Pre-teen rebellion
At the age on nine, I went to a CoE primary school. You know, the standard happy-clappy, god-bothery place with hymn practice after assembly.

At the age of nine, my mum finally allowed me to walk to the corner shop all by myself to buy sweeties.

One day, I noticed the penny-sweets in the shop: usually they are under the steely stare of the stern Indian lady, but today, she was not looking. "Hmm," I thought, "I can help myself and nobody will be any the wiser". Trembling with anticipation, I pick up a strawberry milk bottle sweet and shove it into my gob.

And then I remember what I learned at school. That stealing is wrong and makes God cry or something. I hurried from the shop and spat out my ill-gotten gain, disgusted with myself.

I have long since given up on God, but to this day, a penny sweet is all that I've stolen. I am so lame.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:56, Reply)

B&Q
B&Q is so easy to steal from. Its now become a personal mission to empty the place every time i go. Factor in the monkeychavs that work the tills (although, inexplicably there is usually one seriously attractive 17 year old girl on one till) and its like, well taking stuff from B&Q. Make sure you choose a till with the shortest possible 'worker'.

There is a design flaw with their POS counters. From the monkey-chav-cashier-hybrid's POV, they cant see the whole of the contents of your trolley, especially if you put it close up to the desk, theres a sort of prism space that they can only see if they lean right over. The shortest person cant even do that. Stack some goodies in that space, and just be a little careful in what you load on to the counter. Take it easy, dont load everything in one go, do it bit by bit and dont rush them. If you get it right, they will total up the till having not noticed the items in the "theft-prism" but by now, you've started to put things back havent you?

Too easy, a bit of practise and you can literally refurbish a small house on about half your original budget. Try for bigger and bigger items each time. You are essentially doing this in plain view - as any SL expert knows, thats how you do it.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:47, Reply)

Is it? / Isn't it?
A few times now, I've been out grocery shopping on the weekend with Mrs & Little clouds. If we're out longer than expected and Littlecloud is getting hungry, Mrscloud thinks nothing of busting open a pack of sandwiches or whatever and feeding our young'un en-route.

She always gives them the empty packet to scan, but is it technically still shoplifting if we never left the shop?

(The grapes she gives her MUST be shoplifting as you pay by weight, but not sure about the rest)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:40, 7 replies)

All a big mis-understanding!
I was about 4 years old, and was with my mum in the Post Office. On the shelf, for reasons I have never really worked out, were some plastic life-size rats for sale. I thought it would be an AMAZING joke to hide one within my duffel coat and then pull it out to surprise my mum with (insert joke here).

Unfortunately John, the man who ran the Post Office, saw me putting the plastic rodent into my coat and sharply yelled at me to "bloody well put that back!". This made me cry some tears.

Real shoplifting occurred a little later, firstly when I was about 11 or 12. I think it was a Twix I nicked, simply to see if I could.

Then, when I got my paper-round when I was 13, I would wait until the shop-owner went out the back, then reach up to the top shelf and grab the nearest porno, then shove it in my paper-bag. I would then look at all the lady parts while on my paper-round, it was great. fun.
(irv made you eat your parents in a chilli on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:39, Reply)

Not really shoplifting....
so much as easter fair lifting.

When I was just starting out at primary school, I had only a vague understanding of tombolas - I watched people buy their tickets and then take a prize. Now I quite fancied the look of the big easter egg on the table in front of the barrel.
I go forth, buy a ticket, and then pick up the easter egg on the table. I didn't win it, I just paid the 10p for the raffle ticket, and walked off with the egg.
The weirdest thing was that nobody stopped me! No consequences, nothing. What an example! :-)

So that was my first stealing experience! 4 years old - my parents must be so proud.
(once_upon_a_time, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:32, Reply)

I "perfected" the art of sweet stealing at school
I had one of those jackets with elastic wrists and abggy sleaves.

