Came home very drunk one night
somewhat desperate. I could feel movement throughout my bowels and was getting more and more worried as I got nearer the house.

Managed to get to the bathroom, but just as I was sitting down a small explosion took place. Not sure what really happened, but it was everywhere - at least 4 feet up the walls. I think it must have ricocheted off the angled lid.

I spent nearly an hour on my hands and knees extremely drunkenly trying to clean and disinfect the bathroom so my sleeping g/f wouldn't find out.
( chthonic, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:48, Reply)

Staying at a guest house in Bournemouth
I did a terrifically beery shit when we got back from a club. I flushed, but It was still stuck to the sides of the bog and was a sight to behold. I thought it would be amusing to show my mate, but it was three in the morning. Anyhoo, I went and knocked on his door, and he opened it bleary eyed. It was then that I found out I was so drunk I couldn't actually speak properly and he didn't understand what I wanted him to do by my gestures, so he shut the door in my face.
That's when I noticed that my door had shut and locked and I was in just my pants on a landing in a guest house in bournemouth.
No problem, tho, I went to another mate staying in another room and knocked on his door. Half asleep he said "Come in", so I did and slept on his floor. Thing is, he'd forgotten that he'd pulled that night, so I got the sight of some decent breasts that night too. In the morning I made him go down and get a spare key for my room.
(Woppa, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:47, Reply)

A few years ago...
...when I was at school, we went on a trip to Italy. Someone did a shit in the sink, and when the teacher asked if it looked human, my mate replied "no sir, it looks like a shit"
(Sabertoothed_monkey, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:43, Reply)

Shitting in the woods
I was out in some woods near Kinver (Wolverhampton) camping when I had to go for a shit.
It was pouring down with rain but the turtle was seriously starting to pop his little head out so I ventured forth into the rain to find a likely spot...
After a short while of searching the best I could find was a small tree on the side of a wooded hill so I dropped my pants, grabbed hold of said tree and leant back to do the business.
When I'd just about finished, the tree decided to uproot sending me flailing backwards.
Only my quick reactions prevented me from falling into my own turds as I put my hands out behind on either side of me, and straight into some nettles...
So there I was, in pain, naked from the waist down, getting rained on and at a head downward 45 degree angle on this hill perched above a steaming pile of turds.
I did manage to escape that sticky situation by rolling off sideways (into more nettles) eventually though.
A learning experience for sure.
( Canker, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:42, Reply)

About 4 years ago, I went to
the cinema, after a 3 day binge of booze, fags, mushrooms and hashcakes and went to see the biggest pile of shit, Talented Mr Ripley, and anyway; I hate the way when you buy nachos and the just stick about 3 limp jalapenos on your tray. So I lay'd into this spotty oik serving up the snacks and said that I demand as many Jalepenos as he could spare. I mean I really laid into him. Took the opiss. Anyway, when he turned around clutching the tray, I shit you not, there were more peppers than nachos. There was about 4 jars worth. So I had to eat them. You know pride and that. Anyway, having got through the peppers I wasnt really hungry so ditched the tray. All was fine until I got home, alone as I live, Late at night and went for a po.
HOLY CRAP. I shat SO much blood that I nearly fainted. I mean liquid. Blood. No stool at all. I thought I was going to die to I grabbed a towel and drove to casualty. They looked at my ring laughed and gave me a course of pills.

I still have roids to this day.
( theWooinator, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:38, Reply)

I thought I was dying...
I'm not a person that eats a lot of spicy food. But, one day I went to this Surinamese resaurant and had some chicken with potato's and strange vegetables. The food was very spicy and the chicken wasn't cooked long enough. That night I woke up around 2 AM and had to shite like hell. So I took a dump and went back to bed, but less than five minutes later I just had to go again and again and again and again etc. etc. (While my bowels were hurting more and more by every time a teeny bit of poo got out.) After one hour on the toilet I rushed to get a book for a little distraction. The pain just got more and more intense and after another hour of agony I just couldn't read my book anymore and started hurting myself in other places to stop feeling the pain in my bowels.

Finally around 5:30 AM the piece of crap made out of spices and raw chicken got out and the pain was finally gone.

I have seen all 30 feet of bowel content go by in about 3 1/2 hours. I've broken my arm once, but this was much much worse.

You guess where I'll never eat again...
( RarelyEvil, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:28, Reply)

A bit of culture
Does anyone here remeber Inter-Rail cards? In 1981 or so, they cost about £120 and gave you free unlimited rail travel throughout Europe. I loved them and being a loner, used to travel about staying in youth hostels and having fun.

