Ants in pants
When I was 12 me, my parents and my aunt went on holiday to the south of France. Driving down, we stopped to eat some brekkie at a rest-stop in the middle of no-where. I needed a dump, and as there were no loos I went into the trees and squatted down. I did notice that the earth was rather damp and there were lots of flies and stuff, but what the hell. Crimped one off, wiped, pulled shorts back up.
Then spent the next several hundred miles trying to pull out all the insects (without my aunt noticing) that had crawled into my pants.
(bowser, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:21, Reply)

i remember crying over this
When i was about 13 we were playing on a building site and i had left my very trendy Kappa coat hanging up in one of the builders sheds. At the end of the day i collected my coat and wandered off home vaugely aware of a shitty smell in the air, however, coming from Northampton this was not that unusual. It was not until i started searching for my fags that i ralised one of my so called friends had left his rotten chocolate log in my pocket and wiped his arse with the inside of my sleave.
(lordfredatron lordfredatron, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:20, Reply)

Fart Poo
...and then there's my mate Rich who shits four times a day (2 before breakfast), and farts like a trooper.

He has a habit of not kowing the difference between a fart and a follow through. He has consequently shat himself on a few occasions.
(norbertpanhandle, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:19, Reply)

Shite/Puke
2 years ago my mate was out for a birthday drink or 2. After a few he nipped in the bog to have a dump. About 20 minutes later we got a bit concerned so went to look for him. We had to knock in the door as he wasn't responding and we found him unconscious sitting on the toilet with his pants and trousers round his ankles still but which were now FULL of tequilla, lager and curry puke.
He came round OK but as he couldn't go home like that we had to borrow a pair of trousers from the owner who is an overweight OAP. We got him home OK and he awoke next day to his (only recent) girlfriend asking what the hell he was doing in bed with over-sized compo like trousers on tied up with string - which he couldn't answer as he had forgotten. When she went to the kitchen she found a plastic bag which she opened to see what was going on and unearthed some barf crusted boxers and jeans.
(klondyker, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:14, Reply)

Jacque Poosteau
I was on holiday in Yugoslavia some years back, Interailing with a couple of mates. We all went for a dip in the Adriatic and I mentioned that I needed a poo. Michael dared me to shit it there, so I pulled off my shorts and started pushing. Treading water and trying to shit isn't easy I can tell you, but after a while the turd was half way out. However for all my pushing I couldn't dislodge it from my arse so I started doing these forward rolls in the water. My mate reckoned I looked like some bizarre variation of a Catherine Wheel, rotating with this turd dangling out of my arse crack. When it eventually dislodged it flopped onto my back and I had to do a few rapid dives to get it off.

On another occasion I was on a geography field trip in Snowdonia and my mate went off with the trowel and bog roll to a tom-tit. After about five minutes he comes back and says we've all got to come and look, so we all trudge over to his poo-hole and look inside. He'd managed to do this perfect walnut whip poo, like a Mr Whippy 99, complete with little whispy bit on the top. Finest turd I've ever seen.
(RepoMonkey, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:12, Reply)

I was taking a shower
And I ripped the loudest, nastiest smelling, wet fart... When I looked down at the drain, there was about a 6 inch log of a shit sliding down the tub into the drain. I turned the shower head on massage (Really fast water shoot) and shot the shit out of the shit.. It went down the drain. I finished my shower, got like 15 vanilla candles and sprayed Lysol OUST for about a minute just to kill the smell.

EDIT: Another one - Reading University. Third toilet from the left. Two foot log. Me. Proud.

EDIT 2: Yet another one - During lunch at Reading University, we got these little chocolate milk things that you could open like you would a half gallon of milk. Anyway, my friend got up to get another slice of pizza. When he left, I chugged all of his chocolate milk (I had yellow-brown piss later that day) and put chocolate laxatives in place.
The bastard drank the whole thing.
Shat his pants in the middle of Spanish Class. Spanish teacher said "FUCK! GET OUT OF SCHOOL AND GET SOME SHORTS ON AND NEW UNDERPANTS!" He did say fuck, although I doubt he realized it.