What I used to do was pick up 2-3 sweets then put 1-2 back, sliding the last one stealthily up my sleave.

It worked! I used to sell my stolen goods at school and I spent all my ill gotten gains on sweets....... hang on.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:28, 1 reply)

When it all goes wrong.
I was sitting at my desk at work last summer when I looked up and saw a guy I didn’t recognize, drenched in sweat, panting running towards me, closely followed by a wirey little fella in a B&Q shirt…which came as a bit of a surprise.

Sweaty panting guy just reaches the fire escape behind me as he’s rugby tackled by small wirey guy and they both go tumbling through into the car park…I spring into action following them out.

The wee wirey fella has managed to bang his head and is unconscious on the ground. I grab sweaty man and tell him we’re waiting for the Police. He’s getting more and more agitated makes a half hearted attempt to break free, tries to bribe me with his loot – a pair of pliers – and then starts to cry.

Then things start to get a bit weird

4 more B&Q guys arrive – also sweaty and panting, obviously not as fit as the wee wirey fella, who’s sort of woken up and is stumbling around the place looking confused.

The sweaty B&Q guys try and attack the pliers thief. While I’m doing my best to hold them off, pliers thief goes very pale, drops to the ground and has a full on thrashing around epileptic fit. One of the B&Q guys takes the opportunity to sit astride him and repeatedly punch him in the face…I punch the B&Q guy.

It’s really getting out of hand now – a couple of our security guards arrive and join the fray. Pliers thief appears to have stopped breathing, two of the B&Q guys are on the ground restrained buy our security staff. I'm shouting into my mobile that'd it be really good in the Police could get a move on.

Finally the police and ambulance arrive, pliers thief is soon revived and looking very confused now. Neither him or the wee wirey fella have a clue how, why, where they are and happily share an ambulance to the hospital.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:24, 5 replies)

Gallantly Accidental Shoplifting
I have only ever remember stealing something once, and it was completely by accident (this is by the medium of shoplifting; when it comes to software/music I'm much more guilty, as probably are most of us here).

I was in a flu-filled haze in 1994, and was helping my mother with the laundry. My mother required some washing powder, and gave me two whole English pounds with which to purchase the product.

I remember walking to the store.

I remember getting home.

My mother asks for her change in shiny coins.

I hand her two English pounds.

Obviously perplexed, I tried to recall the events of my shopping trip, and then it hit me. I had walked into the store, picked up a box of washing powder directly in front of the cashier, gave a nod and a vocal sounding of 'alright?' to the man, then hazily walked out of the store.

What I don't understand to this day is why the shopkeeper didn't stop me, or say anything.

It was probably because he didn't expect a woozy looking child with a runny nose to have the bawls to walk into his store, shoplift something RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE and greet him at the same time.

Length? up to about 15 washes before it shrunk.
(Lythium deals in lead, my friend., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:23, 1 reply)

Not proud, but not hungry either...
I've never nicked anything big, or pricey, but its remarkably easy to "forget" to pay for something like gum or crisps, or the odd snickers in an offy. 'Specially if you have a long-sleeved jacket on

Also its the easiest thing to half-inch a muffin from Nero and such like.

Probably stems from me being a kid, used to come home with all sorts of crap; little unimportant electrical components, or fuses, tiny bulbs, magnifying glasses, you name it, 99.999% of it utterly useless to a five year old me.

How do you test for kleptomania?
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:21, 1 reply)

When I was 18 I ran a pub with my dad
It was opposite the local magistrate's court so we had all manner of colourful characters in there on a regular basis.

One guy told us how Tesco's had a massive bottle of Bacardi, and how he was desperate to steal it, just to see if he could. Trickier than it sounded as it was a 1.5litre bottle and he was well-known to the shop security as a persistent shoplifter.

Finally he did it - after sneaking round and making sure that no-one could see, he got it up his coat, purchased a packet of peanuts and strolled nonchalantly out the door.

