what goes plink plink fizz
2 babies in an acid bath
(cheebatv, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:27, Reply)

Remix
A cot death and a dead epileptic are walking through Michael Jackson at night.
Gary Glitter starts crying and says 'what’s that nailed to those 10 trees.'

A baby with burst arm bands says, “Plink Plink Fizz…it's alright for you. There’s 20 of them! I don't have a punchline in my garage!!!!!”
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:24, Reply)

How do you get a gay man to fuck your girlfriend?

Shit in her cunt.

{sorry; I'm really, really, sorry}
( splorp ®, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:22, Reply)

World's Sickest Joke
Q:How is anal sex like a microwave?
A: Both can brown your meat without cooking it.

Q: In Greece, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

Q: How can you tell when an Arab boy has become an Arab man?
A: When he takes the diaper off of his ass and wraps it around his head
(scarsfromknives, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:11, Reply)

I'm so sorry...
Little Girl: "What's 'depraved' mean, daddy?"

Father: "Shut up and keep sucking!"
(blindspot, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:08, Reply)

This one made me splutter my pint
I was standing at a bar in the pub when I overheard this conversation between two blokes

"Do you know what? I could have sex with any woman in this pub".

"Oh yeah? How's that then?"

"I'm a rapist".

I pissed myself but none of my friends thought it was funny for some reason (I don't know them anymore)
( kinks rock over London, rock on Chicago, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:05, Reply)

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
...Christopher Reeves, after the fire.
(blindspot, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:55, Reply)

Old but gold
A man is walking with a child in the woods when it starts to get dark. The child turns to the man and says "It's getting dark and I'm scared". The man replies "How do you think I feel? I've got to walk out of here on my own".

How do you know when your sister's having her period?
Your dad's cock tastes funny.
( kinks rock over London, rock on Chicago, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:54, Reply)

what's the best thing about shagging twenty six year olds?
there's twenty of them....
(sunny chiba, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:51, Reply)

What's the difference between...
Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
(Smoot, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:49, Reply)

Air crash in the desert.
So this airplane crashed in the middle of the arabian desert. Miraculously, all the 88 passengers survived. But now they faced themselves in the middle of an arid land without water nor food.

A couple of days later, one of them saw a camel, and they all ran towards it, believing the camel would at least guide them to an oasis or something. But all the 88 survivors hopped on the poor animal, and it could barely stay on its feet. The overloaded camel, after 3 steps, started to shake, about to fall on the ground.

So the woman on the camel´s neck said, hoplessly:

"This camel is fucked."

And then, someone from behind said out loud:

"But if I get my dick out of here I will fall down!"
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:43, Reply)

Another sick one !
3 men are in the pub talking about what they do with the other hand when they are wanking.

First guy says he uses it to fast forward to the best bit in the porn video.

The secong guy says he uses it to flick to the best bits in his porn mag.

The third guy says he is holding a sponge.

The first and second guy look at him in a confused state. A sponge?, they ask, still puzzled.

The third guy says yeah a sponge. Cos i'm giving me kids a bath.
(spookyfish, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:43, Reply)

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.
(thellama73, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:42, Reply)

I know its so wrong......
What is pink, hard and makes women scream ?

Cot death.

Really it's appauling isn't it
(spookyfish, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:38, Reply)

Whats black and blue, and doesn't like sex?
A rape victim
(Biggsy, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:38, Reply)

*yawn*

( TV's Nosemonkey, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:37, Reply)

A military one...
There's this chemist and he's serving a customer when a kilted Scot's Guard walks in, slams a punctured condom on the counter and says "How much to repair this?"

The chemist tries to explain they don't repair condoms, they only sell new ones, but the Scot's Guard just glares at him and repeats: "How much to REPAIR this!"

Eventually, with the customer he was originally serving getting angry, the chemist gives the Scot's Guard the first figure that comes to mind: "Okay, 50p!"

To his surprise, the Guard just nods, picks up the condom and marches out. Relieved, the chemist goes back to serving the customer.

A week later he's all but forgotten about the incident, and he's serving another customer, when the Scot's Guard marches back in with a HUGE box.

