That norn Iron song.....
I sang it as well..... being a kid in the 70's over here was a strange experience.....

There was another song, at school about some person "riding on a donkey" of course, we substituted donkey for "woman" even though, most of us would have run a mile had a real woman even talked to us....
( TBL I posted this on, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 1:17, Reply)

Over in Norn Iron
(that's the noisy place across the Irish Sea)

I remember this from primary school, which would be . . ooh . . in the mid 70s, back when it was really kicking off :)

Jingle Bells, Santa smells
A hundred miles away
He did a fart
Behind a cart
And blew up the IRA
(foolish_child, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 0:38, Reply)

School faves
To the tune of Popeye the sailor man:

I'm Popeye the sailor man
I'm Popeye the sailor man
I sleep with your granny
And tickle her fanny
I'm Popeye the sailor man

And the racist version of 5-4-3-2-1:

5-4-3-2-1
Pull that trigger
Kill that (word that rhymes with trigger that begins with 'n')
5-4-3-2-1

Apols if already posted, not bothered enough to go through 12 pages.
(Chuckman, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 0:32, Reply)

Okay, how about...
Elvis 'Suspicious minds' - We call him the tramp...

Michael Kidfiddler Jackson 'Thriller' - Mike Read just calling you...

Depeche Mode 'Some dross or other' - Just can't get it up...

A friend's mum used to hear the Beach boys' Barbara Ann as 'Boppin around'

There's probably loads more, but it's late and I've just got in from work and I'm tired and my brain has already shut down for the night.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 29 Jan 2005, 0:18, Reply)

I was but a wee thing...
and somehow shaped the old Carling jingle "Carling, black label!" into "Charlie, black mambo!" Quite good for a 3-year-old i think.
( Fictional Emma, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 0:14, Reply)

My brother is perfectly content with his version of Paradise City
by Guns n Roses.

Instead of where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, the girls are green, and the grass is pretty.

He sees no problem with this, though. I'd love to be a warped six-year-old again.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 0:05, Reply)

Another rewrite of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"
My mother's an apple pie vendor
My father sells synthetic gin
My sister sells love for a living
My god how the money rolls in

Rolls in, rolls in,
My god how the money rolls in rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in,
My god how the money rolls in

My brother's a slum missionary
Who saves poor young women from sin
He'll save you a blonde for a shilling
My god how the money rolls in

Rolls in, rolls in,
My god how the money rolls in rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in,
My god how the money rolls in

My sister lies over the ocean
My brother lies over the sea
My father lies over my mother
And that's where they got little me.

Rolls in, rolls in,
My god how the money rolls in rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in,
My god how the money rolls in
(dragonrose, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 23:05, Reply)

Remembered some more
In school when we went to church we would sometimes sing the hymn "I Sing a Song of the Saints of God." Almost every person there, even teachers, could be heard to say "one was slain by a fierce wild priest" (instead of "beast").
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 22:49, Reply)

Not only but also...here's the proper words...
'You took the sun from from my heart' is sung 'you took the sun from my arse.'
'Can you hear us pumping on your stereo' is sung 'can you hear us humping on your stereo'
Yes, this is true.
(spida, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 22:46, Reply)

Bohemian Rhapsody
"I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity!"

No, no it's

"spare him his life from these pork sausages"

isn't it?

Oh dear
(MyrtleTheTurtle, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 22:19, Reply)

Some song in some film...
Well, it was 'Jerusalem', for you poor school-ridden children here's a pointer for assembly from some Irish film or summat...
Anyway, just replace the refrain 'And did those feet' for 'Hands, tits, nose, feet'.
Which turns it into:
Hands, tits, nose, feet, in ancient times, walked upon England's mountains green...
(spida, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 21:46, Reply)

In a specially composed arrangement of Psalm 122
by the musician and TV presenter Howard Goodhall (of themes to Blackadder and Vicar of Dibley fame) to celebrate the opening of our new £8million school chapel (with the minor proviso that the chapel was so delayed that it wouldn't open for another two years), the entire chorus of seven hundred 13 to 18-year old boys can be clearly heard on the ceremonial video wittily rearranging the words "Peace be within thy walls / and plenteousness within thy palaces".

Well there was only one outcome really wasn't there?

"Peeeeeace be within thy BALLS! And Plenteousness within thy PHALLUSES!"

