I started a new job on Monday
and today we did that game where you stick write a name on a post-it and stick it to someone's forehead and they have to guess who they are.
In a group of twelve, 5 of us knew who Joseph Stalin was - including me, who wrote it.
I wanted to put Pol Pot but I chickened out.
( Malchick, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:57, Reply)

A rather dim friend of mine..
thought that bacon came from pigs, and ham came from a "ham aminal". What she was referring to was a pig on a spit

She also thought that milk was man-made, and didn't come from cows
( RossThePiper Stretch Armstrong is my Father, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:51, 1 reply)

Darwin's Theory Debunked
Jeff who is our IT Department's programmer says Evolution doesn't happen beacause if you throw a fish on dry land it doesn't grow a pair of lungs.
(lordbuttercraft, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:49, 1 reply)

Vaccinations
On the day we all had our BCG's done at school, a friend on mine had a note from his mum excusing him from said innoculation because his parents 'did not believe in it'. Did not believe in vaccinations. Yes.

I mean, really? It's not like it's even a debatable subject, like believing in God or whatever. We're talking about something that is scientifically proven.

Some people.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:39, 10 replies)

my mum
doesn't believe that black people have white bones. I really wish I was making this up :(
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:34, 3 replies)

I once had an argument with my former flatmate concerning the volume of a pint.
He swore it was 500ml. I informed him it was 568ml. He refused to believe me, so I went to the fridge and produced a pint of milk that was clearly labelled as 568ml.

"Well... they must have changed it!"
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:24, 1 reply)

The Great Wall Of China is so big you can see it from anywhere on Earth

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:23, Reply)

David Cameron
My 19-year-old cousin said that he is going to vote for David Cameron "as he's young." No mention of policy, or leadership skills, or anything else vaguely sensible. The idiocy just floored me.

Besides, what he proposes would be somewhat difficult, considering that Cameron's constituency is not in south Birmingham.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:18, 1 reply)

Another, more lighthearted.
One night, Ms D and I are laying in bed watching TV and there's some crap on about buying a house, doing it up and selling it for profit (like a reality TV show for masochists).

They start talking about installing central heating, when Ms D asks "Who invented central heating?"
I say, "probably the Romans, I think they used to have trenches under villas with heated water running through it heating the floors. I suppose you could call that Central Heating."

She says, "Oh? Where did the Romans come from...?"

Me: "Errr....Rome!"

Ms. D.: "Really? So where did the Greeks come from then?"

Doh!
(dchurch bah, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:18, 2 replies)

Ah, I have one that isn't a pearoast...
...about my 15-year-old-cousin. He's growing up in the same town as I did, but unlike me, seems to be about ready to live and die in that poxy chav-infested shitburg. Monosyllabic, sullen and devious, he'll probably fit right in. Most of that's down to being male and 15 though, I realise. He's capable of more, I think, but I also think that we may never see it.

But the ignorance comes into play in a nugget of news that my mum gave to me not much more than a week ago. Being 15 and in a town terminally infested with chavs, whilst currently possessing nothing that I'd call ambition or even purpose, you can guess which MO he adopts in order to mix with the crowd. I've heard less recently that he smokes pot these days. I can't personally call any kettles black on that score so we'll leave that one there.

So anyway, he was walking through the town's 'town' with one of his mates one evening and they decided they fancied a toke. This need required satiation immediately it seems, so they set about putting a light herbal treat together. In the middle of a car park. A heavily and highly visibly-surveilled car park. Heavily-surveilled because it had the town's Magistrate's Court sat on one side. Also, it had the town's Police HQ on another.

If those two aren't hit by a car before they're 21, I'll buy them both a drink to celebrate the achievement.

They told his mum when she came for him that about twenty of them had been stood around the HQ's surveillance station laughing at the pair of stupid fuckers whilst one went out there to reel them in just after they had sparked up.

A special kind of stupid.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:13, 2 replies)

Columbian (or rather Jamaican) marching powder.
A fair few years ago, a drinking companion from my local pub used to tell me stories of his "Howard Marks" years.
To be honest, the bloke was a bit well known for being a bullshitter. Indeed, his surname was Fuller, and so became known as "Fuller-shit" for obvious reasons; it was known amoungst locals to take pretty much anything he said with a pinch of salt, but to be honest, a lot of his stories were funny and entertaining and he wasn't really a bad bloke and so a lot of us ended up in conversations with him quite a bit.