Slamming it down on the counter, the Guard looks the chemist in the eye and says: "The regiment accepts ye're offer!"
(Snitter the Rat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:34, Reply)

What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?

Not being a cripple...

(sorry)
(Skulk, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:34, Reply)

bzzz
What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:27, Reply)

Matel is gonna release the new Divorced Barbie.
It comes with Ken´s car, Ken´s house, Ken´s boat, Ken´s business...
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:24, Reply)

Heard from my father, the font of all knowledge.
Three guys are wandering in the desert. They're tired, thirsty, and on the verge of keeling over.

Suddenly they see a house. No, it's not a mirage... it's REAL! A REAL HOUSE! IN THE DESERT! WOW!

The first guy knocks on the door, and is horrified to see the oldest, most decrepit woman on the planet. He tenatively asks for some water.

"Sure, if you'll do me."

He vomits and runs away, trying to throttle his brain to keep away the mental images. He tells his companions about it in sickening detail.

"She can't be THAT bad," goes the second guy. He drags himself up to the door and asks for some water.

She gives him a laviscious smile and says that she will give him a hundred gallons, but only if he'd lay her.

He faints dead away and is dragged off by one of his mates.

"Well, sure, I'll take you up on that offer," the third man says, preparing for the worst. She nods and leads him inside.

"Here," she says as they enter the kitchen. "On the table."

She lies down and lifts her skirt, revealing the most maggot-infested minge the man had ever seen. It was wrinkled, bloated, and pimply, with strange, greenish-brown goo flowing from it. She closes her eyes and smiles as he leans over her.

He has no options. He's got to fuck her, otherwise he and the others will die in the worst way possible.

He turns away as he begins to take it out, when suddenly he sees two ears of corn on the counter. He grabs one and fucks her with it, then throws it out the window before she can open her eyes.

"My god," the woman says. "That was the best fuck EVER. Do it again."

"Close your eyes," he whispers. She complies, and he does the deed with the second ear of corn, which goes out the window as soon as possible.

She's writhing with multipule orgasms. Going NUTS. Finally, she gasps:

"There's a Jeep in the backyard, with lots of water bottles in the back, as well as a map in the glove compartment. Thank you so very much."

He goes out the back door, only to find his two friends.

"I got the water."

"Hey, cool. But we just had the best buttered corn EVER."

-----
Needless to say, I was about ten when Daddy dearest told me this. I repeated it for my friends. Unfortunately, my homeroom teacher was also listening in. I got a slap across the face and a week's detention.

Mom wasn't too thrilled when I told it to her, either.
(GirnsieBabes- Ring baloney once! Ring baloney twice! Hey-ya, Kutztown sure is nice!, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:21, Reply)

Harsh
What key can get you in any house or car?
A Darkie!

Whats the difference between Paedo's and acne?
Acne doesnt come on your face untill your 14.
(Songi, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:21, Reply)

A guy's walking home on Xmas Eve......
....coming home from the pub. He's devastated, lost his job,his wife has ran off with the milkman and taken the kids with him. His already morose, drunk mood gets worse when he goes past all the houses, full of Xmas cheer.

Just as his thoughts turn to suicide, he spots Santa Claus emerging from a house.

"Ho, Ho Ho, Merry Xmas", says Santa.
"Sorry mate, nothing merry about my Xmas" says the bloke.
"Why's that my friend?" asks Santa.

As the guy starts to tell his sorry tale, Santa explains that at Xmas, he can make everyones dreams come true and life better. He tells the guy that he can make everything alright for him again, and have the happy Xmas he dreams of.

"But I need you to do something", says Santa
"Anything, anything!!!" says the bloke.
So Santa goes on "Okay then, I'm actually bi-sexual, and I don't get many chances to express my sexuality, so may I take you up the arse?"

The guy is obviously releuctant, but agrees.

So Santa gets to work, he bends the guy over the garden wall, and bots the living Jesus out of him.

Once Santa had shot his festive muck, he turns to the guy and says :
"One question before you leave. May I ask how old you are?"

