Sorry, a bit out of date
Paul McCartney is at home with the Kids: "Ive got some good news and some bad news"
Kids: Whats the bad news?
Paul: Your mum's dead
Kids: Oh God, whats the good news
Paul: Bacon sandwiches for tea!!!!!!!
(penrose your dog's got tits, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Man goes to the ticket office at the railway station
Man:"can I have a segond glass redurn do dottingham please"
Ticket clerk:"sorry I don't understand"
Man:"can I have a SEGOND GLASS REDURN TO DODDINGHAM PLEASE?"
Ticket clerk:"ahh, I see, have you tried Tunes sir?"
Man:"Why, do they cure cerebral palsy?"
(penrose your dog's got tits, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:58, Reply)

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Guess
Guess Who?
The Gestapo Miss Frank. Now Open ze door!!!!
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Oh dearie me!
A man walks into a lift, which already has a very attractive women in it.

As the lift is going up, he ask,"Excuse me miss, can I smell your fanny?"

"Certainly not!", came her astonsished reply.

"Ah! It must be your feet then."

Makes me laugh....
(CdrVimes, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Oh dear...
What's hard and red and makes women scream in the morning?




Cot death.

Are we all going to hell for this?
(kittykeele, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:33, Reply)

Gary Glitter
Why Does Gary glitter want to be cremated if he faces the firing squad?

So his ashes can be put into an etch-a-sketch and kids can still play with him when he's gone!
(markoyotojakamoto, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:29, Reply)

Got this by text.
"It costs 10p to send this message. That's enough money for an African child to buy food and water to live on for a WHOLE DAY.

Send this message to 7 people and starve the cunt for a week."
(Sorry, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:19, Reply)

What's the smallest pub in the world?
The Thalidomyde Arms.


Not really sorry if it's bindun as it's ace.
(Jaythree, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:18, Reply)

Two brothers on Christmas day, unwrapping presents.
Big brother opens his and gets a PSP, an Ipod, a new mobile and a Robosapiens V2. His younger brother opens his but only gets a book.
Big brother says "My presents are much better than yours, you little twat!"; to which little brother replies "They might be, but I haven't got leukemia!"

Sorry, I'm really bad at telling stories.
( liverbird, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Ho ho ho
Q. How many pages are there on this QotW if you take out all the "best thing about fucking 28 year olds", blenders and dead whore gags?

...

...

...

Wait for it.

...

...

...

*Drumroll*

A. Why not read some of them yourself and find out if the gag you're posting has been done to death already? Geddit?

I thank you, punters. You've been a lovely audience.

sorry, having a shit day at work. Thought I'd spread the joy. Bah fucking humbug
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:14, Reply)

meh
Paedophiles are fucking immature assholes...
( The Lurker Plenty One, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Mmm.
What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids?

Ian Huntley giving them a bath.......whilst your dad's cock tastes funny because your sister's on her period whilst fucking a baby in a blender. Trevor McDonald is watching and just wiped his cock on the curtains. Because there's 20 of them.
(iwantacone, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:07, Reply)

OK, not generally sick
Though there are a few cases I can think of..:

Q. Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A. Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Train journeys
A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper.

Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles.

Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?"

"Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."
( WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Not exactly sick.. more 'true'.
Why do women have periods?

They deserve them.
(Nash Odyssey is a nasty, nasty man (or possibly woman), Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:01, Reply)

Easily the sickest joke.
Two piles of sick are walking down the road, when one starts crying. The other asks what's wrong, and the crying one replies "Nothing, it's just this is where I was brought up".

Bonus points for telling it so badly it probably didn't make sense.

Arf.
(iwantacone, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:01, Reply)

Probably already posted..
George Best's consultant runs up to him and says.. *panting* "George, thank gos i've found you. I have good news and bad news." George thinks for a moment and says "Bad news first" "You have an hour to live" replies the consultant. After a moment, George regains his composure and asks "Well, whats the good news then?!" "Its happy hour"

*Thrusts*
(Clarissa, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Whats red and hangs off the back of a train?



Miscarriage.


B-dum-che! (sorry)
(Formaly Over say's hello, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Homo no no!!!!
Appologies.....

What turns a fruit into a vegetable.........


........AIDS......


ohhhhhhh
(cheekylitllewilly, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Oh Dear
One day there was a preganant women who walked past a bank.
Unfortunately the bank was being robbed, and she was shot three times. Fortunately she was fine, and she gave birth to three lovely children. Two girls and one boy.
When they were around 15 years old, one of her daughters came up to her and said," I was pissing and a bullet popped out of my cunt" the Mum replied " oh thats odd". A couple of days later her other daughter came up to her and said "mum i was pissing and a bullet popped out of my cunt." the mum replied " oh, hmmmm, i think I know whats happening now."
A couple of days after that her son came up to her and said " mum..." but he was interupted by his mother who said "let me guess you were pissing and a bullet popped out." The boy replies "NO, i was wanking and i shot the dog!"
(po po, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:50, Reply)

This one got my dad in real trouble.
Years ago, when young and naive in the ways of the world he was in a pub. After he finished his beer he held aloft said empty beer glass and quoth thusly:

"I'd rather see a dead baby than this sorry sight."

One can only presume he intended for one of his mates to get the next round.

What happened instead was the bloke next to him knocked him out by hitting him rather hard with the barstool he had been sitting on, his baby having died the previous week.
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:48, Reply)

sick jokes
what's the smelliest thing in the world?
an anchovie's cunt
(alboyalex, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:47, Reply)

no theres more
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb... two, one to change the lightbulb, the other to suck... my... cock
(daddyk, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Q: How do you circumcise a Yarmouth boy?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

(Replace 'Yarmouth' with the remote and godforsaken shithole of your choice.)
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:40, Reply)

why cant Ray Charles write?

because he's black
( Devil Duck: ( ' )< and his cunning stunts, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:40, Reply)

har har har,
why do you put a baby feet first into the blender??? so you can come on its face
(daddyk, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Twist on a classic
What's Blue and fucks grannies......

Me in my lucky blue coat!!!!
(cheekylitllewilly, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:36, Reply)

NSOK (not safe outside Keighley)!
That scummy black family down the road - you know what their kid's getting for Christmas? Your bike! You know what his older brother's getting? Your car!! And finally, you know what his dad's getting? Your daughter!!!...

oithankyezall
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:33, Reply)

Dunno if this has been said before, so I'll do it anyway. Sorry if it's another "20 of them" type mishap.
A poor, hungry man stumbles into a church. Kneeling down, he exclaims, "Please lord, I am hungry; I have not eaten in days, please deliver me some food!"

Suddenly, a large piece of meat falls down in front of him, and the man promptly devours it and runs off.

The next day he returns: "Please lord, I am still hungry. Please deliver me some food!", he cries, and once again, the meat falls down, and once again he devours it.

The man comes back day after day, asking, eating, asking, eating etc, until one day a hand drops down before him. Bemused, he slowly looks up.

There was a leper painting the ceiling.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:20, Reply)

did you hear about the thalidomide pornstar?
...

...

he had an arm like a baby's cock
(spastic_lequeer, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 15:16, Reply)