I ate a poo!
it was brown, sticky, and had corn in it. But most of it was flour, olive oil and cocoa. T'was good too. We put them on a platter and offered them to people on the street, saying we were doing some prototype product testing for cadbury. We filmed it too, but sadly it exists only as a videotape, I'd love to show you all someday. Watch this space.
(Arsenic, Fri 13 Jul, 2:73 and, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:56, Reply)

Big Fat Shit
2 years ago in our office, we got a new programmer. To reeinforced stereotypes of programmers, as seen in The Simpsons when Homer gets disability allowance, this guy was huge. About 5'8", but with a body that would make Rik Waller look svelte. We worked on the second floor, so he came in everyday knackered from making it up the stairs (in which time, no one else could use them) and it took 2 hours for his breathing to return to normal.

Our toilet cubicles are 3ft x 6ft x 8ft. One of my colleagues was amazed one morning when he saw the guy struggling out of one of them. As they passed each other, he noticed a strong whiff, but put it down to being a fat bloke who's had to climb stairs. He then turned to look in the cubicle and promptly through up. The back wall, bowl and fittings were completely covered, up to a height of 4ft on the wall, in runny shite.

The toilet was closed for 2 days. The fat guy resigned the day after.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:55, Reply)

Gargantuan
Not as bad as one I read earlier but while at a previous job there was a rather large chap (read: fat as fuck) who constantly stank out the sales floor, one time so much that the MD actually had to give him a stern talking to.
I was working at my desk on the ground floor and noticed that there was water running down the wall, turned out that not only had he blocked up the trap he was using but had wedged the enormous piece of shit in the main sewerage system somehow backing up all of the plumbing in the building!
Took a while to sort out as because it had managed to slime its way out of the building and into the public systems the Council had to come and shift it.
That day from that point on was known as 'The Hunt For Brown October'.
(Doogal, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:54, Reply)

Down Derby meeting the girlfriend
I went through a bottle of Blue Karako (sp?).

The following day my crap was a weird sort of luminous green. Stunk to high heaven too, earlier farts were compared to an open drain.

Still. ‘Twas far better that the usual (at the time) eight pint inflicted “Guinness dookie”, a nasty sort of a black frothy tar, that took approx two bog rolls to clean up. ;)
(Pandaemonium, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:50, Reply)

Cacka
My friend once did a rather fine turd (even colour, good shape) the only distiguishing feature was that he had shat out a wasp, it was well imbedded in the cack, it was not a case of the wasp being in the wrong place at the wrong time, he had definately cacked it out. He was more than a little freaked out.
A different friend had to face his next door neighbours after a party at his dads house:
Neighbour: can you clear some shit off our lawn left by your mates.
Friend: How do you know its not your dogs
Neighbour: Dogs dont wipe their arse with tescos till receipts...
(maximcondor, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:49, Reply)

Lots of Pooo !
A mate of mine once had such a HUGE night out on the piss whilst in Sydney over Xmas, that when we awoke in the morning he was lying face down on his bed, with no trousers or jocks on, and shit smudged between both cheeks. He had shit all over his hand. We followed the trail of shit across his bedroom floor, into the kitchen and up to the fridge, which of course had taken the full treatment of runny shit inside. What a fucking mess it was. He did'nt half make a funny face clearing it up - we even took photos of it just in case he ever became famous, and/or rich. Oh how we laughed as we bribed him once he became a famous professional footballer !!!
(jim_bar, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:48, Reply)

Shit Stories
Once upon a time when I was at school there was this chap called Hans.
He was a burly brute and he proudly did a monolithic turd of such great magnitude it shut down the toilets for a week.

Someone had blocked the bog with toilet paper. He then proudly crafted his very own Cleopatra's needle which I swear to you was more then a foot long. The circumference at the base was at least 7" which tapered off as the poo ascended skywards with uncanny precision. Everyone saw this "creation" before the area was cordoned off.

The school caretakers refused to tackle the problem. A week later a sort of biohazard environmental team came to make the area safe again.

And did I mention the smell.........Unholy.
(booionic, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:24, Reply)

once at uni, after spending far to long just living off coffee
i had a very odd crap, it was totally white with little brown veins running down it. also required no wiping! :o)
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:08, Reply)

dos stories
1. After eating lots of vietnamese greens and vegetables one night, I noticed particularly green poop the next day. Intrigued, I examined it a bit closer and found that it had no scent. At that point I was elated at the fact that my shit really did not stink. I made sure it wasn't a fluke the next time I got vietnamese food, and found that again, with consumption of certain green things my shit was indeed delightfully scentless.

