I was the unpopular kid
So I never smoked when I was in school. The first time I tried a cigarette, a girl I was trying to sleep with (later succeeded) left a cigarette burning when she went to the washroom, so I tried a bit. Tasted like broccoli I thought.

Second time, I was in Beijing for a punk show, and this French skinhead told me I had to smoke because "it's the Chinese way." He gave me a cigarette and I got halfway through it before throwing it away. It did make me feel kind of cool, anyway. I stopped talking to him after he mistook my wife for a Chinese prostitute.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 2:50, Reply)

Smoking Nazis
I fucking HATE the smoking police. You know the type, the kind of people who are 'trying to make the world a better place' by pissing you off about your smoking habit.

"Don't you know how bad it is for your health?" Well, yes actually, I do. And I choose to do it anyway. Do I stand over you when you're having a drink, yelling, "Don't you know what that's doing to your liver?" or sneak up behind you while you're starting your car, and scream, "Don't you know what you're doing to the environment?" No, I fucking don't, so what gives you the right to lecture ME about MY health, you cunt?

"But it's antisocial." No it fucking isn't. I have met two (now ex-) girlfriends and numerous one-night stands while outside the pub having a smoke. I've chatted to strangers, told jokes, and have even had a conversation with a random Frenchman about wine (I advised him he should try Buckfast, seeing as he'd never heard of it). Also, I work in a place where most of the workplace smoke, and it's actually antisocial not to smoke, seeing as you're sat in the canteen yourself like a lonely twat.

"It could kill you" Well so could crossing the road, and I'm not going to stop doing that. Many things in life that are enjoyable could kill you. Extreme sports, for one, but I don't see you harrassing sky divers or rock climbers. Prick.

"I used to smoke, and..." What, like that somehow gives you the right to lecture me on my habits? I'll give up when I choose to, just like you did. Now fuck off.

The health education boards adverts are the worst - they seem determined to portray us smokers as evil, baby-killing, disease carriers who will burn down your house if you're not careful. And, before anyone accuses me of being insensitive, I do know someone who died of lung cancer - my Gran, in fact. It wasn't pretty, but I've also known someone who died in a road traffic accident, and I'm not about to stop driving a car.

At the end of the day, I enjoy smoking - it relaxes me, it tastes amazing after your first pint or a big meal, even better after sex. It can be a tool for contemplation, it can be a morning pick-me-up, a piece offering after a big fight, an excuse for a natter, and many more things beside.

So it may smell, and yes, it may even kill you, but nothing's perfect. I'll just come out and say it - I love smoking!

_{This post was paid for by the American Tobacco Association}
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 2:41, 19 replies)

Darwin

I formulated a theory about smoking some time back and came to the conclusion that smoking is a form of natural selection.

You see, smoking kills off the weak. It gives them cancer, heart-disease, asthma, pleurisy and a whole host of other aliments that sends them off to early graves, often before they can reproduce.

But for the people with superior, strong genes, we just shrug off the bad effects of ciggarettes and carry on looking cool and hard as nails.

Of course, there is a similar theory to do with natural selection and smoking and that is that it kills off the stupid in the population - but I don't agree with this one.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 2:34, Reply)

I'm so cool.
I was 11, then, and even now, 10 years later, I still can't think of any sound justification to this.

I was at a survival night, groups of five of us were put in a field with a bunch of sticks, a box of matches, a newspaper, a loaf of bread and massive plastic sheet, we were supposed to get through the night on our own.

Come about 11 o'clock, we're all bored of the whole exciting camping adventure, so we decided to make 'cigarettes' using torn up newspaper, and grass.

We spent the rest of the night choking from inhaling paper smoke.
(Pixelpops, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 2:32, Reply)

Not once
Don't smoke, saw two grandparents die to the cancer sticks so I've kept my distance.


I was hoping for a good QOTW to keep me company, I have to go back to uni early to get work done. Hope that in a week there will be a whats the funniest kitten question.

