why can't Ray Charles drive?
because he's blind DEAD

what's the difference between a dead baby and an original Van Gogh painting?
I don't have an original Van Gogh painting hanging on my wall

what's pink, red, silver and goes in a circle?
a baby with one foot nailed to the floor
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:36, Reply)

What's the difference between a prostitute and an onion?
You cry when you cut an onion.
(bustab, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:34, Reply)

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a lift..
when the redhead happens to glance down a sticky puddle on the floor.
"Ew!", she exclaims. "That looks like cum!"

The brunette bends over and sniffs.
"Eww!", she cries. "It smells like cum too!"

The blonde gets down on her knees and dips the tip of her tongue in it.
"Hmm..", she says. "Well it's noone from our building"
( Weetobix, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:33, Reply)

A few that made me giggle
What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her

What do 54,000 abused women every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen

What do you get when you cross two black people?
Your ass kicked
(moo_girl, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:32, Reply)

how do you make a baby drink?






stick it in a blender
(polystyrene_daffodil, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:29, Reply)

What does it say inside a black man's lips?
"Inflate to twenty pounds."
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:28, Reply)

*Why did the tree fall over....?
It had a minor identity problem, and thought that it was a Koala.

*might require actually READING other posts in order for it's crapulence to be understood.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:28, Reply)

I was slightly drunk at a leaving college do
and I had the new joke that you go and tell to everyone. I asked Carl if he wanted to hear a joke, and my mate insisted that I didn't tell it.
I said I'm going to tell it, and my mate almost begged me not to tell it.
"Whats another word for Cocoon?....Ni nigger."
It was at that punchline I realised he had a black girlfriend. I've tended to stay away from racist jokes after that.
(wez, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:26, Reply)

Stevie wonder
Stevie wonder is been interviewed , Interviewer asks "so Stevie whats it like been blind" Stevie replies its Ok at least im not black.
(Punkrockbilly, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:24, Reply)

Whats 10 foot long and stinks of piss??
conga in an old peoples home
(Punkrockbilly, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:21, Reply)

bad joke alert!
what's this?
(place hand in front of mouth, palm to face, simulate biting action)

jesus biting his nails
(Wibbly Pig, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:20, Reply)

Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono
(Punkrockbilly, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:20, Reply)

What have Harold Shipman and Gareth Gates got in common?
Neither can finish a sentence!

i'll get me coat
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:19, Reply)

More dead babies
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 scoop of ice cream, 1 scoop of dead baby.

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can't use a pitchfork to unload bowling balls.

And a Jesus one:
Why was Jesus popular with the ladies?
Because he was hung like this! (Extend arms outward like crucifix)
(ghettobooty, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:17, Reply)

what's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey Sick

(a joke about sick, will that do?)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:17, Reply)

Well i can only think of a few
and they're not even that sick...

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a paper bag?
Nothing. They're both harmful to your children and both made of plastic.

What do you call a black person in a red sports car?
Jaffa.
What do you call a black person in two red sports cars?
Fat.
what do you call a black person in three red sports cars?
Thief.

hmm, is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

(edited in 2006 with better grammar and spelling)
(That guy with a hat., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:15, Reply)

Bad Taste
a woman is in hospital giving birth to her baby.
shes screaming like mad and then the baby is born.
The doctor picks up the baby, then throws it to another doctor.
that doctor then kicks it up and it hits the ceiling, bouncing on the floor and the nurse dives down and tackles the doctor for it, they carry on for a few minutes, and after a while, the baby falls to the floor, motionless.
and then doctor looks up at the woman and says

"only joking!! it was dead already"
(Emohawk, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:13, Reply)

why....
.....should you feed a baby into a blender feet first...


so you can look at it's face while you wank...


that's fucking hideous... I win....
(d1x1e, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:13, Reply)

how does the creator make Italians
left hand full of turds

right hand full of turds

she claps her hands together and .......

WOP!
(Sock MONKEY, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:13, Reply)

Why....
does Ray Charles smile all the time?

Because he doesn't know he's black.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:12, Reply)

Q/ what's worse than finding a worm in your apple


A terminal cancer
(d1x1e, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:10, Reply)

What....
is green and smells of pork?