"Sure" says the bloke "I'm 36"

Santa looks at him and says "36? And you still believe in Santa Claus?????", and runs away!
(Charlie Baked Potato, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:11, Reply)

SHIPWRECKED!
A man and 6 women are shipwrecked on an island. The man is told that he will have to be each of their wives and that he can have one day off. Boy, this is great! I can have sex for six days and then sleep for one. But eventually he is looking more and more forward to that day off. One day he doesn't feel tired so he goes for a walk on the beach and starts skipping stones when suddenly he hears a man yelling. He swims out and pulls his boat ashore. Suddenly, he realizes, I just lost my day off!

Okay, this ones sorta disgusting!

3 men get shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals. They are told to go find 10 of the same fruit and shove it up there ass if they want to escape with their lives. So, they and a cannibal each go out into the woods and come back with 10 fruits. I forgot to mention, if you wince or make a sound you'll be eaten alive on the spot.
The first man has ten small apples, and he gets up to a pretty good six, but then grunts and is eaten. The second man comes back with 10 small berries, about halve a strawberry each. He starts shoving them up and has 8, but then starts laughing uncontrollably. He's eaten and goes to heaven and meets the first guy. I was watching you, why'd you laugh? asked the first guy. Because I saw that dipshit come back with TEN WHOLE LARGE AND POINTY PINEAPPLES!!!!!
(99Luftballons, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:10, Reply)

.
It was a long slow night, and two security guards at the local railway yard were talking about women they'd had.

The first guy tells the second "The other night a girl must have broken into the yard - she was down on the tracks amongst the railway carts. I went out and picked her up, and we hit it off right away! She was hot for me and one thing led to another.. We made love several times that night."

The second guy asks the first: "Well, was she pretty?"

To which the first replies "Don't know, I never found the head."
( Frumbert has no sig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:08, Reply)

The hunchback man
Two guys were travelling together through the country. Some day they arrived in a small town, and decided to stay for a quick rest. They went to a bar, and saw a banner anouncing a big party for that night.
"Hey, let´s stay here for this night, and we depart tomorrow."
"I don´t know, dude."
"But didn´t you look around? Haven´t you noticed that the majority of the people in this town are women? And how most of them are hot? I bet they will all go to this party tonight."
"Ok then, let´s go."

At night, they were in the pub, where the party was taking place. All the women, most of them very atractive (and single) were there, dancing, alone. The two strangers were trying to aproach to every chick, unsuccessfully.

At this moment, a man walks in the pub. He was a midget, ugly, hideous, stinky man with a HUGE hunchback. To the strangers´ surprise, at that same moment, all the girls got excited and ran to see that man. The two looked at each other, saying "what the fuck?"
"How can that... animal atract all the girls, while we, a pair of handsome guys can´t even seem to get their attention?"
"I will find out. I will talk to that hunchback man."

After some minutes, the hunchback man went to the bathroom, and one of the strangers followed him. Inside, he said:
"Hey, you, hunchback man! I wanna ask you something."

To what he replied politely, but with a terribly stinky breath:
"Sure, go ahead."

"Listen, my friend and I are two handsome, rich, intelligent men. You are short, ugly, stinky, and got this huge hunchback. Still, all the women in this town seem to be way more interested on you than on us. How is that possible?"
"Look, I am gonna tell ya a secret."

The hunchback man unzipped his pants and let his dick out. The stranger seemed surprised.

"This is my secret. Every time i show them my dick, they totally fall in love with me. They get so crazy about my dick that they even forget how ugly I am."

"Wow... but that´s a trully beautiful cock! Not that I am gay or something, because I´m not, but... man, this is the prettiest dick I ever saw. If I was a woman, I would fall in love with it........ in fact, if I had a dick like this, I would just keep sucking myself all the time!"

The hunchback man smiled and said:

"How do you think I got this hunchback?"
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:06, Reply)

dont know if these have been done
whats good about shagging twentyeight year olds?

theres 20 of them.

whats the difference between a mercedes and a pile of dead babies?

I dont have a mercedes in my garage.
(nutsgeezer, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:03, Reply)

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with ...and the other you carry your groceries in



I need to stop posting shitty jokes
(Borderline Schizo, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:03, Reply)

Dead infants
Yet ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHER dead baby joke...
Q: What's the difference between 25 dead babies and a porn star?
A. I don't have a porn star lying on my bed

(Not as funny)
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:03, Reply)