Balls
Whats the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
( Alabaster Codify wouldn't piss on yr gums if yr teeth were on fire, Thu 23 Feb 2006, 21:36, Reply)

Garage
Whats the difference between a Jaguar X-Type and a pile of dead babies?

I dont have an X-type in my garage.
( Alabaster Codify wouldn't piss on yr gums if yr teeth were on fire, Thu 23 Feb 2006, 21:34, Reply)

Voodoo Dick
A man is always away on business trips, and is worried that his wife will get bored and cheat on him.
So, he goes to a sex shop to try and find something to keep her occupied.
'Do you have something to keep my wife satisfied when I'm away?' he asks the shady proprietor.
'yes..yesss I see you have problem. Come with me...' and he leads the man through a small door to the back of his shop, where he reaches for a small dusty box on a shelf.
'This is the Voodoo Dick', he says, 'just tell your wife to say "Voodoo Dick, my vagina" and the little guy will get to it. When she wants it to stop, she must simply clap her hands twice.'
Later the man gives the Voodoo Dick to his wife, and tells her to say 'Voodoo Dick, my vagina' whenever she feels the Urge.

Wondrous..so he goes off on business the next day and barely has he left the door when Wifey starts getting a bit restless. Stripping off and lying on the bed, she croons 'Voodoo Dick, my pussy'. Instantly the Voodoo Dick leaps off the shelf and starts giving her the rogering of her life. A coupla hours later shes come so many times shes in danger of dehydration, but als her absent-minded hubby forgot to tell her how to stop the Voodoo Dick.
Panicking, she stumbles out of the house and into her car, resolving to find her husband. She's going for about 30 seconds when a ppoliceman notices her orgasm-induced reckless driving and pulls her over.
'Sorry, uhhHH, Officer', shes manages, 'mmmnhhh...It's the Voodoo Dick, I cant stop it!'
'Voodoo Dick, my arse!', replies the copper.

heh heh, sincere lengthbased apologies
(Ouermyhte, Thu 23 Feb 2006, 16:46, Reply)

What do you call
The useless flap of skin above the vagina?

The woman.
(I bape rabies Let's go get Chick-fi-A!, Thu 23 Feb 2006, 3:57, Reply)

A Man phones his boss, let us call him Bert.
BERT: I can't come into work today, Boss. I'm sick.
BOSS: How sick are you?
BERT: I'm in bed with my sister.
(Johnny2 Harrumph!, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 18:10, Reply)

Women
What do you call the piece of skin between a woman's ass + her vagina?



A chinrest
(markman, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 11:25, Reply)

meh
What do you call a gay guy's nutsack?
...
...
...
...
...
...
Mudflaps!
(booner, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 5:40, Reply)

Yet more filth
1. A little boy walks in on his mum having a shower, he stands and stares at her. "Whats that?" he says, pointing to her crotch.
Embaressed and not wanting to talk about the birds and the bees just yet she replies "Oh, err thats where daddy hit me with an axe."

"Oooh right in the cunt".



2. A little girl walks into the bathroom where she find her mum having a shower.
"What are those mummy?" she asks, pointing at her mums breasts.
"Oh these are breasts dear" her mother replies.
"And when will I get those?" the girl asks.
"When you're a bit older dear."
"And whats that mummy?" she asks, pointing at her mums muff.
"Thats my pubic hair" her mother replies.
"And when will I get that?" the girl asks.
"When you're a bit older love, now run along"

So the little girl leaves.

A bit later she returns to find her dad having a shower.

"Whats that daddy?" pointing to her dads chest.
"Well, this is chest hair darling" replies her dad.
"When will I get that?"
"Ahh, you wont get this, its for boys, and girls from Norfolk but we dont live there" he replies.
"And whats that there daddy?" she asks pointing at his nob.
"Thats my penis love."
"And when will I get that?" she asks.
"Later, when your mum goes to bingo"
(chalky_bumface Looks to me like it's Rape O'Clock!, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 20:56, Reply)

Fotze Face
Q. Why did the little boy cross the road

A. He was on his way to the cancer clinic but he got run over by a truck which crushed his spine and became a quadroplegic....but he still had cancer...and then died of pneumonia....slowly.
(chalky_bumface Looks to me like it's Rape O'Clock!, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 20:43, Reply)

More nuns
Probably been posted but wtf:

Three nuns are sent from the convent to town to do the weekly shop. Unfortunately, the road runs through the wild wood, and half way through a gang of wild thieves jump out and rape the nuns mercilessly one after the other. Then they let them go.

The nuns are stunned into silence, but as they approach town, one turns to the other two and says "What on earth is Mother Superior going to say when we tell her we were gang raped twice in one day?" "What do you mean twice" one of the others asks, "Well," says the first, "we do have to come back this way don't we, hee hee".
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 17:41, Reply)

Thalidomide Porn Star
Did you hear about the Thalidomide porn star?

He has an arm the size of a babys cock!
( z0mb13e has a bee in his botnet, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 15:01, Reply)

Blue Granny
:Whats blue and fucks Granny's
Hypothermia!

:What sits in the corner and takes the piss?
A kidney dialissis machine.

:Two cows in a field, one says "I'm not scared of mad cow disease", the other says "oh really why not?" The first replies "Because I'm a helicopter".

:Woman sucking cock
She loves it!

Anyone else spotted that everyone is copying the FHM joke book!

Anyone posted that true? Story, yet about the squady and the snapping turtle, or the one about the guy who steps in shit and says to the big punk, I just did that.
(ruud316, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 12:59, Reply)

Troll
What's the difference between a Troll?

