Carolina - Shaggy
I was in the 6th form when this song was released and, if I hadn't just looked up the lyrics, would still be convinced the song went
'o carolina, ba-nah, jumping bras'

And then there were the real words to Mary has a little lamb...

Mary had a little lamb
She thought it rather silly
She threw it up in the air
And caught it by his..

Willy was a watchdog
Lying in the grass
Along came a bumble bee
And stung him up his..

Ask no questions
Tell no lies
Have you ever seen
a policeman doing up his..

Flies are a nuisance
Bees are worst
And that's the end
Of my silly little verse
(TornadoDivine, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 19:08, Reply)

here was one for the protest march against top-up fees
my grant check lies over the ocean
my grant check lies over the sea
my grant check lies over the ocean
oh bring back my grnt check to me

bring back bring back
oh bring back my grant check to me
TO ME
bring back bring back
oh bring back my grant check to me

my overdraft's over the limit
my bank manager's pissed off at me
my overdraft's over the limit
so bring back my grant check to me

bring back bring back
oh bring back my grant check to me
TO ME
bring back bring back
oh bring back my grant check to me

I'm selling my kidneys to science
to pay off my tuition fees
i'm selling my kidneys to science
so bring back my grant check to me


ALSO

Education is a right
is a right
is a right
education is a right
not a privilige

tony blair is a right
is a right
is a right
tony blair is a right
TORY BASTARD
( eponymous Oh!, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 19:07, Reply)

smashing pumpkins - bullet with butterfly wings
even though i know
i suppose i'll show
all my crule and cold
LIGHTBULB JOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
( eponymous Oh!, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 18:59, Reply)

Madonna
Before I realised that Madonna has had a complete Humour Bypass I genuinely believed she was singing
"I'm going to dress you up in Nylon...
All over your body..."
Was bitterly disappointed to find out years later that the words are actually My Love, not Nylon. Ho hum tedium.
(O'Lay, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 18:56, Reply)

Ah, to be a Dad
My dad will quite purposefully come up with the weirdest ones:

"I don't care what gay men know,
I don't care what gay men say,
Cletus is just all right for me."

and

"Shower with people you love to love."

are two of his more memorable butcherings.
(notcarlos, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 18:40, Reply)

Cowdenbeath you say?
(To the tune of the Addam's Family)

They're dirty and they're smelly
They come from near Lochgelly
They havenae got a telly
The Cowden family!
(weirzbowski, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 16:55, Reply)

mangling lyrics is fun!
One from the schoolyard days, mocking "Seasons In the Sun" by Terry Jacks:

We had joy, we had fun
We were streaking in the sun
But the cops, they had guns
And they shot us in the buns

Later, when Quiet Riot hit big with "Come On Feel The Noize" my friends and I mangled it thus:

Come on, feel the boys
Girls, use your toys
We'll get wet, wet, wet
Wet, wet wet

Such a dignified lot we were.
( Shiksa, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 16:48, Reply)

ahem, ahem,
cucumber mi'lord, cucumber,
cucumber mi'lord, cucumber,

cucumber mi'lord, cucumber,
oh loooord cucumber.

someone's crying mi'lord, cucumber
someone's crying mi'lord, cucumber

someone's crying mi'lord, cucumber
oh loooord, cucumber



-to the tune of 'when the saints go marching in;'

there was a coo (there was a coo)

on yonder hill (on yonder hill)

there was a coo on yonder hill,
it's no there noo, it must have shifted,
there was a coo on yonder hill.

As sang at cowdenbeath football matches, inspired by Mcgonagle's poem;

on yonder hill there stood a coo,
it must have moved, it's no there noo
( null and void, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 16:44, Reply)

Marie Osmond's Paper Condoms
I used to sing this version of Donny & Marie Osmond's Paper Roses. Or maybe it was just Marie on her own - who cares, my lyrics are far superior.
' I realised when I had missed my monthly,
With shock I nearly fainted on the floor.
And so to get myself a good abortion,
I set myself in business as a whore.'
(chorus):
Paper Condoms, Paper Condoms
Oh how real those condoms seemed to me
But they're only...
Imitation
Now I'm eight months pregnant and I have V.D.
(O'Lay, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 15:29, Reply)

just a few seconds ago i was singing
To the tune of macho man "Klu-klux-klan i wana be in the klu-klux-klan, Klu-klux-kla-aaan i want to be a Kleagle" (kleagle \kleagle\ n.
An officer, especially an attorney, of the Ku Klux Klan).... thats what american history does to you these days. They gave us copies of the enrolement form and a diagram of the ranks where my friend assigned each kid in my class a rank. It fitted exactly ... dont you think there is something funny going on?
(SPoRk, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 15:11, Reply)

very childish one
in primary school .. our assembly song was chatanooga choo choo for one week so we all went off to learn it. There was one teacher who thought he was clever by telling us all a story about a man called roy and a cat chewing his shoes. Anyway it ended out that the cat was found and the line "parodon me boy is that the chatanooga choo choo?" was replaced by "pardon me roy, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?" Anyway Mrs lilly (Willy) the music teacher got such a shock when the whole school including all the teachers sang that at the school assembly. She chased the library teacher around the library block trying to hit him with a magazine. AHH she always was a hoar.
(SPoRk, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 14:42, Reply)

