Another case of me being tactless to my younger sister...
... the same one as in previous story.

I was still living at home and arrived home from work to find my sister, then aged 18 or so, in floods of tears, absolutely besides hersefl. It turned out she'd just learnt that our Mum and Dad, shock horror, hadn't been married when our older sister was born, shattering her image of a happy little family. So I did the big brotherly thing and sought to console her.

"Look," I said. "It's not that bad. At least they were married by the time you came along."

She stopped sobbing for a moment, looked at me, and said, "What do you mean, when I came along? They were married when you were born, weren't they?"

"Well yeah," I said truthfully. "For at least two, maybe three... months."

That certainly broke the silence. I thought she was gone to scream the house down. Turns out Mum had been deliberately vague and given her the impression they'd got married not long after my older sister arrived and well before I was on the way... Whoops...
(Capo, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 21:10, 6 replies)

We'll take more care of you alright
Back in 2004, the wife and I went to a preview screening of the Denzel Washington movie, Man On Fire - set in Mexico City, he plays a bodyguard and the story ties in with the spate of kidnappings taking place there at the time. I remembered that my sister had been there for work a few months before and sent her a jokey email (with my brother copied in) saying that I'd seen the movie and no wonder they chauffeured her around everywhere, haha, etc.

A short while afterwards, I got an email from my brother to say our sister had actually flown out to Mexico City that morning for work again. Whoops. Well, I have a habit of putting my foot in it, so that was true to form.

But as it turned out, my email wasn't the the most tactless part of the story. Oh no. Not by a long way.

That honour went to British Airways, who, as my sister told me when she replied to my mail after landing, had decided to show Man On Fire, a graphically violent movie about kidnappings in Mexico City, on a London to, er, Mexico City flight...
(Capo, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 20:46, 1 reply)

i was eating a holiday meal with my extended family, and my cousin told me i had some pudding on my chin. i wiped under my lips, and she said, "no, your other chin".
(paloozagirl, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 20:42, Reply)

Not me, but..
A bloke at my workplace (call him Johnny) was recently fired on account of being crap at his job. He meant well but was generally pretty incompetent. My recommendation for his forced leave sealed the deal, and we agreed to get back a girl who worked with us a few months prior to all this. On the day that he had been told the bad news she bursts into work and shouts "Johnny! I'll be working with you next week!" to which he replies "you just stole my job, dick" and storms out. The beauty of the situation made only more beautiful by his tut and finger click on the way. We now call her replacement girl, just so we can see her innocent twinge of guilt on a daily basis.
(MunchMyBalloons, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 19:36, Reply)

Stutter
The new lad at work told us on his first day, that he had a stammer which he usually controlled, but sometimes came out when he was nervous. He asked us just to be patient if he did, which of course we all agreed. It happened a couple of times, and everyone just politely waited for him to get the next word out.

And then in walks Geoff. An older chap. Yorkshireman. A bit (as is their wont) forthright in manner.

"Awright lad, how're you finding it with these twats?"
"Umm... D-...D-..D-...."
"Come on, spit it out!!"

Cue round of tactical coughing, throat clearing and "Geoff, c'mere mate..."
(North Utsira South Utsira, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 19:18, 2 replies)

a couple of days after i moved jobs, my mother died. she was v young and it was v unexpected.
everyone at my new firm was amazing, so kind and supportive. after a few months, things had settled back down at home, and i was spending weekends back in london. i got on particularly well with one of my new colleagues, caroline. now she was (and is!) a really lovely girl, but like most people who have not been through anything of the sort, she firmly believes that you should "talk about it" and "try to deal with it" - best of intentions, but utter failure to realise that both these things are the last things you want to do.

so one very drunken evening, we've fallen out of the taxi and made it up to the sofa. we are stuffing pizzas down our throats and she is trying to get me to talk about it. eventually she put her hand on my knee, her eyes shimmering with sympathetic drunken tears, and said:

"you can tell me all about it. i do know how you feel, you know. i mean, i was absolutely devastated when i lost my cat."

for a moment i was too stunned to say anything. then i fell off the sofa laughing. the thought was so genuine, but the execution so bloody crass. she was mortified when i reminded her the next day. she hates it when i tell that story, and now i've just told you lot. ah well.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 18:02, 1 reply)

Another one!
It was about two to three years ago and Liverpool had just lost a game that we really shouldn't have lost. Later that evening I was explaining to a friend how gutted I was feeling and described it to being like having a distant relative - like an uncle you used to love as a kid but lost touch with - pass away. 'Yeah, my uncle passed away yesterday. I'm not sure how to feel about it because I remember a lot of the good times we had when I was younger then he and my dad had a fight.' 'What? Are you serious? You're just shitting me right?' 'No, he really did pass away.'