One of it's legs are both the same.

Errrrr
(ruud316, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 12:52, Reply)

A bit long but......................
Three guys are in a pub chattaing about how nothing exciting happens to them anymore. One of them hits upon the idea that they should all get smashed, go home and whatever their wives say they should take literally thus giving them each an amusing story for the following week.

So they get drunk and head their seperate ways

The following week they all meet up and tell their stories.
Firstly a battered looking Dave goes first.

"Well when i got home i fell over the gate, smashed a milk bottle and crashed into the front door. The wife opened it and said Well wake the whole street up why don't you!!
So i did."

They all have a chuckle at Daves story then a frazzled looking Mike steps up.
"Thats nothing, when i got in i sparked up a fag and dropped it on the carpet. So the wife says well burn the bloody house down why dont you?
So i did."

Again they all chuckle and then they turn to Pete as he places a carrier bag full of rancid meat and what seemed to be hair on the table.
"Well thats nothing, when i got home i felt really horny so i went up the bedroom, got into bed and started to finger the wife. She turned to me and said well you can cut that out for a start..............."
(Hazyboy, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 12:17, Reply)

It's not mine, I swear!
How do you crucify a spastic?
On a swastika.
(jayj101, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 10:05, Reply)

There were 3 pregnant women in a maternity ward...
Each of them was knitting baby-gro's for the future children.

The 1st one says 'I hope I have a boy 'cos I've only got blue wool left'

The 2nd replies, 'Well, I hope I have a girl; I've only got pink wool left'.

The 3rd one chips in with, 'I hope to god I have a spastic 'cos I've really fucked this pattern up'.


[I'm going to hell for sure. :o)]
(gazzamoose, Mon 20 Feb 2006, 23:55, Reply)

I met a girl with a seashell tattoo on her thigh.
If you put your ear to it, you could smell the sea.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Mon 20 Feb 2006, 21:08, Reply)

babies :)
whats pink & sits in a corner & gets smaller & smaller?
a baby with a potato peeler

whats pink, short & cant turn round in corridors?
a baby with a spear thru its head

whats pink & goes round & round?
a baby stuck in the washing machine

ok there are loads more but i guess u can see the theme here :)
( catswhiskers the cats mother, Mon 20 Feb 2006, 18:47, Reply)

First blow job
As told down the pub many, many years ago.... by myself I may add...

"What does a girl say after her first blow job?"

Take a quick slurp of your pint (after saying the above as this also adds to the comic timing) but don't swallow... wait for the "I dunno!" answers....

Say through the beer and let it dribble everywhere - "I wuv yooooo!"

The first time I told that I thought I'd have to get my coat..... but the entire pub who saw it pissed themselves after a very long pause.

Unfortunately it's one of those jokes that people ask you to tell over, and fucking over again for those who missed it.
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Mon 20 Feb 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Sorry, it's supposed to read...
Funny, if you do the actions
"What does the cum of a 12 yr old boy smell like?"

- Dunno

(Exhale)
(Stinkfinger, Sun 19 Feb 2006, 23:20, Reply)

Funny, if you do the actions
"What does the cum of a 12 yr old boy smell like?"

- Dunno
(Stinkfinger, Sun 19 Feb 2006, 23:19, Reply)

Cinderella Story
Q. What happened to Cinderella when she got to the ball?

A. She choked!!!
(nun_on_parole, Sun 19 Feb 2006, 14:13, Reply)

holy nonsense- knickers!
SEX is one of the most interesting, hilarious and head-shaker topic that we can talk about. This is a true story and it's not even 24-hours old....I was chatting to a lady @yashoo.com. she was telling me that she doesnt wear undies and suggesting it's 'sexy w/o underwears'...I told her, "I agree, and my imagination runs wild everytime i hear that someone(woman) isn't wearing underwear..." "But everything has a purpose," I continued. "The chair has been invented to support & catch ASSES,...the brassiers to support & catch tits,...the jocks to support & catch balls,..." She replied quickly, "but the 'pussy-cat' doesnt dangle & therefore doesnt need a support nor a catcher!" "Honey", I told her, "read my sign-name carefully - nun_on_parole - am a nun & i dont care about shaving; and even if am not a nun I have to wear knickers 'cos its gonna catch the pubes and the crunchy, chessy crusts!!!" She called me a disgusting, impostor nun and left the chat. I was messing around with the purpose of knickers but i was damn serious too.
(nun_on_parole, Sun 19 Feb 2006, 10:53, Reply)

What do you call 0 dead Man United fans?
A problem.

What do you call 1 dead Man U fan?
A result.

What do you call 2 dead Man U fans?
Holly and Jessica.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Sun 19 Feb 2006, 8:30, Reply)

2 Nuns getting raped in the park
The first nun says "Forgive them father for they not know what they are doing". The Second nun replies " Jesus Christ this fucker does"
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 21:32, Reply)

What's black and white and tells the pope to fuck off?
A nun who's won the lottery.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 20:44, Reply)

Why did the cowboy get shit on his moustache?
He was looking for love in the wrong places.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 20:29, Reply)

Why didn't Hitler drink vodka?
It made him mean.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 20:12, Reply)

Why did the gay get fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Ward round ICU
True story

The consultant is reviewing the patient and asks the registrar for a summary.

"I'm sorry to say we suspect he is brain damaged sir."

Senior Nurse asks "What should we do next?"

Consultant looks at the notes, snaps them shut and says "Elect him to the Hospital management committee, should fit in nicely."

I wos there.
(chrisjw, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 11:52, Reply)