what were dodi al fayed's last words?
i wanted to fuck di under the bridge and not die under the fucking bridge
(bwana dik, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:58, Reply)

Finally a topic I can answer
Paddy and Murphy on a desert island, been there for almost 2 weeks. Not a scrap of food around, and both are near death from the hunger. So, after much exploration, near the centre (not center you yank feckers) of the island they find a cave with a big locked door and a thick glass window. Through the window they see years worth of food sitting waiting for them. Unfortunately they cannot open the door, which makes them break down in dispair.
At that point, a smelly witch appears from nowhere with a loud pop.
"Well isn't this nice," says the witch."I've got men begging at my door, and I'm as horny as a mule." Paddy and Murphy have both seen that donkey video clip going around the internet, took one look at the witch and both shuddered. The witch continued;
"If you of you two fine looking men will take the pleasure of doing me good doggie, I will unlock this door and you can eat to your hearts content." The guys look at each other, and decide that it's better than starving to death. Both are not fussed with the idea of being the man who will fuck her however, as her smell is causing them much nausea from 3 yards away. After picking the short straw, Murphy has got the unclean task of doing her. The witch, with a wicked glint in her squinty eye, leads him away from the door around a large bush.
The witch turns away, giggles "Ohhh you better be good!" and leans forward. As she does this, she drops her stinking knickered, which are covered with a strange yellow lumpy goo, which is dripping from her unwashed nether regions. Murphy reels backwards, and thinks that there is no way on God's Green Earth that his cock was placed on this island to enter that crawling acid pit of a minge.Hang about thinks Murphy she's facing away from me, what if I use something else?. He spies a small branch from the nearby bush, and quietly snaps it off. He then carefully pushes it up her, and the witch starts moaning. After 2 minutes of this, the witch totally oblivious that she's being frigged by a stick, is loving it and goes to get up. Quickly, Murphy pulls the stick out, which is absolutely covered in thick lumpy yellow puss, and chucks it over the bush.
"Ohh that was nice" says the witch, "but I wanted it better. You've gotta go harder than that if you want that food!" With that, the witch bends back over.
Murphy goes back to the bush, and snaps off a thicker branch, then quickly rams it up her foul clit. After 3 minutes of ramming it up her yellow puss-pipe and her moaning in pleasure, she goes to get back up again. Murphy, as quick as ever, pulls the branch out, covered in yellow puss lumps, and chucks it over the bush. The witch stands up, a bit sweaty etc and says "That was almost there, but I'm after that bit of ommmph before you eat." With that she leans back over.
Right, fuck this thinks Murphy and pulls out the biggest branch from the bush, 4 inch diameter, and battering charges it up her yellow puss hole. After 4 minutes of ramming this, and the stinking witch singing in esctasy, she collapses on the floor in a heap. He pulls the branch out, which is dripping in puss, and throws it over the bush. The witch gets up rather dizzily, and drops a key in his hand.
"Cheers pet", and with that, she was gone.
Murphy runs around to the locked door, where Paddy is sitting.
"Paddy, Paddy, I got the key, we can eat, we're saved!"
"Fuck the food locker" says Paddy, "I want more of that Corn on the Cob that you've been throwing over."

Boom Boom
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:57, Reply)

here we go...
When you're working in a coalmine, how do you know where you left the spade?

When he opens his mouth.

/not racist
(Chuckman, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:57, Reply)

In response to Mushroom and localised for the Brits:
What's blue and fucks old ladies?
The Tory party.
(seanfish, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:56, Reply)

Why didn't Superman save the twin towers?
Because he's in a wheelchair.
(sicone, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:56, Reply)

noooooooo!
what's the difference between a french girl and a bowling ball?

you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:56, Reply)

Another one
What's got 300 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row at a westlife concert
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:55, Reply)

bah!
what's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

a slut will sleep with anyone
a bitch will sleep with anyone but you
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:55, Reply)

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out of it.
( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:55, Reply)

must...stop...posting...
what's the difference between erotic and kinky?

erotic is when you use a feather
kinky is when you use the whole chicken
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:54, Reply)

mmm...topical
Q: What goes up and down on Nelson's Column?
A: Winnie Mandela
(SpookTheHamster, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:53, Reply)

...
what has 90 balls and screws old ladies?

bingo!
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:52, Reply)

...
what should you do if a bird craps on your car?

never take her out again
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:51, Reply)

...
what's the best thing you can do when you are run down?

get the bastards registration number
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:50, Reply)

This one's wrong
Whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

I don't cum on an apple before taking a bite out of it.
(Bastard Sloth, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:49, Reply)

More Chinese Cockle Pickers
The Cockle Pickers were not badly managed. it was all their own fault. They were all instructed to wait until the water level was up to knee high. But, Neehi was sat back in the van.
(t3d on FTLFM now http://83.149.101.8:8070/listen.pls, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:49, Reply)

...
how do you get a nun pregnant?

dress her up as an alter boy!
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:48, Reply)

Love 'em
Q: Why can't you have sex with pensioners?
A: Have you ever tried taking apart a cheese & ham toastie?

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Have you seen the mess a slug makes?

Q: What's the best thing about sex with twenty-eight year olds?
A: There's twenty of them.
(SpookTheHamster, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:48, Reply)

What's the difference between a wife and a wank?
You can't beat a wank.
(Chuckman, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:47, Reply)

im sorry!
why did 2 planes go into the World Trade Center?

Someone left the landing light on
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:47, Reply)

here goes..
a black baby dies and goes to heaven

god gives it wings

"am I an angel?", asks the baby

"no, you're a bat. now fuck off"

/not racist
(Speet1 knows at least 69 love songs, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:45, Reply)

Gary Glitter and Lester Piggot were chatting in prison...
Edit:
Lester Piggot says "Gary, i'm such a huge fan of your music. Will you teach me how to sing?".
Gary Glitter replies "Of course, but only if you teach me how to ride 4 year olds!"
(Beaston, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:44, Reply)

Two sharks are in Morecambe
One says to the other "I really fancy a Chinese".
(Chuckman, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:44, Reply)

3 queers are in a jacuzzi
and a blob of spunk floats to the surface.

"OK, who farted?" one of them asks.
(Chuckman, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:42, Reply)

told by a racist friend as well:
What do you call one black person on the moon?
A problem.

What do you call 10 black people on the moon?
A bigger problem.

What do you call all black people on the moon?
Problem solved.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:39, Reply)

The tradgedy
at morecambe bay has been blamed on language difficulties - the cocklers were told to get out when the water reached knee high - the trouble is knee high was sitting in the van waiting
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:36, Reply)

Two for the post of one (including one of my own)
A spacker walks into a bar, what does he say?
Nnnnnnnnnnrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh!

How do you get a baby into a jar?
Blender.
How do you get a baby out of a jar?
Doritoes.
( Whillow, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:36, Reply)

Ian Brady says to the prison guard.....
..."I'm pissed off, I haven't had a holiday in years!!!!"

To which the guard says :

"Come off it Brady, a few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth Moor, you had 3 days up there, all those wide open spaces and fresh clean air!".

To which Brady replies :

"Fair enough, but what kind of holiday was that with the kids under me feet!"
(Charlie Baked Potato, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:34, Reply)

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?




One, but you have to throw it really hard
(mymindisbroken no really, it is., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:33, Reply)