since i have outed a couple of friends
for their cooking mistakes i guess i should confess my own

im a pretty good cook if i do say so myself mainly because i dont try and mix things that dont belong together although i dont really cook properly (mostly stuff that goes on a baking tray in the oven or gets heated in a pan for a while before consumption), i only do a proper meal when i ahve someone to cook for and its been a while since that has been the case :(

but i have had a couple of bad meals

if anyone has ever bought a campbells condensed soups you will know there is a recipe idea on the back, the mushroom soup has a great one called crispy topped cod, its very nice

crispy topped plaice however is foul (tesco was out of cod so its their fault really)

also the other week i was curious as to what clam chowder was, i am no longer curious

i once got confused over what egg fu young was and ended up with "egg fu pete" a casserole dish filled with noodles, onion, peppers, chicken and egg baked in the oven it tasted pretty bland and after filling myself up on it the next i ended up taking one of those dumps when you dont need to wipe (you all know what i mean they are the best kind and you dont forget them quickly) only it was a real ring breaker rather painful trust me (too much egg i cooked it for my house mates and they cooked egg fried rice to go with it)

in my defence i have come up with a couple of good ideas like

the curry pizza (one night i couldnt decide between curry or pizza for dinner so i had both while thinking thet a fusion of the two foods would be awesome) a pizza base or naan bread covered in chicken curry (i find that Lloyd Grossman Madras works the best) topped with cheese and placed in the oven for a bit (the ass loves it scroll down if you dont know who im talking about)

the chip pie (although an earlier post leads me to believe that i have been beaten to it by a pie shop in Wigan) every time i have pie and chips (quite often) i take the top off the pie, dip chips in it until there is no filling left then fill the pie with chips put the lid back on and consume

apologies for not having a fun self poisoning story (and also the size of my... well you know the rest)
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:51, Reply)

Oh the horror
Being more than a bit interested in food I've eaten some "interesting" things. Tripe is just vile. Lutefisk (that Humpty dumpty talked about)is equally horrible. Us Norwegian fellows also enjoy a good sheep's head from time to time. But the worst food ever? Oh, that's Italian:

Imagine being treated to a lovely dinner at some Roman friends' house - salume, pasta, roast fish and seasonal vegs. Loads of wine. "All good, yes? You like food? You taste special food!"

So they bring me a small plate of something vaguely vegetable-like, white and (I stupidly think) firm. Olive oil and capers on top. I'm thinking "ooh they've saved a special treat for me, how nice". Did I see the insane glint in the eye of the Evil Cook? No.

I take the whole thing (size of a big walnut) and stuff it in my mouth, just to be attacked by nasty, horrible, evil fecking meaty jelly-like snot! It made me dizzy and sick, and all color drained from my face (I'm told). I just barely managed to swallow it like an oyster (another silly eat), before smiling gently and draining a cup of wine.

"What was that?" says I. "Is nerve from cow brain! Top of spinal cord! Very good for man to make love!" says the Italian bastard host.

So I've eaten nerve. I would have preferred Viagra.

And did I kick the cook in the face? No, I invited him to a traditional Norwegian meal. Oh yes, there will be sow's head, lye fish, sour cream porridge and all our other small specialties. He WILL eat the eye of a sheep.
(sb1, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:47, Reply)

Chilli?
I remember at the tender age of 10 or so trying to make a dish for the family that called for some (several tablespoons as I seem to recall) curry powder.

We didn't have any so I used chili powder instead, same stuff right?

I live on takeaways now, much safer all round.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:41, Reply)

ex girlfriend
i had this unfortunate experience while dating a german girl for a little over two years. nice girl, curvy where it counted, but she could not cook to save her life.

she loved to try to bake cookies. big huge batches of the worst cookies you could ever imagine. she would follow the recipe to a fault, but would always manage to mix up at least 2 ingredients. my favorite two mistakes (which i suggested she fed to her friends as i was not hungry) are as follows...

batch of 100+ chocolate chip cookies, only she ran out of flour, so decided to use baking soda instead, because as a white powder, she figured it would work the same as flour...

another batch of 30 some odd similar cookies. as you know, most chocolate chip cookie recipies call for a small bit of baking SODA... unfortunately she didnt know the difference between baking SODA and baking POWDER... it was truely aweful.

luckily i got out of this relationship with my intestines intact.
(khoethmora Curiouser and curiouser..., Fri 18 May 2007, 22:31, Reply)

The ultimate in bad taste
Occasionally I have been known to swallow.

