Does running into a country post office,
wearing a balaclava, shouting "Money now, you bastard", and firing a shotgun count?
Length could have been 10-14.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 11 Jan 2008, 4:05, Reply)

anything not nailed down
being of a student mind i tend to take anything that ain't nailed down that ain't an item for sale.

These being the classic road signs and tonnes of bar/club/guild posters that are now littering my walls and ceiling in my bedroom.
also varies item from travel lodge e.g. bed sheets.

But during a festival of last summer i got just that tad carried away with the whole stealing items left lying around.
My mate and I were walking around the town during the festival and we were looking in various shops to purchase cheap goods to play around with.
We walked into woolworths and i spot on the shelf near the entrance the security guard's motorola walking talking. On my way out of the store i stood in front of the shelves looked around to see if there was anyone looking i.e. staff, grabbed the walkie talkie and walked out with it. wasn't followed and got away with it.

I have since then decided it was a pretty stupid thing to do and since stopped being such a kleptomaniac
( schizophrenic_sheep, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 3:59, Reply)

Staff "benefits"
Like many of you have pointed out, staff regularly take advantage of their positions within companies. The last bar I worked in was no exception. For the first 4 months I worked there everything was hunky dory with no problems other than the fact the manager (john, we shall call him for that was his name) was a class A cock. However, after he got sacked the new manager soon informed us that we had a massive stock shortage. Namely £7000 worth of drink and the safe was £500 down. Turns out the staff had been having just one or two many free drinks! Suffice to say, all staff priviliges were cut and we were watched by the new eagle-eyed management team constantly.
Moral of the story, John might have been a cock but at least he let us party.
(ruud, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 2:39, Reply)

not really from a shop per se
but if anyone's from Sydney, they might appreciate it.

it's hanging on my wall, and took from Sydneham to Bankstown to peel off.
i also have the cliched student collection of signs, the rest of the CityRail stickers, and a hot pink 'Slippery when Wet' sign.
i'm a bit immature like that.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 2:31, 2 replies)

Nudey Mag Heist
At the age of about nine or ten, a group of mates and I conceived of, and successfully pulled off a complex nudey mag heist from Circle K in North Cheam.

The three targets were copies of Razzle, Fiesta and Knave. We avoided Penthouse and Playboy because their girls all looked too sensible and grown up.

Our plan was surprisingly complex (considering our ages) and it went something like this.

DAY ONE
12pm - lunchtime - known to be busy in the shop. Accomplice "X" enters Circle K and proceeds to the newspaper and magazine area. After picking up a Financial Times (despite this being a strange paper for a nine year old), wait for strategically quiet moment to slip a copy of each nudey mag into the broad sheet newspaper. After successfully securing the targets, (here is the cunning bit) proceed to the biscuit and crisp area, and slide the paper under the display shelves. Then purchase a packet of Ringos (Cheese and Onion) and some Monster Munch. Continue to pay for aforementioned potato / maize snacks and exit the store. Celebrate success of Phase One, by eating crisps with other accomplices.

DAY TWO
Again wait for lunch time, Accomplice "Y" proceeds to the crisp area to rendez vous with the stashed newspaper. Good news...its still there. Stuff the paper (containing stick mags) into the jacket and zip up. If confronted, maintain that this is yesterdays paper and how could I possibly be stealing it. We banked on this to perplex the sub-gibbon security guard. Fortunately, no need. Cover maintained and two cans of Vimto successfully purchased. Exit shop.

What a caper ! Oceans Eleven eat your heart out. Although we couldnt have been that clever, I seem to recall thinking that having a frothy piss after reading them was spunk.
(Mandrill, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 1:49, 5 replies)

Alnwick
Not about shoplifting and not about me. It's the tale of the bright sparks from Alnwick Northumberland

In the early 80's a bunch of hardmen decided to rob the local branch of TSB. So they made some stocking masks, pinched a getaway van and aquired some shotguns. - Alnwick is a farming area so the guns were easy. And off they pop to rob the local bank.

The first part of the plan went without a hitch. They made it to the bank and charged in, shotties at the ready.

