A few racist jokes...
Q. What's black and creamy?

A. Wogurt

Q. What's black and slides down the inside of windows?

A. Coondensation.

Q. What's black and tan and looks good on a nigger?

A. A Rottweiler

Q. How do you stop two black blokes raping a white women?

A. Throw them a basket ball...

Q. Why did God give blacks such good rythm?

A. He felt so guilty for f**king up their hair...

My black neighbour came round last week and said...

Mr. MadPeeps, your living room seems the same size as mine... as I'm decorating can you tell me how many rolls of paper you last used when you did yours?

"Yes" I said "fourteen."

A week later he catches me again and says...

"Mr MadPeeps, I was left with five rolls!"

"Well Bugger me, so was I"
(MadPeeps, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 10:09, Reply)

What's worse. . .
than your mum walking in on you wanking?

A baby in an ice cream van with a javelin through itzzzzzzz
(le renard, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 10:03, Reply)

How sweet?
Ralph turns over to Mable and says

"If I'd known it was your first time I would have waited"

Mable turns back and retorts

"If you'd waited I would have had time to take my tights off!!!"
(MadPeeps, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 9:55, Reply)

one way ticket to hull please!
Whats better than winning gold at the paralympics?


Not being disabled in the first place.
(tacrossman, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 9:54, Reply)

Don't try this at home
What do you get when you stick your erection in a blender?

A baby...

... err hang on a minute.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 9:44, Reply)

Really sorry but a woman told me it so it is ok
How do you make a woman scream twice?

Fuck her up the arse then wipe your cock on the curtains.
(MrPretzels, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 9:36, Reply)

What is the best place...
..to fuck a cow?

To it's nostril. This way it can lick your balls same time.

Oldie:
How you know your little sister has her first period?

Your father's dick tastes like blood.

Tribute to my friend Kouros
(herma, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 8:42, Reply)

A paedophile
is walking into a dark woods holding onto the hand of a 4 year old. The child looks up at him with huge teary eyes and says "I'm scared". The paedophile says "You're scared!! I have to bloody walk home by myself!!".
(PsiPhi, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 8:38, Reply)

Bear with me
Q. How do you make a bear cross?

A. Nail it to a plank of wood

.....it works on so many levels .... arf arf *sorry* arf
(NoMoreFaith can believe its not bloody butter, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 8:06, Reply)

What do you...
... call a black man with blonde hair?

A pint...
(not-colette Is that a real poncho or is that a sears poncho?, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 7:43, Reply)

How do you...
... get 5005 Jews in a car?

3 in the back, 2 in the front and 5000 in the ashtray...
(not-colette Is that a real poncho or is that a sears poncho?, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 7:40, Reply)

twinkie
A man takes his daughter with him to the barber shop. She's happily eating a snack cake while her father sits in the chair. Unfortunately, she keeps getting closer and closer so she can see what's going on, but she's mostly getting in the barber's way.

Barber: "Honey, watch out now, I need some room."

The girl steps back a bit, only to come closer within a minute or two, still eating the snack cake.

Barber: "Look out now, you're in the way."

Again, the girl steps back, but comes closer again shortly afterward.

Finally the barber has had enough. Needing to get her to stay out of his way, he says with frustration, "You know, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."

To which the young girl perks up and replies, "I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too!"
(unbeknownst2u, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 6:38, Reply)

sex and football, lap it up
...my mate in an upstairs dorm goes out and picks a wild girl up.
They get back to his and she is up for everything.
At one point she has her head and shoulders out of the window whilst my mate does the do...but the window falls and traps her...and she loves it even more.
He's getting tired out, so still trapped she suggests he calls a friend - so he does.
His mate comes into the room and carries on at the window.
When she finally frees up and comes into the room they find that his mate is her brother...

---

A man goes into an antique shop in the city of london and spots this statue of a cat. He asks the owner "How much for the cat?"

"£100" he replies.

"Sold" says the man, pays his money and walks out the shop with the cat.

As he walks down the street he notices a cat that was hanging around outside the shop starts following him but thinks nothing of it. As he passes an alley a few doors down two more cats come out and begin to follow. By the time he's reached the corner there is a pack of 10 cats on his tail and he is getting a little nervous so he starts running.

As he runs down the hill more and more cats join the chase and at this point he is running for his life when he notices the Thames is at the end of the street. He runs up to the barrier by the side of river and leaps up grabbing hold of a lamp post. The pack of cats leaps up and all go flying into the river where they all drown.

Out of breath and in shock the man clambers down from the lamppost and makes his way back to the shop in a daze. The shopkeeper looks at him knowingly and says "I suppose you want your money back?"

To which he replies, "No, but how much for that statue of the Arsenal fan in the corner?"
(Dr Pob this just makes you look further to find the time, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 2:18, Reply)

"We want jokes that you've heard down the pub and feel slightly scared about re-telling. " - Direct Quote From Rob
so dont blame me for these:

Q: whats yellow and mows the lawn?

A: he's my nigger i can Paint Him any colour i want.

Q: Whats red and does the dishes?

A: your not the only one that can spraypaint niggers you know.

im truly sorry.
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Wed 15 Sep 2004, 0:56, Reply)

Assortment
What is three foot tall and found at the end of small boys' beds?
Garry Glitter's boots.

Garry Glitter gave up whisky, but just couldn't resist the odd tot.