One time I'd been travelling in Germany, Heidelburg etc, living cheaply and eating mainly bread and tinned tuna. German bread is wonderful stuff. A loaf weighs about 10lbs is very dark brown, keeps for ages and tastes good too. The only problem being that as it is 98% roughage, it moves very slowly through the system. In fact I went about 4 days without a crap.

Next stop was Venice (ah, Venice), where I stayed at the youth hostel and eat their wonderful cheap food. Loads of pasta cooked with loads of olive oil - you can guess what's coming.

In the morning, we were kicked out after breakfast and I headed for the Peggy Guggenheim museum - home to many fine works of modern art. I got there to find that it didn't open until 11am, so sat down and rolled a cig. As soon as I took a drag, I felt the clash of the cultures: Italian oil had met German bread and told it to move along. I looked at my watch, 10am one hour to go...

...at 11 O'clock, I was first through the door and headed straight for the bog. It was the most wonderful shit of my life. 10 pounds of German rye bread came out like the QE2 being launched. I practically floated off the bog with the lifting of the weight. Savouring the moment I rolled myself a fresh ciggie for when I got out. At that point I heard a voice from outside say in an American accent: "I don't know, I saw a young man go in a while ago"

Feeling euphoric, I took my time, had a wash, stuck my roly behind my ear and emerged smiling broadly to an audience of geriactic yanks.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:27, Reply)

Happened to someone I know...
A guy I know was a regular Glastonbury attendee back in the days when the toilets were a deep trench with planks of wood over the top. He fell in, and the resulting quagmire of shit has left him with post-traumatic stress disorder, which still gives him flashbacks.
( Mullet Over, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:24, Reply)

I once had a shit in a sandwich bag
and threw it at a bus
( .spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Thu 6 May 2004, 10:23, Reply)

not me... but an ex colleague
after a particularly heavy night on the sauce, a friend of mine went home and fancied some cheese.
He had been "browning off" all night so decided to take a shat before getting his cheese.

Anyway, after his shat he proceeded to the kitchen (leaving all the lights off so he didn't wake his sleeping girlfriend) and found cheese to munch on.

The next morning he was awoke by his girlfriend giving him what for - apparently she opened the fridge in the morning to find the cheese covered in shat.
(Halfcircle, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:23, Reply)

During my School years ...
... I was good mates with a lad down the road. Good enough mates to walk into his house and simply shout "Hello!" ... Well one day on my way into town to see the rest of my mates I called in to see if he wanted to come with.

Walking in and shouting, no one answered. The house was empty and they had left the door open. Needing a shit, I promptly took one in their toilet, wiped my arse, didnt flush the toilet and walked out.

He didnt appresiate the pressent ...
(FortyFour, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:17, Reply)

Dropping one in a lake
I was on holiday last year in the US, and was swimming in one of the Great Lakes when I urgently needed to drop one. I had three options:

1 - get out of the water and run the half mile or so to the toilet block

2 - make like a cat and dig a hole in the sand dunes (the beach was pretty quiet!)

3 - drop my shorts in the water and let rip there and then

I chose option 3. Interestingly, because of the buoyancy afforded by the water, the turd (which was impressively long!) didn't snap under its own weight as it would do under normal circumstances. Instead it emerged intact and tumbled slowly and gracefully to the lake floor in a manner akin to an astronaut in orbit.

I had to make sure I didn't catch it in my shorts though!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:07, Reply)

Hulk
I went on holiday to Greece once with some mates and drank a lot of Blue Curico, or something like that, which began to turn my shit green. I didn't say anything though, because I figured it was just me. Luckily, it turned out that everyone was, as my friend put it, getting a visit from the Hulk Craps.
(what_bus, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:04, Reply)

ouch
A friend works in a hospital - they had a patient in intensive care, who has been constipated for nearly 6 weeks. He was so backed up, he was thorwing up liquid shit. They had tried everything - laxatives, manual evacuation (nurse sticking finger up arse and poking around to try and loosen it) - in the end, they had to operate to remove the turd.
(cheesepump, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:03, Reply)

Sicking up shit?!
My dogs have always had a penchant for nasty stuff but the worst was when one of them went off into the land round our house, ate a large human turd (left by a builder working on our house) and then carefully puked it up in the kitchen. Not a good move. Poo is bad (especially when it someone else's) mix it with sick and it's indescribable........
(Hazy, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:59, Reply)

