At least the punchline isn't 'there's 20 of them'
I was going to post a gag about flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality but it's just flogging a dead horse.

[/my coat]
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 16:22, Reply)

What's orange and looks good on a hippie?

Fire.


Apols if it's been done - it's going to take a while to trawl through 32 pages.
(pointyearedpixie, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 16:04, Reply)

What would it take to reunite 'The Beatles'?
A few bullets.

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?

Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
( Laughing Boy, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 15:54, Reply)

and a couple for the animal lovers
Why should you wrap hamsters in duct tape?

so they dont explode when you fuck them.

Why do New Zealanders like to fuck sheep on their backs?

so they can kiss them
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 15:25, Reply)

My joke...
A man walks into a pub... sees a big jar filled with money behind the bar. He asks the barman what it's there for and is told that it is a long-running competition - pay a fiver to enter and if you can complete three challenges, you get to keep all of the money.

"Sounds interesting"... the man says... "ok, what are the challenges, I might have a go."

"Well, says the barman, "First you have to knock back two pints of this unnamed, rancid, extremely strong spirit...

"Second, the landlord's rottweiler has a bad tooth, you have to remove it"...

"ok, sounds fine so far - I'll give it a go", the man thinks.

"Thirdly," says the landlord, "the landlord's 85-year old grandmother is upstairs... she's not had an orgasm in 40 years - you have to give her that pleasure."

"Erm... maybe I'll give it a miss", the man says and sits down to drink his pint.

After a few beers, he reconsiders and decides to take up the challenge.

He drinks the spirit effortlessly to cheers around the bar.

Next he goes out to the yard.... the people in the pub hear barking, whining, screaming, snapping and whimpering. But the man comes back into the pub unscathed and says...

..."ok, so where's the grandmother with the bad tooth?"
( Gataki, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 15:20, Reply)

Please don't hit me
...
Did you hear about Evil Kenievel joining the Klu Klux Klan?

He tried to jump over ten niggers with a steam roller
(bunny_333, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 15:19, Reply)

Ewww
Definition of gross: Sticking 12 oysters in an old woman's fanny and sucking out 13.

nice.
(bunny_333, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 15:08, Reply)

Old favourite
How did the tasmanian mother know her daughter was having her first period?


She could taste it on her son's dick
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 15:00, Reply)

Another one
George Bush and Tony Blair sitting in a cafe, talking about stuff. (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL)
The waiter, whos a bit of a wisearse, gives them their coffee, and then asks: "so, who are you plotting to kill now?"
Bush turns and replies: "Well tomorrow I'm gonna nuke Pakistan, and the day after, i'm gonna shoot your mum"

Waiter: "No. Don't kill my mum! What's she ever done wrong!"

Bush turns to Blair and goes: "See! Told you no-one cared about the Pakis"


/not racist. or sick. honest.
(Worshipdubya, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 14:54, Reply)

jokes made up by me and my best friend when we were 5
my joke:

Why did the clown have a twinkle star on his ear?
Because he was on fire.

My friends joke:

Why did the picture move?
Because there was a daffodil behind it.

No, I dont get that one either.
(Lazarus, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 14:45, Reply)

More diana jokes
What was the last thing to go through Diana's head when she died?





A: Her ribcage
(Worshipdubya, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 14:36, Reply)

Tried to trawl through the pages, and couldn't see this one....
What have Princess Diana and the World Trade Centre got in common?

They both got fucked by Arabs.



I'll get me fatwa...
(Log of the Bar, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 14:33, Reply)

Some Goldies....
Whats the difference between Jimmy Saville and a Vileda Supermop?

You can't beat a baby with a Jimmy Saville.

On the townsend thorresson (sp?) ferry disaster:

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

15 million gallons of water.


aaaythangyooooo....
(octocock, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 14:30, Reply)

Vaginal Nip n' Tuck
So this middle aged woman goes into hospital to have her vagina tightened. The years have been hard on her body, and it's all looking a bit messy down there.