So my first bit of super twattish behaviour was describing losing a football match to losing a relative. How shite is that? Then the second bit was when I questioned his sincerity. ¬_¬
(Smysha Tra la la!, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 17:57, 3 replies)

Whilst talking about how badly I coped with the idea of being a father....
....with my friend Kay, I came out with the line of "Well what was I going to do, kill someone because I thought I wasn't ready to become a dad?", totally forgetting I'd driven her to the clinic 5 years ago to have an abortion. Not the best moment.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 17:44, 2 replies)

Taking out the rubbish in my sister's house.
There were a LOT of bin bags because there were tonnes of people who had stayed over for the past two evenings. My sister's next door neighbour jokes, 'Wow, what have you got in there? A dead body?' 'No, there is a lot of family over as my son passed away a couple of days ago. I've been wondering how to tell you lot actually.' The guy just fled muttering apologies and didn't see my sister smile at his embarrassment.
(Smysha Tra la la!, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 17:43, Reply)

Movember
A couple of years ago, I took part in Movember (where you grow a 'tache throughout november to raise money for charidee). A couple of weeks in and the sex offender tache was coming along nicely.

Whilst waiting at the bus stop one night after work, I saw a young chap with an equally shocking 'tache as mine. We looked at each other, gave each other an awkward nod in recognition of how stupid we both looked, which prompted me to say

"Movember mate?"
"Ey?" says this lad.
"Your 'tache mate, you growing it for charity?"
"no.."
I think I'll walk home.
(Singo69, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 17:39, 16 replies)

diffusing the situation
before i stopped being such a fat heifer, i was often the target of jibes from the local children. it never really bothered me and some of the remarks were quite funny.
one day, a young mother was walking down the road toward me with her son, who looked to have been no older than 3 or 4. looking at me, the boy cried "you've got big knickers!"
his poor mother looked positively mortified! smiling at the little fellow, i calmly replied "of course i've got big knickers, have you seen how big my bum is?"
his mother may have been shocked into silence, but the boy laughed his head off!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 15:30, 11 replies)

hold the celebrations
as i've mentioned before, my best friends used to be "adult entertainers" for parties. i would often go to work with them, if we were going out for a drink afterwards.
one evening, we'd been driving all over liverpool, getting jobs done. the last gig of the night was a 90th birthday party and we were running late.
pulling up outside the venue, my mate leaped out of the car, dressed as a fireman. a rather sombre gentleman was there to greet us.
"sorry we're a bit late," my mate says, "it's been a busy night and we're all practically dead on our feet!"
"well, there's no need to worry," the sombre man replies, "i've only come to tell you the party has been cancelled. grandma(who was meant to be the recipient) died this morning."

cue profuse apologies and a quick shuffle back to the car.
as we were pulling away, the driver, unaware that the window was open, said "well, she was 90. she's stiffer now than you would have managed to get!"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Walking through town one day, unusually smartly-dressed, I was accosted by a saleswoman.
She said, 'Cheer up, dearie! You look like you've just been to a funeral!'

'Actually, I HAVE just come from a funeral,' I replied, 'my baby nephew's. He only lived for one day.'

She cringed and I walked away. It was true about the funeral. Bet she didn't try that line again for a while.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 13:22, 1 reply)

Diana's death
late 90's I was working on Foulness Island, so would stop in great Wakering - a little village with a lot of posh residents - to get a newspaper.
it must have been about 4 days after the death, and as I took my paper to the counter I said to the shopkeep "Bloody Diana on the front page again! when are they going to get over that old tart's death"

shopkeeper look aghast and the other early morning shoppers just stopped what they were doing and looked daggers at me.

Unfortunately she was destined to remain on the front page for weeks afterwards. Even bloody supermarkets had books of condolence!
I never, NEVER, understood the emotion that people invested in that old tart
(essexfriend, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 12:16, 4 replies)

Recently,
My grandma, a Mormon, had her leg amputated above the knee. My dad said it's the first time he's seen her legless.

Top bloke.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 5 Nov 2011, 10:19, 18 replies)

Teling the sad story of Victoria Mary Clarke,
fiancee of the alcoholic Pogues singer Shane MacGowan, to a woman whose first husband had died of alcoholism.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 9:37, 1 reply)

I am as tactful as an autistic brick.
There are so many to choose from but one that sticks in my mind is from very nearly 20 years ago. My mate Scott's girlfriend had a horse. I quite like horses (no, there's not going to be any tempting disguised link), and at the time I was doing a bit of part time work at a trekking centre, so we got talking about horses quite a bit.

One day I asked Scott how she was doing. "Oh not so good, her horse got colic and died."

"Aw bugger, I bet she was gutted about that..."
(gordonjcp, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 8:55, 7 replies)

2 days ago in work
some girl struggling to fix a customer internet connection phones me up asking for help. As I'm loading the customer's details up I notice she's not sounding her normal perky self and ask if everything's ok.
"I've been in the vets all morning. Just found out my one year old dog has epilepsy."
Before I could stop myself "What's his name, Flash?"
Did not go down too well that.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 8:06, 2 replies)

I saw a gay guy I knew with a cat
and remarked "I didn't think you were into pussy."