"GIVE US ALL OF YOUR MONEY" yelled the leader pointing the shotgun at the terrified staff.

Well one cashier was a bit more switched on than the rest.

"There's no notes here. Only coins. The notes were taken away for counting at the weekend and they're not due back until noon."

"THEN GIVE ALL YOUR COINS" roared Mr Shouty.

So the bank staff handed over about three thousand quid in coins. Mainly silver, 50ps, 20ps, 10ps and 5s..... The pound coin had only being recently introduced and the bank had very few of them

So, loot in hand, Mr Shouty and his mates ran outside and jumped in the van. And off they went into the sunset. They'd done it. They'd successfully robbed a bank and got away with it.

So that night the whole gang were down the local boozer. They were buying drinks for anyone and everyone, paying in 50ps or 20ps, and singing "TSB - the bank that likes to say YES!" (and old TSB advertising jingle for no Brits)

The next day the leaders girlfriend turns up at the local Co-op and buys a whole shitload of electrical goods, about $1000 worth and pays cash. In 50p pieces.

So of course, the inevitable happens and the law turn up at the gangs houses and nick them all.

"Who grassed us up?" asked the leader as he was led away.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 1:31, Reply)

Not me but - deserves a mention
So My best mates Sister, She works in a branch of a high street building society. Some blokes came in, said giz all teh money, but the bloke in front of them laughed, thought it was a joke. So the thievers grabbed a lass sitting at a desk, threatened her with a knife and said, giz all the money, so our Kate gave them about 2 grand in cash I think. So anyway, the guy who was in front of the bloke, he chased them out the building and got the reg of the car they were driving. Phones police. End of.

Police phone back.

They checked the reg of the car, found the address it was registered to.

They went to said address and found said car on the drive, said thievers inside, with the stolen money, and the knives, and everything just *THERE* in the lounge

Stupid fuckwits had used their own car and gone back to their own house in it. With all the loot.

Bang to rights yeronner.

Genius
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 0:37, 1 reply)

why shoplifting is bad...
when I was at sixth form (which mostly consisted of getting stoned in the gardens of a nearby NT house with all my hippy/goth/NMA* type friends) one of the girls did lots of shoplifting...

We were on Castle Fields in Hereford one sunny afternoon when she produced a bottle of vodka (from Tescos - in the days before they put those weird plastic things on the tops) No one liked it, so I drank about 3/4 of it...

I *vaguely* remember someone piercing my ear (on my slurred insistence) at the top - you know, that hard cartilege bit...

I quite vividly remember hoiking into a carrier bag on the bus on the way home while various friends merrily assured the bus driver he couldnt hear me puking myself inside out...and my lovely mate Matt genteely taking said carrier bag and swinging it over the hedge into an adjoining field...with all the vodka slurry flying into the air as he did so...

I *vaguely* remember getting into the car with my dad (bus stop was 4 miles from home) and somehow, god, I don't know HOW, convincing him I was genuinely ill...

He took me home, I lay on my bed passing in and out of conciousness...my mum rang the doctors in a panic...she or he (can't remember!!) actually took me there, suspecting I'd got appendicitis....even more vague is the memory of my family doctor pressing my stomach...now he MUST have known I was just a pissed up teenager...

That was 16 years ago and I still can't believe I got away with it, or if I did get away with it, or what, really?

so...that is why shoplifting is bad**

And so is taking drugs...

and skiving college...

yes.

EDIT * ok, so I was the only goth...but they liked/put up with me!

** It was funny when I was 16, and someone else did it...and it wasn't from a private individual...y'know... :)
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 0:28, 1 reply)

Relentless...
Well I work at the local Morrisons, and to put it extremely lightly security is relaxed. That seriously is an overstatement... The only people who get caught stealing are drug addicts with no trolley/basket.

Anyway, I'm getting distracted here. Basically around an hour or so after I get in/after dinner hour one of two options usually arises. The most common being me deciding to casually grab a can of Relentless or the new improved Relentless "Inferno" and down it upstairs in the warehouse.

