Pilot.
There was a girl on my university course (which focuses on screen/scriptwriting and journalism) who wanted to write a series pilot for some competition or other.

She asked us ' So what should I write about?' and when we answered 'Well...anything' She said 'Oh, but, it's got to be about pilots right?'

I told her that, yes, it could potentially be about pilots, and planes and airports, but it really didn't have to be.

'So why's it called a pilot then?'
Ugh. Should have just let her get on with it.
(Lalalalou, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:13, 3 replies)

What the fuck is so fucking funny you fat bitch?
I found myself screaming the above question in my head while smiling politely and chuckling gently to a friend of my girlfriend recently at a god awful social gathering I'd been forced to attend while a perfect nimbus of hate rose in my guts and started to pour out my pores.

There was a globe lamp that people were looking at, and everyone started pointing to places they had been on holiday.

She was unaware that Egypt was in the Northern Hemisphere

She was unaware that Jamaica was an island

Everyone there had no idea that the Arctic and specifically the North Pole is ice and not land.

Not the worst crimes in the world I admit, but for some reason the rage storm grew within me. Surely I am not alone in thinking that this is basic common knowledge? What made me most annoyed was the fact that she didn't care that she was stupid, it was fine, in fact it was even acceptable for her to make a huge joke about how thick she was. What the fuck is so funny about being ignorant?

Other people even started chiming in with like minded tales of their own idiotic Geographic ineptitude.

Am I just being a cunt or does the acceptance of ignorance/stupidity annoy anyone else?


What's that? I'm just being a cunt? oh
(Don't tell him Pike i'll probably just stay in, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:13, 7 replies)

wanking parrot
Like many of these stories, it's one that starts in a pub.
A bunch of office colleagues are chatting over Friday evening pints. Most are white-collar types, but also there is Reg, the slightly doddery, good-hearted but rather dim caretaker from the office.
One of the chaps was talking about his pet parrot. "I call him Onan," he says, "because he's always spilling is seed!"
Much guffawing ensues. All except Reg, who is looking a bit puzzled and clearly doesn't get it. "Whassat? I don't get that one."
The chap explains. "It's a biblical reference. You know, Onan, from the bible? It's to do with masturbation. Spilling seed, you see? Onanism, it's where we get the word from. Basically I'm saying he spills his seed, or is always wanking, if you prefer."
"Ah, right, I geddit!" And Reg creases up and laughs his head off, almost having a heart attack right there, such was his amusement.
Back at work on Monday, Reg was in the canteen, and wanted to tell some others about this brilliantly-named parrot.
"You'll never guess what he calls his parrot!" Reg says to his assembled audience, already creasing up again and barely able to get the words out due to extreme mirth.
"He's calls him Wanker, because he's always dropping his food! Hahahahaha"
( Biffins Bridge, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Double Pearost
[1] Many years ago, my Mum decided she was having her birthday party at her Sisters' house.

By and large, my family are based in Dorset. My Mum's Sister lives in the back-end of Northampton. Therefore, people weren't too keen on the travelling.
I was living in Fleet at the time, and said I'd attend said party if I could get a lift with my folks.

Mum: Sorry, not possible.
Me: Why?
Mum: Motorways don't go near towns...

Fleet, as far as I'm aware, is best known for Fleet Motorway Services, about 2 miles away from where I was living at the time.


[2] Colleague phoning Hotel in France to book a weekend away for himself and his girlfriend.

Colleague: Hi - What is your availability of rooms between dates: x and y?
Hotel Employee: Sorry I don't speak English.
Colleague: Oh, ok - when will there be a member of staff available who speaks English?
Hotel Employee: 5pm
Colleague: Ok - I'll call back at 5pm then.....

Cue embarassed look on face of Colleague when he realises he's been strung along...
(caescarna Hell's Roomba, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:09, 1 reply)

Sometimes its cute, sometimes its not.
Traded in my old car, and had to tow it onto the dealers forecourt. ZING! Offered me £300 for that puppy unseen, haha! Drove away in my "new" car, noting that yes, it had a full tank. Drove 50 miles down the M6, it coughed and stopped. Managed to coax it to Keele services, called AA, who said "Check you've not run out of petrol". "Nope, just bought the thing, it's full." Wait an hour or two, man in van turns up. "Has it got petrol in?". "Yes, I just bought it, it's full." He dismantles the fuel injection system, checks a whole bunch of things, can't find anything wrong. "Look, are you SURE it's got petrol in?". "Yes, look at the gauge, it's full right up to the red bit...". Fucksocks.