Length? 2 weeks alone, I may have to start smoking to end the dull existance, especialy with questions like this!
(Mong goose, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 2:10, Reply)

first time I had a fag
was when the ice cream van ran out out of ice cream

and I woke up to find a nice cup of tea next to my bed

in my lucky blue coat
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:58, 1 reply)

Lamest Question of the week ever
had a cig at about 14, inhaled, went dizzy....

That's it...*

Now for a few hundred exact replies. pfft.


*Actually not quite 'it' as i still smoke, I know it's bad for you, but i might get hit by a bus tomorrow.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:43, Reply)

Hey! I Can Blow Smoke Out Of My Ears

Sitting in a bar in Newcastle chatting to a few mates when one of the crowd started blowing smoke -rings.

"Think that's cool?" I said "I can blow smoke rings out of my ears"

"Bollocks you can" piped up Dumb-Dave "That's impossible"

"You do know that your ears and your throat are connected?" I asked "There's a wee tube that connects them, called the Eustachian Tube, - that's why when you swallow, your ears sometimes pop. Well I've found that by taking a mouthful of smoke, holding my nose and blowing, I can force smoke out of my ears. Of course, making it into smoke rings took me a hell of a time to learn. It's all down to muscle control"

Dumb Dave looked doubtful but was starting to be convinced.

"Come here and I'll show you"

So Dave came over and sat opposite me.

"Now watch very closely. They're not very big" I said.

So Dave leaned forward and I took a drag on a cigarette and held my nose. Dave stared at my ears intently, waiting for the miracle, and I moved my right hand forward a few inches and stubbed the fag out on the back of his hand.

"YEEEOOWWWW" screamed Dave

"Did you see it?" I grinned.

"You BASTARD!" says the crowd....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:32, 3 replies)

Smoke? Smoke?

I never smoke.





Except when I'm on fire.



*runs*
( FreudianSlap, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:14, Reply)

I was a late starter
18 I think, when I sampled my first Consulate.
19 when I had my first ham shank.
My first ever vibrator was purchased at the age of 20 and it distinctly resembled a cigar.
So, on that tenuous link, and as the qotw has changed earlier than expected, here is a story about

My First Vibrator

Most of us have been caught in the act of ultimate self-indulgence - by a parent / carer / proper grown-up at one time or another. Usually in our teens.

As I said above, I didn't discover the joys of creamy self love 'til I hit 20.
Cue purchase of First Vibrator.
It was hearing-aid beige and ribbed from root to tip.
Hours and hours ON END of pleasure.
Until it went for a shit.
Being an electrician's daughter, I had half an idea what might have gone wrong with toy.
Having already left home, I conjured up some lame excuse of wanting to catch up with my folks - why not make a night of it and sleep over?

I waited until both parents had hit the sack - gave them half an hour to doze off - then went in search of Daddy's Soldering Iron.

I was well-oiled in the use of t'soldering iron, had been "Daddy's Little Helper" since nipperhood.

Found the soldering iron. And the solder. And the bit resin stuff. Set about the surgery. Scalpel to the BOTTOM END, rotating 45 degrees.........

Expansion clamps in situ...........

Solder/surgery complete success. Bandaged the patient's wound with thick black NCB insulating tape.


I tentatively turned the end, not sure what reaction to expect.....

My beloved beige bell end sprang into life, growling Aston Martin DB9 style.

Eager to perform a test drive, yet anxious not to push me luck with the sleeping household, prudent methinks, to bide my time.......

Thus, I stole myself to procrastinate.
Proper grown-up-getty-up time the following morning, both parents exit to Downstairs.
Hoofuckingray! Nobody within earshot.

Jeremy Clarkson is about to test drive the DB9

The powerful engine springs into life!
Young Tourettes is literally in the throes of passion - ribbed rubber ruminator is doing it's thing.........

oooooooohhhhh............

aaaarrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........

Yeah-yeah-yeah-oh-my-fucking-sweet-jesus....

pant-pant-pant-sniff-pant-etc.