The far more interesting way of doing things of course though is when my friend the freezer dept. manager is in. He simply points at his watch, raises his eyebrows, and we both know what time it is, a Relentless each in the -20degrees storage freezer. My days, it's theft with style I tell you. Oh and on a number of occassions I've had away with my monthly issue of PC Gamer (usually £5.99)

Length? This has been going on since I started, I feast on sweets too, the cost must be in the £1000's
(Mart'n has managed to not be obscene since, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 0:27, 1 reply)

It's a small crime... and I've got no excuse
So when I was eight (I somehow always envision I was 8 when talking about my childhood), my mom and I were walking along a busy street. When all of a sudden we came across this candy shop, where you'd shop with a plastic bag and scoop out candies in various plastic containers. So, everyone know how kids are - they somehow always manage to crave for anything within their line of sight - and I told my mom I wanted some of those sweets, badly. She outright refused, since we were supposed to be going home. And there we were, waiting at a bus stop nearby. Since the bus took forever to come, I told my mom I'd go check out the stores around.

That was my ingenious plan to slip back into the candy shop to indulge my eyes, at least I thought. Then I heard a whisper from the devil - "The owner would never know if you just stole ONE measly piece of candy, would he?" Moral quickly fails and I masterfully grabbed one of the candy coke bottle out of the containers and into my drooling mouth. Being a kid, I've always imagined myself to be a master of sleight of hands (which I have still yet to achieve to-date), and I've always had a profound love for candy coke bottles. So as I left the store, unnoticed by the owner, I was strutting in pride and joy as if I was the king of the world.

Then all of a sudden I've hit a wall - as if acting on some sort of women's intuition, my mom stood right in front of me. "What is that in your mouth?" she interrogated. Stirred by the sudden intrusion, I uttered "Nothin'!" all the while as the candy escaped from my mouth. I cunningly caught it with my tongue, and pretended it never happened. But it was too late, my mom gave me the evil eye and confronted me, "spit it out! Did you pay for this? Do you know what you've done? I didn't raise my son to be a criminal..." and I felt myself shrinking as she lectures on.

Well there you have it, that was my story. Although I learned my lesson early, it did not convince me otherwise when I also snagged a few more toys in the later future. What can I say, I've had my share of bikes stolen by other bastardly individuals anyways (4 and still counting).
(Acrobad, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 0:17, 1 reply)

I'm one of those people who always gets followed by store detectives
something about a guy with piercings and a mohawk always gets their attention, I don't think they actually think I'm gonna steal anything, I think they're just often harder than thou ex school bully 'failed bouncer' types enjoying their 'power' over the weirdo.

Anyhoo, I would regularly go in Next clothes store when a sale was on as they often had oddly 'alternative' clothing accessories that evidently didn't sell too well with their usual clientele, and a weirdo like me could pick up stuff he liked from the bargain bins for, like, 50p for a studded leather belt and such, but always with that fecking security guard obtrusively following me about with a look of determination to get me for some minor misdemeanor or other on his stupid face, or at least, piss me off.

SO, one day I had an idea: Everytime he got close to me, I stared at his crotch, or theatrically 'whispered' 'Oooh, nice arse!' when he turned around.

Strangely, he started keeping his distance from then on, in fact, he would actually disappear completely when he saw me enter the store.

It did occur to me I could then shoplift with gay abandon, but I've never actually nicked anything in my life, why would a guy who stands out as much as me be so daft, it's not like I would be hard to describe to the police!
( ..wil, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 0:04, 6 replies)

Another traffic cone story...
Whilst at university my flatmates and I accumulated a huge assortment of traffic cones, flashing yellow lights, men-at-work signs, those stripy red and white plank things, and other assorted crap over the course of a year's drunken theivery. In approved student style, all of this rubbish served as ornamentation in our lounge.

When the time came to move out of the flat, we were faced with the problem of having to dispose of it all. So under cover of darkness we used it to create our own roadworks in the street outside. It really looked like a proper roadworks - IIRC we even got hold of a big piece of old plywood to lay on the pavement to cover up the nonexistent 'hole' which all of the cones, barriers, signs, and whatnot were set up around.

