Hitler's last words:
I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky yids.
(Jimtastic, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 10:05, Reply)

Dildoes!
A bloke starts a new job in a sex shop. His boss has to go on an errand, so leaves our man in charge of the shop floor for a while.
A black woman comes in and starts browsing the dildoes.
"May I be of assistance, madam?" enquires the bloke.
"Yes - how much are your dildoes?" replies she.
"They're all £35."
"In that case I'll have a white one. I've never had a white one before."
As she leaves with her purchase, in comes a white woman, who asks the same question and gets the same answer.
"I'll buy a black one," she says, "I've never had a black one before."
Then in comes a chav woman.
"Oiw, ow much are yee dildoes?"
"£35 for the white, £35 for the black."
"Ah okay. Ow much is tha tartan one on the shelf?"
"That's a very special dildo, madam. It's £165."
"I'll ave it," says the chav, and she leaves with her purchase.
The boss then returns and asks our man how he did. "Pretty damn well," is the reply, "I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your Thermos for 165 quid."
( Bob Todd whee, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 0:55, Reply)

One that I don't believe has made an appearance here
What's the difference between sand and pig's afterbirth?

You can't gargle sand.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 21:26, Reply)

Why must you drop a baby into a blender feet first?

So you can finish cumming in its mouth.
(Chuckman, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 21:13, Reply)

ok as most of these aren't sick i shall endeavour to rectify
3 pregnant women have a regular knitting meeting every monday.

After a short while, the first woman puts down her knitting, takes a small pill from her handbag and swallows it. The others ask what its for so she tells them
"Its calcium - i want my kid to have really strong bones" and carries on with her knitting...

The second lady takes a small pill out of her handbag, promptly swallows it, then carries on - knit one, pearl one, knit one, pearl one. When asked what its for, she replies
"its omega 3 - i want my child to be really intelligent"

The third expectant mother takes a bottle of pills out of her bag and downs the whole lot. When the other two ask in amazement what thats for she replies
"its thalidomide - i can't knit sleeves"

/coat?
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 17:46, Reply)

sorry this is off topic
but wanted to invite all b3ta guys to a barbecue. We can supply bangers etc - just bring water

address
6 burnda way
Hemel Hempstead
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 17:41, Reply)

Kill all the flag waving, young, Yankee boys...
www.geocities.com/barbara_anne_kerr/killamericans.mp3

Usefully posted on the geocities account with my real name on it (lookin' forward to that green card application!), this isn't strictly a joke as such but it's in highly poor taste. I would point out that this was recorded in the mid-80s, but other than that, let's get a meme going here people!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 11:45, Reply)

not seen this one yet probably coz its shite


Jack and Jill went up the hil to fetch a pale of water,

half way up Jack got horny and fucked the hole off the dirty little cunt,

GO ON Jackie BOY ! GO ON YA MAD BOLLOCKS . . . BUST HER SHITBAG
(The Cats Twat, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 8:29, Reply)

gyne joke
did u hear about the gynecologist who decorated his house through the letter box

burn baby burn, disco inferno...
( Avast is still alive!!!!, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 3:36, Reply)

sorry to be a pedant but im oooollllddddd
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after using them

Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after eating!!!
( Avast is still alive!!!!, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 3:17, Reply)

only for a chocolate biccie!
sorry if bindun...to answer the question the joke is something like this...

this woman is having an affair with a black dude and for each act he says "only for a choccie biccy!" the husband comes home and after a search calls out "come out come out where ever you are" to which the reply....

tx
( Avast is still alive!!!!, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 3:13, Reply)

Katie is five years old. Tomorrow will be her birthday.

"Dad, guess how old I'll be tomorrow?"
"Don't know" he replies.
"I'll be six!"

She goes into the kitchen and sees her grandad.

"Grandad, guess how old I'll be tomorrow?"

"To answer that I need you to remove your knickers".

So she does that and he sniffs them. Then he fingers her, smells his finger and licks them.

"You will be six tomorrow" he says.

"How do you know that?" she asks.