I was thinking cambridge university. I hear a lot about it. I go to Reading university (Not in Europe.)
(I am an Oddity, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:06, Reply)

Shiney money
A barman said something about choking on money when I was drunk so I swallowed a fifty pence piece (old slightly bigger ones) to prove him wrong. No-one actually saw me and wouldn't believe I hadn't just hidden it. I forgot about it myself until about 2 weeks later sitting reading the loobrary mags I heard an almighty "ting" in the toilet. On examination spotted the 50p. Upon retrieval and clean it was the most shiney piece of the queens mint you can imagine. I then took it back to the original pub and paid it over the bar to the barman who had not believed I had swallowed it anyway so got some satisfaction from the (w)hole pointless affair.
(klondyker, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:03, Reply)

As I sit crying with laughter...
....you really can't beat a good poo story....I have an indelible mental image of my colleague R******, on a skiing holiday, after two days of tequila and beer, with little or no food - feeling the birth pangs turn into the two second warning, he lagged behind the group and stopped, dropped his ski-pants and released.

Without removing his skis first. We had paused for him to catch up, unaware of why he had stopped, as he appeared over a small ridge, scuds round his ankles, bereft of ski poles, still crouching, leaving a thin brown trickle behind. I have never seen anyone look so horrified with embarrasment. He was quite proud of it later, though.
( godstar, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:01, Reply)

Still-born foal
I once stopped off for supplies at Tesco Superstore in Luton whilst on a long car journey with my girlfriend and sister.

They went to use the ladies, and both came out white faced but laughing. Apparently one of the cubicles was blocked with the largest single stool either of them had ever seen. A single shite as thick as a babies arm, round the u-bend at one end and nearly up to the rim at the other. This is in the *ladies* loo, remember.

So we went to customer services and told the harrassed lady behind the counter who told us that this was the fourth or fifth complaint she'd received in the last hour and she'd been trying to flush it away for ages.

"There's only one thing for it" she said, and pulled on some blue rubber gloves. We watched in amazement as she picked a knife and fork out of the canteen cutlery trolley and went to slice it into flushable chunks. Ick!

So don't use the cutlery in Luton Tescos!
( Bonce, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:54, Reply)

Not exactly poo.....
...but should have been.

I've got no reaction to hot food, infact I've got completely asbestos inards. So I can eat what I want, raw chillis, vindaloo etc, and have very little ill effect. It doesn't even burn on the way out, until..........

On bank holiday monday the missus and I sat down for a curry and a few pints to watch the Snooker final after a hard day watching the kids cycle around the park. I had a Vindaloo and about 5 pints of Caffreys.
Trouble was, I was completely dehydrated, it having been a somewhat mad weekend, and I'd drank very little other fluid than beer. We go to bed at about 12 and at about 5 in the morning I wake needing a piss.
So I rise sleepily and head towards the toilet. In a half asleep state I begin my urination at the toilet when all of a sudden I'm snapped wide awake by the worst burning sensation I've ever experienced coming from my knob! I was screaming in pain and holding on to the cistern for dear life as I passed what could only be described as Vindaloo piss. Ouch! After several pints of water it seemed to calm down but I was on edge everytime I went for a piss for the rest of the day.

Apologies for the length and complete off topic-ness of the post.
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:53, Reply)

licorice flavored ice cream
In Santa Cruz, CA, Mariannes icecream sells a licorice flavoured ice cream.

just one scoop will make your poo bright green for a whole day. (maybe next st pattys day?)

but red wine sends my poo black too

and it's safer not to get me started on the guiness...
(arkarkark, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:50, Reply)

poo
7 or 8 pints of guinness on st patricks day? a black poo the next morning. terrifying
(Gino Ginelli, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:40, Reply)

On the way to France on the ferry once
And my mate was 'took short' thanks to the choppy sea. He ran into the bogs and five minutes later he appeared with a big smile on his face. "You have GOT to see this" he said as he led us all into the bogs.

Now, my mate swears it wasn't him, but imagine taking a bucket of diarrhea, sticking a blasting cap on the underside hitting the detonate button. The cubicle had shit on the walls, shit on the cistern, shit on the floor, the seat, the bowl, the door - shit everywhere.