Said pet roadworks stayed there for several days until the council, or possibly some other students, carted it away.
(theweapon never ever bloody anything ever, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 0:00, 1 reply)

Inside Job
I once worked for a major high street music shop. (Sounds like Dour Spice.)

Everyone who worked there nicked stuff, all the time. (The wages were shit, people saw it as 'legitimate'.) I knew a manager who had all sorts of goodies, like PS2s, SNES, not to mention loads of cds and dvds. You name it, folks nicked it. We were always pretty hard with 'civilians' we caught nicking cause that was a staff 'perk' obviously. There was one little kid who tried to pinch some cds once and wasn't too good at looking innocent, so we used the shop stereo to 'tip him off'. Been Caught Stealing, Shoplifters of the World Unite, you can guess the rest. He fled in tears and always came in to the shop with his mum after that. We knew who all the shoplifters were and had nicknames for them. 'Goldtooth', 'Big Knickers', etc. It got nastier in later years as the shoplifters became drug-driven. (See earlier posts.)

One member of staff was caught with a mobile and a bunch of cds once and 'fessed up' to this with a robust sneer. She was handed over to what she refered to as the 'feds' and lead away in the 'bracelets'. That was actually quite funny as it was well deserved.

BTW I work in a Bookshop now and we're wise to that reciept/refund scam, so watch out kids!
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 23:43, Reply)

Churchlifting, i suppose
I was young, rebellious, blah blah blah. Me and my brother were poking around in the church, passing the time (as you do), when we found a big black cylinder covered in candles. taking a closer look, we discovered two little levers at the bottom, which when they were both pulled, made the middle of the cylinder fall out. It fell on the floor, and spilt £1 coins all over the place.

We took 10 or so each, then left, happy with our investigations. Later, feeling bad, we bought our mum a teddy, with the money, to try and make up for it.

We never stole from that church again.

*we* never did... It was my main source of sweet money, every day on the way to school, for almost a year, til the sneaky buggers padlocked it.
(Acemandoo, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 23:37, Reply)

I alwasy wondered if the following was possible:
1) Buy a book from a bookshop (with cash), and keep the receipt
2) Go back to the shop the next day, with only the receipt in your pocket
3) Pick up another copy from the shelf
4) Go to the till with the new book, together with your receipt, and say you changed your mind
5) Get your money refunded
6) Walk out, and go home to the original book

I never did it, but... doesn't that seem like the perfect shoplift? You never walk out carrying something you haven't paid for, so there's no risk at all. Unless someone watches you constantly on your second visit - but you could easily be alert to that.

For extra safety, you could even pick up another (different) book the second time round, and take them both to the till. Then just say you want to exchange them. If the cashier hasn't been watching you the entire time, then it's flawless.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 23:21, 3 replies)

Does stealing from a badly paid job count?
I used to be an assistant manager of a tea and coffee retailers that sounds like Shittards.

They paid me next to nothing but that's ok because I walked off with no end of stuff!

I wasn't as bad as the manager though who would turn up at night and back her car up to the door and fill it up!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 10 Jan 2008, 23:20, Reply)

A few times...
... I've been choosing my sandwiches and drink at Boots, then absent-mindedly waslked out of the shop. I've gont halfway down the street before looking at the things in my hands and wondering why they're not in a bag!

I always went back and paid, though.

There was one time I was about 7 and I did the same thing with a dissolvable bath-foam bauble from a shop which sold that kind of thing. I was already in the car with my mum by the time I found it in my hand. So.. yes. That was the one and only real time I took something from a shop without paying.

Am I too good to be true? Well - only when it comes to physical items. Otherwise:

Napster
Audiogalaxy
Morpheus
Kazaa Lite
eMule
Bittorrent

;)
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 23:12, Reply)

this is not my story - i was told it by a friend
When he was younger, woolworths were still offering the service by which you could, for a small charge, stash your bags in their store until you wanted to go home. From this humble beginning, he hatched a plot whereby an entire stereo system was stolen - he simply bagged it up, handed it in at the "bag store" and collected it later.