2. I'm anal retentive in the literal sense of the phrase. I just won't go for days. I was spending a couple nights at a friend's house and hadn't gone for a few days and it was all compacted and boulder-esque, so I definitely had to go. After spending a fair amount of time in the bathroom, my friend was getting worried. I assured her that I was fine and would be out momentarily. I tried to flush the surpisingly round turd and it just would not. The bowl was starting to fill with water and I had no option but to remove it manually. Like the trooper that I am, I wrapped my hand in toilet paper and reached in and removed the half stuck turd from the drain (there was some digging involved-it was pretty stuck). I definitely buried it in said friend's trash can. My hand smelled like poo for days.
sorry for the length!
(The 3rd Duchess of Spank, Thu 6 May 2004, 7:56, Reply)

Several years ago...
I was in desperate, screaming need of a shit. The urge had come on halfway through a long walk home, in the middle of the day (so no sneaky crapping behind a dark bush) and no available toilet. I finally got home, did the frantic spastic can't get the key in the front door thing, finally opened the door, rushed down the hall and managed to drop the strides, plant my arse on the toilet and let fly all in one remarkably coordinated move. I suspect more luck than judgement was involved. There was so much shit, and it all came out so fast that I actually felt my internal organs shift thanks to the newly available space in my abdomen. The relief was beyond palpable...nearly orgasmic.

Best.

Shit.

Ever.
(sacredchao, Thu 6 May 2004, 6:51, Reply)

Yay-I made the winning topic. Anyway, my story.
Once I ate 10 fruit by the foot fruit rolls. That night in bed I farted and roleed over. Next morning I find myself covered in BLUE shit, bright blue, and the bed looks like a sewer. Needless to say I sold the bed.
(Roland Deschain, Thu 6 May 2004, 6:24, Reply)

As much as I love regular sex,
my boyfriend and I also like to indulge in the odd bit of "fudge packing".
I usually find afterwards that my poop
a) stinks like poo with an aroma of jizm
b) comes out very oddly shaped, almost flat but long, as if it's been ironed.
Even when my bowels are empty before getting shagged up the arse.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 6 May 2004, 5:31, Reply)

Boulder shits
I went to go see Kill Bill 2 the day after it opened and I think something in the popcorn disagreed with me. I was at the bookstore about a half hour later and a rock settled in my intestines. Putting the two Megatokyo books and I think an Edward Gorey aside, I left in search of a john. The theatre was at the otherside of a doozey of a parking lot and I knew I would not make it, so I searched for something in the area. Not wanting to traverse through Macy's for a toilet, I went to the nearest place I knew would have a ready toilet without my having to buy something: Burger King. Big mistake.

Oh, where to begin. First, the mall is ghetto, fortunately not very ghetto, but close enough. So the bathroom's already a wreck, the floor is slick, the doorknob is wet from something, the stall doors have spaces large enough above and beneath for someone to look through and see what's going on. To make matters worse, there is a queue, the first stall (out of two) that I went into had no toilet paper, and the second that did have toilet paper was the one which recieved a dookie the size of a tennis ball and long as a football. For those of you who have seen Trainspotting, this is the worst toilet in New York, except it's in white tile with better lighting.

I'm in New York, so water pressure is pretty good. I expect the crap to be flushed like rocket fuel. What happens? The handle barely moves an inch and everytime I jiggle the handle, I only get a little bit of water and the tennis ball moves an inch. It takes about ten tries of this before the thing is smashed up enough by the water to be properly flushed. I barely get my hands clean, I get them dirty again from the doorknob, any attempt to find a bathroom in Macy's is futile so I can't really clean my hands until I get home, and I have learned to avoid the Burger King bathroom.


I've also had similiar craps at home where I've had to go to work on the toilet with the plunger for a bit. Fortunately, it's not often, but when it happens, I'm in there for about a half an hour. And fortunately, only once have I jiggled the handle so much that the toilet overflows.

I really think I should have been born a boy. I'm too disgusting to be a girl and not ugly enough to get away with this. Oh, while I'm at it, when I was younger, I ate so many M&Ms the day after Halloween that when I blow my nose, my snot was blue, green, and red. Gross then, hilarious now.
(DeadCats, Thu 6 May 2004, 4:28, Reply)

A friend of mine sought solace in the booze..
following the death of his father. My mate at the time was in his late teens, and went a bit mental with the drink.

Anyway, the drinking got to the point that he was permanently in his local getting absolutely wasted.

