What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Most people can roast beef.
(Pachey, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 16:22, Reply)

the congestion charge. and their idea of photographic evidence, which is a grainy picture of your own licence plate and NOTHING ELSE, NOT EVEN THE FUCKING CAR.

and bus lanes. the fact that you are in one for less than 10 metres but still get a ticket.

but when you've finished paying all these fines, and the extra insurance to live in london, and the parking at £8,000,000,000 per annum...

... some FUCKING TWAT side swipes your car when it's parked outside your own house, and there isn't a single camera in sight to record that, oh no, so that's another £500.

now that's a sick joke.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 15:40, Reply)

.
Q: How do you know when your sister's menstruating?

A: Your dad's cock tastes funny.
(asmallholder, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 15:08, Reply)

.
What has 7 heads, 12 arms and came from a Comet?
Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 13:55, Reply)

I remember this one from primary school.........
Did you hear about the German Evil Knievel?

He tried to jump 50 Jews in a steam roller!!
(happyinoz, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 12:45, Reply)

What's 12 inches long, purple, and keeps mothers screaming all night long?
Cot death
(egglet, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 10:58, Reply)

leprosy
johnny skips up the path, knocks on the door....woman answers...and johnny says...
"can tommy come out to play?"
"no, tommy's got leprosy"
johnny says.."can I come in and watch him rot?"
(purrecious, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 21:43, Reply)

More babies

What's the difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of marbles?

You can't pitchfork marbles.
(scurvy mouse, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 16:19, Reply)

Babies

What's worse than a barrel full of dead babies?

A barrel full of dead babies with a live one at the bottom.
(scurvy mouse, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 16:17, Reply)

Would you?

What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of pig's afterbirth?

You can't gargle sand.
(scurvy mouse, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 16:15, Reply)

...and another....
A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.

A man asks her: "Are they twins?"

Puzzled, the woman replies: "No. one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why do you ask?"

The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"
(dirtbox, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Hull?
Daughter asks father "Can you lend me 20 quid?"

Father says "Only if you give me a blow job"

Daughter says "Leave it out you sick bastard!"

Father says "Well, the offer's there - take it or leave it."

Daughter is really desperate for the money so she finally agrees, she gets on her hands and knees, pulls down his strides and gets his knob out, the cries "That's disgusting, it stinks of shit!"

Father replies "Oh yeah, forgot to mention, your brother wanted to borrow the car earlier..."
(dirtbox, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 14:48, Reply)

ginger joke
Doctor says to new mother: 'There's good news and bad news - the bad news is that the baby is ginger - the good news is that it's dead.'
(dirtbox, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 14:42, Reply)

What do you call a dog with two dicks?
The Pop Idol Judging Panel
(jimcrock, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 14:05, Reply)

^_^
What's the similarity between being in the mafia and licking out a girl?

A slip of the tongue can get you in deep shit.
(Kaziko, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 12:13, Reply)

What's black and blue and doesn't like anal sex?
The little girl tied up in the boot of my car.
(project-2501, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 9:57, Reply)

What's brown and sticky?
Gluey Armstrong.

(@rob2005: sick jokes are supposed to be offensive *and* amusing, not just the former.)
( spacehog, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 9:47, Reply)

sick joke
a black lad is in the kitchen with his mom makin a cake and she tells him to get the flour, he reaches up and the flour falls on his head, he looks at his mom and says look mom im a ghost, look mom im white she chins him and tells him to go and see your dad.

he goes in the front room and tells his dad he is white and he gets chinned again from his dad, so the lad turns round and crys i hate you blacksso he gets hit again

the lad shouts i fuckin hate you all ive been white for ten minutes and i hate niggers
(rob2005, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 0:55, Reply)

sick jokes
whats the best way to stop a muslim or paki from drowdning????


take your foot off their heads..


what do you do if you see a paki 0or muslim drownding ?????

chuck them their wife kids and relatives...


what is the difference between a muslim and a bucket of shit???

the bucket...

whats white and sits on a pile of shit???

a turban
(rob2005, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 0:30, Reply)

No flies on me

Two Flies sitting on a hot steaming turd.



One farts and other one says,
" I say! Do you mind? I'm having my lunch..!"

.
(chrisjw, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 23:54, Reply)

Camels
Old joke from Saudi Arabia, the Worlds biggest beach.

Why are camels called the ship of the Desert?




Because they are full of Arab Semen.

.
(chrisjw, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 23:44, Reply)

babysitting
How do you baby sit a black african child?




Wet it's lips and stick it to the wall....!


.
(chrisjw, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 23:42, Reply)

Drunk in t' pub
A drunk comes into a pub and announces he has no money left.

However he challenges everyone there that he can drink two pints of snot for a real pint of bitter.