Genius.
(court escaper, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 23:06, Reply)

Not exactly stolen, but...
My brother and I went to his local Electrical Retailer. I can't remember what we went for, but we both collected some fairly random stuff. I picked up a USB media card reader, and he loaded up a basket with assorted stuff.

At the till, I noted a sticker on the media card reader that said "£10 o...". I'm assuming that it should have said "£10 off". It was in the bargain bin after all. They ran it through the till, and it came up as £35. I argued. Lots. I pointed to the £10 and said pointedly that that was all I would pay. I may have glared. In the end, the assistant caved, and I got my media card reader for a tenner. Triumphantly, with thoughts of "beat that, bro!" ringing in my head, I let my brother have his turn.

The assistant looked at him. He glared back, viciously. The assistant rang up his purchases nervously. It all came to about forty quid or so. My brother hands over his card, and the assistant puts it through one of those old-fashioned zip-zaps, and hands him back the card and his copy. My brother accepts them, and we leave the shop.

The next day, my brother's credit card company call. They have a charge on his card that's not signed, not marked cardholder not present, and not properly dated. They ask him if he wants to dispute it. He does. He pays nothing.

So, yeah, between us we spent seventy quid, and it cost us a tenner. Next best thing to stealing, I think.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 22:50, Reply)

Master thief
I accidentally stole a pair of batteries from B&Q.
Amazing story.

I also got a freezer half price when it shouldn't have been by moving a sign in the shop...crafty.
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 22:48, 1 reply)

I thought Id never admit this......
I was young (15ish) naive and a sad D+D freak. I was a sad fan yet poor, I was soooooooooo sad I once decided to shoplift a AD+D players handbook from Virgin Megastore, I wont name the branch. I went in all cool, checked the book out couldnt find a security tag, dropped it in my bag and left the store. As soon as i went through the barrier the alarm went off. For some unknown reason i took 2 steps forward bent down and......tied my shoelaces, the security guards ran straight past and ignored me.

I shat myself and never stole again.

I once had a friend who would steal books from bookshops, read them and then, put then back a week or 2 later, crazy.
(zannyuk, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 22:34, 1 reply)

I stole from the Hoff.
I was on a random shopping spree with some buds in Cheshire Oaks (near ellesmere port) and upon leaving the complex we noticed that the Hoff was having a book signing session at a local, well known book shop. We waited for 3 hours in Maccy D's until a line started to form and went over to see how much his book was.
"10 quid?!?!" I asked my mate, after expecting a £20 bag of shit.
"looks that way," he replied, "where do we pay for it?"
I looked around and could only see a horde of fat, sad, 40 year old council mums waiting to meet the Hoff. Upon approaching one to ask where the tills were she shouted,
"GET TO THE BACK YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!" and set about trying to fight me. A security guard grabbed me and threw me and my mates outside - still with our freebee books in hand - so we joined the back of the queue, waited another 2 hours until we met the Hoff, shook his hand and got our books signed for free.
I sold it a few hours later for £37 on ebay even though it had been signed to 'Big Poppa Sexatron' and the description on ebay included this story of theft. Now that's accidental stealing at its highest level.
(Merrick I cure cats with hammers, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 22:00, 1 reply)

Quite lame ones
I got told to go back to the classroom for talking during a pantomime at school when I was 5. It wasn't me who was talking but the teacher didn't believe me, so in order to somehow lessen the injustice of having to miss the panto I slipped the copy of Mr Nosey from the class bookshelf into my satchel while I was alone in the classroom, and then went and weed all over the floor in the boys' toilets on purpose.

My criminal career didn't end there though - when I was 14 I nicked some top shelf magazines from the video shop in the village (Knave, Men Only, Whitehouse and Asian Babes, if memory serves). One by one I jammed them up under my armpit inside my school blazer until no more would fit, and the dozy old cow behind the till didn't notice a thing, but then to my acute embarrassment they all fell out as I was crossing the main road outside the shop and started blowing about in the road (the video shop is on the brow of a hill), meaning that I had to actually chase the jazz mags up and down a main road in slow moving school-run traffic in order to retrieve them.
(trashbat, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 21:58, 2 replies)

Rage against the machine
Vending machines are evil. Many tempting treats are hidden away inside them, and all at horribly expensive prices, that is if you can even get them to work.