Things got progressively worse until about 3/4 way through one particular all-day session. Picture the scene: my mate stood propping up the bar of a dark northern pub, talking inane bollocks to other harderned piss-heads.
Suddenly he feels the need to expel some gas from the trouser department - which he duly does.
However, this is accompanied by a breakfast, lunch and dinner's worth of follow-through that only alcohol can truly bring....and due to the state of him at the time he was completely unaware of it.

Several hours and many beers later he toddles off home and collapses blind drunk on the bed.
In the cold light of day he finds the tell-tale brown,luke-warm, stinking mess leaking from his undercrackers.
Thinking he did it during the night whilst he was asleep, he thought no more about it, cleaned himself up and merrily went back down the pub for more.

Unfortunately for him, the regulars *had* noticed the previous night.
He was greeted with a round of applause, much piss-taking from both the landlord and regulars.
Also a new decoration was erected in the pub in his honour. This just happened to be a nappy with my mate's name pinned to it hung up above his place of choice at the bar, which remained there for weeks afterwards.

After that little incident he decided it was about time to get help from the AA.
(Felchman, Thu 6 May 2004, 4:09, Reply)

While
in the 5th form at school, I was coming home on the bus while suffering a horrible stomach bug.As the bus got to my mates stop,my bowels just decided it was time to escape as quickly as possible.I grabbed my stuff and ran out to my mate and did the charlie chaplin walk to his place while shitting myself uncontrollably.Got to his place and his mum was really nice and would you believe it washed both my trousers and my now very messy underwear and then got a lift home into the bargain...of course I was then off for a bit while i recovered...

Also when I was about 4 on holiday in spain, there was this mock wooden american fort.My parents would wonder why there was a que of kids paying me a few pesetas to look into one of the fort rooms.Turns out that I had had a shit in their and was charging the kids to have a look..
And thats not even mentioning the time my mum wanted to take home a sponge she had found on the beach while on holiday in Tunisia,I mean how were we to know it was actually camel dung.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Thu 6 May 2004, 3:56, Reply)

Five words: glow in the dark shit
After a solid weekend of drinking nothing but white russians, I felt an unholy rumbling in my gut. We were in a park at the time, and there were no toilets for quite a distance. I found what I thought to be a quiet bush, but it turned out to back onto a footpath in the street. When we were leaving, I saw my turd, glowing blue in the moonlight.

I havent had the constitution to recreate this glorious anomaly as I can barely stand the sight of milk now, let alone drink nothing but for 48 hours. Anyone else that manages to do this, make sure you take a photo and post it - It's hard getting people to believe me that it's actually possible...
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 6 May 2004, 3:56, Reply)

Two stories
1. Years ago, I worked on the tuberculosis floor. I was all kitted out, mask, gown the whole schmear and walked into this guy's room to bring him his meds. I went throught the airlock to see my patient buck naked smearing his shit all over the wall. I screamed, "Trevor, what the hell are you doing?" "Painting a mural, Sister." He was completely delerious with fever.

2. At my mom's 60th birthday shindig, all of my sibs (there's 10 of us) with spouses and kids are there. We're in the fanciest restaurant in my little hometown. Really fancy. Really really fancy.

My excruciatingly unmanageable 2 year old was playing quietly under the table. At this point I didn't care what he did--he was quiet, I knew where he was, he wasn't destroying anything and I could get drunk in peace.

The smell gets stronger and stronger until I catch on and investigate. In rolling around under the table, he has squished this huge turd up his back and out his collar on to his neck and face and then down his leggings into his shoes. He is covered in excrement. There isn't a single handhold on this kid that's not foul.

Husband and I took him in the men's room and tried to clean him. At the end, the bathroom was shitsmeared, all the guests using it had fled and I had a naked crappy toddler wrapped in my angora sweater. (dry clean only. The drycleaners hate me now)

Hubby and I both tipped the maitre d' 20 bucks each, we were so embarrassed.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 6 May 2004, 3:35, Reply)

Standard turds
Apologies if it has been mentioned already, but there are US & European standard turds. I worked in an engineering company and when they test sewer channels for flow characteristics, they use the "Standard" turds, cylindrical weighted objects. The US standard turn is larger than the European. That's a fact.
( winston_theramin, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:47, Reply)

My Whippy
Over 10 years ago now and about a friend, but I'm sure she'll indulge me.

Me & a mate are hitchhiking around France in the summer and we end up near Geneva to see another college friend who lives there. Our flatmate, who is really scared of flying, flies out for the weekend. We end up camping near a lake.