In my defence, my old car fuel gauge was empty on the left, full on the right. My new car (and the only car I've ever owned or even seen that did this) was full on the LEFT and empty on the right.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:07, 3 replies)

I worked with a girl who hadn't seen Star Wars


I know! Hopefully that should be long enough for you all to have absorbed the staggering suggestion that anyone, anywhere, ever, hasn't seen Star Wars. It's not like she'd spent her life in Africa, waiting for Bruce Parry to rock up, she lived in a civilized country (well, here) with TVs and everything (well, Norfolk, so she's only had 10 or so years of electricity, but that's long enough!)

Obviously my instinct was to shun her until she righted this crippling deficiency in her very existence, or to ignore her completely on the basis that the idea of such a being was so absurd that I must have dreamt her. But there were three reasons why doing so would have been intensely dumb of me.

1) We sat facing each other and most of the rest of the office were boring fuckers
2) She was really, really nice, if a bit dense, and we shared an interest in going out and getting really fucked up on narcotics
3) She was fookin' gorgeous

Oh no, I mean FOOKIN' gorgeous. Tall, slender, great tan (fake, as it transpired, like I cared), cracking norks (real, or so she claimed, like I cared), 20 years old, suggestible. Amazing how quickly one can forget all the promises made to Yoda, Obi-Wan and the Millenium Falcon play set I got for Christmas 1984 when gorgeous blue eyes are fixated on you and appear to be doing the "Fuck Me Flutter". With hindsight, she could have had something in her eye. I wasn't prepared to leave it to chance. What more incentive does a man need than an involuntary succession of blinks from a girl way out of his league?

I asked her out for a drink. She was initially cautious - WAY out of my league - and insisted that it be a group thing. The drink... you fucking perverts... so a bunch of us from work hit Norwich for a few jars on the Friday. The evening progressed well. The crowd thinned. We found ourselves dancing at one of the City's many shit nightclubs, and this time the signal was unmistakeable. The grind of her hips against mine on the dancefloor, the near-absence of any iris due to the preposterously inflated pupils, the fact that she could barely pronounce "take me home and fuck me" all suggested that I was going to make conversation at work on Monday stilted and awkward.

I insisted we go back to mine. I had some "plans" for this horribly inebriated young woman who kept getting my name wrong. We fell out of the taxi and performed the full range of pre-sex awkward moves; struggling to find the keyhole (hehehe) as we kissed against the door, tripping up the stairs as we tore each others' clothes off, finally I pushed her down onto my bed and pulled the restraints into place around her wrists.

"I'm going to show you the best time of your life", I whispered in her ear.

Ungrateful bitch fell asleep halfway through The Empire Strikes Back

Length? 379 minutes original trilogy. 387 minutes special edition.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:06, 11 replies)

Blind stupidity
I was sat in the cinema with my friend Emma, watching the million adverts before the actual film when an advert came on for what the cinema is doing for blind/deaf people...

Me: "Why would you bother going to the cinema if you were blind?"
Emma: "Yeah its stupid, you'd just read the book instead"

...I'll never let her forget that one!
(becca4211, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:06, 5 replies)

Apollo 13
When the film came out, I was talking to a mate about going to see it, but made some weak joke about already knowing how it ended.
"Why?" he says. "How does it end?"

Two years later, at Kennedy Space Centre, I overheard a moron who, on seeing the Apollo 13 mission patch, said, "Was that real? I thought it was just a movie!"
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Exchange between Mrs Vagabond and her friend:
"We watched Darjeeling Limited at the weekend."

"Oh I love that film!"

"It's great isn't it - have you seen it?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:59, Reply)

A cafe I go to on a quite regular basis.
Anyway, there's a picture up on the wall one day, of a guy. I asked someone what it was doing there , and was told he'd recently died, he was another regular. I asked what he looked like. *Face palms*
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:57, Reply)

My amazing display of ignorance
Is ignoring every single post on here.
(mrme, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:56, Reply)

A different kind of ignorance
If you are unfortunate enough to walk into a Vodafone store you are usually greeted by one of the employees with the insightful query "What brings you into store today?"

First time I heard it a just said "Well actually I'm just looking to buy a wardrobe"

Not a flicker on the acne ridden face of the 14 year old employee.
(Barnetboy, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:55, 1 reply)

Ex Co worker
Trying to describe a relation:
Him-"Ah he was a distant relation... He's my dads brother from the country"
Us-"Your uncle then."

Explaining burns:
Us-"ya see people can have different degrees of burns"
Him-"Hahaha ya fuckin eijits ya can't measure burns in angles!"
(he's actually gotten drunk and fallen asleep in the sun recieving sun stroke and third degree burns.)

Let a Toyota hilux drive over his foot to see if his safety boots were any good (they weren't).