Where the bottle fell out of his coat and smashed into tiny tiny pieces.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:21, Reply)

Geek theft
ScousersPet's recollection of lifting a Space Marine reminded me that I may or may not have pinched a treeman from the same shop years ago (the Bold Street one, so yonks ago). Thursday evenings in there basically consisted of spotty unwashed teenagers pretending to play Warhammer and filling their kecks with as many miniature lead people as possible. A mate walked out in full view with a Bloodbowl compendium once too. I don't think the staff actually gave much of a toss to be honest, the crazy nerds*.

*No offence to GW nerds. Go nerds!
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:18, 1 reply)

Talkinf of self service checkouts...
They were stacking the shelves in the supermarket while I was in there buying food and beer. More specifically, wine-bottle sized Belgian beers.

Rather than clear half the shelf and force the guy who was there to restock it, I picked up a box of 6 from his trolley and took that. Having finished shopping I went to the self-service checkouts, and paid up as normal. The big box had a barcode on it that I swiped through, assuming it was for the full contents.

It wasn't. 6 bottles for the price of one. Result.
(goat thinks you're shit, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:14, 6 replies)

Half-bat.
A post below about light-fingered smackheads reminded me...
A few years back, there were several folk known to friends of friends (I don't directly associate with that sort!) as Half-bats. These were usually described to me by peers as smackheads / alcoholics etc who were so brazen about their shoplifting that they would visit friends homes or the pub taking orders and return with any desired item within 24 hours having pilfered 'X' on request. The standard price obviously being 'half-bat'.

One guy I knew actually got a half-bat to procure him a bouncy-castle inflator when going into (dubious) business. I had visions of a rubber bouncing emporium collapsing on some kiddies while some skank runs down the road with a 'blower' the size of a medium television in his arms.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 16:09, Reply)

Self service checkouts - an invitation, surely?
Went to asda one night after for for a few bits. Found the bonjella, nappies, ladyplugs (I'll tell her about the mooncup eh?!) bread, milk, sweeties etc. and decided to treat myself to a box of stella (you know the type, twenty bottles for a tenner)

I proceeded to the self-serve with my little basket of purchases and box of beer. I had no intention at all of stealing it, scanned it through and it came up with some crap about being 18 (that's ok, I'm 27), the place was quite busy but nobody came over. I scanned through the rest of my stuff, got a tenner cashback and carried on.

I actually went to the kiosk to get some smokes (6 feet away from the till) before I left. It was only when I was crossing the carpark I realised that I'd only paid a total of about £24 for £14ish worth of stuff, £10 worth of beer, and £10 cash. Hmmm....

FREE BEER!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!!
WAHEY!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!

It tasted all the sweeter.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:58, 3 replies)

Not me... my 6 year old!
It had to happen. Junior, for that is his rank and not his name, was caught by Mrs Madone in the local garden centre with a bulging mouth. Yes, he had done the unthinkable and had pilfered a sweet from the pick n mix candy boxes.

Seeing the look of disgust on Mrs Madone's face, I marched him outside the shop, told him if he ever did that again I would knock him into the middle of next week (in my best stern voice - I think only the third time ever that I have tried to be a discipline-er) and that there would be no PS3 for two days as punishment.

He cried. He understands that stealing comes with punishment. He doesn't usually eat sweets, although there are always sweets around - so it really was a moment of folly.

Me... I was so proud. I was 15 before I (accidently due to mushrooms) had the balls to nick anything. Well done Junior!

And yes... I blame the parents!
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:56, 1 reply)

Something I've always wanted to know.
I would imagine that you need to have your wits about you whilst shoplifting, so how the heck do smackheads manage to be so good at it?

I really don't think I'd be any good with a straight head, yet these guys can do it whilst whacked out of their skulls on goofballs.

