucking morning? hmm.
In his kitchen there are hundreds of car keys hanging from his ceiling like trophies, and he has on display every maglite available in size order on top of his fridge. His house is like the one from texas chainsaw massacre both inside and outside, with the amount of weird and rusting junk that lies everywhere.
Nice guy though. and extremely helpfull too.
(Willboy:, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 11:22, Reply)

Bombers
Not exactly neighbours but I live in Leeds and one of the houses of the London bombers is just down the road. Its still all hidden away behind black sheeting with a police guard.
(si-mong, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 11:10, Reply)

dead cats and harcore techno
i used to live in the red light district of Toulouse (France), with a 20ish couple living the flat above mine... they used to listen to that awful hardcore techno, the one with 250 bpm and "scary" voices, at all hours of the day and night. Once they left the windows open during a storm and water starting coming throught the roof, so i had to ring the place where the bloke told me he workend, the boss on the other end said something like "he doesn't work here any more and i don't ever want to hear his name ever again". They'd scream at each other, and at their two small cats. When they were sick of the cats meowing or moving about, they'd put them on the window sill and shut the window. One of the cats died, so they chucked the body in one of the buildings wheelie bins. The neighbour below tried to get the SPA (the french equivalent of the RSPCA) involved, but there was not much they could do. So she managed to get hold of the remaining cat, because it would often escape and wonder up and down the stairs. She already had two cats in a small flat, so she gave it to me... this skinny, frightened little tabby... six years on i've still got it, it's huge, it looks like a seal and is quite content. Oh and one new years eve, the same bloke came a knocking while i was getting ready to go out, and tried to borrow some cash off me... i told him i had nothing on me, so he pointed out that there was a cash machine down the end of our street. Pure class neighbours.
(Alaning, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 10:55, Reply)

I never had any trouble when I lived at home in London...
...Our neighbours were all lovely lovely people (except the guy down the street who would go out on the pavement at 3:00am and LOUDLY praise God for bringing us 'full-stops, commas, and the rest of punctuation'). This was quite a pleasant surprise sometimes, as there was a mental asylum at the bottom of our road, and you'd expect there to be a few more nutters. Sod's law, right?

No, the trouble began when I went off to uni. Got a really nice room living in a hall of residence right in the middle of town. I mean, a nice room. I was dead lucky, considering I was a first year. I thought I was fucking set.

Until I realised that my room was about 10 feet above the prime hangout for homeless-types on the main street. There was the guy with the fighting dogs. The mutually abusive couple (*bottle smashes* 'You cunt!' 'I'm not a cunt! You're a cunt!'). At 3am I'd get the noise from the kebab van that parked 30 feet away. I once got to watch two tramps fight in the street. This city is a big tourist spot, and the top deck of those open-top buses was eye-level with my open window, which they would stop in front of to talk about boring crap, all the while leaving gaping tourists to catch glimpses of me unawares. The woman with the tin whistle was a favourite. She could only play 'I am the Lord of the Dance, Said He' over and over again. It was fun.

But the best, the *best*, were the Big Issue guys. "BIG Issue..." "Big ISSUE!" "Join the smallest queue in the world!" Right. Under. My. Window.
For hours.

One of them, with an especially slurred voice, would make up fun songs!
"Big Issue! Big Issue! We all fall down!" (Repeat for half an hour non-stop)
"We all live in a TUB OF MARGERINE!"
That last one was sung to the tune of 'Yellow Submarine'. He went on for 40 minutes or so (non-stop), and I drifted off for an hour. When I woke up...he was *still* singing it. God almighty. I heard every word they ever said clear as a bell, and by the end of the year, I wanted to muder them myself with rusty knives and a vaginal speculum. Every night, I'd get to watch these 'homeless' men and women trudge their sorry way away...

...on their bikes

...and in their van

...talking on their fucking mobiles.

Many apologies for length, girth, etc
(cface run. Run, face, run!, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 10:18, Reply)

No matter where I live, my neighbours and I tend to scare each other mutually.
About 7 years ago my neighbour was an aspiring bass player who was only limited by his lack of talent. We were reasonably tolerant of this, being the nurturing musical types we were, however this all changed one morning after a big party when the house was jolted awake to a hamfisted attempt at the bassline from "Killing in the Name of" by Rage Against the Machine.