My mother enters the room.
What USED to be my room.
Tis now the spare room.

This is what she says.........

"I was about to go up the street for a bit of shopping.
I was wondering if you'd like to come.........????
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:10, 5 replies)

Never have done, never will.
Yeah, I'm one of those boring types who's never even tried one. My lungs are already fucked, thanks to my asthma, which guarantees me at least one trip to casualty a year. Sometimes I get to go twice!

I am shocked and disappointed that two of my favourite lecturers, Dr Dreamy and Dr Hotty smoke. You would think they'd know better *tuts disapprovingly*
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:09, Reply)

My first one
was a B&H I recall. Nothing exciting happened really. 2 more were had by me in the evening and then my mates rolled a doobie.

My missus on the other hand had a bit of a shocker. Shes a bit on the light side of things (she's a skinny bint) and she wanted to take up smoking because she was curious.

Now, my favourite brand is Lucky Strikes. Heavy stuff. The full strength ones I get off the internet (the ones in shops are nothing like these - honestly, they're more like a cigars).

She put one of these beauties to her lips, which I lit. She inhaled deeply. A bit too deeply. She started coughing. Alot.

So much so she ended up falling down the bloody stairs, ending up breaking a leg on the plummet.

She's all better now and still smoking. But not Luckies. Those give her bad memories apparantley.
(tangentboy strikes again, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 0:58, Reply)

my friend...
didn't know that grass was slang for marihuana. So when he overheard some people talking about how they smoked grass, he thought that it would be a good idea...its free and easy to get hold of.

So he plucks a handful of grass, rolls it into a sort of cigar shape, put that in some plain A4 paper and turned it into a really crap splif.

It gave him a huge headache and he had to go home from scout camp early. Ha. That will show him.
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Thu 20 Mar 2008, 0:38, Reply)

I really did take up smoking to be cool.
I went to a girls' school between the ages of 11 to 16. Funnily enough, I didn't realise I fancied women till after this period of my life, but that's another story entirely. I just firmly believe that gratuitous lesbian references spice up something otherwise mundane something chronic. Ah, lesbians...

Where was I? Ah yes, my first cigarette. It was my first week of sixth form college, and after finally getting over the excitement of Being Educated With Boys and Getting To Wear My Own Clothes, I noticed something.

All the cool kids hung out in the smoking area.

My best friend (random lesbian subplot: she was the one in my story for the "Intense Friendships" QOTW answer many moons ago, that luscious-lipped lovely with vast heaving bosoms) decided we had to join them. We had to become them. So she bought ten Silk Cut, and we scooted over to The Concrete Car Park Behind The Refectory.

We fannied about (alas, this is not a lesbian reference)trying to light the damn thing; I finally remembered that one had to inhale while lighting for it to, you know, work.

The cigarette made its way from her pouting lips to my hand. I slowly raised it to my lips, fully conscious that I was doing something that was Very Bad For Me and Somewhat Rebellious. Would I cough? Would I vomit? Would my face instantly shrivel into that cat's arse that middle-aged female smokers tend to have?

It was alright actually. Tasted OK in my mouth--at this point in time, I had no point of comparison, only later did I learn that Silk Cuts taste like slightly stale farts. No Grange Hill style coughing fits.

A week later I discovered how to inhale smoke, and I was greeted with that first rapturous head rush. It was like a choir of angels: my knees trembled like an orgasm and my head was full of joy.

Did the strategy work? Hell yeah. I'm still friends with the people we met in the smoking area. We all still smoke.

Fun fact: I am a qualified NHS Smoking Cessation Advisor.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 0:05, Reply)

ha
im a retard....

i didnt realise the QOTW had changed until i was halfway down the page and thought "hmmmmmmm...smoking seems to be a lot of people's guilty secret at the moment"

To answer the QOTW: i've never smoked (not an anmusing story really)

my life is so boring :(
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 23:55, Reply)

Sobranie COCKtails
Every Christmas.