The only reason I can think for them getting overlooked or unnoticed by security is that the guards aren't paid enough to potentially have a bunch of syringe wielding drugratz ruining their day.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:52, 4 replies)

Mmm...pie!
During the 1991 Inter-rail trip, we turned up in Brussels one night. I don't know if these things still exist in the Low Countries, but at the time there were vending machines on the streets selling hot savoury snacks. They consisted of a polygonal glass case, inside which a multi-layered carousel rotated. This was divided into segments, and in each segment a tasty snack resided.

The idea was, you put your Francs into a slot, waited until the savoury treat of your choice appeared at the front and opened the door. The carousel would stop, and you took out the food.

However, we discovered that by opening the door when the partition was in the middle of the opening, the carousel would stop in a position allowing the procurement of two pieces of food.

Belgian economy - please accept my apologies.

Actually the food was of dubious quality, having sat in a semi-hot state for who knows how long. At one point I got something which had the geometry and external breadcrumbing of a fishcake, but the approximate internal chemistry of a white pudding.

(A white pudding is a Scottish delicacy by the way - oatmeal, onions, lots of grease... A bit like a haggis, but without the offal)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:49, 4 replies)

When I was a lot younger
we used to go out and steal hubcaps off cars. We stole loads and then at the end of the night we'd dump them in the local park and sometime in a small canal. I lost count of the number of times I did that.

When that got boring we moved onto more challenging items like car emblems and anything else that would come off with a screwdriver. I was rumbled one day when my mom found my collection of porche and Mercedes emblems in my bedside drawer. The excuse that I had found them didn't really hold much water, but equally I'd done quite a bit of damage which my parents didn't want to pay for so we just let that one slide. The real test came about a week late when my mate went out and stripped a merc of its emblems and hubcaps and scratched my number on the bonnet. Thank f*ck I decided to stay home that night so had a rock solid alibi.

I also recall my mate stealing some spanish fly (amyl nitrate) which we were under the impressions made woman horny. Not having a girlfriend handy we used the next best thing - his mum. Giving her regular doses through the day we then set about 'monitoring' her change in attitude. I'm not sure what we were expecting, but looking back now I don't think it was likely that she would crack one off in the tv room. I mean we were only 12 at the time.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:48, 5 replies)

There was an Irish shoplifter round our way
They found him dead under Sainsburys
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:43, 2 replies)

1992...
Circa early 1990's or if you were paying attention...1992 :)

Twas the balmy year of 1992. The World Wide Wrestling federation with Hulk in its corner was the talk of the playground.

Boys enjoyed smashing girls' Barbie dolls with their Bushwhacker ACTION FIGURES. Legion of Doom were the tag team champions (probably...)

This side of The Pond, the newly formed Premier League started. If you werent Arsenal or Man Utd you SCUM (hey, 8 year old kids were TOUGH).

two more blamy things happened that summer. The WWF Magazine, and the Arsenal Magazine.

Well, one afternoon at the local shop-o-mart, there, on the bench was an Arsenal Magazine. I was in awe. Look at me being cool infront of all the other 8year old kids I didnt know, reading THE ARSENAL MAGAZINE.

Mummy and Papa dearest has just rounded the corner to see a BabyBamaged, legs dangling over the edge of the big blue bench, reading the magazine. Life was awesome. The Mummy uttered the immortal words "c'mon bamaged, lets go home...and bring your magazine with you, someone had obviously paid for it and forgotten about it".

My world stopped. The sun shone, and the birds sang. I knew that the mag hadn't been paid for, but I wasnt going to say anything. GOing through the daunting alarm scanner type thingy's my heart stopped. Would they go off? would I be arrested and drafted out to some commune where other 8 year olds who had stolen Arsenal Magazines were sent?...nothing. no sounds. I went home a king. Smug that kudos would be mine in the playground.

The next week we went back to the shop-o-mart. Where lo and behold a WWF magazine...that I may or may not have put there....happened to be sitting on the bench.