Oh how amusing it was :)
( The Boy T, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 21:32, Reply)

A couple...
Christmas trip to Hull via Hark, The Herald Angle Sings:
Mark the harelipped angle sings
'Thory to duh newborn tning'

Billy Idol, 'Eyes Without A Face' became Thighs Around My Face/Such a fishy place/Your thighs around my face

And finally to pillage a Disney song 'Be Our Guest'
Feel my breasts!
Feel my breasts!
Put your hands upon my chest
Move my hooters all around and
We'll let hormones do the rest!
They are so round
They are so firm
They'll make your thing fill up with sperm
The sex round here is never second best
So tonight you'll get your meat up
Slow down no need to speed up
Feel my breasts!
Feel my breasts!
Feel my breasts!!
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 21:30, Reply)

singing the wrong words
To the wombles song

Underground overground womboling free
the wombles of wimbledon shit and they pee
pissing on anything that they can find
the W of W have dirty minds

uncle bulgaria can remember the time that he pissed in a bottle of wine
And his willy got stuck

Keep all your handbags closed or the will shit
in those Toooo.
(freddred, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 21:26, Reply)

Only just looked up the real lyics..
.. and found I had heard it wrong, much is the shame.

Candi Staton - You Got The Love

Occasionally my thoughts are brave and friends are few,
Occasionally I cry out Lord what must I do?
*Occasionally I call up Master make me new!
You've got the love I need to see me through.

*...of course I always hear:
"Occasionally I call out masturbate me nude!"

Have a listen yourself if you can, it makes for a much more interesting song anyway.
(eladorn, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 21:18, Reply)

Thought of more
Deck the halls with poison ivy Falalalalalalalala
Tis the season to be naughty Falalalalalalalala
Pop a tire break a window Falalalalalalalala
Set an old man's beard on fire Falalalalalalalala

Deck the halls with gasoline Falalalalalalalala
Light a match and watch it gleam Falalalalalalalala
Burn the schoolhouse down to ashes Falalalalalalalala
Aren't you glad you played with matches Falalalalalalalala

At camp a friend once sang:
On top of old smokey, all covered in blood,
I shot my poor teacher with a 42 slug.

I kicked at her body and she wasn't quite dead,
so I took a bazooka and blew off her head.

I went to her funeral. I went to her grave.
Everyone threw flowers but I threw a grenade.

There were more verses but I forgot them.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 21:14, Reply)

yet more parental mistakes
mum: beach boys "little deuce coupe" as "she's my little bit of skirt" (it makes sense, well, more so than her palpable moral outrage at the song)

dad: that bit in whatever shit the Utah Saints released when they shouted "Utah Saints, U-U-U-Utah Saints" as "You Talk Sex, U-U-U-U Talk Sex."

Embarassing on the school run, I can tell you.
(Lodge, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 21:09, Reply)

One more, "Frosty the Warhead" to "Frosty the Snowman"
(keep in mind this was back in 1986, when Regan was still president)

Gorbatrov the Russian was a very Comme man
With a big overcoat and a face like a goat and breath like a garbage can

Regan, the American took a B-1 jet that day
He went to Geneva to negotiate with the nuclear minded man

There must have been some magic in
The words that Regan said
For when he spoke of disarmament
The Russian's face turned red!

Oh, Regan, the American
Took a jet back home as planned
But he waved goodbye sayin "Don't you cry, the Red Phone'll be connected again!"

Crashedy-crash-crash, crashedy-crash-crash, look at Gorvatrov go!
Crashedy-crash-crash, crashedy-crash-crash, over the nuclear snow!

And just as a sidenote, my first unintentional swearword song was when I was 4, when I sang about the frog on a "DAMN-aged stool". I haven't gotten the taste of Lava soap outta my mouth since...
(moonfire38, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 20:50, Reply)

An ET song, to the tune of Micheal Jackson's "Thriller"
(ah, the idiocy of youth. I hang my head in shame and secret self satisfied hilarity)

It's close to midnight
A funny smell is hangin in the air
You turn on the porchlight
But nothin but a cloud of mist is there

You close the door
But suddenly that cloud of mist is with you
You cross the floor
And an eerie glow is closin in behind
Oh why tonigt?