Primary school assembly
The was some song that went "..and all the trees in the fields shall clap their hands...", I got a merit for singing so loudly and clearly, "..and all the trees in the fields shall crap their pants...".
(project-2501, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 14:13, Reply)

Singing the wrong words wrong
From the Eurythmics - Love is a stranger

Lyrics i was hearing..
"and i want to suck his circumsision""
Actual Lyrics
"and i want you so its an obsession"

I bet my mates thought i was an uphill gardener singing that!!
(Monkeys Uncle, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 13:51, Reply)

Ooh remembered another
Apologies for the crude racist nature of this one but we were only little lads then. To the tune of Uptown Girl by Bill Joel

Uptown Wog
He's been living in a downtown bog
I bet he hasn't had a wash in years
Thats why he's got those funny coloured ears
Cos he's a black
(garrison, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 13:41, Reply)

Thats life :)
When there was all that fuss about that terminally ill kid Ben Hardwick on Thats Life we used to sing (to the tune of Ben by Michael Jackson)
"Ben why did you have an ugly head,
Ben we laughed when we heard you were dead"
can't remember the rest though
(garrison, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 13:38, Reply)

A few mishearings...
The first one is dodgy goff whiners Suspiria; I think the track is "Allegedly, Dancefloor Tragedy"; but the second verse has a line that sounds like:
"Behold! The sheep wear running shoes"

Finally, due to a mishearing of dodgy German fetish rockers Rammstein track "Du Hast" as "du hast milch"; which totally changes the context of the track from a song against wanting to be enslaved by a woman to ordering a cup of tea:
(To any German readers: apologies for my bad German)

Du
Du hast
Du hast Milch

Du
Du hast
Du hast Milch
Du hast Milch aufgemacht
Du hast Milch aufgemacht
Du hast Milch aufgemacht
Und er hat nichts verstreut

Willst du mit zwei zucker trinke
Ein stück auf Zitrone mit es

NEIN

Willst du mit drei zucker Trinker
Sie kaufen auch mit Schachtel Brötchen

NEIN
(resident deity, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 13:23, Reply)

Def Leppard - Let's Get Rocked
When I was a naive 11 year old I used to think it was:

"Lesbian, Lesbian, Lesbian, Lesbian Rock!"
(miniroll, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 12:28, Reply)

The words to summer lovin from grease....
are a lot funnier this way...

Summer lovin happens so fast,
so I got me a nice piece of ass
Met a girl happy as can be,
she said 'oooh please fuck me!'

Summer days fuckin away, on summer holidays!
(wella wella wella)
Fuck me more, fuck me more...did she go like a whore?

etc etc you get the idea. It was funny when you were 15 (and drunk)
( Bamboo Steamer, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 12:18, Reply)

Simon & Garfunkel - The Boxer
Asking only workman's wages I come lookin' for a job,
But I get no offers,
Just a come-on from the horse on Seventh Avenue.
I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome,
I took some comfort there.
Oooh la, la, la ...
(druidus, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 11:13, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
Discovered the "bassetts soft and chewy vitamin pills" jingle became a whole lot funnier when you substituted in "abortion" for each occurence of the word "vitamin".
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 11:04, Reply)

While being drunk
To that famous Radiohead song "I'm a creep, I'm a dildo..."
and Robbie's Millenium "We got stars direct in our face..."
Not as funny now as it was after a few pints...
Sorry!
(coxval, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 10:15, Reply)

Personally
I always thought that undecipherable line in Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight was "Cumming in Cheryl Baker"
(StupidWaterBison, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 9:51, Reply)

back in 71 tony christie with a dreadful song
is this the way to amarillo : we sang is this the way to ram a dildo
of course at that age we had no concept of what on earth we could do with a dildo if we ever saw one
( Dill, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 9:23, Reply)

Bruce springsteen (or Natalie Cole's version)
Pink Cadillac
"I love you for your pink pair of knacs"

Knacs being pants. Sorry
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 8:21, Reply)

Billy Ocean
"Love Really Hurts inside You,
I've broken my foreskin but what can I do?"
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 8:13, Reply)

Bronski Beat
It was one of their singles, post-Jimmy Sommerville. I reckon it was called "Hit That Perfect Beat".
Any way the chrous always sounded to me and my mates as.....

"Bleed, boys
bleed, boys
Make my bottom bleed boys...."

I know it's not big nor clever but it was funny when I was at school
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 8:08, Reply)

the smashing pumpkins
disarm
actual words: this side of me and such a part of you
misheard words: sodomy in such a part of you
and if you listen to it it really does sound like that.
went a year and a half before i found out what the real words were.
this includes many a time playing it on my computer with friends/family members who also thought the word was sodomy, and singing aloud in public places with my friends. so ashamed...
(USER No: 21515...FUCK YOU TO FUCK YOU FU see profile for limited time offer., Sat 29 Jan 2005, 3:59, Reply)

Oscar Meyer Wiener
Oh, I wish you were an Oscar Meyer wiener,
That is what you'd really ought to be...
Cause if you were an Oscar Meyer wiener,
I could shove you up inside of meeeeee.....
( b2 I'm not really here..., Sat 29 Jan 2005, 3:20, Reply)

do your ears hang low song
Is your mom a ho?
Does she like to blow?
Do you have a new daddy everytime you come home?
Is her purse filled with condoms?
and half of them are used?
Is your mom a ho?
(PHcrashcam, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 1:32, Reply)