I would be King Of The Playground for two weeks in a row! First the Arsenal magazine, now the OFFICIAL WWF magazine I had more power then the local bully. Hell, The bully looked up to me!...well.Mummy and Papa refused to talk to me until we got to the car and the goods were put away. Then the other immortal line was uttered: "you could have just asked"...I was broken. No kudos in the world could have made me feel better. Still feel guilty about that one now.
(drain_bamaged, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:41, Reply)

Spar power outage and games shop
when i was in t' college in my area there was a blackout, college stayed open as did the local Spar.
Queue 20 or students trekking up there in the 15 minute break we used to get during lessons.

this is the only time i have purposefully shoplifted:
a mars bar and i grabbed a mint aero thinking it was a normal aero, a good start

recently at the local dingy games shop the till guy forgot to swipe through the 360' wireless controller with two free games, even though i asked for it from the back:
wireless controller + 2 games
half life orange box
wireless charger kit
£35
huzzah
(Joe Guevara is well known for stealing your biscuits, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:33, Reply)

Badge of dishonour
As a plucky 10 year old, not the kind that might steal anything that he wants, or that is useful, but one who may just want to shoplift to see what it is like, I stole a badge.

May I interrupt myself at this point to apologise for the length of the first sentence.

I went for a day out with my parents to Duncombe Park, Helmsley, a stately home with gardens. I spent a long time in the giftshop dithering over what to steal. I was sure that the old lady volunteers were wise to my plan so I maintained a stealthy approach. At the perfect moment I snuck a tiny badge with the Duncombe Park crest into my tracksuit bottoms pocket and zipped it up.

I stepped outside the shop and felt, nothing, except maybe a bit silly and slightly naughty.

However, the very next day my mother found the badge behind the clock in my bedroom. How she knew it was contraband, and why she was looking behind the clock in the first place still baffles me. I have never since received quite as acute an admonishing. I was forced through tears to write a letter of apology to the CEO of Duncombe Park, enclosing the loot and promising to suffer any consequences that were forthcoming.

I spent the next weeks in a constant state of fear, waiting for the Old Bill to come and lock me up, throw away the key and the rest. I wasn't worried about rape, as I hadn't yet heard of it.

The kind and philosophical CEO wrote back to me, re-enclosing the badge and asking me if I had learned my lesson and if I would like to keep the badge as a reminder of my shame and to keep as a penance for the rest of time.

I haven't shoplifted since then but I do steal a lot of food and drink from work on a regular basis. Hey, I can't give it back.

Apologies for length (of the first sentence mainly)
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:32, 2 replies)

2 stories
my mrs in both of them. As a crimincal defence solicitor she sees things that are very funny.

This one is when a known shoplifter in Tescos was wandering round with a keen eye for a five fingered bargain. The Store detective see's him, and is so incensed that he runs at him full speed, rugby tackles him to the ground spilling about £15 of goods from his coat. All of this is on CCTV and the chap gets sent to the station to pay for his heineous crime.

On further inspection in court (at huge cost to the taxpayer) you can clearly see the "criminal" had not actually left the store. To shoplift you actually need to to remove the item from the premises. The jobsworth security guard was crestfallen as it was his The Sweeney moment and he completely blew it.
The "innocent" man was allowed free and promptly went and stole a load of DVD's from HMV in a foil bag to stop the bleeper going off. And caught, so ended in the favour of justice.

a few days later my mrs forgets a 99p bottle of salad dressing in the weekly shop - its under something. Just in case its on CCTV she then goes and tries to pay for it as getting caught for criminal offences doesn't sit well with the law society.
She then gets laughed at by the shopstaff when she explains how she didn't shoplift it and wants it noted down that she returned and paid! The minimum wagers made her feel worse than any shoplifter was made to feel as they have rights. They couldn't understand why she didn't just go!
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:28, Reply)

Guilty by ingestion...
...coming home from church one Sunday with my two younger sisters and my dad, we stopped in the newsagent to get a newspaper. My dad picks up a bag of toffees and slips them in his pocket without paying. I was only 10 and was absolutely horrified. I said nowt but he offered toffees to us all on the way home and I refused to take one without saying why. He realised I'd seen him and made me eat one.
I felt sick all day and toffees still remind me of that event. (Good grief...)
5 years later I got a job stacking shelves in 'Key-Mart' (UK supermarket). Found out that he'd been arrested there for shoplifting.