Anyway, we find out that the girl who flew over made herself constipated through her fear of flying. She hadn't had a shit in 3 days by the time we take a pedalo out across a lake. Then the urge hits her, as we are 30 minutes away from the nearest toilet. She has no chance of keeping it in. Our other female friend holds a towel in front of her as she proceeds to produce a real Mr. Whippy, coiled to perfection. It's been a group joke ever since.
( winston_theramin, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:45, Reply)

Three crap stories
First two are about me and cats, last one isn't.

Years ago, when I was at uni me and a couple of the guys I regularly drank with got our student loans through a few weeks apart, so what this meant was we'd all fork out for each other, and we'd end up on week long drinking binges.

After a while on the drink, woke up one afternoon in Tommy's house, really hungover, made myself get up and started making for the toilet, feeling really nasty. Stood on something soft. Yep, cat shit. 5 seconds later I'm puking into my hands, trying to catch it and running for the toilet. So I then have to clean my own puke (which was hangover nasty stuff and vile), but I have to wash shite off my foot, and while I'm cleaning up the puke, this cat shit is smeared onto the floor right next to me.

--

Few years ago I was visiting a girl I knew fromo uni, always fancied a shot at her, so I took the chance years later to go down and visit her for a weekend. SO I get down there, and she's really let herself go, her house is manky, she's not exactly the cleanest, and I instantly regret going. But, I'm making the most of the weekend. So we're out in the back garden, where the grass, of course, isn't cut. Walk into the house and we're play fighting type thing, basically flirting, if I'm going to be there for the weekend I may as well make the most of it. I notice a smell, it's sort of like nasty fart. I assume it's her, and think nothing of it, it gets worse and worse, until I realise I've stood in cat shit out in the garden. It had the consistancy of meat paste, and it was vile. So there's me retching, putting my trainers into a plastic bag and tying it up. Mood ruined for the weekend, worst weekend ever! The trainers sat outside my back door for ages, till they dried, then I scraped em off, then put em in the washing machine. They are pristene clean now, but I still won't wear em.

--

This next one I can't vouch for being true or not.

Guy I used to work with, rugby player. Tells me about when some of his friends are down at the borders for a game. They go out on the friday night and get plastered, and the house they are staying it (I think they had it to themselves) is at the bottom of a grassy hill. So on the way home they fall/roll down this hill. One of them gets to the bottom, and decides he's fine where he is, and falls asleep. Wakes up shivering in the morning, about 9 or 10. He's shat himself. After an initial panic he realises that his mates won't be up yet. He's got an hour or so before they said they'd get up. So he goes into the house, and sneaks upstairs to the bathroom. Spends half an hour quietly cleaning up. His pants are useless. He hides them in the bog brush holder and uses the sink to try and clean up. After a while he's gotten it off himself, but the sink is a shitty mess. So he creeps out of the bathroom. Downstairs he goes, and he hears the TV on in the living room, pokes his head round the door, and looks straight in the face of an equally surprised man. It's at this point he realises this isn't the right house. Says sorry and leaves.

Is it true? I dunno!

(Um, excuse the length.)
( Halk, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:39, Reply)

A illness poo
Usually common decency dictates that if one has to take a shit, they'll hold it in until the proper facilities are available.

There are, however, exceptions to this rule.

Once I was as sick as I think I ever have been, and I was laid out on my Aunt's couch. It began by sneezing on myself, which I solved by wiping my nose on my shirt. For the second round, I threw up on myself, managing to get most of the vomit into a bucket. Though my shirt was stained and smelly, I was far too weak and sick to really care or do anything about it.

After laying in my own vomit for a while, I began to realize that I was going to have to take a shit. Well, having not done anything about trying to conceal my other bodily functions, I sure as hell wasn't going to make the effort to get off of the couch and hobble my way to a bathroom, so I promptly shit on myself.

I continued to lay on the couch, covered in vomit and poo (and the urine that is generally associated with poo) until my Aunt walked in, and mustering all of my strength, I gave her the best puppy dog face that I could muster.

You know, the kind of face that says "I'm sick and covered in shit and vomit and piss, could you lend me one of your towels?"