"I overheard you talking to your dad" he answers.
(Chuckman, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 2:05, Reply)

Last night I picked up this woman

and she started crying and screaming. Her deameanor improved When I removed the pick from her cunt.
(Chuckman, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 2:03, Reply)

All washed up
Humanitarian aid sending over 300 bottles of Fairy Liquid due to people washing up on the beach.
(Chuckman, Sun 11 Dec 2005, 2:02, Reply)

more repeats - it's just like telly!!
insert town of choice if tamworth doesn't work for u...

a girl from tamworth pulls a guy and they are in his car and he starts fingering her. "push another couple of fingers in" she says, so he does. "push your hand into me" she says, so he does. "put your other hand in me" she says, so he does. "Now clap" she says. "I can't" he says. "Tight huh?" says the girl.

whats the definition of agony? barry sheen in a magnet factory.

whats the definition of sick? eating a bowl of rice and seeing the last one crawl away..

what do u call a woman with no legs? fanny walker

what do u call a man with no arms or legs who swims the chanel? clever dick

how do u get 4 gays on a barstool? turn it upside down

why is spunk white and piss yellow? so an irishman knows whether he is coming or going

an american, a scot and a greek were walking down the road and get killed by lightening. they reach the pearly gates and plead to be sent back, so st. pete calls god who agrees they can go back as long as they desist from their favourite things. in a flash they are back on the street. soon they come to a MacDonalds and the american, overcome with temptation, runs in, buys a big mac, takes a bite and dissapears in a puff of smoke. suitably chastened the other two walk on when the scotsman see's a coin in a crack in the pavement. overcome by temptation he bends down to pick it up and the greek disappeared.

did you hear about the blind bloke who got a cheesegrater for christmas? said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

why does helen keller masturbate with one hand? so she can moan with the other.
( Avast is still alive!!!!, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 19:16, Reply)

Last one...
Why is the bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
( WormuIus, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 15:23, Reply)

What is the difference between a Mexican and a pizza
A pizza can feed a family of four.
( WormuIus, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 14:55, Reply)

The most offensive things I ever heard
were both within 5 minutes of each other.

firstly the classic

'My gradfather died in the Shoah'
'he fell out of a guardtower'

follwed by the stroek of genius which was my friend's reply:

'Shoah my cock' and 'shoah a good time'

in an ALan Partridge voice.
( WormuIus, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 14:43, Reply)

two condoms walk past a gay bar ...
and one says to the other "wanna go in there and get shit faced"
(gusset, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 14:38, Reply)

paul mcartney bought his wife a new artificial leg this christmas
but it wasnt her main present, it was just a stocking filler
(captain barnacle, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 11:01, Reply)

Did you hear the one about...
... using Google's advanced search function to restrict your results to only one domain (oooh, say b3ta.com, by way of an example) to check if my lucky blue coat/hypothermia/there's 20 of them/hanging glitter at christmas/you can't unload X with a pitchfork had been posted before?

Apparently not...

Much quicker than reading through all 50+ pages.

*crawls back under rock*
(lawofnations, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 10:30, Reply)

The Break-up
A guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing her belongings.
"What's going on?" he says. To which she replies "I'm leaving you! I just found out that you're a pedophile!".
Hey, hey, hey...", he replies, "Wait a second here...Pedophile??? That's a pretty big word for an eight year old..."
( Milo the crab, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 3:17, Reply)

MJ
Why was it wierd that Michael Jackson hung the young child off the balcony?

He usually tosses them off
(dani_B Bollocks, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 2:41, Reply)

Spoon
Michael Jackson has alot to answer for. His fucking of children has really pissed me off; I have had to read the same joke more times than I would care for.
(joeydoo, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 1:22, Reply)

baby
the other other white meat...
(kalimah, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 0:00, Reply)

Long one
Englishman, Irishman...Blah blah blah

Hung like a nigger.

Guffaw.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 23:22, Reply)

I say, I say, I say ...
What message board has the "lucky blue coat" joke 9 fucking times and the "hypothermia" joke 8 fucking times?

Go on, have a guess
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 22:06, Reply)

Whats Blue and Fucks Grannies?
ME IN MY LUCKY BLUE COAT!

(May have been done after 40+ pages but it has to be said just incase)
(Monkeyofspong, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 19:59, Reply)

Posted after reading the same joke a million times
Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?





A: A pinball machine.

Shit I know, but at least it's vaguely original.
(TheVeryReverand, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 18:33, Reply)