I am wondering if this has any connection to my nightmares where my mouth fills up with sticky, salty chewing gum that clings to my teeth and I can't get it out. I am now phobic about chewing gum too. Excuse me, I need to boke.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:29, Reply)

Hospital
Used to have this guy, from Hong Kong, been in the UK for about 20 years, most of these in Mental Health places. He could barely make himself understood and ignored us staff most of the time. His diet consisted of such delights as:
Lamb Grill Steaks chucked into boiling water for 2 minutes, then eaten.
Sausages fried for 2 minutes and eaten
rice boiled for 2 minutes and eaten
...
You get the idea ? And he was never (physically) sick - amazing.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:28, Reply)

I take it you're Scots then?
I've eaten a deep fried doner kebab. Put in the pitta with garlic & chilli sauce & salad, then batter and fry. Wouldn't like to guess how many calories are in it, enough to feed a family of 5 for a couple of weeks I reckon. That was in Scotland (as if I need to say)

Doesn't belong in this thread though cos it was lovely (subsequent cardiac problems notwithstanding)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:24, Reply)

All the stories are true
Deep fried Pizza does exist, and it tastes lush.
Deep fried Haggis is also tasty.

Have also had the misfortune to be in range of a spontaneously exploding carton of rotten milk - it looked like high-speed cottage cheese.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:22, Reply)

Kitescreech
Reminds me of my nan (god rest her soul etc)

It used to be fairly standard advice NEVER to accept a cup of tea off me nan, even if you were gagging for one after the long journey.

She used to use the kettle to boil her eggs in every morning - she didn't mind the scummy bits of egg scum in her tea, but everyone else sure as hell did!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:11, Reply)

The hottest chilli ever
The weird bloke I used to share a flat with finally moved out and got his own place. Now, I'd been boring him about how I liked hot food for the previous year, so he invites me round for dinner and serves chilli.

Except this isn't chilli; it's broken glass and napalm. I got through all the beer in the house (not much) and about a bathful of water (less effective than beer) in eating the bloody thing. It took over an hour to finish, and of course it was a bastard of a ring stinger the next morning.

From the smirk on his face throughout, I reckon he made two separate recipes and he was eating the normal one. Git.
(rogerzilla, Fri 18 May 2007, 22:06, Reply)

Boiled Milk
Got into work one day "WTF is that God awful smell ?" Turns out one of our patients had decided to make a milky drink by putting 2 pints in the kettle and boiling it - the element was caked in a thick, gungey, slimey black mess.
And being the NHS we had to save money, so muggins here had to scrape it clean to re-use it.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 18 May 2007, 21:57, Reply)

It made me boke
A colleague kindly got me lunch one day at work, returns with a tasty sarnie and some juice.

"This is the life" thinks I, "great outdoors, some scran and some nice cold juice. Top notch."

I open the juice, take a big mouthful (hot and thirsty I was) then spew my ringer on the grass.

The juice he got was called Ayran, and apparently in Turkey it's drunk by the gallon; It's fucking rotten, I mean who in their right mind puts _salt_ in a "refreshing drink"?

Ugh
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 18 May 2007, 21:54, Reply)

No way
OMFG, Syvial Stingray...My cousin totally eats that weird Curry Koka noodle pilchard and tomato onion,etc. thing - but he puts parmesan shavings on it.
Also, onion and tomato puree sandwhiches he truly adores...in fact tomato puree in or on anything. And onions. He always smells a bit strong,no matter how much he showers...
(crapmonkey, Fri 18 May 2007, 21:30, Reply)

not me, a friend
a year or so ago, on new years eve one of my house mates discovered something called Budweiser E (the other wise foul and pissy taste of Budweiser enhanced with caffeine) after a night of drinking this he said it was like being drunk but having the energy to do all those fun things that you think up while drunk but can never be bothered to do

one of those things was make "beer cake" the idea of a cake that is beer flavoured appeals to me but what my house mate did was pour beer into a baking tray and heat it in the oven

and then drink it

he also once made beer omelette by mixing beer and eggs and frying it, apparently it wasnt that bad

unfortunately it seems Budweiser E is not longer available (that or nobody bought it so bars round here stopped selling it)
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 18 May 2007, 21:28, Reply)

Aberystwyth cocktail party
Take 1 plastic bucket.

All the guests bring a bottle. Wine, beer, whisky, gin, vodka, cider, pernod. Yes, it even included Pernod.