Garry Glitter fell out of his boat and ended up floating on a few buoys

*To the tune of yesterday*
Leprsoy,
I'm only half the man I used to be,
If only I could afford a sewing machine,
I might get my sex life back on track

Suddenly,
My dick is hanging off of me,
Having a piss is going to be tricky,
More of a splash than of a slash.

Tell me why,
The best sex swop people are all Thai,
When all I've got to do is be alive,
And all the bits fall into place.

The first line of this song I heard at a Jasper Carrot gig and decided I'd finish it off, pun most definitely intended
(Tix Keeper of the Smurf, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:55, Reply)

A limerick
On the bridge stood the bishop of Buckingham
And his thoughts were on tits and of sucking'em
As he looked at the stunts
Of the cunts on the punts
And the tricks of the dicks that were fucking'em

I think I've run out of both sick and crude jokes now. :-(
(beergut, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:52, Reply)

Airline acronyms
What does Al Italia stand for?
Arrived Late In Turin And Luggage In Athens

What does Qantas stand for?
Quite A Nice Trip; All Survived

What does Lufthansa stand for?
Let Us Fondle The Hostess And Not Say Anything

... which all lead to ...

What does Munich stand for?
Manchester United Never Intended Coming Home

... and that has got to be the oldest disaster reference joke here.
(beergut, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:50, Reply)

What's got three legs and lives on a farm???
The McCartneys...


sorry
(invisible, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:49, Reply)

Not sick but warped
Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow checked trousers?

Because he's a cunt.
(ringorules, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:38, Reply)

NEVER tell this to a girl you're trying to impress. Ever.
A woman is in labour and squeezing hard. Finally the midwife pulls the baby out, then, with a look of panic on her face, whisks the baby into an adjoining room.

Minutes pass, until a grim-faced doctor eventually returns to the frantic mother. "I've got good news and bad news", he says, "Which would you like first?".

"Um, the bad news doctor", trembles the mother.

"I'm afraid your baby is ginger, madam."

"And what's the good news doctor?"

"It's dead"
(C Chops, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:37, Reply)

Lock in special
A teacher is teaching a class of 10 year olds.
"Today we're going to have a farmyard quiz. John, what noise does a cow make?"
"Mooo, miss" comes the reply.
"Very good. Now, Alison, what noise does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa, miss."
"Excellent! Leroy, what noise does a pig make?"
"What's in the bag, nigger."
(ringorules, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:34, Reply)

Corn on the cob
Two men get lost in the middle of some woods one night and see an old house in the distance. It's raining really heavily and they really want shelter, so they knock on the door. A hideous old lady answers and tells thenm the only way they can stay there is if one of them fucks her silly. They look at each other and decide to go ahead with it as there are probably wolves or bears in the woods anyway.

Bed time comes and the two are drawing straws in the kitchen. The loser goes to bed in a plush room upstairs and the other thinks about what to do, so he gets a corn on the cob out of the fridge, wams it up a little and goes upstairs. He uses it on the old lady for hours, and he's really rathe glad as it looks a bit like a case of finding the right wrinkle. He goes back downstairs, puts the sweetcorn bak in the fridge and goes to bed on the sofa in the lounge.

Next day they are walking home and one turns to the other and says, "So how did it go?" The other traumatised by the memory of the little nakedness he saw says

"Fine, how was your night?"

And he says "Well, in the middle of the night I got the munchies and ate this melt in the mouth sweetcorn, you should have seen the butter...."

Obvious I know... *getting coat*
(Tix Keeper of the Smurf, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 23:18, Reply)

as I'm bisexual, I think I'm entitled to tell these.
What do you call a closet with a few lesbians in it?

Liquor cabinet.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur traders.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Likalottapus.
(unbeknownst2u, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 22:52, Reply)

not quite sick, but still funny
Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other?

A: "If we don't get some support soon, they'll think we're nuts!"


also


Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A: "See you next month."
(unbeknownst2u, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 22:49, Reply)

tampons
Q: Three tampons are coming down the street towards you, a super plus, a regular, and a light. Which one talks to you first?



A: None of them. They're all stuck up cunts.


Also, it would be a pretty sick joke if George W. Bush gets re-elected.
(unbeknownst2u, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 22:42, Reply)

What's worse than letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids?



Ian Huntley giving them a bath.
(Mr Slippyfist, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 22:19, Reply)

my tuppence
What's pink and can't turn around in corridors?

A baby with a javelin through it's head.
(the_cyclops, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 21:53, Reply)

Pete the Sewer Worker
Pete the sewer worker has been in his job for twenty years and the town mayor decides to visit Pete at work and make a little presentation.

The mayor climbs down into the sewer and gets chatting to Pete about why he likes his job so much.

"Well" Pete says "My job is fascinating. You see that big turd floating past us now? That's from the carpenters. I can tell because you can see sawdust in it. Now this next one. That's from the gardeners. I can tell because it's got grass clipping s it. Now the big black turd coming into view now is from my wife".

The mayor is incredulous. "Pete, I can understand the logic behind the gardener and the carpenter, but how the hell do you know thatthat turd out of all the millions of turds in the sewer is from your wife?"

"Ahh, it's got me lunch tied to it."
(rmh, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 20:51, Reply)

Another one
Why did the pervert cross the road?

Becasue he had his dick stuck in the chicken
(rmh, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 20:43, Reply)