We (about 10 of us, all in that blissful stage where you wake up just before the hangover kicks in) migrated to the back yard, outside his window and tried to help him by singing the bassline as sarcastically as possible (dun-dun-dun DUN-DUN-DUN etc), and lobbing rotten passionfruit from the vine in the backyard through his window.

He actually put up with this for about 15 minutes before putting his head out of the window (and copping a passionfruit in the face - it didn't explode) and yelling at us with a voice of complete exasperation that will forever be burned into my memory, "SHIFT MY WANK!" before slamming his window shut.

Within a certain circle of friends, the phrase "shift my wank" is used to this day to cover a wide range of emotions (confusion, boredom, anger, excitement - the list goes on), to settle arguments and on one occasion it was even used to start one.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 10:00, Reply)

my next-door neighbor
built another house in his backyard. I've no idea how he managed to get the permit for it, but its 3 and a half stories tall and blocks out most of the sunlight to our house. Bastard rents it out to a bunch of chavs and ricers.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 8:34, Reply)

our neighbor across the street
steals our garbage and puts it in her own cans on garbage day. She doesn't scream or drink or anything, just steals our garbage and puts it in her own can. I talk to her occasionally, but i've never brought it up...
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 8:30, Reply)

Generally our area is considered respectable etc.
But one day a load of police officers asked us if they could use our spare room to spy on the house of some suspected drug-related mafia-type criminals. All day, and all night, there was at least three of them in our house, drinking our tea and eating our biscuits. Nipping to the loo in the middle of the night was out of the question. When about a couple of days in, about 2am, I woke up to hear 'Go go go!' etc and a load of police officers charging down the stairs, out the door, over the road, and busting into a house over the road. Sirens followed. Oh, what fun and excitement. We did eventually get a thank you card from the police station saying that everything went well. How nice!
( CaroWallis, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 7:53, Reply)

Yabbadabbadoo!
Apart from twunty neighbors as mentioned in a previous post, all of the others in our little 14 house grove were lovely.
Except the ones next door where very vocal when it came to sex. We none of us ever said anything about it to them, until the time they were going at it quite vigorously and as he "reached his peak" he yelled Yabbadabbadooooooooo.

Next day, my brother and I saw him in the street and started singing the Flintstones theme tune, and every time they had sex after that, they knew we knew.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 1:26, Reply)

Where do I start?
1st neighbours... we were moving into our new (1st) house onto a "well-known" estate. Blokie across the road was leaning out of his front window clocking everything we were taking in. Hubby (6' 4") shouted over, "Come and have a look round if you're that interested!" Blokie quickly retreats.

2nd neighbours... talk about keeping up the the Joneses! Everything we bought (and bragged about) they had to do something better. We got one over on them though - we move out to the third house.

3rd neighbour... my parents - the less said about that, the better.

4th neighbours... at this point - back on a council estate (complete with trainers over the telephone wire and cars on bricks) - we seemed to be living next to the local chav hostel. The first family that lived there were OK for a while until the fella moved out. The lass then decided that she was going to revert to her teenage years. Parties all night, sleep all day, kids left to their own devices. Knocks on our door for bread, milk, sugar etc... the giro spend on excessive living rather than the bear essentials. It came to a head when she held an all weekend party (beer cans in our front garden, noise all the time) and she ended up stealing some drugs from one of the other party-goers. They promptly beat her up so she went to the police. She then got moved out to a secret address.

The house was empty for a while but we soon got some new neighbours - did we wish it had stayed empty?

The new neighbours were just as bad, if not worse. If you could bottle chavness then this was it! Our kids got the blame (from them) for EVERYTHING. They also held all night parties, drank all day, dealt drugs, let the kids run wild. The lass called an ambulance one day because she had stomach ache. We saw the ambulance and thought she had been beaten up by her partner. She disappeared for a couple of days and came back with a baby! She didn't even know she was pregnant - neither did anyone else! We've since moved out but the fella is still trying to brag all over town that he drove us out of the house. Eff Off Mate!