Some poor sod had seriously had their back doors kicked in that day.

And to this day I have no idea why I didn't take a picture and submit it to ratemypoo.com.
( TooMuch2AM, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:37, Reply)

pernod
I enjoy a few pernods on a night out so when I saw they had braught out a blacurrant and pernod alcopop I was most pleased. Until I had about 12 in one night. I woke up the next morning with a bad head but the worst was yet to come. It turned my poo a nice greeny blue color. strangely enough they dont sell it any more.............
(lucky8, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:32, Reply)

Oh gosh
just remembered another one. The peril of living in a shared house...

When I used to share a house I'd often cook large amounts of stuff so that I could eat it for the rest of the week.

One Monday I cooked a huge pan of chilli which, if I say so myself, was pretty damn good. So good infact that I ate the whole lot, 4 nights worth, in one sitting before going to bed feeling very fat but happy.

The next morning I awoke desperate for a poo. So desperate that walking down stairs was difficult.

Unfortunately the one bathroom in the house was busy. One of my housemates was in there, in the bath, listening to her radio on headphones.

I knocked. I knocked again. No answer. I bashed on the door - she must have been asleep or something as there was no reply.

So I returned to my room and paced for a bit. Something needed to be done and fast. In fact, things were getting so desperate now that the thought of going down the 6 steps to the bathroom again were just too much for my poor bowels.

So I got the local paper, spread it out on the floor of my room, then released the largest pile of poo I've ever seen in my life onto it in one huge steaming pile. I swear it was a greater volume than the original chilli.

It felt amazing. It smelt somewhat worse.

After about half an hour, my housemate left the bathroom still listening to her headphones and I was able to sneak the large newspaper bundle in and try and fit it into the toilet.

(It took a good 5 minutes of bashing with the toilet brush and 3 or 4 flushes before it finally went. For a while I thought I'd blocked the thing forever and would then have to explain to the landlord why the loo was full of sodden newsprint and poo)
( chthonic, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:30, Reply)

Sleep Pooing
On a ski trip a few years back, I had the top bunk, my mate had the bottom bunk. He has a habit of talking in his sleep after a night on the booze - but what was to come was way beyond sleep talking.

I awoke in the night to what I thought was water leaking in through the window. After several seconds I realised it was coming from below me, and looked over the edge of the bunk to see my mate holding on to the ladder of the bunk bed, squatting down having a piss (!?). As it was dark I asked him what he was pissing into - he said he didn't know. Still half asleep, I thought this was a reasonable answer. Until the smell hit me.

I leaned over the bed again and asked if he was sure he was just having a piss, as I could smell something far dirtier. Sure enough he'd laid a dog egg on the carpet in the middle of the room, and had been pissing all over his phone and radio on the floor beside the bed.

At this point he 'woke up', suddenly aware of his predicament. I turned the light on so we could see his mess, at which point he simply said "Shit!" in disbelief at what he'd done. I of course pissed myself laughing and ran downstairs to get the camera, while he went to the toilet to 'finish off'.

By the time I got back upstairs he was collecting his bum cigar off the floor, luckily it was a nice solid stool and came up without any residue. He gave up alcohol for a month.

Is there anywhere I can post the photo?
(norbertpanhandle, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:27, Reply)

Woof
My old man used to be a copper, he was called out to a burglary once at an old womens house, when he arrived she let him in and an Alsation dog followed, the dog proceded into the living room and sat in front of the fire,
my dad started talking to the old woman, during which the dog took a shit on the carpet, the old woman didnt say a word,
when he went to leave he was just about to get in his car when the woman shouted "Are you not going to take your dog with you?"
( Kris Fucking Kristofferson, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:21, Reply)

Argos car park
I once had a shit in an Argos car park. It was the late-night curry's fault. I wiped my bum with my hanky. Very la-di-da.