Years ago my brother ....
...and I were hanging around in the garden of a house that my parents had just bought and needed doing up, therefore there was no bathroom. My brother was absolutely bursting for a poo so he did it behind some trees in the garden. Later on we heard my father yelling frantically - he'd been mooching around in the garden and had come across the gargantuan turd my brother had produced...... "My god, look at this!!!" he cried, "What kind of enormous animal could have done something as DISGUSTING as this!??!" as he looked nervously around. It didn't cross his mind that it could have been human. We didn't tell him the truth for years! What is funny is that he was so shocked at the size of the turd and what monster could have produced it that when we brought it up he remembered!! :o)
(Hazy, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:57, Reply)

dogs : hands
Once my dog, being the wise creature that he was, managed to eat a glove that had been lying on the floor somewhere. Days passed and nothing happened. Sometimelater he waddled outside to take his morning crap, to find first one finger, then two, three fingers of this glove popping out of his ass. The sight of a hand sticking out my dogs arse scared both the family, and the dog wasnt too happy about it either.
Its safe to say he didnt do it again...
(elephant, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:57, Reply)

Not me this time..
This happened to my best mate's brother. We lived in Finchley in north London, and at the time, he was a student at Goldsmith's college, living in New Cross in south east London.

He'd been home for Sunday lunch and had spent a pleasant afternoon, but wanted to get back that night. He set off for the Tube fairly late, but with enough time to make the connection to British Rail for the last bit of the journey.

As soon as he got on the Tube he realised that he needed a shit, and it was going to be a good 'un. The journey continued, he let out the odd fart to ease the pressure, but it continued to mount. Now, when he got to Victoria he realised there wasn't time to find a bog AND get the last train to New Cross, so he heaved in his guts and ran for the train. Things were now getting desperate but he hung on like a hero.

As the train approached New Cross he went over the walk to his shared house in his mind and got out his key in preparation. Then he realised he could visit a friend who lived near the station and use theirs. Running the whole way through the deserted streets he made it in 3 minutes flat and leant on the bell while banging on the door. As soon as he saw a shadow approaching in the hall, he undid his trousers, the door opened, he pushed past and ran to the bog pulling his pants down as he turned and let fly with a massive crap...

...unfortunately, he missed the toilet.

Sorry for length.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:56, Reply)

When I was a kid
Myself and my little brother were playing in the playground one day, he was on the swing and I was on the top of the really high climbing frame (probably about 6 foot of the ground but seemed like at least 50ft!).. My brother had this younger friend called Paul. Paul was about 5 and a bit special! He had this special silly idiot boy laugh (the horror of which will never leave me)! My brother was very evil when he was a bairn and used to torture this Paul a lot. Anyway, this one day Paul had his little fishing net with him for catching sticklebacks. For reasons known only to Paul he had a massive dog turd in the net.
Interesting I thought - I'll just stay up here out of reach! My brother started talking to Paul and it suddenly became a game of Paul trying to get us with this dog turd in a net. Poking it through the holes in the climbing frame and laughing his insane special little laugh I can still remember the crazed look in his eyes (sends shivers down my spine).
After about ten minutes of failing to get us my brother shouts "put the net over your head Paul!". Sounding like a great idea we both shouted this over and over while Paul laughed and laughed and laughed. Being a good boy Paul put the net over his head and pulled it down over his face!!!!
There was shit all over his head - in his hair and on his face, you could smell it and I was gagging! Paul was still laughing!
Then my brother reached new realms of sickness and shouted "eat some Paul". Surely the sick kid wouldnt do that i thought?! How wrong was I!!!!! Almost in slow motion Paul pulled a big dark brown nugget out of his hair and plopped it in his mouth! I ran home screaming!


I later found out that my brother had persuaded Paul not tell his mum that we were involved - bribing him with all the orcs from his Space Crusade set, and the frigging dreadnought!!! Paul was grounded and had all fishing net access restricted!
(Apologies for the length - one of my earliest sickest memories! I don't know where Paul is but I really hope he doesn't work in the food industry!)
(Manatee Fondler, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:50, Reply)

Larks eh?
Drunken incident in nasty place known as 'Halls'. Matey had crapped in his bin, but had had the decency to tie up the bag. Later, after beer and local speciality snakebite (Special Brew, old-strength K, and blackcurrant) Matey started chasing folks around with replica firearms stolen from the Eagle PH, Snaresbrook. Someone had to hit Matey back, with nearest weapon to hand- tied up bag in bin, which promptly split.
Shit everywhere!
You probably know who you are...
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Thu 6 May 2004, 9:48, Reply)

Best first
My worst still makes me shiver as I think of it.