Anyway, she wakes up after the op, to see three bunches of beautiful flowers by her bed.

At that moment the nurse comes into the room, so she takes that opportunity to ask who the flowers are from.

"Well, the first bunch is from the team who operated on you. The procedure went very well, and they wish you the best of health.

"The second bunch is from your husband. He says he can't wait for everything to heal before he can enjoy conjugal relations once more."

"That's wonderful! And the third bunch?"

"Those are from Harry in the burns unit. He says thanks for the new ears."
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 14:16, Reply)

I can't find this one in here so here goes
Q: What is the best thing about fucking 18 year olds ?


A: There are 18 of them
(Funky Spingers, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 14:15, Reply)

Ooooh...
Sitting in the canteen this lunchtime...listning to my fellow coworkers moaning on about their kids (and having spent the morning reading all these quality jokes)...

Them : "When people come over to stay, I always make sure the kids are tucked up in bed."


Me: "..."

Them : "And if anyone stays over, I make sure they make no noise in the night."

Me: " How do you do that, with a pillow or a a baseball bat?"

Them: ...eerie silence

Me: "I'll be off back to my desk then..."

Them: "Yes, I think you should."

Miserable bastards.
( emmalina, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 13:57, Reply)

I'm not reading through 38 pages,
So please flame me if this is already here.

Q: What goes tap tap tap tap?


A: A baby in a mircowave



Q: What does tap tap spin spin

A: A dead baby in a microwave
(Worshipdubya, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 13:53, Reply)

Apologies if this is already here ....
At a four year old’s birthday party, the grown ups were in the kitchen drinking beers when the little boy ran through and said “Mummy! Why is Grandma playing with a shrimp?”

The mother poked her head around the door only to see that senility had, once again, forced Grandma to take all of her clothes off. She was lying on the sofa, legs apart, playing with herself.

“Erm, darling, that’s not a shrimp that she’s playing with,” the mother replied. “That’s her clitoris”.

With a puzzled expression, the boy said, “But mummy - it tastes like shrimp”.
(jimcrock, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 13:42, Reply)

Definitions
Necrophilia - it's dead good

Incest - fun for all the family

Bestiality - it's too baaaaad
( numberbruncher - correct by nature, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 13:38, Reply)

Not exactly a sick joke, but...
This was told to me by a friend, who couldn't quite remember how it went, and now I can't remember how he told it to me either, so I'll have to make most of it up.

Anyway, there's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinaman, and it's the morning of their first day working on this building site. The gaffer is trying to decide where to put each of them, so he says, "Do any of you have any experience operating a crane?". The Englishman raises his hand, so the foreman says, "Right, I think we'll start you off on the crane, then". He turns to the Irishman and the Chinaman, "Either of you any good at building walls?". "Why, I'm a dab hand at brick-layin', so I am", says the Irishman, and off he goes. Now he has to decide where to put the Chinaman. "You look like a pretty smart fella actually, so I think I'll put you in charge of supplies".

Later in the day, the gaffer spots the Englishman and the Irishman taking their tea-break, and he goes over to speak to them. "You're doing a grand job so far lads - listen, have either of you seen the Chinaman? I've been looking for him all day". They both shake their heads, so he heads off back to his office. Just as he's getting there, the Chinaman leaps out from behind a big pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"
(disaffected, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 13:23, Reply)

Hmmmm
What do you do once you've raped a deaf girl?

Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
(bunny_333, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 13:01, Reply)

From the mists of time...
whats got 4 legs and goes "Woof"?
Piper Alpha

Whats got 19 holes and 678 legs?
Lockerby golf course

They sacked the cleaners from the Twin Towers for leaving the landing lights on
(PinkFairy, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 12:01, Reply)

What's red and silver and bounces off walls?
A baby with forks in it's eyes.
(SparkyLove, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 11:45, Reply)

Topical AND sick (and probably been done)
What's better than winning gold at the Paraolympics?

Having two good legs.