Edit: the best poo story ever is here ( www.disappointment.com/randomacts/msnsoiling.htm ) - no.6 Danial's Story.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:19, Reply)

Lift-tastic

Got in the lift this morning on my way to work. Guy had stood on dog shit and the now crowded lift was stinking, girls where holding their noses whilst the blokes were looking around trying to see who'd shit themself.
(JohnBS, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:09, Reply)

Holiday hell fire
I was on holiday in lovely greece and one night when I was sleeping I woke up with a really dodgy stomach so I ran to the toilet and bloody my mate was also in there with a sore stomach. I looked around for a suitable place to go inside the flat, the kitchen sink no good, a pan no good, think man think. Outside to the landing I went and slung my ass end over the side and let the deluge forth, it was a terrible torrent of white hot ass piss all down the side of the building lovely stuff. I looked round and a romantic moonlight stroll was ruined by my terrible ass.
(chossy, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:09, Reply)

two for you...
One from my old student days - one drunken evening a housemate announced he could 'piss out of his arse at will'. A complete biological impossibility but he was having none of it. A betting war commenced. A few minutes later a group of us followed him into the bathroom, where he stood in the bath then proceeded to take the shower head off the little hose you attatch to the bath taps, turn on the water, shove it up his arse, squat and 'pissed water out of his arse'. Much hysterics, but it's not pissing and his bet was lost. However, he repeated it and as anyone who's seen I'm A Celebrity Give Me An Enema will attest, promptly released a little brown escapee into the bath which he then pushed down the plughole with a finger to the sound of people shouting in disbelief. The bath was never used again...fortunately we had another shower room!

Second story is when I was giving a medical friend a helping hand by drinking a 140ml pot of double cream then letting them take blood later on to check for cholesterol levels. That much double cream is about twice as much as the daily recommended intake for a bloke - quite a lot in one go. I went out that night for a few beers and managed to end up going home with a young lady. Next morning I woke up nice and early with the urge for a post-beer cock-a-doodle-poo. Fortunately, her bedroom was next to the loo...not far to go. Unfortunately, having that much concentrated fat in your poo really, really increases the bouyancy of them. This shit would just not go down. Six flushes later and they'd finally been persuaded to go out to sea. When I got back to the room the girl had been woken up by the sound of excessive flushing and was wondering what the hell I'd been doing. Needless to say, I didn't see her again!
(Chuffdog, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:07, Reply)

Another shitty dog experience...
Just remembered a very traumatic bus journey about 10 years ago when I was dog-sitting a shit-zu (apty named dog as it turned out). I lived in Camden and was invited to supper and stay the night at a friend's house in Putney. So I blithely accepted and hopped on the bus with the dog. It was a crowded double-decker at 6 pm on a Friday night and I was right at the front on the top floor cos it's a long ride and wanted to enjoy the view. Just as we were reaching Fulham the dog started getting restless so I put her on the floor where she proceeded to do a large squidy turd. Help, I thought. But it didn't end there........she did 3 more heaps of rottweiler proportions at which point I covered them sections of my unread newspaper, grabbed the dog and fled the scene of the crime. The smell on the bus was overpowering. I jumped off the bus just before Putney bridge and trudged the last couple of miles, but as the traffic was so slow the bus crawled along beside me for most of it with me thinking I was about to be questioned by the irate driver. Actually it was such a traumatic experience that I'd managed to blot it out until now! (The next day I took a taxi back to Camden - I couldn't risk a replay...)
(Hazy, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:02, Reply)

hmmm poo
Where to start.

Well, went to the Bug Jam about 3 years ago, long lines of blue portaloos, apart from one that a bunch of peeps had turned upside down before throwing it on it's side, for their mate to emerge from dyed blue and looking a bit worse for wear.


PS My Ridgeback - Rex likes eating horse shit, just out of interest.
Or, my friend Laurence, years ago returning pissed up from the pub to his mum's place, falling over in the street level of drunk, usual thing, trying to be quiet at about 1.00AM, prodding the key in various places hoping to find the key hole on the back door, eventually got the door open, but no lights were on, so tries to find the switch, goes carefully feeling his way along the wall in case he falls over, or knocks something over, after a few minutes padding around, he finds the light switch, as he switches it on there is the sudden horror of seeing the kitchen walls, worktops and door covered in dog shit hand prints, where he fallen in the street, took him about 2 hours to clean it up.