I was on a Greek island-hopping holiday many years ago. For those of you that haven't been to Greece, they have a poor sewerage system, so have a dustbin by the squat bogs for used bog roll.

Anyway, I was on a ferry between Naxos and Paros when I felt an almighty twinge in my gut telling me that I'd picked up a grecian tummy bug. The boat was pitching about but it was a nice day so I wasn't too worried. I got to the toilets and recoiled - the whole of the squat area was covered in shit, by this time I was burting so held my breath, pulled down my shorts and pants and, while trying not fall over due to the rolling boat, I added to the mess and stink with load of watery diarrhoea.

About to pass out due to lack of oxygen, I looked around for the bog roll...there wasn't any. My arse was covered with runny shite and I HAD to wipe. Yes, you've guessed it. I had to open the dustbin of used bog roll, and select the least shitty bits of second hand bog roll to wipe my arse.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:41, Reply)

Glasto Poocident
Not me but one of the chaps I went to Glastonbury Festival with last year.

Anyway all the lads walking throught the market area one evening and a blazing saddles fart battle ensued. Parp , Parp , Parp, Parp Bugger I followed through.

Ah glasto pooh stories the stuff of fireside stories.
(bblac didnt get the new job booo rotten bastards, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:27, Reply)

The international language of poo
I love poo stories. You know you've reached a special place when you can talk to a friend about shit.

My first story is one I trawl out, just as a sort of taster, because it involves animals not humans. Have you ever heard that labradors will eat anything - well mine was no exception. During a walk in the school playground he gobbled up a discarded sandwich some thoughtful childlet had left behind - glad wrap (clingfilm) and all. Assuming that it would pass eventually, the dog underwent some scrutiny during the following days, which was when we noticed a funny 'fluttering' sound when the dog was breathing (imagine sticking a bit of paper to a fan and turning it on and off repeatedly). It genuinely took at least 4 weeks to finally inhale/swallow the damn thing (far be it for my cheap old man to take him to the vet). Eventually the clingfilm reappeared - however most of it was still in one piece. Imagine a dog running around the garden with a long pooey bit of plastic flapping out of it's arse - now imagine my mum chasing him around the garden, wearing her marigolds and waving a pair of tongs!!!

Story two will be much briefer, staring with just one word: Turkey. Took a month to recover from the most explosive runs of my life, which is nothing special, except I did sit (for some time) in wonderment at the rediscovery of Nappy Wipes at 27.
(aprincess, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:15, Reply)

Poo Competition
My Friend Tom and I always used to discuss our shits. He used to be very proud of spending half an hour 'crimping one off'.

We then had a competition to see who could have the most plops in a day. It started off well enough, with about 3 or 4 each on the first day. Then tactics came into play. We both rushed off to the local curry house for vindaloos. Day 2 brought us up to about 7 and 5 poos each. Then I did something very silly.

I chose to cheat. Off I wen to Boots the Chemist and bout £10 worth of Ex-lax chocolate bars. And ate them all. Don't do this at home kids - it is not funny. On the plus side I was pooing 20 to 30 times a day, and won the competition. On the negative side, I spent most of the next 2 days on the toilet, getting more and more dehydrated, or walking carefully around my flat, with underpant stuffed with toilet paper incase of any further anal seepage.

I couldn't fart or laugh or cough without a couple of spoons of hot wet poo in my pants. Just say no to ex-lax kids.
( Geej, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:15, Reply)

I have to add this as well
I have just rememembered another tale of poo.

I was told this by an old associate and I believe him.

While at university whenever they moved into a new house they would always play a game called "hide the turd". This meant each new housemate would plop out a log and conceal it somewhere and the challenge would be to find it.

They all hid their turds. The first two were found quite quickly. The third one took about 4 days, it was concealed at the bottom of a cowboy boot only to be discovered when a foot was placed in it. Imagine squishy poop inbetween your toes.

But what about the fourth poo? Weeks went past. No sign of the poo yet. Until one day some students came over to the house. They were a bit peckish, propably had the munchies so they decided to chow down on some nice white rubber bread. They dug deep into the margarine which was a massive family size tub and running low.

What did they find in there?

