what dad got
my dad ya got to love him he got a case of pineapples for his secret santa gift... fortunately thats what he wanted!

6 years ago I received a call from a family friend that was coming to visit for xmas, and I told em what I knew was a favorite from his childhood was a Idaho Spud candy bar. I arranged for him to bring my dad a box of the candy bars from Idaho to southern California just for him... the look on his face absolutely PRICELESS

I love the old geezer
(starvinm1, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 21:48, Reply)

Waste
I drew the chairman of the board out of the hat.

He'd fired some good people that year and been an arse about it, so I bought him a knife sharpener.

Sadly he didn't get it. All he said was 'Now all I need is a knife'.
(CheesyChimp, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 20:41, Reply)

Works for girlfriends and wives, too.... once.
Mainly because - if you're a man with no track-record - they're half-expecting a really crap gift from you. Same goes for Secret Santas, I guess - so here goes:

1. You know what they say about the thought counting for something? Well, fuck me if it isn't true. Put some thought into your present. By choosing something clever/appropriate, you can squeeze a lot out of £5. Acutally, make that £4.50...

2. Pop along to your nearest charity store or boot sale and pick up an old jigsaw puzzle for 50p. If it doesn't have a price sticker, add one and the text '5 pieces missing'... then pop the actual gift (something *decent*, remember) inside the box, mix it in with the jigsaw pieces and wrap the lot in obviously-recycled Christmas wrap.

They'll think you've bought them crap, but inside will be something lovely. They'll never forget it.
( Manic can teach you the secret of fire, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 17:57, Reply)

True Story - Despite what people think.
I started working in an office 3 years ago in November to make ends meet while i was in between jobs.

I hit the place at a good time. They just needed extra staff incase they had a sudden spurt of sales come through (what never happend) and it was time to announce the secret santa people. Being a small office (14 people and 1 manager) it didnt take me long to know people. Especially the little minx who was on the computer oposite mine. Mary.

The draw had taken place. I had managed to pick the office comedian Clive. HE was easy to buy for. Just got him a whoopie cushion and a book of stupid jokes. But also in the few days leading upto christmas i noticed that Mary kept looking at me. At first i thought it was a crush, then i thought i had summat stuck on me. But i didnt let it get to me. We wasnt alowed to give out the presents on the last day of work. It was seen as 'counter-productive' what is crap as we didnt have anything to do. So i sent Clive his present in the post, and hoped to get mine in the same manner. But in a way i didnt.

Couple of days before christmas, i recived mine. It was a cheque-book sex thingy where it says 'this cheque is for 1 blow job' that sort of thing. But the weird thing is that they all had 'NA' writtern across them and marked out. Apart from one. 'This cheque is for 1 night of passion'. Signed at the bottom 'From Mary'

I was a little intrigued. So i gave her a call on her mobile to see whats up. She said she liked teasing me, that was her Secret Santa gift. THe she asked me round because she didnt fancy going out that night and she was lonley. Great, i thought we could have a little food, some wine and watch a movie. So i grabbed us an Indian (takeaway not a person) and went over to her place. She opend the door. Then my mouth hit the floor.

She was wearing the most reveling underware i have seen. No bathrobe or anything. She grabbed me and gave me the most prick teasing kiss ive ever had. We put the Indian on the side and we took our fun upstairs. No words were spoken untill we had reached our first climax. Mary had said she found me atractive in a sort of 'young guy' (i was late teens, she was mid 20s) way and wanted to expierence that sort of thing. She showed me what she got from the Secret Santa. It was from Clive (funny little 3 way thing!) and it was and inflatable peins waht vibrated. It was 3 foot long, so it couldnt be used.

We then took ourselves down to eat the meal. IT was weird because i have barely spoke to the woman before, and there i am, in my boxers, she is in the revealing underware. We just made general nicities, then we moved into teh front room to watch a movie. About half way through (Sleepless in Seattle) we both again got a bit frisky. You can imagine the rest! We done it once more that night, then once before i left in the mornings.





We started back at the office. Clive was setting off his whoopie cushion and telling everyone the BAD jokes what was in his book. Every time i looked at Mary, she looked away. At lunch i went to find her to see what was up. She told me it was a mistake and that it wont happen again, and it would be best if i tried not to speak to her. Fair enough i thought, im out on feb 1st so it doesnt bother me too much.

