Gay?
There's a small town near my home called Bungay, pronounced exactly how it looks.

Cue curious American couple asking me in work about Bungee.

'Nah, you mean Bungay mate.'

Disbelieved faces, slack jaws...

'Bun....GAY?!'

The middle-aged fellow of the couple flew into a rage at the 'STUPID FUCKING LIMEYS AND THEIR FAGGOT TOWNS!'
(mr chimp, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:25, Reply)

Americans in 'Vien'
I live in Vienna, Austria’s capital and when you go on the underground you have to punch your tickets into a little blue box. Last week I saw a middle aged couple about to get on the escalators trying to shove their tickets into a red fire hydrant. I should have helped them but I was laughing too much.

Also heard an American woman saying that Vienna is really called Sausage City (as in German it’s called Wien but pronounced Vien. She was probably thinking of Wiener sausages or some such rot).
(miss_fanny_b, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:21, Reply)

Not the Tourists... but the Tour Guide...
Whilst on a Tour Bus round Hollywood, the Tour Guide took an interest in our "quaint" English accents:

Tour Guide: So where in England are you guys from?

My Mum: Nottingham.

Tour Guide: Gee... like Robin Hood... so do they teach your kids archery in school then?

My Mum: Err... no.... do they teach your kids how to shoot Indians?

Rather surprisingly no more questions were asked of us for the rest of the tour.
(Spunfunkster, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:15, Reply)

walluss
Wandering round SeaWorld as a small, small child, I happened upon some funny looking slitty-eyed tourists.

'Ah, Walluss!' they proclaimed.

'wtf mummy whats going on?' I asked, innocently.

'Walluss! WALLUSS!' declared the Japanese tourists, observing the nearby Walrus.

'Oh, you mean WALRUS?' offers my mother.

'AAAAAH WALLUSS!' announce Japanese Tourists.

Mother suicides, a young me wonders what the fuck is going on.
(sporky, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:11, Reply)

German Cricket
About 20 years ago I went on holiday to a small island off the coast of Tunisia, called Djerba. The beach there wasn't frequented much as everyone seemed to prefer the pools, the sea was pretty cold that time of year. The only people on the beach were a group of German tourists.

There were there on the beach playing cricket with a plank of wood and one of the numerous fuzzy brown balls lying around on the sand.

Since I didn't know the German for camel shit, I wasn't really able to tell them what the balls were made of!
( hanrahan, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:53, Reply)

Yanks again
No let me preface this message by saying that I do now live in America (in New York to be exact) and I love most of the Americans I have met here - they are intelligent, interested in the outside world and let me get away with a lot of shit just cos they love my accent. Hurrah.

Anyway, I was backpaking through Europe with my best mate and one sunny day we decided to go to Auschwitz. We had an excellent tour guide and were suitably shocked by the mountains of shoes, hair and suitcases on display right in front of us for all to see with their own eyes. Except for one American woman, who kept her camcorder in front of her face, and looked at EVERYTHING through the little fold out tv bit. Everything.

If not stupidity, then a general unwillingness to deal with the real world if it was not in the confines of a tv screen.
(kitteny_goodness, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:37, Reply)

Going to school in Westminster . . .
You get quite a few. Once, someone I know told 2 American tourists (who were standing in front of a large Gothic abbey-like building with signs in front saying 'Westminster Abbey') that to get to the Abbey, you needed to get on the tube to Bank station, and go to St Paul's.

Another time, I was walking in front of two tourists, again American, who were discussing how to get to St Paul's, which they clearly thought was in the area. One pointed to St James's Park station and said 'I guess St Paul must be in there, right?'.

Also, neither Westminster Abbey nor the Houses of Parliament has ever been known to get up and move around. Ever. So WHY DO THEY INSIST ON VIDEOING LANDMARKS??
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:35, Reply)

and ...
also, I grew up in Cleethorpes, (rains a lot, but it's close to Grimsby). One summer, on the seafront, I saw a little boy point at the sea and ask if it was France over there. The reply, whilst pointing at the lighthouse in the estuary, "Yes son, and if you look, there's the Eiffel Tower."
I'd love to thinkhe was joking, but sadly not.
(jameslib, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:29, Reply)

and they used to chain up the cake fridge...
Used to live in york, worked in a pub on stonegate, the same street as york minster. Without fail, every saturday in the summer, I would be asked by an American tourist "Where can I find the really big church?". Often whilst looking at the building.
My revenge was to invite them into the pub, for shitty "home-cooked" food, and an atmosphere like Auschwitz gift shop. If any of you know pubs in York, I'm not talking about Ye olde star.
(jameslib, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:24, Reply)

stupid brit tourist
backpacking around North Africa when I was younger - in a dingy Egyptian hotel - when I went to use the toilet I noticed a pipe sticking up out of the pan , obviously it was loose plumbing, I thought - so I proceeded to bend it off before using it - only later in the holiday did I realise it was a combined bidet/toilet