He regularly regaled us with tales of smuggling from one country to another, and did actually seem to be flying about the place quite a lot...we put this down to his job (not that any one of us had any idea what he *really* did for a job), and his bullshit status dressing it up into something it wasn't. Let's be honest, if anyone was really involved in that kind of shit, the last thing they'd be doing is telling a group of 20 somethings all about it in their local pub, would they?

One night a friend of mine and I were sitting in the pub with Fuller-shit - there was no-one else there, just us three, and Fullershit pipes up "Yeah, and so after this one I'm off to Jamaica, although, a couple of our group has dropped out and I have a spare couple of tickets" (or words to that effect). We start talking about what it would be like in Jamaica etc... and of course he says "hey, why don't you two come with me, it's not like you'll have to pay for a ticket, etc..." - that's when the alarm bells went on for me, and I politely refused.

My friend, on the other hand decides that perhaps he will take up his offer, after all the bloke is a bullshitter of extraordinary proportions and this probably won't come to much - if it does, then "bonus"; they get a free holiday.

Next morning, he and another friend stand on the corner waiting to be driven to Heathrow for this 'non-existant' free trip to Jamaica, having been told that "Don't worry, all the accomodation is sorted out already".

Sure as a bell, Fullershit actually turns up, on time and ready to go.

Sure enough, a fair few hours later and they are actually on a place with Fullershit on their way to Jamaica...and that's when they realised that there really is no such thing as a free lunch, or indeed, a free flight.

Two rather large Jamaican men are waiting for them in the departure lounge...with equally large guns. This is when it suddenly dawned on them that Fuller-shit, perhaps wasn't, and that this was no ordinary free ride.

They are forced into a car, driven for miles where they are put in a room and told to sleep and wait for the morning. In the morning they are both given large suitcases full of Columbia's finest and driven at gun-point back to the airport. My mate insists that he fought to escape, but was captured and thrust into the car and told in no uncertain terms that unless he does exactly as he is told, then he won't make it back to England in one piece.

He does as he is told.

Once on the flight, it is announced that the flight will be making an unscheduled stop in Munich due to a problem at Heathrow airport and that the airline will be paying for a hotel room for anyone who needs it.

They collect their 'luggage' and are driven to a hotel room, where about five minutes after they check in, their hotel door is kicked down by some rather frightening German police with more big guns.

To cut a long story short, my mate got 4 years (reduced from 14!!!!) and the other chap got 7 because he couldn't give a decent description of the place they were at in Jamaica.

Of course, they can both speak fluent German now - just as long as the phrase "Pick up the soap" is mentioned.

I have no idea how anyone would actually have got on that flight - ignorance? Yes, in abundance!

The even more stupid thing was that my mates dad owned a huge construction firm which he was due to 'inherit' once he'd finished his degree, if he'd had any idea of what was coming he'd have run a mile - he was already going to be set up for life.

Of course, his dad had to sell various assets to pay for Lawyers, translators and flights to and from Munich.

Now, the firm is barely scraping by - and in no small part to not believing a bullshitter.

Incidently, Fullershit hasn't been since this episode.

Odd that.

Length? Nearly 14 years!
(dchurch bah, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:10, Reply)

Ninja physics
An old chum would not have it that Ninjas had to obey Newtonian mechanics.

They were capable, as demonstrated in loads of Kung Fu films so it must be true, that a Ninja could launch themselves vertically then change direction in mid air. After delivering many blows, they would land perfectly. No explaination was good enough for them.

It ruined my enjoyment of Hongkong's finest movie output.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:03, Reply)

Left or Right?
Fuck knows if I can tell the difference when I'm under pressure.
(Ad_Knuf, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 21:00, 9 replies)

A subtle difference
I overheard the quality manager of the scientific services company I work for describing the difference between milli and mega as "nuanced".

I'm not sure, but I'm quietly confident that 9 orders of magnitude does not count as a nuance.
(Rushy, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:53, 5 replies)

Phenomenal Ignorance
Some words of advice for my little brother.

It is probably not a good idea to speak to strangers that talk to you in Tesco. Let alone ones that offer you work.

If that work is to move a package, it probably isn't an excellent idea to do that either.