Me? I can't even leave a store if I've been undercharged a bit.
I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to shoplift something, but then I remember how sick my dad made me feel.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:28, Reply)

Not theft per-say, more 'obtaining goods by deception'
At the glorious age of going into town with friends every Saturday and buying excessive amounts of Lynx Africa (entices the ladies dontcha know) and euro-dance CD's, me and a friend hit upon a little scam.

In Virgin Megastore, the price labels used to have a barcode printed on them, but the tills then didn't display any product description. This enabled us to carefully switch the stickers while browsing and obtain £17 import CD's for the labelled price of bargain £8 shit ones. We were only pulled up once by a particularly savvy shop-monkey and denied all knowledge. After a few months, they started including an abreviated title in the barcode info rather than just a category so our scam came to a natural end.

Have that Branson, you cnut!
Length? You'd think he could afford a Remmington trimmer and a decent haircut.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:24, Reply)

More Tesco's...
When I worked at Tesco, I used to steal packets of smoked ham, hide in a cupboard and eat them.





I was the Deli Manager at the time.
(FerretTrout be illin', Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:23, Reply)

Mmm... free pick n' mix.
When I was about 5 I lifted a miniature cake from my local branch of Woolies (can't remember what it had on it, or anything about it other than it was resting on one of the pick n' mix counters and looked lonely... and tasty). The guilt got me later though and I waited till my parents weren't looking before I binned it. Before that I think I made off with one spog the week before, before realising I didn't like them. Bah. Horrible little things.

Haven't had the guts to nick anything since, other than free bus rides for six months in Pervland last summer.

And Tescos just robbed me of my hard earned loan for some mince that tasted like pestilence with a side of the bad AIDS. Bastards. Fortunately for me, though, Mr Maladicta works in Tescos and while he's not allowed to serve people he knows, he does let me use his privilege card for my shoppings so I regularly do Tescos out of money and help my other half stick it to the Man he hates so. We got a free chicken last night though, so not all bad.
( Maladicta, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:17, 4 replies)

Tesco swag
Shopping in Tesco not long ago, I noticed that the person who'd gone through the till before us had left a bag of their shopping behind.

Spotting a chance to end the day in profit, I kept my mouth shut and loaded it into my trolley with the rest of my stuff.

I arrived home and with not a little excitement, inspected my swag:

1. One small tin of Lily-of-the-Valley talcum powder of the kind that you only ever win in school fayre tombolas
2. A tube of denture fixative
3. One packet of biblical flood-strength tampons
4. Ten-pack of Durex Extra Safe

Being a bloke with all my own teeth who has recently had a vasectomy: Fuck my luck.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:17, 3 replies)

Stitch up
I remember my old form tutor reading out a notice during registration that the local corner shop was going to ban school children after catching a few dozen toerag students helping themselves to anything that wasn't nailed down. Threats of police intervention did little to quell thought process and along with a few mates we upped the ante somewhat.

Shopping trips into town with several friends was one of the highlights of the week (we were only about 13 at the time). Virgin Megastore was the prime target and back in those days all you needed to do was remove the silly little silver strip and look innocent with half a dozen Amiga games up your jumper.

This of course let to the dilemma of where to dispose of the metal strips. The obvious answer was in the hood of any passing child or popping them into other peoples carrier bags. When all tags had been deployed we retired outside to watch the ensuing chaos.

Bemused Security staff searched some very worried looking people while we stood there grinning like wanking Japs.
(Avalanche - Purveyor of sexual deviancy since 1976, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 15:16, Reply)