Imagine the joy when we found one somehow stuck - buying one out of a selection of beverages resulted in you getting your drink, and the machine still believing there to be a fresh £1 coin in the machine ready for use in the purchase of some of its delights, ready for you to then reselect your drink and get another.

Being students the machine was emptied of all the relevant drinks within about five minutes, everyone wandering off with a few more bottles than would be expected.

Theft? well, yeah. Morally though? It doesn't come near to compensating for all the times vending machines have swallowed my money and given me nothing in return...
(442, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 21:51, 1 reply)

Barry the Badger
Barry the Badger claimed to be the greatest shoplifter in Leeds. Very fond of young boys, too, but that's another tale entirely.

He used to steal to order and once told us the story of a commission he was given to provide somebody with an ironing board.

This one had him stumped until he saw one outside a junk shop in the less-than-glamorous streets behind the market. Easy. Ironing board just lined up on the pavement for the taking.

Barry cased the joint, worked out his escape route and decided that a basic grab and run approach was the answer.

So he scooped it up, at a canter, and aimed across the road...followed by a cavalcade of miscellaneous domestic appliances and implements which the canny shopkeeper had chained together when he laid his wares out on the pavement.

Halfway across the road the play on the chain ran out resulting in our man and his reluctant entourage coming to an abrupt and inelegant halt.

One of Barry the Badgers rare failures but the slapstick value more than makes up for it.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 21:43, Reply)

Pen fetish
Working in IT we often go to peoples desks (myself and 2 colleagues). We make it a priority to get pens from as many people as possible and we list who and how many in our assets spread sheet. The rules are we have to be actually helping someone and can't take them from each other.

Length? Better than the girth I tells ya!
(JethroTull, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 21:36, 3 replies)

I am t3h evilzor
In year 9 I nicked a big 400g chocolate bar, and a packet of chewing gum.


Muahaha.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 21:28, Reply)

Free food in France
Ok this wasn't intentional and I'm still not sure if I did actually steal anything.

Got dragged to Paris for the most unromantic 4 day holiday imaginable so the ex-missus could run the Paris marathon.

Not being the slightest bit interested in running (not at the time anyway) I was not prepared to stand somewhere en route and wait 4-6 hours in 30°C heat to maybe get a 5 minute glimpse of her (the wait could've been less but I was on holiday and not prepared to get out of bed before 9am). I was left on my own for a day in a foreign country where I couldn't speak the lingo. Luckily Parisiens aren't as snotty about foreigners as they are rumoured to be and the staff at the museum of inventions looked after me well and kept me entertained for the morning.

It got to 2pm and I was a bit hungry so wandered down to the cafe to find a croissant or 5. This was no ordinary cafe though: the racks where you would expect to find baguettes, pastries and the like were bare but there was a buffet laid out on some of the tables which everyone was tucking into so I grabbed some stuff and went to pay. Unfortunately there wasn't anywhere to pay - no till, and no staff anywhere. Couldn't speak French so couldn't ask anyone else.
I sat there munching to see what everyone else was doing about paying but after 30 mins nobody else had left so I walked out and went to look at analogue computers and crays in the wing I hadn't visited yet.

I was expecting someone to come after me when I left the museum but nobody did. The rest of the day I was expecting some french policemen to come and beat me but they never did. I was then expecting the border police at Gare du Nord to have a photo of me in their booth and to stop me leaving the country, but they didn't.
I was in british territory then and a burden was lifted from my shoulders: the police here probably wouldn't do anything about it, it wasn't intentional and I felt so guilty afterwards even though raw bacon isn't particularly nice and the cup of tea was revolting.

Length - Loughborough to Paris: 411 miles apparently.
( thistle, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 21:27, Reply)