Luckily he laughed.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 7:39, Reply)

only everything I ever say.

(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Sat 5 Nov 2011, 3:20, 4 replies)

Friends of mine have an alpaca farm.
Bob and Donna have been raising alpacas for a few years now, and have gotten good at shearing them to sell the wool. Twice a year they get friends together to help, along with their sons Rob and Jerome.

I had the job of holding the ropes that held the back feet of the animal, Rob had the front feet, Jerm and Bob were clipping and Donna was sorting the wool into bags. Two other friends were herding the animals in and out.

We were down to the last one, and were all getting tired. I had the ropes cinched and was holding them as Jerm started clipping, but apparently not tightly enough. The alpaca wrenched her feet out of my grasp and kicked Jerm in the belly. I caught the feet again and restrained them while Bob took over the clippers and Jerm lay on the ground gasping.

We finished with the alpaca and let it loose, and Jerm stood. "Dammit! You're supposed to hold the feet!"

"Sorry. It won't happen again." I paused. "Especially since that was the last one."

I watched as Jerm debated about breaking my jaw, then burst out laughing instead.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 5 Nov 2011, 2:15, Reply)

"I just hate spending this much money on a wedding. If I'm spending that much I want it to be on something that lasts."
I should have listened to myself back in '85.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 5 Nov 2011, 1:46, Reply)

I few of the girls at work organised a night out at the casino
they had been planning it for a while, talk of getting dressed up went on for an inordinately long time prior to the actual night out. They were all going out straight from work to get the maximum amount of gambling time in

When the day finally came around I said to one of the girls

"I thought you were getting dressed up"

This turned out to be a massively tactless thing to say
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 0:46, Reply)

You have to feel sorry for her......erm no y'don't.
I'm starting to think I may suffer from what can only be described as 'idiot tourettes' as I can't help but blurt out the first thing that comes into my head as my line regarding my french date (told here tinyurl.com/6fn5h9k ) shows.

Last year I went to see Canadian band Metric at the Empire in Shepherds Bush and as none of my friends liked them I ended up up going on my own which I wasn't particularly happy with but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be as I got talking to a group of people and they kindly invited me to join them.
As the conversation moved on the subject of that rather mad woman with the batshit dress sense, no not the icelandic one, Lady Gaga.
The obvious jokes about how she's really a bloke came in to play until it was noticed that one of the girls of the group looked visibly hurt.
When asked what was wrong it turned out she was a big fan and berated us for being so mean about someone who's clearly suffered throughout her life for developing an illness that made her pass out at any given moment.
It was at this moment that my idiot tourettes kicked in and made me spout the line that still haunts me to this day....
"Well I'd pass out to if I had my bollocks cut off!"
The look I recieved from her said to me that I may get the chance to find out.
(Official Sarc, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 0:14, Reply)

"You paid to have them do that to your hair?"

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 5 Nov 2011, 0:07, Reply)

"Smells like somebody died in here"

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 23:39, 4 replies)

Showing up the parents
But for one generation I could have entered this in last weeks QOTW...
So my parents were in the forces and living in Germany at the time. I was getting piano lessons from a lovely woman who's husband was a Major in the army when we were facing being posted back to the UK (I think I was about 7 at this point in time). The options we were faced with were 1) London and 2) Benbecula in the Outer Hebrides - two places further removed in the UK you couldn't imagine (maybe).

This caused much consternation, my parents were concerned with possibly having to move to London and see their child grow-up int the big, bad city where, in the schools, my father casually assured me I'd be playing 'spot the whitey' (he was a lance-corporal at this point in time for reference).

Cut to my last ever lesson where, it had been decided, we were going to move to the arse-end of nowhere - much to my childish dismay. My mum came to pick me up and as we stood there saying our goodbyes my lovely teacher wished us the best of luck in Scotland's Western Isles. Being only an innocent child I piped-up at this point to say 'Yeah, if we'd went to London my dad says I'd have been playing spot the whitey!'.

All conversation grinds to a halt and my piano teacher, and Major's wife, and my mother slowly become silent and inanimate. Gradually I see my mother turn to look at the picture on the wall of a well decorated Major and husband of aforementioned teacher on the wall. Who happens to be black. My mum later said she wished the ground would've swallowed her up but she could have avoided it by not condoning casual racism in the first place so ner!
(rubberducky, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 22:47, Reply)

In the lobby of the Hilton on the Isle of Man
"Hey, look at that shitty MG ZS over there. It's just a chavved-up Rover 400, isn't it?"

Middle-aged bloke who'd been reading the paper next to us snorts, gets up, goes out, gets into said car and drives off.

I like to think he sold it the same day.
(rogerzilla, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 21:56, 3 replies)

"What's the matter with you? You look like your grandmas just died!"
Ronseal.
( rjmrjm, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 21:54, 1 reply)