*woohoo @ first post*


Length? Girth? The bigger the better!
(Tallulah, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 1:02, Reply)

Charlie Uniform November Tango
A former neighbour of ours was a bundle of laughs. Not only would I spend many a cheerfull hour tending the wounds of his girlfriends head after he beat her, but I would also try to teach his disfunctional son how to talk like a normal three year old, and not like he has been raised by a twat.
The man threatened to stab me, stab my mom, burn our house down and kill my dog, between smashing up our cars and generally upsetting the locals.
Imagine our joy and rapture when the police rang us up to tell us (the officer was laughing at the time) that the stupid cunt had hung himself. I danced on his grave, and shat on it.
No.
Really.
Pants down and coil out a good 'un.
Oh, and as his corpse hung from a lonely tree in the woods, someone robbed his trainers.
I love neighbours.
( nnnndave, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 0:20, Reply)

Not exactly scary but.........
Many years ago I lived in a shared house in Southend-on-Sea and the lass who lived downstairs was a real noisy fucking bitch.

I used to ask her on a regular basis to KEEP THE FUCKING NOISE DOWN!!! As I had to work, unlike her.

She even used to get her chavvy fuckin' Escort driving cunt of a boyfriend to answer the door whenever I knocked cos she knew I was gonna complain - like a 5foot8 chav fuckwit is gonna step up to ME!.

One particular day, whilst having a shower, I noticed that noisy chick had left her shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom - it some coconut flavoured stuff that looked exactly like cum.......

......so I wanked into both bottles, several times.

Her hair looked lovely.
(badseeds, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 23:50, Reply)

Albuquerque=hell
I lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico for three years. I don't recommend this.

My first experience was when I was pulling in to the driveway of my new apartment with my da' for the very first time ever.

We were immediately surrounded by shotgun-wielding police officers, who told us to get into the house, NOW.

Turns out that someone had reported an intruder in the house behind mine, and the cops were doing some sort of 'sting' operation...the intruder turned out to be a house-sitter, but still, what an introduction to Albuquerque. In that house, I lived next to a grotty old man who turned out to be a raging alcoholic. When he died, his family simply left his two cats locked in the house to die. We and another neighbor rescued his sad, emaciated, abused animals almost two weeks later. One of the cats still lives with a friend of mine--turned out to be a wonderful pet, but required dental surgery from the kicks to the face given by the nasty old drunk.

My next place in Albuquerque was less eventful, except that you could often hear people running across the roof of the building with the police in hot pursuit. Oh, and the woman next door was ALSO an alcoholic. She would be very quiet for weeks, and then have a complete blow-out at 2 a.m. screaming, threatening to call the cops, and throwing things against the wall she shared with my apartment. Never could figure out what she was throwing at the wall, but it sounded like something the size and shape of a grapefruit. Odd enough, except that she lived alone, and near as I can tell, there was never anyone IN the apartment for her to be screaming at when she went on these rampages. The first time this happened, I was concerned. The seventh time it happened, I was just annoyed.

This is the same city that showed me my first methamphetamine addict, and the town where I had the unique experience of a bum asking me for change, and, when declined, asking, "...So, what are you doing tonight? Wanna get together?" I've had grudging admiration for him, though--gotta admire someone able to panhandle change AND ask for dates in the same conversation.

Needless to say, I left Albuquerque as soon as humanly possible and have never returned.
(herbivorous, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 23:02, Reply)

Cunts on both fucking sides !
To the left side of my lovely semi-detached nightmare that i affectionatley call home i have a family that is worthy of springer. A giant of a father who was once on the beer wagon. Silent and sombre, but a violent temper. Once kicked the shit out of a family friends car 'cos they'd parked in his space. Guess asking them was just a bit to much effort.

His wife is deeply neurotic and prone to uncontrolable fits of crying. Then again if i was married to her husband i'd no doubt be the same. He is a fucking scary bastard.

Their Daughter, who is a bit younger than me had recently blossomed into something that resembles a soho crack whore. She was once a meek timid girl, but no more. My own mother, who is turning into a nosey middle aged bint (bless her), has seen her being dropped off by no more than three different men. I'm slightly jealous, but then again there is a lack of the gay round where i live.