Sorry.
(misspelt yoof, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 11:24, Reply)

Sorry if these are too tame...
These two bums are sitting in an alley eating used tampons. One bum looks at the other and says "Oh my GOD!!! You eat the strings too? You're fucking gross!!!"
------------------
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
------------------
Two fags and two lesbians drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
Who woill get there first, the fags or the lesbians?

The lesbians....they'd be doing 69 all the way there!


...and the fags? Well...they'd still be home packing their shit.
------------------------
How do you get a French woman pregnant?

Fuck her, stupid!
------------------------
Did you hear that McDonald's is coming out with a McJackson burger?
It's a 44 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun.
------------------------
What did the leper say to the hooker?
Keep the tip.
( Milo the crab, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 11:13, Reply)

An old Nazi paedophile
hasn't seen any action for a while. "It's a hot sunny day" he thinks, "there must be some childen on the beach."

So he drives to the beach, and parks his car in the cliff top car park.

As he gets out of his car, he sees a beautiful 8 year old Jewish disabled black girl dressed in pink gingham, crying, looking over the edge of the cliff.

"Hello little girl!"

"Waaaaahhhh, look down there", she points to a mangled body at the bottom of the cliff

"What's that, little girl?"

"Waaaahhh, that's *sniff*....mummy.."

"Oh that's terrible, little sweet girl."

"Waaaahh, and...look down there." Another mangled body.

"What's that, my sweet tight little girl?"

"Waaaahhh, that's......daddy!"

"Oh that's terrible, my warm sweet tight little girl."

"Waaaahhh, and look down there..." A furry mangled small body.

"What's that, my precious white pantied little girl?"

"Waaahahah, that's Billy our dog! Waaaahh! They're all....dead..."

"Oh that's terrible, my sweaty little white pantied bare slippery little girl. Let me help you."

He unzips his trousers, takes out his penis....

"It's not your lucky day is it, love?"

"No, it isn't is it grandad. But you still have me and one leg Benny to suck Werther's Originals from your cock."

"You do realise Charlotte, now that Billy the dog is dead, you'll have to take his place?"

"I can lap up your shit from a dog bowl whilst tied up with granny's bowel?"

"Yes my sweetest."

"Oh! You really are teh bestest grandaddy in teh World."

And they all went home for some of Grandad's 'special sweets' after a little bit of necrophile sex with Charlotte's mutilated parents at the bottom of the cliff. But they didn't do Billy the dog, that would be sick, a family must have standards.

They roasted Billy on the beach and made him into peanut kebabs.

The End

I call that......the Aristocrat....
(It doesn't always sting when you piSSSS., Mon 13 Sep 2004, 11:08, Reply)

haven't read them all,so sorry if done b4
Bloke and little girl walking thru the woods,

LG;Idon't like it in here its scary,

Bloke; Its alright for you Ive got to walk back on my own!

Woman at doctors with abdominal pains.
Doctor having carried out examination says

"Well mrs Smith may I suggest that on your way home you stop off at the chemist and buy some nappies"

Woman; Why am I pregnant !!??!

Dr; No you've got bowel cancer.

How do you know when you sister is on the rags ?
Your dad's cock tastes funny.
(piss-head, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 10:46, Reply)

havent seen this one yet sooooooo.......
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Gamecube?
Nothing, their both plastic and get turned on by kids
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 10:13, Reply)

My first post... Sorry in advance!
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clowns costume.

this ones shocking....sorry...

What's worse than having Michael Jackson babysit your kids?
Having Ian Huntley bath them.....
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 9:37, Reply)

Another Stevie one (that hasn't been posted, I think).
Stevie Wonder walks into a big department store with his seeing eye dog. Suddenly he starts swinging the dog over his head. The dog, of course, wails horribly.

A shop attendant runs over and asks: "mr Wonder, what on earth are you doing?"

"Just looking around."

Badum-tisch!

"The bus to Hell departs from platform two."
(janik, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 9:28, Reply)