Oh no, it's ET!
Standin there
His spaceship's right outside
He wants to take you for a ride
Oh no, it's ET!
That you smelled
He's stinkin up the place and screamin
PHONE HOME! PHONE HOME! PHONE HOOOOMME!

He lifts his finger
And tries to float your body out the door
You throw a Zinger
And escape while he is grabbin it from the floor
You hear a faaaart!
And thick black clouds of smoke fill the room
And if you're smart
You'll call the fire department very soon
You'd better zoom!


Oh no it's ET!
On the stair
He's headin for the john and now it won't take long
Before ET floods you out
You'll never be the same when you're with ET!ET!ETEEEEEE!

OWWWWWW!(insert tacky moonwalk here)
(moonfire38, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 20:41, Reply)

To the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean"
My father he worked on the sewers,
He worked down a deep sewage pit,
And when he came home in the evening,
His hands were all covered in shit.

Chorus:

Oh shine up your buttons with Brasso,
It's only three and thruppence a tin,
You can buy it or nick it from Woolies
But I don't think they've got any in.

Some say that he died in a fever
Some say that he died in a fit,
But I know what my father died of,
He died of the smell of the shit.

Some say that he's buried in gravel,
Some say that he's buried in grit,
But I know what my Dad is buried in,
He's buried in six feet of shit.
(rogerzilla, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 20:34, Reply)

I know so many...
Sung to Row row row your boat:
Fuck fuck fuck a duck. Screw a kangarooo. Finger an orangutan. Orgy at the zoo!

Sung to the Barney song:
I love you, you love me, ho-mo-sex-u-ality! People think that we're just friends, but we are really les-bi-ans.

I'll post more as I think of them.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 20:30, Reply)

The old classic
Mary had a little lamb
She took it up to Reading
She tied it to a lamppost
AND KICKED ITS F*CKING HEAD IN!
(rogerzilla, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 20:29, Reply)

paradise city
When I used to sing, and still do, the song paradise city by guns and roses rather than singing "Welcome to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty" I sang "Welcome to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls have TITIES" :D
(mrtinybrain, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 20:28, Reply)

wrong lyrics, wrong singer, wrong f&*king band
this christmas i bought my girlfriend a copy of "hopes and fears" by the band keane. during christmas dinner we had the following exchange....
gf's brother: so what did you get?
gf: a keane cd.
gf's brother: keane? as in roy keane?
me: yeah
gf:oh i thought he was the singer in coldplay!

of course he is darling and what a cunt he is too.
(bovrilboy, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 20:03, Reply)

Chess on the beach
Teaching kids to sail of a summer, one lad heard a bunch of 10 year olds singin 'Sex On the Beach', thought parents would think he had taught them it so corrected them.

Cue big bunch of nippers screamin in posh yacht clubthat they wanted to play chess on the beach at the top of their lungs.

Everyone knew the song. As did they, and what it meant. Their intentions were as clear as their grins were wide.
(Coomy, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 19:30, Reply)

Someone's probably done this one
Can't be bothered reading all the ones so far, so this one's probably been done:
"Joy to the world, Teacher's dead.
I barbecued her head.
What happened to the body?
I flushed it down the potty,
Joy to the world, Teacher's dead."
(whirleygig, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 19:20, Reply)

Rythym is a Dancer...
not quite misheard - just very, very , very wrong lyrics...
"i'm as serious as cancer, when i say rythym is a dancer"
how did they get away with that...
(monkeybadger, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 19:17, Reply)

REM
" also used to think REM (Sidewinder) were singing “Calling Jamaica, calling Jamaica” but then realised that was wrong"

Until i read your post, i still thought they WERE singing "calling jamaica". I looked up the lyrics, to be sure you weren't talking shite
(Nyphur, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 19:05, Reply)

How do you solve a problem like....
diarrhoea
Stick a lump u dynamite up ya rear
stick it in your ear n give it a smear

Cant remember what we used to sing next...it WAS 26 years ago
(bobnoxious, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 18:58, Reply)

Banana Splitz
Tra la la, la la la la,
Tra la la, la la la la

1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4,
15 skinheads knockin at ya door,
1 with a hammer, 1 with a rock,
1 with a dagger hangin from his....

Tra la la, la la la la,
Tra la la, la la la la
(bobnoxious, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 18:54, Reply)