Needless to say, the couch was sold soon after the fact.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:12, Reply)

When i was about 2....
i wore diapers of course. one day while alone in my room after a nap, i decided it would be a good idea to reach into my diaper and finger-paint my white bedroom door with the poopy contents. 16 years later my mom still occaisionally makes fun of me for it. I'm still an artist to this day, but my art is no longer that smelly!
(bonaroo, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:10, Reply)

bluemouths
when I was about 7 or 8, you used to get sweets from our corner shop called bluemouths. They made your tongue blue. They also made your shite go bright green, as I once found out after eating a large bag of them.
(s. shoe, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:03, Reply)

multi-meal turds
I'm sorry but how do you shit your stomach out? I can understand almost everything else, but that is a little hard to (ahem) 'swallow'.

my story: we were out skateboarding in the middle of an industrial estate, and I got the instant cramps, no chance of making it anywhere, so I dropped one on the baking concrete (it was summer) round the corner (I wiped with a sock, don't worry)... the great part was the 3 meals that comprised it: lightbrown and chock full of nuts at the front (breakfast cereal); Darker middle with some chunks of green (burger with lettuce) and very dark ending (steak and mushroom). Perfectly clear and distinct divisions between each meal.
(poolpartymcguyver, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:01, Reply)

Another academic poo story
While a mate was at Imperial College many years ago he was in the Union Bar and in strides the College Loony. "If I crap in my pint of Lager and then drink it, who's going to buy me another pint?" Many hands go up, so Loony buys himself a pint, gulps a third of it to make room and then heads for the basher. A couple of minutes later he returns proudly brandishing his glass with promised floater standing therein. A few seconds later the deed is done, and those that haven't run to the basher clutching their stomachs and/or mouths are buying the drinks as honour demands. As a grand finale / encore Loony eats the turd before starting on the free lager. It was of course a mars bar but I'd defy anyone to tell the difference after a couple of minutes immersion in watery college beer.
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 2:01, Reply)

Bright Colorful Poo
During a particularly nasty heat wave, my roomie and I stocked up on popsicles from the local discount store. After eating an entire box my roomate was happy to share the evidence of his purple poo. He spent the rest of the month figuring out how to do different colors and would often leave the end results for me or my bf to find. Nothing like waking up to toilet full of teal shit.
(La Chockita, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:58, Reply)

At school...
...Someone hollowed out a loaf of bread by cutting a slot along it's length, and then crapped in it, put it back in it's bag and put it back on the shelf. Unsuspecting school boy unwraps said loaf and starts to cut it. As he does so the slot opens and closes as the knife goes back and forth...
eeeuuuggghh...

Does anyone have a copy of the Cheech & Chong sketch about being a dog that they can post to this thread, it is highly appropriate, and gross too.
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:51, Reply)

Food colouring
There's a new blue coloured Fanta here in Germany. I drank 3 pints of it.

I then shat flourescent green turds.
(el pedro, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:48, Reply)

Further poo stories, non-academic
1. Dog poo.
Mates alsation liked chewing coins, especially he liked big coins like old 10p & 50p bits which he caught in his mouth, tossed up in the air, then caught in his mouth and chewed again, repeat ad nauseam. Inevitably the day comes when mate is on holiday and his parents are dog-sitting, and he swallows a 10p piece. The Vet says not to worry, he'll be a bit uncomfortable when it comes out but it won't do any damage. They hit on the idea of using his dad's Diy metal detector (for finding wires etc buried in walls) to follow the coin through the dog. They used to scan him before and after each walk. On the 4th evening he scanned clear after the walk so his mum went and scanned the dog-egg (land mine) that he'd just made and sure enough there it was. On subsequent walks she observed that as the egg bio-degraded the coin became more and more visible, then one evening the coin just disappeared, was it you?
(Marshalswick, St-Albans, about 10 years ago.)
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:45, Reply)

Academic Poo Story
A very good friend of mine who is a senior academic and old enough to know better used to have to make a regular return trip up the M40. This trip usually took about 45 mins each way so he wasn't unduly concerned one friday evening to realise about five minutes after leaving on return trip northwards that he should probably have spent a little time on the croucher before leaving.
Cue huge Traffic Jam on the M40. Some two and a half hours later he is in some serious discomfort and the traffic hasn't moved for about an hour. If only he could get to the next junction he could get in to that bog in the layby on the A40 a little south of Oxford. At last the traffic starts to move and only a few minutes later he is pulling into said layby. He had already undone his trousers to relieve the pressure and as it was late at night and dark he was starting to drop them as he made it through the door to save a few precious seconds. Some twat had nicked or broken all the light bulbs so in pitch darkness he makes his way to one of the traps as carefully as one who has the turtles head and shoulders ever can. At last! He falls onto the bog and simultaneously relaxes his tired sphincter only to discover that the bog seat was down, and that who ever had done for the bulbs had also had it away with the arsewipe...
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 1:33, Reply)