Mmmmmmmmmmm.........

I like the *pink ones* with a *glowing end*.
Black Russians do one no harm either.
Bollocks to the new regime - we smokers fund the feckin' NHS!
Put that in your pipe & smoke it, Mr My-eyebrows-match-neither-my-head-nor-my-pubes!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 23:53, Reply)

"ooh, look at us, we're soo cool, we've just collectively bought a pack of ciggies because we've just turned sixteen!"
said the kids on oor block. I, as an eighteen year old who had never smoked before, observed them from afar.

"here, hexy, try one of these!"
"try one? I smoke all the time."
"Do you? WOW OMG THAT'S SO COOL"
They give me a cigarette. I puff away nonchalantly and they look upon me with a look not dissimilar to the look you would give the knees of some bees. I do this for quite some time, all the while thinking 'hey, this isn't so bad!'

Cue two months later when I'm out at the pub with a friend of mine and she points out that you have to actually inhale the smoke. I do, and have to leave the room coughing.

woo, embarassing!
( hexachordal la la la la la, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 23:49, Reply)

Smoking fun stories
My Dad used to smoke a pipe. About age 5, in the car, I asked him what it was like. He handed me the lit pipe (Player's Navy Cut - filthy stuff) and I puffed happily away at it.

Then he pointed out that I wasn't supposed to be blowing. Suck. Cough. Hack. Spit. Cough. Gulp. Never smoked again.

My cousins once booby-trapped my Aunt's fags with comedy bangers. You get them in packs of 3, so after the 3rd one went bang, she relaxed. Unfortunately, they had bought 7 packets and had booby-trapped every last one of the 20 in the pack. It was Christmas day, so nowhere was open to buy a replacement pack. By the end of the day she was in a bad way, oscillating between nicotine fit and stressful anticipation of the next explosion.

Oh, and another one. I used to dip my Dad's matches in either sodium chlorate solution (woof) or sodium silicate solution (fsss). Again, stress-inducing fun.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 23:41, Reply)

Start, stop, start, stop, start again...
18 years old when I had my first one. A Consulate, if I remember rightly - menthol, otherwise known as 'starters tabs'. I quite enjoyed it, despite having vowed I would never do it - my mum smoked, and I hated it. Hated the smell, but probably more importantly, really hated being woken up at 7 o'clock in the morning by her to go and buy some from the only place open at that time in the morning - half a mile away.

In winter. In the fucking dark. I think I was about 9 at the time.

Flash-forward a few years and I'm at college. Recently split from my first love, who also smoked, and which I relentlessly nagged her to stop doing - maybe that's why she dumped me? So one night, having been on a particularly heavy session, I bummed said Consulate from my mate, and there started a few months of irregular weed inhalation.

Then I stopped, quite suddenly. Don't know why, but I did. Never missed it, once.

Flash forward again about 13 years. History repeats itself, I've just split from the ex wife and am indulging in a heavy social lifestyle, drinking myself into a stupor most nights and being late for work the next day. It happens again - this time on a works training course in Cheltenham. There's a group of us from the same office, a couple of whom smoke socially.

Again I blag a cigarette, this time from Dave - Marlboro light. Again I enjoy it, but this time my head spins and after a few more, I'm feeling quite dizzy from the combination of alcohol and nicotine. The next morning, I threw up violently in the hotel bathroom. I spent the rest of the day, on the training course (curiously it had a self-discipline theme to it), feeling decidedly ill and not a little spaced out.

But then, the social life kicked in big time. Anytime there was a Newcastle game on, I'd join Dave and some of his mates in the pub, and we'd smoke and drink ourselves to oblivion, regardless of the result. This was at the time when Newcastle seemed to win an awful lot of games though - 6-1 against Everton (I think - I was very very drunk) was a high point.