If collecting this package means meeting a stranger in a carpark in Glasgow at midnight, this may also be a clue that it isn't the best of ideas. Doubly so if they are handed to you wrapped in a towel, and it is suggested to you that it would be in your interest not to touch them, this is probably when the alarm bells should have become deafening.

If you are driving a souped up Ford Focus on the main road from one major city to another at 3am with said packages, it is probably best to stay within the national speed limit, to avoid attracting attention.

If the said packages are estimated to be worth £100k, you are a bit of a mug to accept £400 for moving them.

Although you did get markedly more sensible after your arrest, you have still managed to spectacularly fuck your life up, miss your Grandmother's funeral and gain yourself a criminal record because of your spectacular ignorance.

Very well done, you fucking ignoramus.
(allthatglittersisglitter, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:35, Reply)

Lifted
I used to work in Surrey Uni bar as a cellarman. It was a good job, I used to get paid to drink beer and smoke fags with the duty manager. Now and then I had to shift barrels of beer around, and they had this lift which went from the lower bar to the upper bar, to assist with this task.

I called down to the lower bar one day and asked the girl who answered to send the lift, and she replied "where to?". I asked if she could send it to Wates House, a bar on the other side of campus, only for her to realise finally that the lift had only one button, which was labelled 'UP'.
(mobileabuser I liked... clive, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:35, Reply)

Pearoast - 'scuse please...
Anyone with wilful ignorance of the amazing world/universe we inhabit. Especially those who think that either science-fiction is stupid, or that liking it has somehow rendered me completely clueless. I have a picture of the Hubble Ultra Deep Field (http://hubblesite.org/newscenter/archive/releases/2004/07/) as my desktop backdrop at work. Whenever I get frustrated because I can't get the code to do what I want, or I'm having rounding errors in the 5th decimal place that are screwing up fund/unit calculations, I just call it up, and gaze at 10,000 galaxies for a few seconds, to get a bit of perspective on the situation. When a co-worker asked me what the image was, I tried to explain that it was a picture of a tiny, tiny slice of the night sky.
"So are they stars?"
"No, they're galaxies."
"Are they like stars?"
".........well, they're made of stars...."
"Well, I've never seen anything like that in the sky!"
"...no.... you wouldn't, really..."
"So it's not real then? You've just grabbed that off some Star Trekkie website! You must think I'm stupid!"

Almost as bad was the one who saw the photo of Neptune taken by the Voyager probe, which is another of my 'perspective' pictures. It's just a couple of crescents - Neptune and Triton, but this photo was taken looking back towards Neptune. Here's this tiny spacecraft, still taking pictures and sending signals, as the probe left the solar system and headed out into deep space.
"What's that - abstract art or something?"
"No, it's Neptune and Triton, taken by Voyager as it was leaving the solar system."
Moment of puzzled silence as he looks at me, waiting for the leg-pull. When it doesn't come, he responds, quite slowly and carefully, like he's about to shatter my dreams:
"It's a TV show. It's not real."
"No, it's real, I got it off the NASA website."
"Yeah, but NASA went to the moon. Voyager's just a TV show.

Sometimes I just have to say "Go away now, please." because otherwise I'm going to hit someone, or they're going to see me cry.
(Leo Sasquatch hates being the grown-up, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:32, 2 replies)

When I used to work in Sheffield
We were paid a visit from our Supply Chain team who were based in Hampshire. They managed to accenuate the difference betwixt T'North and the prosperous South at pretty much every opportunity.

Halfway through I scuttled out for a ciggy and was joined by one of the managers who asked "So, If I go up that hill could I see the Angel of the North?"

Yeah spacktard, just drive for another 130 miles.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:26, Reply)

According to Richard Dawkins' latest book
19% of Brits don't know what a year is and think the earth goes around the sun once a month.

* Edit: Okay, wow. I only said it was in his book, because I didn't have time to look up the actual survey. It's from the Eurobarometer. They did a special science one in 2005.
ec.europa.eu/public_opinion/archives/ebs/ebs_224_report_en.pdf
Didn't realise people would react so strongly to his mention. *
(cH3$h7846J#7, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:25, 11 replies)

Until I was well into my teens,
I thought airing cupboards were really called Aering cupboards, because they were named after their Swedish inventor, one Mr. Aering.