Ran into a wall to show he wouldn't hurt himself.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:53, 1 reply)

Bottom String
A mate of mine is a history teacher at a secondary school in Cambridgeshire and swears this story is true.

One day towards the end of term, he decided to give the simpleton class an easy lesson and show them a video on World War II. Now this was the end of the summer term, it was a hot sunny day outside. The documentary was portraying Stalingrad and the harsh Russian winter conditions the armys fought through and to my mate's amazement, some of the kids started putting their coats on because 'it's snowing sir, look.' Having to explain the difference between a TV programme and real life is surely above and beyond for a humble history teacher.

christ on a bike...
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Suicidal Physics
A mate of mine a couple of weeks ago was explaining to us that terminal velocity is the point at which "you are falling so fast that you die before you hit the ground".

It was suprisingly hard to persuade him otherwise.
(Abercadabra looks more like Gerry Adams every day, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Pulled over by the police...
Mr Policeman: "How fast were you just driving sir?"

Me: "Seventy miles per hour officer."

Mr Policeman: "Are you sure? Because we had to do over eighty just to catch up with you."

Me: "....."
(Dai Napoleon, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:47, 28 replies)

I picked up a Dutch guy who was hitching.
He wanted to go to Middlesborough. What the fuck for I asked. Apparently someone told him it was a very beautiful place. Poor sod.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:30, 3 replies)

At Reading Festival
Final night, off my tits on coke and sainsburys basics gin, having just mud wrestled my mate for the entertainment of yellow campsite (methinks this is for another qotw), I was standing next to my mate Swifty, mobile in hand making a call.

S: "SSMTB mate, who are you calling?"
Me "Oh, just my mate Swifty..."

Duh?!
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:19, Reply)

A girl I once knew
told us down't pub that her cousin had woken to find a rainbow starting from the bonnet of her car. She was baffled as we started to tease her about it, she'd not even clicked that it was the subject matter which was causing said rippings!
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:11, Reply)

My dad is in his 60s, and is a very intelligent and hands-on sort of bloke.
He has spent his entire life working his fingers to the bone in places like Yemen and Iraq. He's referred to, in our family, as Mr. Fix-It due to him being able to fix almost any electrical equipment (unless the problem lies on a printed circuit board).

Anyway, right, he's always on MSN and asking me about how to do stuff on his computer. For example:

DAD:How do I do that?
ME:Click the start button...
DAD:The what?
ME:The button with start written on it...

I mean, WHAT AN IGNORANT FUCKWIT! It was only then that I realised that my dad is an old-school bloke who'd never even used a PC until a couple of years ago. I then went on to realise that the metaphors used in modern computing such as the Desktop, files, folders, and the WIMP heuristic have been around since the early nineties and are now engrained in the psyche of the modern world.

I also realised that he has vista - and the vista start button doesn't say START on it!

It's fucking hilarious because something I take for granted is totally out his level of comprehension... what a fucking spastic!

I'm just glad that he's a better person than me and won't remember this when I ask him to fix my car. LOL!
(likeajackhammer, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:08, 1 reply)

Dover to Calais via Sea World
A few years back, a group of friends and I were in the pub, having an idle chat. I was talking with a very sweet but rather naive girl, Amy. For some reason we got onto the subject of the Channel Tunnel. Amy hadn't been on the Eurostar, but I had, so I decided to tell her all about it.
"Yeah, it's so cool," I said. "When it goes through the tunnel it's amazing. You know in those big aquarium parks like Sea World and places like that, where they have those glass tunnels that go right through the aquarium so you can walk through and see sharks swimming around you and stuff?" Amy's eyes widened. "Yes?!"
"Well it's exactly like that. The channel tunnel goes through the middle of the sea, not under it as some people seem to believe, and it's made entirely of glass. As the train goes through it you can see everything in the water around you." I didn't for a second think she'd actually believe this preposterous nonsense. Yes, she was rather naive, but surely not even a 5-year-old would believe such rubbish. I was just amusing myself, really. But sweet, trusting Amy seemed completed enthralled, and didn't doubt me at all. "Really? Wow, that's amazing. I had no idea!"
So I continued. "Yeah it's fantastic. And the amazing thing is, everyone thinks the English Channel is just a dark, gloomy, lifeless body of water that wouldn't have anything interesting in there to look at. But you'd be amazed. The water is actually really crystal clear and blue, almost tropical, totally different to how it looks on TV. And there's so much life down there! I saw these huge, colourful fish, thousands of them. And there were octopuses, massive ones, with their legs wrapped around the glass tube, looking in at us with their big goggly eyes. And all these coral reefs with sponges and stuff. So colourful! There were seahorses bobbing about among the sponges, and those cute little stripey orange fishies like Nemo. And then there were the sharks! Again, you wouldn't believe it, but I saw it for myself. Dozens of sharks. I'm not sure what species exactly, but they were big, that's all I know. People think you only get sharks in warm waters, but I tell you, there's millions of the buggers right there in the English Channel!" I went on and on, and the more Amy took in my tales of undersea adventures, the more bollocks I spouted about the various species of underwater life I saw as the Eurostar sped through the amazing tunnel. When I was finally done and had completely exhausted my massive supply of codswallop, I strolled off to the bar to get another pint and rejoin the others, and left Amy sitting there reflecting on my tales. I felt a little guilty for bulshitting so severely to her, but hey, no harm done. I'll tell her the truth next time I see her.
I bumped into Amy a couple of days later. "Hey, how's it going?" I asked. "Great!" she said. "I was thinking ahout what to get my boyfriend for his birthday, and then I remembered that he's really into scuba diving and loves underwater life. So I've just bought us two tickets for the Eurostar. He's gonna love it down there when he sees all that marine life!"
Oops. I congratulated her on her wise choice of gift and hurried off. I avoided her for the next couple of months.
( Biffins Bridge, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Ive just had to call...
...my apartment's letting agent:

ME: {pleasantries}
HER: {pleasantries} So what can I do for you?
ME: We received your letter yesterday, notifying us of a property inspection on the 5th of April. I'm afraid we may have an issue with it.
HER: Sorry to hear it - what's the problem?
ME: April 5th is a Bank Holiday.
HER: Oh.

Describing it as ignorance is probably a bit harsh, I admit. She seemed like a very nice girl. I guess maybe not everyone has the days where they don't have to get up and go to work etched indelibly into their memory like I do. Why anyone wouldn't is a mystery to me though. I live for those days - not because I hate my job, but because I hate getting up earlier than 10am.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:05, 3 replies)

My mate is EXTREMELY intelligent, but in a rain man kind of way.
thus, he commands a six figure salary for his ability to make unix servers do amazing shit, but if you sent him to the shops for a pint of milk, he'd come back three days later with an alpaca and one sock missing.

finest moment was him INSISTING despite our reasoning attempts, that if your head could get through something, the rest could follow. cue a hilarious afternoon spent watching him try to get himself through, and then after one particularly strenuous push, out of, the bottom of a bar stool.


He Also has a habit of punching FAAAR below his weight in the mental stakes when choosing suitabl cum dumpsters (i hesitate to refer to them as girlfriends, or indeed women)

his girl-related finest moment is that the last 2 of his conquests, have BOTH, without prompting, on separate occasions, asked in deadly earnest, if the courts had ACTUALLY hung gary glitter.. the first time, i nearly went purple with rage explaining how we didn't have the death penalty, blah blah civil rights, blah blah.. the second time i laughed so hard i fell off the sofa and had to be patted on the back vigorously to extract the tea from my lungs..
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:58, 2 replies)

Sky Plus
A few years ago now, I was showing my wife's friend our then new Sky+ system. I demonstrated the pausing of live TV and the rewinding of live TV. She loved it.

I then started to "fast-forward" the rewound program and said "and of course the huge benefit of this is being able to fast-forward to the end of a football match, see the result and then go back and put a bet on"

She was amazed and wondered why more people didnt do it. After quite a long chat about her paying to get Sky+ and to get the money back from winning bets I had to come clean.
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:57, Reply)

When I was but a guttersnipe; a tiny little thing
My sister was dressing up her big teddy, and I asked her with all sincerity if when her teddy grew out of the clothes my teddy could have them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:53, 1 reply)

Larry Gogan - Irish DJ had a famous sixty second quiz on his lunchtime show
Actual answers given on the Just a Minute Quiz.

1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France? F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil

8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name) A pig in shit

9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ? A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair

14) A famous Royal ? Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine ? A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate

19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April

22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep

24) Something you put on walls ? A roof

25) Something Slippery ? A conman

26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato

29) A famous Scotsman? Jock

30) A famous Scotsman? Vinnie Jones

31) Something you open other than a door ? Your bowels

32) A mint named after a Grand Prix Commentator ( Larry's Hint: you suck them) Dickie Davis
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:50, 5 replies)

I was on the train
and my friend asked "are you getting off here?"

"Duh - that's my mobile phone."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:47, 1 reply)

My friend tried to tell me
that the Freemasons are responsible for global warming.

It took me several hours to get him to believe that most Freemasons are Protestants, not Jews.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:44, Reply)

"Hi - we outsourced this image, but now we want to amend it, but the designer's left - can you help?"
A Vagabond: I'm sure we can - do you know what the designer did it in?

"He did it in his laptop."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:38, Reply)