Kermit's fingers.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:10, Reply)

why do you put a baby in a blender head first?



so you can finish fucking it
( Dr. Kitteny Berk almost certainly drunk, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:08, Reply)

How do you bring a baby up in the Outback?
Kick a dingo in the stomach.*

*May require knowledge of famous Australian dingo baby snatching case to make sense. At least it's not been posted before.
( Smallbrainfield, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:08, Reply)

....
How does God made Peurto Ricans?

He sandblasts black people.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:04, Reply)

why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
it was stapled to the first koala

why did the 3rd Koala fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:04, Reply)

My version of The Aristocrats.
a family goes to see a talent agency... there's a mother, a father, a son a daughter and the family dog.

the Talent agent takes one look at them and before the father even opens his mouth says "ugh, family act, too fucking cute... NEXT!" the Father dashes over and slams the door before the next act can enter and says "you listen here mister, me and my beautiful wife here have driven two hundred miles so we can show you our spectacular act, months of planning have gone into this, because we are SURE you will like our ac, now Pleeeeease, give us five minutes?" the talent agent gives a begrudging nod and says "sure, five minutes." The family take their positions in a line and in a comical pantomime fashion enquires, "Say Mom, where's Mister Shiny?" the Mother enquires, "Mister Shiny?" The father pulls a twelve inch hunting knife and embeds it in his wife's Nose, she screams and goes hysterical with pain while he twists and pulls, boring six inches of flesh out, the Son whips out his cock, stuffs it in his mother's now empty nasal cavity and pees and fucks, making her high pitched screaming vary like he was playing a trombone, occasionally she stops to choke and spit the piss directly into the face of her daughter who tastes it and exclaims she's diabetic. the Daugher then manhandles the knife off her Father, cuts his cock off, turns it around and stuffs it in her mother's nasal cavity, leaving her with a bleeding flaccid cock in place of a nose. The Daughter removes her panties for the first time, revealing both a penis and a vagina and has her mother nosefuck her beshitted asshole while the Dog fucks away at her cunt, making her virgin hymen bleed, her brother kneels down and sucks her cock with his sodomy warn arsehole pointing skyward, and suddenly sprays a torrent of diarohea straight up, of course, what goes up must come down. as a finale, the motehr goes into labour, so the father staggers to his feet, nearly passed out from pain and bloodloss, picks the dog up by its leg and kicks it's face to death while performing the cassock dance and opens it's jaws, cmaping it around the mother's vagina by it's teeth, she pushes and fills the dog carcass with placenta and screaming foetus, the Daughter picks it up and exclaims, "Now for my impersonation of Ray Charles", she begins fingering the dog's arsehole in the manner of a pianist exclaiming "why the fuck isn't this piano tuned right?" she then exclaims. "Now, Freddie Mercury" She picks the dog up like a guitar and wails "I DiEd Of AiDs!!!!11111111111" while her mother hums Bohemian rhapsody, forcing mucus cum and piss to shoot out from her nosehole. "Now Jimi Hendrix!" Her brother and father accompany the mother in humming purple haze while she plays the doguitar perfectly, were it capable of producing a note, flicking off puss ridden scabs with the plectrum. she then doused it in lighter fluid lit it and announced. "Now the Who! She grabbed it by the tail in lieu of a fretboard and burst it's corpse against the floor, leaking placenta and various dead organs. they pick up the mess, roll it into gross parodies of snowballs and have a quick imprompto snowball fight giggling and lauging like schoolchildren, then run to the center of the room, stand to attention in a nazi salute and shout... "TADAAAAAAAAA!"

the Talent agent just sits there for a second, two stunned to speak, he stumbles over a few disconnected words then manages, "that was a hell of an act... what do you call it?"

"The Aristocrats."

If anyone can beat it they get a cookie, the bits you'e supposed to improvise are: the members of this particular family And, the entire act. happy trying!
(Slyph, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:03, Reply)

.......
Why don't blacks and mexicans breed? because their kids would be too lazy to steal.
(elgonzorelli, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:02, Reply)

What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi?
Porridge.

How did the leper lose his head down the toilet?
Looking for his ass.
(Rata-tat-atouille, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:01, Reply)

My first blow job
Had me first blow job today. Fucking five whiskeys and I still can't get rid of the taste.
(ravabelli, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:01, Reply)