Heres the climax (pardon the pun). I had an email pop up from her the day i left. She thanked me for making one of her fantasys come true. Then it went on to say that she was married. Her husband was away for business and wanted me to come over and live out her fantasy. Then it wnet into great detail about for the past 5 years shes wanted to seduce a young man, and the previous people who was in my position were either fat science geeks, lads who are pretty and love them selves or just plain virgins who cant read the signs.




Names have been changed. This is a true story, i still have the email now. On an old hotmail acount ofcourse! If you click 'I Like This', i will let you know how to work in that office next christmas!
(DebbieDoesDerby, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:58, Reply)

hmm
When I was in primary school they had a "postbox" that we were supposed to put our christmas cards in and the teachers would go around every morning giving everybody the cards that they had been sent.

I'm a bit of a nob. So, naturally, I sent myself about 6 cards on one day.


I was the coolest kid ever!
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:56, Reply)

Tightwads
As part of NHS cost-cutting, my old boss decided that all the office workers in the hospital should do their own cleaning and bog-scrubbing and the cleaners were given the boot.

Imagine her surprise at the Christmas party upon opening her gaily wrapped Secret Santa to find a packet of J-cloths and a roll of binliners.

It wasn't me. Honest.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:50, Reply)

They hold water!
I found a book on origami, so i made the people i love paper cups.

I thought that they were great
(abignumber, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:43, Reply)

I have never,
and nor will I ever take part in a secret santa thing.

The only reason people know about it at all is because it was in The Office... its similar to all those annoying gunts who go round repeating the same comedy catchphrases, thinking they're funny.

In fact i heard a fellow student talking to his friend about doing "secret santa", i looked up and, yep, he was a complete stripey-scalf-wearing, trendy twatty-hair-styled, deserves-to-get-mugged kinda metrosexual-fuck-shit that always thinks these things are cool because they've heard of it!

The same sort of people who say that [insert musical genre] is dead because they dont like it any more.

STFU and go slam your head in your MacBook which you only really use to sit there looking poncey.

bell ends!

/i also hate blogs blog
(A Hospital Carpark, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:41, Reply)

Another tampax story
I used to work for the failing high street giant (or dyslexix S&M, if you prefer) in a department that was almost entirely women, with 2 token males, both fresh-faced 17 year olds. For the secret santa we were instructed to spend around £5 on something silly but useful.

We didn't use the (ever-so-sensible) method of picking a name from a hat, instead just did generic presents, so you pick a pressie at random.

Yes, inevitably, it was one of the guys who got a selection box of tampons in various absorbancies, and a side order of panty liners.

The look on his face was worth it tho.

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:36, Reply)

lining rob's pockets
i sent the joke book yesterday as a secret santa present
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Always the same
I always buy a rubber chicken. Whether the spend is set at £5 or more, whether the receiver got me last year, no matter the circumstance, regardless the theme.

Secret Santa = Rubber Chicken.
(Rhye, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:28, Reply)

I gave....
Chlamydia..
(LunarJim, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:18, Reply)

I spent my high school years in the States,
where I was given a lot of stick by my classmates for being clever and getting high marks and using words with more than one syllable. So when Secret Santa time came around, guess what I found a big box of on my desk?


( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 16:00, Reply)

Ex wife.
Still to buy for.

Well, no I don't have to buy her anything but seeing as you brought the subject up....

Say we allocate £20 to this - suggest away.

That said, she did get the bullet after funding a rather expensive foreign Christmas holiday. Not directly after though - I have a shred of conscience left.
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:47, Reply)

Call centre b3tard...
...was the stinkiest colleague I've ever had, as well as being an alien spotting geek.
The classy pound-shop soap with a toy martian in the middle didn't go down too well!
(bizfrog, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:44, Reply)

Doctor whatnow?
Just gt my secret santa pressie. a doctor who sonic screwdriver.

I'm 25.

when asked, "hatofjam, do you like doctor who then?"

I replied, loudly and emphatically, "no".

then again someone got a build your own diecast toy car. he's 40.

and yes - i do work in the IT business.
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:41, Reply)

I just bought a girl in my office a cock houpla. I'm ashamed.

( darth munki is flipping livid, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:30, Reply)

Our little group do Secret Santa
It started a couple of year ago when we were students, but an odd little friend of mine always gets me something.

She gets these really really bad presents, but they're so bad it gives you a little chuckle. Things like roller blades for a 6 year old that were in the bin outside a pound shop.

Last year she got me a few condoms and lube for free in the gay advice clinic we used to live above.