The landlord passes two pint mugs around the pub, each customer puts a finger on one side of his nose and blows the other nostril into the mug.

The mugs are now full to the brim, so the landlord passes them to the drunk.

He picks up the first one and downs it in a little under 12 seconds, very impressive.
Customers start to feel a little quesy.

The drunk picks up the second pint and starts to drink the snot.

After two thirds have gone down the hatch - the drunk stops and contemplates the mug.

"Knew you couldn't do it," said the landlord....

"Gis us a chance.." says the drunk, "I'm just chewing the lumpy bits.....!"

------------------------------------------
I've made wimen chuck up with decent timing
and munching effects with this one!

.
(chrisjw, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 23:12, Reply)

Tetraplegics
Q: What do you call a tetraplegic in a raging river?




A: Bob


.
(chrisjw, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 23:02, Reply)

WHEN WILL THE JOKES END!!!!!
In a battalion of the foreign legion there is a new Commandant. He is greeted by the lieutenant who shows him around the fort.
"This is the kitchen, grubs served 3 times a day."
"This is the main barracks all the privates sleep in here"
"This is the officer's mess, you'll be staying in that room"
"Finally this is the stable"
THe new commandant looks around the stable inspecting the horses on show. Most are fin, thoroughbreds, proper cavalry horses. Finally at the end of the row is a decrepid looking camel. He is flea bitten and scraggy and looks half dead.
The commandant asks, "Why is that camel here it looks good for nothing?"
The lieutenant replies "Yeh, the soldiers only use it when they need to relieve sexual tension"
The commandant is shocked by this but reasons, in the deset you've gotta have something to release the tension.
The commandant quickly settles into the daily life of the fort. However after a few weeks he really needs to "let off some steam". Feeling impressed with his integration into the foriegn legion he decides that he should do as the other soldiers do so goes down to the stable one night, drops his trousers and proceeds to shag the camel.
He's about half way through when the lieutenant enters, "What are you doing sir!"
"I'm just relieving my sexual tension using the camel like you said the other men did"
"Well yes but they use it to ride into town to use the brothels there!"
(Phagenius, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 22:05, Reply)

Three lads down on the beach on a summer day, drinking, fooling around, then they see this young woman sunbathing on the beach, only she's a quadriplegic.
They start daring each other to go over to her, the first lad says "'ere watch this" and the other two stand and watch as the first goes over to the woman and asks her if she's ever been kissed. She replies no and he asks if he could which she replies yes so he does.
When he got back to the other two lads, one of them goes "you think that's daring?" and goes over to the woman, asks if she's ever been groped, again she says no and he asks, she replies yes so he does and then goes back to his mates.
The third lad realises he's got to out-do the other two so goes over to the woman and asks if she's ever been fucked, no she replies, to which he says "well now you have, the tide's coming in!"


(ba-dum tish, coat time)
( Haku Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips., Tue 7 Feb 2006, 22:04, Reply)

me favourite
How did the boy with no bones get to the fair?

In a bucket.
(mirkle, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 21:59, Reply)

Now for a very long one that I know i nicked
One day all the children at school are told they're going to give a talk about what their fathers do, and to make their talks more interesting they should come in dressed, if possible, like their fathers. Now, it happens that one little boy's father is a welder so the little boy comes to school wearing a welding mask.

Unfortunately, he can't see very well with the mask. As he comes out of the house, he bumps into a lamp-post. He bumps into a parked car in the street. He's late for school and he bumps into the school gates, and going into the school he bumps into the wall. In fact, he spends the whole day bumping into things and he's glad when four o'clock comes and it's time to go home.

Anyway, he bumps into the classroom door on the way out and he bumps into the teachers and he bumps into the school gates a second time. And now he's running for the school bus but he bumps into a bus-stop and misses the bus so now he's got to walk home. So he's walking along the pavement bumping into things when suddenly a Mercedes pulls up and a man leans out of the window and says in a slimy voice (as I can't write in one) "Little boy! Little boy! Would you like me to give you a lift home?" Now, the little boy has been told lots of times that he shouldn't accept lifts from strangers but he's tired and he's fed up with bumping into things so he says yes and gets into the car. The door closes and they drive off together.

The two of them drive on for a while, and then the man leans over and he says: "Little boy," he says. "Do you know anything about homosexuality?"

The little boy shakes his head.

They drive on a bit more. Then the driver leans over a second time. "Little boy," he says. "Do you know anything about paedophilia?"

Once again, the little boy shakes his head.

And the driver leans over once again. "So tell me, little boy," he says, "do you know anything about buggery?"

And the little boy says, "No. Actually, I think I should tell you. I'm not really a welder."
(Phagenius, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 21:50, Reply)