NB. later on, had what should have been a beautiful moment to myself ruined in the top chamber of the great pyramid by the bickering * "across the atlantic" family sharing it with me

mindpiss moment of that week - being asked by the felucca driver if I had a "big banana" when there was just me and him left in his boat - a swifter exit from a boat there has never been

*Not Canada, the other place
(Pope Benedict XVI, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:19, Reply)

Blackpool - Where stupid folk come for holidays
Living in Blackpool, I think I am well placed to comment on the stupidity of tourists. Not necessarily foreign, but stupid nonetheless.
I will try and remember some more but the best one I can remember is from when I was wee.

Now being on the UK mainland, and fairly cheap and easy to get to, Blackpool has never really competed with Nice or Cannes for tourists.

So I am standing in Bank Hey Street, in the middle of town and was accosted by a family of tourists (or Grockles as we like to call them). The Head Grockle utters the immortal line, "'scuse me mate? Can you tell me where "Blackpool Tower" is?"

For those that don't know, it's the only thing over 500ft for about a 60 mile radius, made of iron and on a clear day, people from the Isle of Man can see it!!

I told them that it had been sent away for repair.

He replied, "Oh that's a shame, we really wanted to see it"

I told them to come back tomorrow and see if it was back.

I was an evil child.
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:14, Reply)

In France...
Me and my family befriended a Scottish family. The Scottish husband, hungry, proceeds to go up to a food stall, failing to notice it closing down for the day and says (while pointing at the menu) "I'll have that, that and that" to which the French woman behind the stall replies "Non, non et non." The Scottish husband, peeved off, flips her the bird and says "well, you can fuck off you fucking froggy bitch." My Grandma, shocked, proceeds to walk away and trips over a small yorkshire terrier. Quite ironic, considering the fact that she's from Yorkshire.
(The-paranoid-android, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:07, Reply)

Us being the Tourists visiting the US...
My family were all out shopping when the checkout guy asked us if we were English. I replied, "No, we're Welsh."

Imagine my horror when he said "Well that's part of England isn't it."

Apparently the lesser educated Yanks are taught England is the big island, Ireland is the little island, Scotland is nowhere geographical, and Wales is a county of England.

Oh, and Welsh language is a dialect of English.
(Rikaitch is full of crap ideas., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:06, Reply)

I will not say sorry
A while back someone was having a strop about all these digs at the Americans. Well let me tell you, last night on BBC News 24 they put on ABC News from the good ole U. S of A. In the first thirty seconds I heard the following cock ups. Don't forget they were reporting on the London bombings so they should have made sure of their facts a bit. They refered to the bombs going off in the "Capital Of London". Outside "Liverpool Station", "Russel Street" and refered to the mayor as Ken Stone. Apart from this they called the fucking Underground a subway. Still think they don't deserve a few verbal kickings?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:05, Reply)

Gettysburg
Was at the Gettysburg National Military Park. Tourist, ostensibly from Canada, came up to one of the uniformed Park Rangers and inquired as to whether the battle monuments were there at the time of the battle.

Nice.

Then, another, mere moments later, inquired of the same Park Ranger why it was that Civil War battles were fought in parks.

[the second one might have been an American, I am not sure]

Sic Semper Tyrannis!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:03, Reply)

And so inevitably
My sister is walking down a street off Princes Street in Edinburgh. A tourist whose nationality I shall refrain from mentioning* asked: "Can you tell me where Edinburgh Castle is."

For those of you unfamiliar with Edinburgh, the castle is the very large, unmissable castle-shaped structure on a large rock that LOOMS over Princes Street.

*Clue 1: they were from North America. Clue 1: They were not from Canada.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 17:03, Reply)

Lie cester Square?
Sure buddy, go down the sidewalk a couple of blocks, left at the mall and turn right you are now in London-shire.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:53, Reply)

OK I was the tourist..
Was staying in lovely rural Michigan, and decided to make the most if the dirt roads which are very pleasant to go for a run on.