In fairness, "airing cupboard" is a bloody stupid thing to call a totally enclosed, pitch-black hot space that has virtually no air.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:22, Reply)

An ex-flatmate of mine
whilst watching a TV programme about apartheid around 1998-99, turned to me and asked "Is South Africa really racist then?"
The same girl asked me if the language of Denmark was Denmarkian. After I stopped laughing at her, she crossed her arms and indignantly said, "Alright then, Dutch."

She also fancied Dean Gaffney, but that's probably poor taste rather than stupidity.
(hutchers, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:21, Reply)

My old geography teacher
Was once talking some nonsense about animals and finished with the line:

"Well, not birds because they're not really animals"

Well what the hell are they then?
(cH3$h7846J#7, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:19, 5 replies)

ah
when i was little i KNEW that north was up and south was down. its obvious! look at a globe!.. still actually have that belief swilling in my head but i know not to mention it out loud after the last time :/

one of our students was asking why another was drinking lucazade (spelling) and he replied it helped him start the day. a debate was had about whether it had caffine in (no) and how it was the sugar rush that was key. Her baffled response: "does sugar not have caffine in it then?"
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:07, Reply)

I know someone
...who until two years ago at the tender age of nineteen genuinely believed that dinosaurs did not exist. She honestly believed them to have been created by Stephen Spielberg.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:02, 1 reply)

Gary Glitter.
When the story initially broke that GG had been arrested after kiddy porn was found on his laptop, I told a friend's wife, who was a bit of a fan. She looked shocked, then asked me if "it was pictures of boys or girls"; cos if it was girls at least he wouldnt be gay eh?

To be fair she realised what she'd said about 5 seconds after the words left her mouth.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 20:00, 1 reply)

sex ed
one night, on the piss with a few mates, we decided that munchies were in order. we decided to send the youngest of the group, a 16-year-old girl, to the off-licence. however, the need for laughs was greater than our need for chocolate, so we asked her to get a packet of ovary eggs. suspecting nothing, she toddled off to the shop.
10 minutes later, she returns, almost foaming at the mouth with rage. it seems that after the woman in the shop had finished laughing, she had seen fit to give our gullible chum an impromptu sex education lesson.
oh, how we laughed.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:54, 6 replies)

My girlfriend
Didn't know who Nelson Mandela was, had never heard of Apartheid and genuinely believed all South Africans were white. She claimed that this was because her privately-educated brother had an extremely racist South African friend. I was shocked at her level of ignorance, even more so by what followed. In order to defend her ignorance, she called several friends, one of whom had never heard of him; another who had. However this latter friend said "Yeah I know him, he's the 'I have a dream' guy!". When I expressed shock at this she said "Oh no no I mean that guy who was on the bus with Rosa Parks!"

Also, my girlfriend believed that a christmas bauble was spelt "ball-ball". Brilliant.
(Voodoo-Child16 Pissed in their Champagne on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:50, 1 reply)

This is actually one of my favourite quotes ever
remember those little boxes of Smarties that used to be sold in multipacks (and still may be) and how they'd have a question on the side- generally about kid level of knowledge. Well the downside of going to university with a lot of fiendishly intelligent people, is that occasionally all common sense is lost.

I idly read out the question 'What is the name of a land with no water, beginning with D?'

A linguist friend bounced up. "Ooh I know this one. Germany!"

I stared at her in quiet disbelief. "Germany begins with a G not a D," I pointed out.

She shrugged. "Deutschland of course!"

Goes to show A-levels and university places definitely do not judge common sense. By the way the answer is desert. You know, just in case
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:47, Reply)

Scouting for boys
In my youth I was a keen boy scout and attended all the usual events and rose up the ranks in my local branch of the pseudomilitary organisation. I made it to the dizzy heights of "Patrol leader".

As a group leader I was responsible for a small group whilst away on the annual summer camp. Part of this was to ensure that we had suitable cooking facilities and in those days this meant keeping a fire on the go (I guess H&S have banned all this now). Our patrol fire area was a highly technical affair making the most of "found" materials to construct a solution which made sure we got adequate oxygen delivery to the fire. This is all just preamble...

One of my Patrol was a rather introverted public schoolboy type (went to "Sedbergh" dont you know.) who was not entirely "with us" all the time. I should have taken this into account when I asked him to "Put a billy of water on the fire" as my intention was that we would boil the water and get a brew. What I actually got was a load of wet wood and no fire... I struggled to work out who was more stupid in that case.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:45, Reply)