A couple of months later, I stopped, and once more didn't really miss it. Some months later, however, I got a call from Dave. He and his mates were on a night out in my town of residence, and forced me to come and join them. A good night was had, and we ended up in the town's one (at the time) late night establishment, HQ. A meat market, basically, and not a place I would usually go. But what the hell, I hadn't seen Dave for a few months, he having moved jobs, and I was having a good time. Plus, 2 o'clock licence = more beer, and I wasn't remotely drunk yet - by this stage in my life, it took a hell of a lot to get me rubber-legged, and I was up for more.

And then it happened. Dave got chatting to a bunch of women on a night out, and decided that one of the group would be right for me. Or I would be right for her. We got chatting, me somewhat nervously, having not really chatted to a woman in that context recently. Mostly I just dived in there and ended up regretting it in the morning. But this seemed different...

Possibly sensing my nervousness, she offered me a cigarette. A Marlboro Red, which I accepted. It blew my brains out, literally - these things can make your lungs bleed from 10 paces. We smoked, we chatted, we smoked some more. Her friends left, Dave and his mates went to get their minibus home, and we were left alone.

More beer, more smokes, more chat ensued. I felt relaxed, more than I had for some time. She had missed her lift home, I lived just up the street (literally a 2 minute walk away). I suggested she come back to mine for a coffee and she could ring a cab, she agreed. Off we went.

We did just have coffee, and ended up listening to Iggy Pop and the Cult. Oh, and having some more smokes. We agreed to meet up the following week, and off she went when her taxi came 40 minutes later.

My smoking became a bit more regular then, but only at weekends. Until about 6 months later, when I realised that Consulates were still available, and I moved off the Marlboro reds (too harsh), and returned to my first love - menthols.

Five years later, I'm still on them... anything so minty can't be doing any harm, can it..?

And that's how I met Tourette's, and how she permanentley corrupted me...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 23:20, 1 reply)

Only when I'm pissed.
I don't smoke. I have never had the smoking habit. So why, when I've had a pint or nine do I invariably feel the urge to light up?
It's not as if I actually inhale the bloody things. They just hang out of the corner of my gob dropping ash in my pint. Or protrude from between clenched teeth in the style of Hannibal Smith. Is my subconscious trying to tell me that I need to be cooler?
First fag? Can't remember but it was probably horrible. Sorry.
(Big D, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 22:58, Reply)

Ardler 83
being a bit younger than some of the kids i aspired to be like, i was often coaxed into trying new things including adding the word c*nt into my vocabulary, snorting washing powder, and of course trying cigarettes. not one to let my peers down i dragged really hard on it like they said, inhaled it until my lungs burned, and coughed and spluttered around dizzily for a while. i think i was 6 or 7 at the time. i was affectionately named 'mad mental barry'
(bazamatazz, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 22:48, Reply)

Not me, my uncle...
My uncle fancied himself as a smoker but never partook until the age of twelve.

That fateful day, the bathroom was occupied, but his nigh-on incontinent granny needed to go and she needed to go right now!

He caught her pissing in the kitchen sink and threatened to tell his mum unless granny slipped him the occasional woodbine.

Granny, doubtless fearful of being "put in a home" complied with this extortion and set old unc up for a thirty-year smoking career culminating in his early demise. She won that one, I think...
(apologies_for_length, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 22:47, Reply)

Pleural Drift
You often hear how dirty the lungs of smokers are supposed to be. I once worked on a project where we looked at samples of lung tissue from both smokers & nonsmokers. Surprisingly, the tissue from both populations looked alike: nice and clean.

Particles from smoke that deposit in the lungs are captured by cells called phagocytes. The cells then transport their load of particles outward across the lungs, in a process called pleural drift, around and through blood vessels and air sacs, until they reach the outer surface of the lung, called the pleural membrane, where they dump the particles.

So, the lymph nodes of smokers, and the pleural membranes, are quite dirty, but the inside of the lungs are quite nice. Apparently if the lung interiors actually get dirty, you die fast.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 22:43, Reply)

First smoke?
I was 13. My mother used to smoke, so I nicked a dog-end and smoked it down by the bins in our garden. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed it. I actually inhaled aswell, since I had watched my mother doing it most of my life. I enjoyed the taste, and the feeling as the nicotine hit my system. I tried my first spliff that year too.