Happily jogging along, and a big ole redneck guy in a big ole truck pulls up alongside me (his beard alone was astounding) and says "Are you alright miss??? Is somebody chasin ya??" naturally i laughed, but he sounded so concerned as he again asked if i was being pursued. "no..i am jogging"..he muttered something and went on his way.

next day, off i jog, and am asked by 2 very sweet mericans (or merkins, as i call them now) who stopped their car and asked if i knew where such and such a place was...in my poshest most british voice, i replied.."i'm terribly sorry, but i am not from around here"..ahhh they giggled as they drove off.
(Carmen Dyslexia, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:52, Reply)

could you tell me the way to lie-sester square
phwaaahahahahahahahahaha!!!
( JamboM, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:49, Reply)

EDIT: Mr Tea of course Brits are idiots too - but american insular pig headedness is a problem in itself with US public opinion backing up and providing impetus for their foreign policy and environmental issues - ignorance and arrogance are dangerous bedfellows
(Betty Bo Bibster, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:46, Reply)

Won Kei
I was in a restaurant in London called the Won Kei happily eating my meal when two Americans walked in. Now this restraint attempts to get you in and out as quickly as possible so as soon as the Americans sit down they are promptly given a menu. The Americans look up and down the menu and finally ask the Chinese waiter “what would you recommend?” to which the Chinese waiter promptly replies “We no recommend, you choose or you fuck off!” I nearly pissed myself!
($wift, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:40, Reply)

The Japs et al.
I really hate it when you're in a gallery admiring a work of art, and a hoard of mincing Japanese come and stand right between you and it. Then actually fail to look at it even ONCE except through the lense of a camera. They have a 2 minute explanation of the work which none of them remember and you can't understand, and then they mince off to the next painting. The trick is to always be 30 seconds behind them and follow their trail.

Second......Germans with giant backpacks who insist on getting on the train before anyone has a chance to get off; side-swiping anyone within a 5ft radius with their bags, and standing on the left hand side of the escalator when you have 2 minutes till your train departs.

Third.....any Brit who doesn't speak French going to Paris. Are you mad?!!!!
(poomypoo, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:34, Reply)

I'll get me coat.
What is big and red, full of bloody tourists, has no upstairs and goes bang?

A brothel in a bungalow. WHAT!?
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:32, Reply)

americans think americans are stupid, too
I was in Paris, in line to go up the Eiffel Tower when a man came up to me and opened the conversation with "Par-lay voos an-glays?" in his southern american accent. It was all I could do to keep from laughing
( MelbaToast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:30, Reply)

Lion Piss
I would have paid to see that!

No apollogy for shortyness
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Grockles
Not so much say as do.
My folks live in a small town on the edge of the New Forest; we shall call it Fordingbridge, for that is its name. Hundreds of tourists hit this area in the summer, many staying at the gloriously named Sandy Balls (which has been featured in a b3ta newsletter) and stroll around the New Forest. For some reason they all decide to swim in a small ford near one of my favourite watering holes. What the stupid tourists don't realise is that this ford is full of raw sewage from the sizeable population of new forest ponies that live just up river. Oh how we love to laugh at the grockles frolicking in pony piss whilst we sup our warm English ale.

First post, so no apologies for length or girth - if it's good enough for me....
(d4vestar, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:27, Reply)

americans need love too
I agree with Mr Tea, and several of my best, intelligent, funny, multi-lingual and well-travelled friends are Americans, but every single one of them will admit to the overwhelming evidence that most of their people are an insular backwater of the planet with no knowledge of the outside world.

As an brit who can understand, but not speak, dutch (long story best avoided), I for one can understand the frequent local passers by in Amsterdam muttering about bloody tourists as they pass moronic stag-weekender brits lolling out of cafe doors. So in the spirit of comradeship, we're just as bad, except our misdemeanours usually involve chips, beer and whatever drugs we can find.

so there
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Germans vs a Lion
While on holiday in Budapest with my ex we decided to go visit the zoo, much after wandering around pointing at various animals (including me getting bitten by a penguin, the bastard) we ended up at the lion enclosure.

Now the enclosure was fairly solid, mostly very thick glass (or plastic) except for at one end where there was a wire mesh fence and a small waist height hedge.

For some reason a couple of German blokes decided it would be a really good idea to stick their fingers through this fence and try to attract the lions attention, after a minute or so it worked, the lion sauntered over to investigate, sensibly they took their hands out before the lion decided to have a snack.

I guess the lion didn't really like being called over for no reason, and as it turned around and lifted its tail the Germans happily took some snaps, happiness turned to shock a second later as the lion smugly shot a load of scent marking piss straight through the fence, over both of the hapless tourists.

The missus and me spent the rest of the day happily chuckling over the looks on their faces and at how much fun they'd have had spending the rest of the day smelling like a lions piss pot.


No apologies for length.
( Equus is still lurking, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:24, Reply)

Reply and OWLS!
"A friend of mine lived in Warwick and eventually got sick of American tourists asking him where the University was."

Who's more stupid? The Americans asking where the university is or the fucking university for building itself in a different chuffing town to the one its named after?

I was at an owl sanctuary in Devon and there was a Geordie family going round

Child: What kind of oool is that mummy?
Mum: It's a tawny oool
Child: I've got a friend called Tony
(Normski, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 16:23, Reply)