Pour the contents of all the bottles into the bucket. For some reason the mixture turns brown and looks like vomit. Actually, I suspect that vomit looks like a congealed mixture of various types of congealed alcohol.

Pour the cocktail into glasses. Drink heartily.

Ah, the benefits of a university education.*


*Thanks to Mr Blackadder.
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Fri 18 May 2007, 21:21, Reply)

Scandinavians must have deformed taste buds or something. I know a lot of Norwegians, they eat some truly foul stuff.

It was Norway Day yesterday (or possibly the day before? Not too sure on days at the moment). I tried some cheese, can't recall the name. It was FOUL, a sort of blend of half rancid cheese, half mouldy toffee of a very dubious consistency. And I'm speaking as someone who likes every variety of cheese he's hitherto encountered.

I've also ran into the licorice & salt combo as mentioned previously. Nice. Or not.

Can't understand the people complaining about garlic though - it's the food of gods. Correct ratio = at least 3 cloves to every onion you use. In fact I'm eating pickled garlic now...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 18 May 2007, 20:50, Reply)

Recipe for Mr. Stingray's current favourite meal:
1 can of pilchards in tomato sauce.
1 packet of curry flavoured instant noodles.
1 ton of frozen peppers.
1 ton of frozen chopped onion.
About a quarter of one of those little jars of garlic powder.
And what must surely be at least 50 grams of chilli powder.

All of the above must be of the Tesco Value variety.

Possibly the only meal that smells better on the way out then in...
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Fri 18 May 2007, 20:41, Reply)

And it stank the house out too
German exchange. Crazy Germans. Gherkin soup.

To this day I can't bear to be near a gherkin. Christ it was foul.
(MyNameIsClare, Fri 18 May 2007, 20:16, Reply)

It affected me for life...
Once my mother made me eat beef Faggots, I was 5, I am now a homosexual. Thanks Mum!
(lynney666, Fri 18 May 2007, 19:51, Reply)

I've actually had this.
Bear in mind that I was born in the 60s, when something like this was current:



We'll let James Lileks give the commentary:

"Imagine you're hungover. Deeply hungover. Someone presents you with this - and shakes the plate so it wiggles. Frankly, it already looks like someone heaved into a mold and stuck the result in the fridge. But that's Gel-Cookery!"

Believe me, friends, he drastically understates the horror of what women did with gelatin back then.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 18 May 2007, 19:01, Reply)

Bacon fried bread double decker sandwich
Oooooh yes. Or as I like to call it, "the heart attack special".
The recipe for this little beauty came from a taxi driver friend of my dad's.
The guy's just shy of 30 stone, and looks like he could detach his lower jaw
and swallow you whole.

The recipe for this entails:

2 slices of buttered bread
2 slices of fried bread
8 rashers of bacon
2 fried eggs
Your own sauces of choice

Basically, I came in pissed as a fart one night and thought, "I'll 'ave some of that!"
The bacon goes between the fried bread with brown sauce, then add an egg
and a slice of bread with ketchup and hotdog mustard to bottom and top and.....
I just felt wrong for a few days after. Never eaten it since. The guy I mentioned?

He can eat two in one sitting, and does so on a regular basis.
(Mister-Chris, Fri 18 May 2007, 18:40, Reply)

Liver...
...I always fucking hated liver. Even more so once I knew a little biology and found out what a liver was for.

Ugh.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 18 May 2007, 18:15, Reply)

Grey College Plague
www.dur.ac.uk/grey.jcr/discuss/viewtopic.php?t=2994 (The first post in particular.)

'Airborne virus' my arse. Before I was there, fortunately.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 18 May 2007, 18:04, Reply)

OK, so really you're talking about food you actually like....
So; 1)Satay Baked Beans. Student staple food; 1 tin beans as assumed, spoonfuls peanut butter, add chilli. Perhaps basil for a more Thai effect. Need more protein? add cheese, or...
2) Witchetty grubs (wood-eating larvae of various Australian moth species) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witchetty_grub
are bestest raw, before they have time to get you thinking. Only the very end bit (the head) is crunchy, the rest gently explodes, warmly, in an alive, seeping sort of way. Tastes a bit like cheese and honey, but with an attractive oaky finish. You could get witchetty grub soup in tins a while back; it was, however, crap.
3) A legendary Stockman's Pie. Contains approximately equal parts kangaroo, emu, crocodile, camel and buffalo. I am not in the least jingoistic, but am creepily proud that we are the only nation that eats our coat of arms.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Fri 18 May 2007, 18:03, Reply)

