I don't know if this has already been posted.
This is the most offensive joke I've ever heard and I've never re-told it before.
_____________________________
There's this guy, and he's having sex with his girlfriend for the first time and she shouts, "stop! please stop! it hurts!"

So he stops for a while, then when she's ready carries on.

A few minutes later she's in pain again, "stop!" she cries, "it really really hurts!"

So again he stops, and gets her to keep him hard with a couple of strokes while she braces herself again.

Off they go again, but he's barely got into his rythm when she screams, "Stop! it's too much! it's excrutiating!"

"Ooh," he says, "that's a long word for a five year old"
________________________________
Like I said. Offensive is oh so many ways.
( NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:41, Reply)

what did the disabled girl get for christmas?
a pizza slicer.



ok, sorry, cancer.
(davey_binbag, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:39, Reply)

How do you know..
.. if your sister`s having a period?
You can taste blood on your dad`s cock.
( a username Tue 30 Mar 1971 til, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:37, Reply)

There's this 12 year old boy having a wank
and his dad comes into the room and catches him in the act. "Don't do that, son." He says. "Save it for your wedding day."
Fast forward many years, the boy is now about 30 and he's about to get married. He asks his dad, "Dad, remember all those years back when you caught me having a wank, and you told me to save it for my wedding day?"
"Yes," says dad, "so?"
"I've saved 2 milk churns worth. What now?"
( mikeyyy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:27, Reply)

blah...
A guy is in Japan for work, and after a long day, he goes to a club and gets a Japanese girl to come home with him. While they're fucking, she screams something in Japanese and he thinks she is saying "harder harder," so he fucks harder, and she screams it again. The next day he goes golfing and his Japanese friend shouts the same thing as the girl last night. He looks again at where he has hit the ball, and sees it is in the wrong hole.
heard it when i was a little kid... aghh maybe that's why i'm so disturbed
(celestie d'etoile, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:26, Reply)

I'm going to burn in hell for these
Q: How do you fit 35 Jews into a Volkswagen?
A: Ashtray

AND

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.


Note: I got these jokes from a Jewish friend, but that doesn't change how much I just damned my ass. Deepest and sincerest apologies.

EDIT: Just remembered.

Q: How do you turn fruits into vegetables?
A: AIDS.

I am so sorry.
(DeadCats, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:23, Reply)

Speed limit
There's a family of Pakis (or Mexicans if you live in California) driving down the freeway. They see a sign that says 70, so they pull over and ten of them get out the car.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:16, Reply)

OK, I'm forced to add mine too then.
Q: What do you call a double jointed thalidomide?

A: A Transformer.



Not that sick, but kinda offensive to some.
(thegreatrobino, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:07, Reply)

Erm..
A bloke goes to the Doctor, and asks for contraception for his daughter on account of the fact that she is too shy to ask for it herself.
"Okay" says Doc, "how old is she?"
"11" comes the reply.
Doctor, reasonably shocked says, "you mean to tell me that at the age of 11 your daughter is sexually active?"
"Oh, no" says the man, "the bitch just lies there, like her mother"

/coat
( bennyhillslovechild, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 2:07, Reply)

Whats the best way to fuck a paraplegic?
Slash his tyres.

The original was told to a girl in a wheelchair, my mate had been flirting all night with her in a club, and she asked him rather openly 'would you like to fuck me?' His response was 'yeah, I'll fuck you, I'll slash your fucking tyres'

I was in hysterics.
He was kicked out.
( Muns, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:45, Reply)

Ooooooh ooooh I remember another
Michael Jackson, Gary Glitter and twenty kids are on a plane, that's hurtling towards certain doom. There are only two parachutes.

Glitter: How do we decide who gets the parachutes?
Jackson: Fuck the kids.
Glitter: Have we got time?

(Probably haven't remembered this right)
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:44, Reply)

When they pulled Di's bodygaurd out of the car
they noticed some blood on his shirt, worried they asked him if he was alright. "Yeah, Nothing to worry about, it's just a bit of Dye (di).

works better verbally.
( Muns, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:43, Reply)

When I was at school 'What's the definition of...' jokes were all the rage
Whats the definition of harsh?
Throwing a grenade under a wheelchairateer and shouting run.

What's the definition of brave?
Spitting through a letterbox, knocking the door and asking how far it went.

What's the definition of stupid?
Throwing a brick through a window and asking for it back.

What's the definition of a rave?
A mongol dancing to a car alarm. Mongol - I'll have none of that spastic or scope bollocks!

*waits for opening of t' fiery chasm*
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:40, Reply)

more michael jackson fun
this is probably the first sick joke I knew, I reember telling it in the playround when I was 7 or so and being the only one who found it funny.

why does Michael Jackson put cheese on his cock?
cos kids'll do anything for the taste of dairylea!

My dad told me this one at about the same age:
Two nuns in a bath.
One says 'where's the soap?'
The other says 'it does, doesn't it?'
he wouldn't tell me what it meant, took me *years* to figure it out...
(crayongirl, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:40, Reply)

Can't beat the classics
What were Rod Hull's last words?
"Emu, grab hold of that fucking gutter!"