But the best/worst was a christmas when i was a few blissful months gone from a job in a certain fast food chain. What do i find in the card she made from office paper and a highlighter? Five euro worth of McDonalds gift vouchers. None of us, myself included, knew that such a thing existed.


Edit: For those who aren't aware that a euro is worth about as much as an open packet of crisps, 5 quid will not even get you a proper meal in the golden arches. Had to buy the drink on my ownio!
(RitalinFreak is dying in a clichéd manner, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:25, Reply)

Xmas shreddies...
I don't like Xmas too much so I tend to get around my moral dilemna by buying the wife stuff we needed anyway.

Like peanut butter and toilet paper.

And the look on my 8 year old daughter's face when she opens her gift wrapped cereal...aah, the joy of being a parent.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:21, Reply)

Anal Ski Vacation (DVD)
For the 63yr old Spinster Secretary.




She did give it a knowing look, and DIDN't hit the roof.

20 yrs younger and I'd have had a pop
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:05, Reply)

Just For Men...
for the 23yr old girl with a grey tuft





I got a discliplinary for that, appealed successfully.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:03, Reply)

Mrs YC's boss
Was a bit of a twat, but she ended up being his secret santa. That years theme was something aquatic.

So off we went to the nearest chinese supermarket for...

A jar of picked mudfish. Look liked sliced babies heads in glue.

He never found out where it came from.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 15:00, Reply)

I got my workmate

the video of 'Teen Wolf Too'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

We don't do the Secret Santa thing anymore
One year, me, my two brothers and my stepmum all bought gifts and put them in a pile.

The rules are: the person who picks the highest scrabble piece gets to pick first. After that you go around to the left and either take a chance on a wrapped pressie from the pile or steal something someone has already opened.

You can just tell this was going to go badly...

Well, had we all bought pressies of an equal beauty and value, it might have been okay. However, the designer handblown spice rack I bought went to my stepmum in the end. She had put in a bizarre, dollar store, bird house, and my poor brother went home with it. He had put in a gorgeous handpainted Turkey platter.

Everyone hated eachother and our happy Christmassy mood was instantly destroyed as we all felt that we had been cheated and old wounds were re-opened and thoroughly salted.

I never saw the bloody spice rack again, and am certain this has been re-gifted by my thrifty (read tight) step mum.

Bah humbag. Now I buy her tea bags and save the nice gifts for my bros.
(Peelmytangerines, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:49, Reply)

Quite proud of what I did last year
Had to buy a cheap gift for the new guy in the office. He hadn't even been there a week so nobody knew a damn thing about the guy - except that he was a smoker. So, being the creative type that I am, I bought him a pack of 20 Marlboro Lights and threw together some custom cut-out-and-keep warning labels.

Just so happens that I kept the warning labels on my hard drive, so here you all go - print this out and give it to your smoking co-worker. It's cheap as chips and you'll look all clever-pants-smarty.



Sorry for the size, by the way
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:37, Reply)

Santa - urban legends
Much as coke have ripped of the talented Mr Veitch, I'm afraid the santa thing is an urban legend
www.snopes.com/cokelore/santa.asp

I'm afraid I don't have a silly tale about secret santa's, I did get one of those air cannons last year though......that was pretty sweet.
(badfiremonkey, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:36, Reply)

Eh?
When I was in 8th grade I was given a beautifully wrapped garden hose adaptor.

I say again...eh?
(beelee, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Merry Frizmas!
This year I gave my secret santa chilli sauce.

But last year at work, I was happy enough to get my lovely boss as the recepitant of my 'secret' gift.

Three months before this, there was a brilliant incident where she accidentally replaced her diary with the work diary. The work diary being the book we keep all bookings in for people who want to book private functions in the pub. The entire staff had a good giggle at it, especially one page where she decided to insult all of in one sentence (paraphrase: 'Why did I bother hiring a bunch of incompetent monkeys who pour flat pints and have the collective intellectual capacity of a gnat').

So, what did I give my boss for Secret Santa? A scarab beetle, wrapped in that page of her diary.
( __, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:29, Reply)

Santa
Santa Claus, as we know him today, is an invention of the Coca-Cola Company ca. 1930.(*)

So whatever you get from him this year, check the underside to see if it's got 'Property of Joel Veitch' stamped on it.

(* Edit: Apparently this isn't true. See above. I don't care though, he's still evil.)
(><(((">, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 14:29, Reply)