Concealed in the bottom was the 4th poo. It had been hidden under the marge all this time.
(booionic, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:14, Reply)

many years ago
when i was younger, the icelolly of choice was the Walls Big Feast (and they were larger then).
Now, in accordance with the rules of eating the lolly was to eat the crisp outer shell first, then the chocolate ice cream leaving you with the solid fake choclate center, have followed these rules a friend decide that a nearby chocolate coloured dog turd was exactly the right colour and consistancy if the ice cream, so having dipped the chocolate center in the turd, he decided that he didn't want it any more, when, we'll call him johnny, because thats his name, came round the corner and was open to the offer of free ices cream. needless to say, we were the nasty older kids, so when it transpired that he's just put dog shit in his mouth we got away harm free.

on another note, my sister works at the royal free, quite a few years ago i got invited to a party in hampstead, thinking about all the nurses there i managed to wangle it for a mate to come along. not having any luck with the nurses me and said mate decided to take the piss out of people, one guy inparticular looked like rolf harris, for which we ripped the piss out of him, but i digress, whilst this was going on we were knocking back a few beers and snacking on pitta bread and hummus (could have been hummus, could have been a bowl of vomit, but it was nice). anyway, the next day as we were taking the tube home, somewhere on the northern line (finchley i think) i let out the most silent and deadly fart i have ever done, no really, it brought tears to my friends eyes and managed to clear the entire carriage at the next station. sorry to those people who were on that train one sunday about 8 years ago.
( Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:11, Reply)

mate of mine
ate nothing but beetroot and sweetcorn fro a week in order to create purple poo with yellow polka dots.

My eldest son and his mum were staying at her Dads when he was about 1. Early one morning, she found him behind the sofa eating his own shit. She got it off him, and ran upstairs, woke her Dad up in a panic saying "Chris has just eaten poo". He asked if it was his own. When answered in the affirmative, said "oh thats all right then" and went back to sleep.

I went to see a design client in his home one time. The meeting took quite a long time, and eventually I was desperate for a crap. He was also in a major hurry to get to an important meeting. I went and let loose an absolute monster in his bog. It was evil, I tell you. Thing is, his bog already had been weed in by his kids, so I'd flushed it before using it, not wanting piss splashing on my arse. Other thing is it took about a month to fill up again. I was waiting for it, and he was outside the door in a total flap. He asked me to leave it there...pillock
(teasus likes tea, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:06, Reply)

Bit long I am afraid, but it’s always made me laff.
Somehow some friends and I had managed to get invited to a vague acquaintance's house warming party. Having been viewed with suspicion for the evening, being virtual strangers to everyone else at the party, things were not exactly going swimmingly. Anyway, all of a sudden one of my mates runs into the front room and announces that its time we were going. Presuming that he was as bored as the rest of us, we followed. It was only on the walk home that the truth came out. My mate had gone to the newly decorated bathroom for a peaceful shit. About half way through someone had knocked on the door. As he got up and flushed he realised that the turd he had produced was massive and particularly buoyant. After a couple more flushes and more frantic knocking at the door he decided more drastic action was required. Spotting a loo brush he decided it would be a good idea to push the offending turd down the u-bend with it. After a good rummage he looked down to find that, success, the beast had gone. But then, to his horror he realised it had not flushed, but was stuck to the loo brush. Not to worry, one flick of the wrist would send it back into the bowl. Unfortunately, the faeces were removed on the backstroke of the flick and were splashed across the wall. Now with mad door rattling and knocking coming from outside, my mate set about ‘removing the evidence.’ Unluckily there was only a brand new set of white towels to do it with. After another ten minutes smearing excreta around the walls, in the sink and around the toilet bowl he decided to give up. Opening the door to a desperate looking girl he announced in a moment of bizarre excuse making, “there were some scallys in here but I chased them off.” This was the moment he came running into the front room. He has never lived it down.
( shambla www.gagaprinthouse.com, Thu 6 May 2004, 9:02, Reply)

My dad's dog
was a bit mad, bless him. He once ate a large tub of Stork margarine. (including the plastic tub)

Trust me, even in your darkest thoughts, you cannot imagine how nasty the aftermath was.
( bowdie, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:59, Reply)

more poo
oh, and
a) eating treacle toffee nearly always gives me "blue poo"
b) ex girlfriend in bed, who tried to sneak out a sly fart whilst i was in a drunked coma, only to shit the bed
c) another ex girlfriend who went into a pub toilet after one too many shandies, only to have a crap, then discover there was no paper to wipe her botty with, so she did the only reasonable thing, ripped down the toilets net curtain and used that
(jim_bar, Thu 6 May 2004, 8:58, Reply)