Alternatively:
"Fly! You fucker, fly!"
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:32, Reply)

I'm just a little bit disgusted with myself
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decide to open a pub. The Englishman says, "Lets call it The Queens Head", the Scotsman says, "No, no, no, it should be called The Queens Nose" and the Irishman says, "Well I think we should call it The Queens Legs". So after a while they decide on calling the pub The Queens Legs. On the first night of opening a big cue forms outside. Two policemen walking along stop to ask what's going on, to which one man replies "We're waiting for the Queens Legs to open so we can have a drink"
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:28, Reply)

Whats the best thing about sex with twenty two year olds?
there's twenty of them
( Muns, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:27, Reply)

what do you do when you finish fucking a 12 year old girl?
Turn her over onto her front and pretend its a 12 year old boy.

Apologies - the devil made me do it
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:26, Reply)

Sick Message Service
This text costs 10p. That could feed one starving person in Africa for one month. So send this text to ten people and let the niggers die.

/token apology
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:20, Reply)

Where shall I start...
A father and daughter are in the bathroom together, the father strips off and gets in the shower. The girl looks between his legs and asks in a rather perplexed manner. "dad?" she says, "yes my dear?" "When am I going to get one of those between my legs?" "As soon as your mother goes shopping petal."

Last time I told this I was called a sick fuck.
I Managed to rescue it though, by telling this little gem.

A mother and son are showering, the son looks between his own legs, and then between his mothers legs.
"Mum, whats that between your legs?" Thinking on her feet, shes responds "Why, that's where god hit me with a golden axe!" "Fucking hell!" Replies her son "Smacked right in the cunt with a golden axe, that must've hurt."

They immediately left the bar I was tending at the time.
( Muns, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:17, Reply)

If you don't want me to post this shit on t' web, don't send it me. Pah, you'll never learn.
NEWSFLASH - Earthquake in Pakistan, 5000 dead. USA sends food, France sends medicine and Britain sends replacements.
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:16, Reply)

Nuns, aren't they great...
The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven. Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs". The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "O God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

Again sorry.
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:14, Reply)

This girl was 12 years old
and just starting puberty. Her mom thought it was time to teach her some things about sex, but wanted her husband to do it. So the girl´s dad called her for a serious talk:

"Darling, you mother said it´s time to talk about sex... Look, it´s very awkward for me to talk about this to you, so I will say only one thing: when you make love with a boy, never, NEVER do it the other way around."

So the girl grew up, started dating, got a boyfriend, made sex for the first time, second time, got married. She was married for 9 years, when, one night, her husband turned to her and said:

"Honey... how about if we make it the other way around?"
"No darling, no, I told you I would never, NEVER make it the other way around."
"But honey, don´t you wanna have kids?"
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:11, Reply)

If you're not of a racist disposition look away now...
A woman gets onto a bus, pays the fare, takes her ticket and sits down. After a while there is a loud thud. The woman gets up and asks the driver what the thud was, to which the driver says 'It was nothing, I just ran over a Paki'. The the woman slightly shocked goes and sits back down. There is another loud thud, just after the woman sits down. She again asks the driver what the thud was and the drivers reply is the same 'It was nothing, I just ran over a Paki'. More than a bit concerned the woman returns to her seat. A short while later there are two loud thuds. The woman gets up from her seat and storms up to the driver and demands to know what's going on. The driver turns and says to the woman 'I had to go on the pavement to get that one'.

Sorry.
(Letharge, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:09, Reply)

not many people get this one...
probably because it's not that funny. but, hey, you asked for sick, not funny!

what did Helen Keller's parents do when she was bad?
leave the plunger in the toilet!

boom boom!
(crayongirl, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:03, Reply)

in a maternity ward in a hospital somewhere in the UK
a head-doctor is in the final stages of an agonising 12 hour labour.
The mother of the child breathes a huge sigh of relief as the father, tears welling in his eyes, cuts the umbilical cord of his newborn son.

The midwife then takes the child and gently hands him to the doctor. Who then throws the child across the room to his colleague.

The mother, in a primitive act of defensiveness, screams and yelps and cries as the doctor takes the baby on his chest, tees him up with his thigh and punts the baby straight back to the head doctor.
The head doctor catches the child and in the style of a discus thrower hurtles it at the nearest wall. The thud rattles in the mothers' brain and she lets out another guttural scream.

The head-doctor then walks over to the small baby in the corner of the room and picks it up. Gently wrapping it in a tiny blanket he walks over to the mother and hands her her child - a huge grin on his face...

'April Fools! It was dead anyway!'


I told this to joke to my halls of residence buddies after we'd known each other for around 3 months. We were all good mates by then and I felt entirely comfortable telling the joke. One housemate didn't seem too impressed by the joke, she looked at me like i'd just raped her mum and killed her dad. Her aunt had miscarried just two days before.
I told her to stop whining - my mother had miscarried four times and she still found the joke hilarious!
( applehead herp derp, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 1:02, Reply)

*blinks*
I've never seen such a nauseating array of jokes. Good job!
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:58, Reply)

Slightly medical joke
Whats white, round and fucks small children?

Aspirin
(Fishgoth, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:41, Reply)

More sick jokes
Whats the worst thing about fucking a seven year old?

Washing the blood off the clown suit.
(Fishgoth, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:40, Reply)

A vibrator and a banana are on the bedside table.
The banana turns round and says to the vibe "don't know why you're trembling, she's going to eat me later"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 0:32, Reply)