To the right we have a young couple who are somewhat vocal about everything. Their specialty is late night karaoke. I can tell you, there is nothing like a drunk (and once again mentally unbalanced) horse of a woman seranding all and sundry with fucking barry manilow at 3 AM. Cunt. Her boyfriend is no better, but at least he once had the decency to push her down the stairs. Which was funny. They are currently in the process of a painful break up. Which personally give me much entertainment.

No apologies for length what so ever !
(spookyfish, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 21:16, Reply)

Yarr
The neighbours on one side of me are seriously frightening. Sometimes I hear the woman shouting, which is understandable I suppose, but once I had to call the cops on them since I heard her screaming and yelling 'help me!' and scratching on the walls. The police showed up and nothing happened. She also stares at us out of her window frequently, including the one time we made snowmen outside at three in the morning. Sometimes I still hear randomly screaming. I can't wait to move.

My neighbours on the other side are lovely though, they even told us when they were having parties and told us to tell them if the music was too loud. Aww.
(froffee, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 19:33, Reply)

Our old neighbour was remoured to be a pedo
one night when we were all in the front room watching TV and bloke pulled his gate of his wall and tried to smash it through his window shouting "where's my Daughter!where's my Daughter!!" When the bloke came out the window smasher strangled him.

luckly for him his wife broke it up.
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 19:17, Reply)

german tourists
On holiday in bulgaria and who should stay in the room next to mine but some dirty germans who are not only hell bent on being noisy at all times of the night but have the audacity to hang their towels on my side of the balcony.

Well well methinks, the worm has now turned and after a particularly heavy night on my part I realised that the 2 metre walk to the toilet was too far so instead I relieved myself on their towels. I can only imagine their delight as they were rubbing themselves with my piss the next day.


On second thoughts being german they probably did like that sort of thing.
(priiize, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 19:15, Reply)

I live in a quiet little village in Cambridgeshire.
Not exactly my neighbours, but a few doors away a whole family of chavs moved in. Now every evening they race each other up and down the road in one point fuck all Corsas, Clios and the like, with big fat wheels, and exhaust pipes you could drive a tube train through. The mother is about 45, about 18st with a huge fat gut, short skirts (when she is not wearing those tight leggings which show off her cameltoe), enourmous flabby tits which hang out of her tight tops and bleached hair and a voice which could peel paint. They all wear loads of Burberry and fake gold crap jewelery. Even the fucking pikeys have moved out of the field down the road. I would like to burn them all alive but the UK is a tad intollerant of that kind of thing, that Tony Martin lives quite close and look what happened to him. He should have been cunting well knighted. *tugs forelock*
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 26 Aug 2005, 18:53, Reply)

argh
Very occasionaly, in the middle of the night, our neighbour gets totally off his head and then falls asleep with the same track of a cd on repeat. This is always at max volume and will play over and over again I guess that he is basically unconsious and doesn't hear if I phone him up or hammer on the door - so I have to listen to some select item of Queen's repertoire until he regains consiousness
(repurposing, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 18:45, Reply)

Well, some of my naighbours hate me

but they had a good reason, Even thoge it's not my fault that my dog decided to live on their beck-yard and bark there on 4 am.

But if you ensist, i once lived in a house that my vice-priciple of my elementary school lived in before. The house was full with old cigarets and dead flyes. Beside, her stupid children had wrirten on the front wall that "Today is Thursday, tomorrow is friday, the day after tomorrow is Saturday"


My english sucks, sorry in advence
(Scotchman, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 18:32, Reply)

Drugs raid
My neighbours were not particularly exciting or extravagant. Apart from the occasional escaping dog or late night visit from friends, they didn't disturb us.

Until, one morning, at 6:30am, we were woken by a loud banging.

Looked out the window to see 5 police vans, dozens of Coppers, and a battering ram on their rear door.

Minutes later, the door was bent out of shape and lying on the floor.

Never heard from them again, strangely.
(empty_personality, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 18:26, Reply)

i'm sorry to say
i'm the scary neighbour.
(HalfwayHebrew, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 18:13, Reply)