Bear on toast. Not as good as donkey. Not as bad as camel.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 18 May 2007, 18:03, Reply)

The Ass
that is what i call him everyone else just calls him Ass (its short for Assad and he prefers to be called Ass)

he is not known for being able to cook at all, such delights have included but are not limited to:

yesterdays stale pizza fried in baked beans

a creation we called the irish abortion, he grated up 2 raw potatoes without peeling them, mushed it all together in a bowl with some flour and fried it until black on both sides

his diet mostly consists of eggs and noodles and for a while he would put a bundle of paprika in everything, i once walked into the kitchen and he was mixing some eggs and roughly half a packet of paprika with a hand blender!it was all thick and a shade of brown only reserved for the most foul of excrement it makes my stomache churn just thinking about it

after buying a few cans of tesco value meatballs and discovering they taste like shite he began grinding them up and turning them into burgers (once again adding flour) and mixing in copious amounts of chilli sauce and Tabasco (including me adding more while he wasnt looking for good measure) before frying them til blackened sadly the flour killed the flavour so he wasnt running for the sink in horror at his over spiced meal

in fact most of last year he had an obsession with burnt food producing such delights as the burnt bread omelette and cooking stuff for at least 10-15 minutes more than needed

this year he has taken to throwing lots of random spices into everything, which isnt too bad but he fries all his food on high heat and spices are supposed to be cooked gently to unleash the flavour instead of turning the kitchen into a gas chamber where breathing is all but impossible

not to mention his mixing food that dont belong together in one pot such as pasta and sauce and smash

anyway to wrap up, here is a picture of aforementioned culinary disaster zone (that i have the joy of living with for 2 years)



Edit: while none of those creations made him ill enough to go out and buy a cook book he managed to poison himself once a couple of years ago with a tuna salad, i told him that the tuna was off (it stank of piss) but he assured me that it was fine as it was john west tuna and only just out of date

cut to the next day when he is too sick to get out of bed

apologies for the size (of his big mad face staring at you) and nothing else bitches, he never apologised for stinking out the entire house by blackening some smoked kippers in a frying pan one fateful evening
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 18 May 2007, 18:01, Reply)

every friday
after we leave the local club my mate heads straight to the pizza shop and gets cheese and tomato with white cabbage mint and mayo on top.
looks like vomit
but suprisingly tastes really good
(kellogg going slowly insane, Fri 18 May 2007, 17:42, Reply)

Piiiiiiie!
My mum is an amazing cook, but is prone to experimenting with things no one should experiment with. She once made onion pie, a money-saving measure. I like onions, I like pie, this should have been great. But no. I don't know what she did with it but it should never have happened.

As it turned out, she could have saved even more money by not making anything at all - when we cut it open the limp onion slithered out and it looked like curls of dead white worms. It looked like it was all a slithering mass of maggots. My dad later likened it to when you cut open a cow (lived in the countryside, we did) and the intestines spill out. We all - even my mum - sat staring at it for a few moments, and then quietly retreated from the kitchen.

Hungry? Not nearly enough.

Although the worst cook would be my sister - love her dearly, but my fondness for her was severely tested when aged 7 she handed me a mug of her latest invention that she thought would be awesome. It was the closest I've come to death so far - hot chocolate and ketchup. Was so sick I missed a day of school - of all the days to miss, the last day of the year!

Woo, first post, bit crap.
(Ladybird wants an alpaca., Fri 18 May 2007, 17:42, Reply)

Mushy Pea Toasties
Have been very impressed with some of the student stories of thrifty eatin', so here's mine: mushy pea toasties.

Take one tin of supermarkets own brand mushy peas, add small quantities of pepper and curry powder, slap between 2 slices of bread, stick in sandwich toaster for sufficient time.

LET IT COOL FOR AT LEAST 5 MINUTES! I have lost the lining of my cheeks/ roof of my mouth enough times to these superheated motherlovers.

It's actually not bad and tastes nothing like you would expect, though most people recoil in horror at the idea.

One time before I had a sandwich toaster I was reduced to subsisting on boiled cabbage and marmalade on crackers (no marg). Mmmm.

But easily worse than either of the above diets is polenta. Boiled. Tastes like horses shite (I imagine), only blander.
(keeferreefer, Fri 18 May 2007, 17:30, Reply)

one time in the army...
I put motor oil on a charcoal hibachi and a touch of gas to get it going. After cooking some chicken smoked in motor oil.. I was stopped before eating most of it.
(armednuclearterrorist, Fri 18 May 2007, 17:28, Reply)