Now I'm on 10-20 a day, can't run for long without wheezing and coughing shit up, I smoke weed whenever I can, I can roll cigarettes and spliffs perfectly, I can smoke anything that's handed to me. I smoke cigars like cigarettes. I really need a cigarette right now. Not bad for a 17 year old, eh?





Don't smoke.
(Ethong is enjoying Cardiff. Especially Bogiez., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 22:29, 1 reply)

As ever, I did it backwards
I know many people who smoke and who disliked their first cigarette- one chap I know was even lavishly sick and yet now enjoys 20 a day.

I had my first and only cigarette (a Marlboro medium for the record) at 13. It was amazing- a long drag got parts of my brain responding in ways they hadn't done before. I had a slight feeling of lightheadedness but otherwise I felt ridiculously good.

Why then, do I not smoke like a chimney? Well, I was so unsettled by how good that cheeky snout was, that I left it there and then. I wasn't so much worried about my health (13 year olds don't die do they?) but even in 1994 tobacco was expensive and I suspected I'd go broke.

I've made up for it with too much booze, and a period of heady amphetamine and acid use as well so my early attempts at preservation fell over soon enough.

Length? Not a king size one in this case.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 22:12, Reply)

Started with Weed
Was never a smoker till I was 14 when every friday lunchtime me and my mate (who shall remain nameless) used to go back to his house and get high before going back to classes and falling asleep in double science, great days! Anyways first real cigarette was feckin minging, made my eyes water, made me never want one again! now at the age of 20 I had a 30 a day habit until last week when i simply quit, cold turkey...been completely mental for a week but almost done it (so i keep telling myself as i climb up the walls), nice and cheap and no scornful looks from people in the chemists etc.

so yeah first cigarette should have been a warning not to keep going, came out of the sheer boredom of living in a tiny village and wanting to be rebellious. it's not cool
(Freak on a Leash is jerking off to centre himself on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 21:54, 1 reply)

Never have.....for 3 reasons
1. It gives you a cats arse mouth (i.e. the lines around the mouth as seen on 40/50 yr old female smokers); and

2. If you're unlucky enough to get mouth cancer, to remove it quite often they have to split your jaw like something out of Blade 2.

3. So I don't end up looking like my aunt who is in her 50s and looks at least 80, thanks to 40 years of chainsmoking.
(ninja chinchilla, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 21:40, 3 replies)

Chemistry lessons
At high school we were at the stage where they were teaching us really useful stuff - sex education and the reactivity of metals.
Due to health and safety (or more likely because the teacher knew us too well, even though we were top set) we weren't allowed to chuck caesium and rubidium into buckets of water and had to settle with sodium, magnesium and potassium.

The magnesium came in a nice roll which someone half inched and it came to break time which allowed groups of people to go off down to the bottom of the grass bank out of sight of the teachers for their morning's nicotine fix.

We convinced the person who had brought the tobacco and papers that day that smoking a fag which had a couple of strips of said magnesium rolled into it would give it much more of a kick (we convinced him using our knowledge of SCIENCE).

We pretended to play football while they went off for their smoke but got bored because nothing happened. Then all of a sudden expletives were heard and we turned to see a huge cloud of white smoke rising up from below the school yard followed by some sheepish looking smokers coming back up the embankment (I'm sure one of them had less eyebrow than before).

That was our laugh for the day. We gave them the rest of the roll of magnesium but don't know what they did with it.

Length? 100mm in the fag and about 2m left on the roll.
( thistle, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 21:35, Reply)

The first time I tried smoking
I threw up. All over the place. No, seriously. Never did it again.

I don't mind a bit of weed occasionally, as long as it's a blunt.

This QOTW is a bit boring, actually.
(Kristow bored as usual!, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 21:24, Reply)