Me, years back lived in a place called Elmstead Market (Essex coast), one day went for a walk alone a stretch of what I thought was beach, but more like river estury near a place called Clear Point, walking along the "beach", mt right leg suddenly disappeared into the ground to my knee, Mrs Scooby grabbed me and we muttered about how dangerous it was etc and went back home, I took my boots off and slung them in the garage.

Few days later I noticed they were bright blue, which was odd, until I remembered the stretch we were walking on walk next to a static caravan site, and their sceptic tank was obiviously over spilling all the way down the beach - uuurrgh.
(Scooby who?, Thu 6 May 2004, 11:00, Reply)

Dogs......and cats
The stories relate to animals, not humans I'm afraid..

1) Our dog (long deceased) excelled herself on two occasions. My mum used to keep this ancient chip pan in a cupboard in the kitchen, and it normally was full of ageing fat that was used to fry everything. So our dog decided to eat it. About 2 litres of semi-solid fat. Words can't describe what emerged the other end

2) The same dog also decided one day when we were out to eat the contents of the bean bag. Fuck knows how her stomach coped with eating thousands of expanding polystyrene balls, but it gave us all a laugh as she shat out piles of pure white foam the other end

3) Fast forward to the present. My cat, Stimpy, decides that the frayed ends of my girlfriend's jeans look tasty, so she decides to rip off a length, play with it, then eat it. Perhaps the brainless fool mistook it for a mouse.....cue us holding her donw in the sink under a running tap, pulling lengths of shitty string out of her ringpiece. The cat was not pleased by this....
(fried gold, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:54, Reply)

Whilst staying at a B&B
I had to do the business. All was fine until the flush. It was a pretty weak affair and said turd slowly disappeared from the bottom of the pan. Just as the flush finished it swam back against the current and lurked there. Another flush and the same thing happened, it would appear to flush away but just as the flush stopped it would rear its ugly head again. Gave up in the end and left it for the next unlucky guest.
(13 Floors Up, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:52, Reply)

Not me, but my cousin Dave....
Aaaah the joys of public transport.....My cousin was on the train home with some people when he was overcome with the need to use the toilet. Upon arrival, he saw a sign saying that patrons were not allowed to flush large objects. Now, he could tell at this point that he was about to unleash a massive, massive steamer, but what to do? no large objects, it said. In the end, he compromised, and took a huge, long, steaming dump on the rim of the bowl, avoiding the problem. Then, he went on his merry way back to his seat, with a smile on his lips.
(alchohol, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:52, Reply)

Stubborn Radioactive Turd ...
A mate of mine at Uni had something wrong with his throat, which had been giving him greif for ages.

He had been booked into the hospital to get it checked out. He had to drink Barium or something like that so that he could get an X-ray of the contour of his throat.

The next day he took a shit as usual in the toilet, only that his shit was laced with the radioactive substance he drank for the hospital.

Shit shit soon lost its shades of brown and left a gray turd that was welded to the bottom of the toilet pan for about 2 weeks ...
(FortyFour, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:52, Reply)

caught short
I remember being in a local shopping center in aberdeen and getting that "Twinge" in you guts that says run to the nearest toilet, dont ask why, just run!

So off i ran...

Got to the toilet, 2 cubicles.. 1 in use, the other free.. thank got i thought! Went in buckle undone.. then clocked an choked up toilet full of toilet roll. oh hell...

I hung in as long as i could, to see if the guy in the next cubicle was about to leave, he wasn't the get! so i just flush the loo i was in and let go! Hazar...

upon finishing..i went to wipe...3 sheets of paper left..so i had to carefully... and i mean CAREFULLY use them, but it wasn't enough.. then i heard the guy in the next cubicle flush....then wash his hands... upon hearing the main door shut, i opened my cubicle and ran to the next (trousers round ankels) and finished the clean up operation..
(Jamsie, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:51, Reply)

I was 14
and travelling by coach in France on my way to stay with my French exchange student prick and his stupid family. I ate a big bag of red strawberry laces, we stopped at a service station and I did a big solid red shit, like all the laces had fused together in my intestines. I thought initially that I had shat part of my guts out! Seeing red on the toilet paper is never ever funny...
(mr pete, Thu 6 May 2004, 10:51, Reply)